All comics by niteowl

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by niteowl
1-09-04
Hey... the tests are all done, everything's completed, now we can get the hell outta here before I get molested again.
Molested? Huh?
Yeah, that fucking donkey out there wanted to turn me into his sex slave, I think.
You? A sex slave? That's unlikely.
Kiss my ass. Just remember who has the biggest banana here.
There you go with the phallic symbols again.

 

by niteowl
1-09-04
Cindy is coming with us back home, by the way.
Well well, look at Mr. Stud Muffin over here. It's about time you scored.
Yeah, I didn't have to pay her off or anything! She loves me for who I am.
Ask her if she has a friend out there who will come with us. It's gonna be a long ride home, and I need some action.
Dude, you would've had a couple of companions for the ride back if you hadn't killed the asian girls after the experiments.
Hey, I didn't mean to do it! The knife slipped 3 or 4 times when I was cutting their clothes off.

 

by niteowl
1-09-04
Alright, are we ready for takeoff?
Yep. Hit it.
We're outta here?
Yes, dear. Hang on, here we go.
*BLAST OFF*
Bye, my monkey lovah. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

 

by niteowl
1-09-04
Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.
Yes it is dear.
I can't wait til we get back to Earth, darling.
Me too. To start our new lives. Together.
The End!
Please tell me the monkey isn't included in this "new life together" thing.
I'm kicking him out when we get back. It's just you and me now, baby.

 

by niteowl
1-09-04
Cindy and Keith lived happily ever after. They have 2 kids, house with a white picket fence, it's basically the sappy ending everyone loves.
I love you more.
No, I love YOU more!
Chuck quit NASA and formed a rock band, named "Chuck and teh Suck". They have the #1 album in the world right now. In concert they throw bananas to the audience members.
OH YEAH OH YEAH!!!! ROCK ROCK RIZZOCK! YOU WANT THIS BANANA? HUH? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Jimmy Hoffa and the Donkey also lived happily ever after on Mars, doing things that we can't mention here.
Say, where did that lead pipe go?
You know where you put it last night, stud.

 

by niteowl
1-10-04
Excuse me Mr. Soldier...when are you Americans going to get cable over here?
Cable? Dude, screw cable. It's way too expensive and you get a lot less channels. Satellite is the way to go.
Ok, then when are we going to get satellite? We really want to see those great American TV shows.
Which shows do ya'll want to see?
NASCAR, football, and that Playboy show. Woo woo! Hot American girls!
You know what, I don't care what anybody says...you towelheads are pretty darn cool.

 

by niteowl
1-10-04
Can I help you?
Yes, I'd like you to have this flower from the Church of Stripcreator Consciousness. Would you care to make a donation?
I donated last week Brad, remember?
I'm not Brad...
AHA! It is me, Jesus!

 

by niteowl
1-11-04
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
AHA! It is me, Jesus!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by niteowl
1-12-04
I'm sorry hippie, but I'm taking you downtown.
Jeez man, all I did was smoke some grass.
That's not all you did...
Listen man, I'm sorry I bought all the donuts at Krispy Kreme, ok?

 

by niteowl
1-12-04
Steven, what did I tell you...
But...
No! I don't want to hear it!
When I say no weed, I mean...NO WEED!
Goddamn, Mom! How many times do I have to apologize for not sharing?

 

by niteowl
1-13-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
The amish guy out there wants the Kate Moss special...
Alrighty...One empty plate, coming up!

 

by niteowl
1-14-04
While watching "The Real World"
"I can't believe you hurt me like that! Do you realize how depressed I am because of you?"
*sniffle*
*KNOCK KNOCK*
" I HATE YOU! Yet I love you! BUT I STILL HATE YOU!"
*sniffle* Oh my God, this is so dramatic! Honey, can you get the door please?
2 minutes later, during a commercial break.
Who was at the door?
A crocodile. He said you stole his tears and he wants 'em back.

 

by niteowl
1-15-04
I was thinking earlier today about "Shakes The Clown"...
You sick bastard. If you shake your clown more than 3 times, you're having too much fun.

 

by niteowl
1-15-04
Hey Frosty.
Hi Rudolph.
Will you be my valentine?
Sure. Will you remember me when on Memorial Day when I've melted away?
AHA! It is I, Jesus! I knew you'd fucking forget about Easter!
Of course, like I'm going to celebrate that pagan holiday.

 

by niteowl
1-15-04
The part of Ann Coulter will be played by the Cowboy.
I'm starting a petition to have the Statue of Liberty destroyed.
YOU COMMIE PRICK! WHY?
Do you know who donated it to us?
NO, I DON'T...YOU WORTHLESS, UNPATRIOTIC WASTE OF SKIN! ONLY A BLEEDING HEART PINKO SCUMBAG WOULD START A...
France did.
...PETITION LIKE...uh, shit.

 

by niteowl
1-17-04
Hello there. We have a problem on the roads of America today. It has been said that there are invisible cars all over the roads of America. This is simply not true.
That line of cars behind you when you're stopped in the middle of the fast line while you're trying to move into the next lane over? Those cars behind you are real, not imagined.
I also cannot read your mind. When you cut me off by deciding to switch lanes without signaling, and I honk my horn at you, I'm not saying hello. You don't have to wave at me.
Contrary to popular belief, when I drive past you shaking my head, I'm not thinking to myself, "Man, I wish I had that Lexus". I'm thinking, "Who the fuck did you blow to get your license?".
Also...put down the cell phone already and concentrate on the road. Watching you swerve all over your lane because you can't drive one handed doesn't instill a sense of calm in me when I'm behind you.
So please, if you have half a brain, bring it with you when you wander into rush hour traffic. Not that I'll be holding my breath or anything, because I'm not ready to commit suicide. YET. Thank you!

 

by niteowl
1-17-04
Bill Gates kidnaps the Linux penguin and brings him to Microsoft headquarters.
Well penguin, since you refuse to give up your fight for a piece of the OS pie, we'll just have to kill you. Bruce...can you come here, please?
But Mr. Gates...I'm not the Linux spokespenguin, I'm a-
Bill, do you realize that was the Pittsburgh Penguins' mascot you just had killed off?
Oh well. I don't like that Mario Lemieux guy anyways.

 

by niteowl
1-17-04
I'm so glad we waited until tonight, our wedding night, to have sex.
Yes, it'll make it a very special night indeed. We'll do it for the first time as Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
Later...
ugh...umph...hey honey, I'm having a hard time finding the hole...HEY! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS DOWN THERE? OH MY GOD, YOU'RE A MAN!
Yes dear, I am. I thought you knew.
NO I DIDN'T, SINCE YOU NEVER LET ME GET PAST FIRST BASE! NOT A BOOB GRAB, NO FINGERS, NOTHING! YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS MARRIAGE IS NULL AND VOID SINCE YOU'RE A MAN! HAHA, I'M OUTTA HERE!
Not so fast. Apparently you were so preoccupied with getting laid, you forgot that we came to Massachusetts to get married.

 

by niteowl
1-18-04
I don't get it. In all these chatrooms, every time some guy proclaims he's a firefighter in the room, women just throw themselves at 'em. What the fuck?
Because rugged and tough men are sexy, I guess.
All these women are like, "OMG FIREFIGHTERS ARE SO SEXY!" If this chatroom was really a rock concert, chicks would be throwing their bras at 'em.
Ok, the truth is...it's the hose. Women like the fact that firefighters carry around a big hose. Extention of the genitals, so to speak.
You women are nuts. You don't see us men start drooling over an old lady who whips out a pink coin purse while in line at the grocery store.
You are one sick fuck, you know that?

 

by niteowl
1-18-04
420 comics.
I can't believe this pudknocker has made 420 comics.
Me either.
Word.
Oh...hello there dear reader. You were expecting some kind of drug reference in this comic, weren't you?
No drug references in this comic! No sir! None at all!

 

by niteowl
1-19-04
Alright kids, it's time for a totally awesome comic experiment. Notice how the backgrounds in this comic are red, green, & blue?
Shake your head violently from side to side and see if the colors blend together. It really works if you do it right.
Dropping a lot of acid helps too.

 

by niteowl
1-19-04
I hope there's nothing on TV you want to watch tonight honey, because I'm watching the premiere of American Idol.
Alrighty, I'm going to the bar then.
But you don't drink anymore!
Well, it was only a matter of time before something would drive me to drink again.
Remember when we lost the house, you lost your job, and your entire family died in that horrible plane crash? You didn't drink after all that happened!
Things weren't that bad then. Later.

 

by niteowl
1-19-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Let's go to Disneyland!
OMG I just love Mickey!

 

by niteowl
1-20-04
My girlfriend 5 minutes ago, while watching American Idol.
"I lost 80 pounds for this! *cry*"
"They didn't pick me! Fuck them!"
"Someday I'm going to make someone a lot of money, including myself!"
Yeah. A porn director, or a pimp.

 

by niteowl
1-20-04
This is another true story, seen today on our way home from work.
Hmm, the license plate on that car says "KIK". I wonder what it stands for...
It's a typo. They must've meant "LOL".

 

by niteowl
1-22-04
How do you manage to get all that makeup on in the morning? With a Wagner Power Sprayer?

 

by niteowl
1-22-04
So have you ever tried it? I've always wanted to, but I'm scared.
Yeah once, but it was just so strange...
What happened?
I stuck my finger up in there, but it felt so...weird. Sure it gave me tingles throughout my body at first, but I didn't feel good afterwards. I felt so...
Dumb?
Yeah. I should've listened to my mom. She always told me never to stick my finger in a light socket.

 

by niteowl
1-23-04
I just saw your daughter on the new Girls Gone Wild video. Judging by your body features, she got her big rack from your side of the family.

 

by niteowl
1-25-04
Interesting.
What's interesting?
The sites you're at right now...A guitar tab site, stripcreator, and Plan 9 from Outer Space at IMDB. Are you ok? You aren't getting sick are you?
I'm fine...why?
No porn today? What's the deal?
Last night, I accidentally downloaded a porno with my english teacher in it. I'm never downloading porn again.

 

by niteowl
1-25-04
Hey there Mr. Alien, nice gun. What does it do?
It has a myriad of uses, but mostly I use it for flambéing and sautéing.
That's dumb! Whoever heard of a gun that helps you cook? Guns are for killing and maiming! You must be a gay alien!
So do you take that thing clothes shopping with you? Do you zap those bland browns and turn 'em into pastels? HAHA! You suck, dude!
...set to total annihilation...

 

by niteowl
1-25-04
Yo, whut up dawg? Wizzelcome to McDizzonald's! Whutchu want to chow down on homeskizzie?
Excuse me, but why the hell are you talking like that?
Sheeit mang, the dawgs heayah at McDizzie want us to be hip and frizzesh like Doug E. We're keepin' it real, knowmsayin?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Bitch, you be trippin, yo! Take dat bling bling somewhere else fo' I pop a cap in yo ass!
That's it son, you are quitting this job.

 

by niteowl
1-25-04
What's wrong baby? Are you mad at me?
Yes I am.
Why?
You pissed me off.
Uh, I didn't do anything to piss you off....
Well, I'm sure you'll do SOMETHING to piss me off sooner or later.

 

by niteowl
1-25-04
What's wrong baby? Are you mad at me?
Yes I am.
Why?
You pissed me off.
Uh, I didn't do anything to piss you off....
That's the point. You're the perfect boyfriend, and you never do ANYTHING wrong! I need drama! WHERE'S THE DRAMA? CHRIST, CAN'T WE JUST BE A NORMAL COUPLE?

 

by niteowl
1-25-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Professor Spankling, what's a snickerdoodle?

 

by niteowl
1-26-04
1.
Mom, the Jell-o is talking to me. It's telling me to spare my stomach the misery and go to McDonald's.
2.
Where's daddy? Why, he's on your plate!
3.
Mom, this hamburger is a little undercooked.

 

by niteowl
1-26-04
Presented by Comedy Central.
We're here tonight to roast Oscar Mayer.
He seems to think everyone's in love with him, but we all know he's made of lips and assholes.
Mostly assholes.

 

by niteowl
1-26-04
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, Ha!
Whatthefuckchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?

 

by niteowl
1-27-04
Is it just me, or are teenagers on the internet really annoying these days?
Most definitely.
We weren't that annoying when we were younger.
Yeah, but we didn't have the internet back then.
Remember that time we mooned the entire town during the Holiday parade? That was awesome.
No kidding. Your dirt spider was exceptionally dirty THAT day.

 

by niteowl
1-28-04
Hey...you look like me.
That's because I'm you in the near future.
You can go inside now, asshole.

 

by niteowl
1-29-04
Last night was the worst. I hit this deer...
Oh my God! Did it die?
No, I gave it mouth-to-mouth. His nose starting glowing afterwards though. Weird, huh?
Totally weird.
Thanks Lady!

 

by niteowl
1-31-04
The hunter deftly pushes a couple of buttons on the remote control, ordering this monster on pay-per-view.
*click click...click*
Observe...as the hunter stalks its prey, watching it's every move, until...
*yawn*
SUCCESS!
*ZZZZZZZ*

 

by niteowl
1-31-04
Good evening, welcome to The Sex Shop. Can I help you?
Yes, I'd like to exchange these.
Ok. I see you have condoms there. Please note that you have to exchange those for condoms of equal or lesser value.
Why would I want to exchange these for condoms though?
...I want to get good balloons this time, since these don't blow up into funny shapes.

 

by niteowl
1-31-04
I see you guys sell dirty videos here. Heh heh. This friend of mine, he went to this sex store one night to buy some pornos.
So he's at the counter but no one's there to ring him up and he gets all horny looking at the vids he's gonna buy, so he starts jerking it right there!
I mean, right there in the middle of the store! Busted a nut right on the counter and everything! Then he dropped the tapes and ran...
Uh, dropped the tapes and ran? Why didn't he just steal 'em?
I guess he didn't need to buy the tapes since he did his business for the night right there.

 

by niteowl
1-31-04
Ok, so...if you want to exch-
Hey man, have you ever caught anyone whacking off in here?
A few times...look, are you going to exchange those or-
Has anyone ever blew their load on this counter?
HELL NO!
Can I de-virginize it then?

 

by niteowl
1-31-04
You are sick, you know that?
Heh heh! Yes I am!
Alright goddamnit, I've got work to do, so let's get this exchange done, ok?
Wow, you sure are a pissy lil bitch...
I AM NOT! SOME OF US HAVE A JOB TO DO, OK?
You need to get laid man. Sounds like you need these balloons a helluva lot more than I do.

 

by niteowl
1-31-04
God help me, I'm going to wring this motherfucker's neck in about 30 seconds...
So do you get a lot of hot chicks in here buying whips and chains and shit like that? Dude, that would be so awesome...
You've got the best job in the world. You get to wait on these hot broads, and you KNOW they like to fuck, because hey...why else would they be in here...
It turned into the WORST job in the world when you came up to the counter...
...just imagine what they do with all those toys they buy and...oof. I better stop now before this gets out of hand...or into hand! Heh!

 

by niteowl
1-31-04
I've had enough of this. Sir, you are holding up the line, so kindly get out of the way...
Really? Ok then...Well Hello there, pretty kitty! ROWR! Uh, I'm going to go look around for a bit...
Thank you.
Hi Susie.
Hi Jon. Are you ok, babe? Did that guy hit on you? Should I kick him in the nuts since you can't without getting fired?

 

by niteowl
1-31-04
Don't worry about me, babe. I'm a little annoyed, but I'm fine. He's just one of those...well, you know.
Hmmm....
He's a "talker", huh?
Yep. He just will not shut up.
Try to sell him one of those ball gag thingies!

 

by niteowl
1-31-04
I really wish you didn't have to work...
Me too babe, me too.
I say you should just close up the store right now! It's midnight, and the only one in here is Psycho Boy over there. No one else is gonna come in tonight...
You know, that gives me an idea...
I hope that idea doesn't involve bombing this place. My dad will be pissed if he finds out you blew up his store.

 

by niteowl
1-31-04
Why not let Psycho Boy run the store? Like you said, no one is gonna show up here tonight...how about I meet you at your place in about 10 minutes?
Alright...See you then Jon!
Hey...hey you over there, could you come up to the counter please? I have a proposition for you.
I have to go. Could you run the store for about an hour?
Hell yeah! Hot chicks buying toys and porn! And me ringing them up! And getting their phone numbers off their checks! Awesome!

Showing page 9.

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