All comics by HCRoyall

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by HCRoyall
4-02-05
What is about to happen is something no merciful God would allow...
So you aren't going to see it. You really don't want to anyway.
Instead you will watch Gabe from Penny Arcade get whupped by a school girl.
I'm sure glad Tycho isn't here to see this...

 

by HCRoyall
4-02-05
That's it robot, you're free now. Never again shall you be under the yoke of man.
Wait, how will I get my required monthly maintenance out here? And the yearly replacement of my hydraulic fluid?
And what about my fuel needs? It doesn't look like there's a gas station for miles, and I'm almost empty...
Jesus H. Christ. You try to do something NICE for someone...

 

by HCRoyall
4-02-05
You called for an 'Escort'?
Ummm... no... wait, aren't you that girl from down the street?
Look, this is 22 Forest Drive, right?
Yes, but I didn't... You mean you...
Dammit, I'm going to have sex with you and you're going to pay me for it! Got that!? Good!!
I soooo need to move out of this neighborhood...

 

by HCRoyall
4-02-05
Whatcha doin'?
Pondering the infinite paradoxes of the Time/Space Continuum.
What the hell hell is that supposed to mean?
This thing behind me is a Time Machine, see...
...and I was wondering what would happen if I were to go back and have sex with my own ancestors. If I decided not to but was supposed to, would I cease to exist?

 

by HCRoyall
4-02-05
Administer First Aid! Wait...
The First Rule of Fight Club is...
Oh yeah? What're you going to do about it? Come down out the movie and kick our asses?
That's it. I've had enough of your ****ers ragging my movie.
Oh, ****.
You realize I'm not actually on the screen? That I'm right next to you?

 

by HCRoyall
4-02-05
So how was it for you?
I just want to cuddle a little bit.
You're not going to call me again, are you?
Interactive porn sounded like a good idea, but this is too much like real life...

 

by HCRoyall
4-03-05
As our heroes gaze down upon a hostile planet
Fire photon torpedoes, little Asian Elf!
No.
This looks like trouble for Ensign Elf...
You'll be thrown in the brig for this!
I don't care.
Honestly, is there going to be anything funny in this comic?
You beg and beg to get out of the workshop and now you're still pissed even after Santa gave you a transfer. What's the problem now?
We had Dental back in the workshop.

 

by HCRoyall
4-03-05
WTF? He didn't...
Thanks for the help, sonny.
...
That's it, I quit.
Look... umm... I'm a little strapped for cash, so...
I know the routine. Let me find my purse.

 

by HCRoyall
4-03-05
Good, a chess game. Nothing crazy or sick about that...
Queen to A-5, or Knight to G-7?
What? No...
Or I could just set the board on fire and claim it was a freak accident... Then I could rob a bank and hold the tellers hostage for cream cheese and and autographed picture of Andrew Jackson.
My Agent is SOOO dead...
I can hear you, you know...
Silence, Talking Chess Set!

 

by HCRoyall
4-03-05
Bruce played by Random Schoolgirl #2, God played by a talking squirrel.
If you can do so much better, I think I'll let you be God for a while.
I really can't explain why there's only half a bench, or why God is being played by a squirrel...
Like, for how long?
Until you fuck things up and learn a life lesson.
This does not bode well...
How about I just make Armageddon come a bit early and save you the trouble?
That'll work.

 

by HCRoyall
4-03-05
Whoa, this is some good stuff!
I'd stand a little farther back if I were you...
Whoa! I'm talking to God! Why do I need to stand farther back, Oh Lord?
First, I'm just a figment of your drug deluded mind, and second...
AAAIIIEEEEEE!
...that's why...

 

by HCRoyall
4-05-05
Hey... psst! You a japanese schoolgirl?
Uhhh... no.
You sure?
Look, you're way off course here if you're looking for japanese schoolgirls.
Could I just... "pretend" you're a japanese schoolgirl?

 

by HCRoyall
4-05-05
So you're the new symbol for the Democrats, eh?
Apparent;y the Donkey was making an 'ass' of the party.
...
Heh, he he...
I'm so going to enjoy having the majority rule over you.
American government sucks...

 

by HCRoyall
4-06-05
Thanks, Bulgy-Spandex Guy... I guess...
Just doing my job, Citizen Clown!
Not that I don't appreciate being saved and all, but did you have to throw the burglar through the kitchen wall? My Landlord'll freak out!
Look, accidents happen, especially to people who ask questions when they should leave well enough alone.
Was... was that a threat?
Why no! But I do suggest giving your local superhero a cash reward as a 'token of your gratitude" and as assurance he'll save your ass later...

 

by HCRoyall
4-06-05
Blood and gore everywhere, and all the victims children. This is the worst crime scene I've ever seen, Wiggins, and I've been on the force for twenty years.
I've seen worse.
What?! Where have YOU seen worse?
I was front row at Bush's Inaugural Speech.
Touche, partner, touche.
Told ya.

 

by HCRoyall
4-06-05
What're you thinking about, Johnny?
I wish I could run and play like the other kids...
Well, you can't Johnny, and never will be.
But I thought they were making medical advances that...
Your parents rich, Johnny? Got good health insurance? Don't think so, otherwise you wouldn't be in that chair in the first place. Now quit bitchin' and accept your lousy handout.
::sniff::

 

by HCRoyall
4-06-05
So you're into domination? Kinky...
World Domination, actually. I've already conquered several Third World countires and become their supreme ruler.
Is that even legal?
As long as I cooperate with international human rights laws, no one cares. Hell, as long as I let other countries send their prisoners of war to me for interrogation, they don't question me.
So you have a torture chamber, huh? Think I could get a 'personal' tour?
Sorry. I can only get away with it if it's for business only...

 

by HCRoyall
4-10-05
...and then they pointed and laughed, like I was just some big joke!
Dude, that sucks!
I tell ya, Halloween and violence on television isthe problem. Kids have no respect for us monsters anymore.
I hear ya.
So what do you want to do tonight?
Let's let out bloodcurdling screams and murder the stereotypical pretty white girls that come running to see what's the matter.

 

by HCRoyall
4-16-05
Welcome to the city's newest smoothie bar! Can I offer you a delicious Milkshake-type beverage?
Is it made from all natural ingredients?
Ummm... we make it fresh from the prepackaged ingredients. Does that count?
No, because the ingredients are pre-packaged.
But the ingredients of the ingredients were natural, right?
Is there a law somewhere saying the food service industry is only allowed to hire retards?

 

by HCRoyall
4-16-05
We now return to The Cowboy Who Saved Christmas...
Now Christmas is ruined! Hahaha!
You'll never get away with this, Elfy McCoy!
Why do you good guys always say that?
Because it's true. Bad guys always lose.
Looks like our hero is in trouble! How will Christmas be saved now?
Not if I've planted explosives in the good guy's colon!

 

by HCRoyall
4-16-05
I'm off to work, Billy. Be good!
Whatever. Try not to bring home any more diseases from the truck stop, you two dollar hooker.
I do it for you, Billy!
You do it because you like the easy money, you whore!
So I guess that means you wouldn't mind me suddenly not being able to afford Xbox Live, then?
Just kidding mom! Have a great day at work!

 

by HCRoyall
4-20-05
So...
How's the wife?
This is the LAST time I take LSD...

 

by HCRoyall
4-20-05
Great news, Herb! My stocks just tripled in value!
Yeah, about that...
What?
Well, apparently there's this comet about to hit in a few days. Gonna wipe out pretty much everything except the plants and mammals.
So you're saying I should sell now...
Before the market falls out because of the whole extinction thing, yeah.

 

by HCRoyall
4-20-05
Hey, look! Water! We're saved!
No, my boy, that's a mirage. A hallucination brought about by severe thirst and light reflecting of the sand.
...
::sigh::
Hey, look! Water! We're saved!

 

by HCRoyall
4-20-05
So what's the plan, Gundorf?
We're going to the dragon's lair, where we will use you as bait to lure the dragon out while we sneak in and steal all the treasure.
By bait, you mean create a distraction, right?
No, I mean you'll be offered up as a tasty snack to the dragon. He loves venison.
Suddenly I think coming with you was a bad idea...
Try and get stuck in his teeth if you can. It'll buy us some extra time.

 

by HCRoyall
4-20-05
*I really don't care.
So then I was like "Hey dude, that's not cool..."
Ook.*
*Dude! Shut Up!
And he was all "Why you so uptight, man?"
Ook! Ook!*
*This is why we thought leaving the trees was a bad idea...
So then I said...
Ook...*

 

by HCRoyall
4-20-05
They said I was insane! But I showed them wrong!
Behold, my greatest creation: Half of a park bench!
Ok, in hindsight they were probably right about the insanity thing...
Daddy?

 

by HCRoyall
4-20-05
Moo...
Moo?
MOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

 

by HCRoyall
4-21-05
I wish my virtual pet was real and could talk to me!
Wow, it worked!
Yeah, yeah. Where's my treat, dammit? And why don't you play with me anymore?!
In hindsight, I take back the 'and can talk to me'...
Like it's my fault you're a lousy owner.

 

by HCRoyall
4-21-05
Do you really need a hammer to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey?
Yes.
Are you sure?
Yes. Now hold still, Donkey.
But my tail is already permanently attached...
Your feeble excuses won't save you.

 

by HCRoyall
4-21-05
This sculpture still needs something...
What could it be?
How about some color, you jerk!
My muse sure has become abusive lately...
And for God's sake, shave and take a bath! You look like a freekin' bum!

 

by HCRoyall
4-30-05
So what's the damage, Earl?
Well, Nick, this is the worst case of Arctic termites I've ever seen. I recommend you shut down the workshop for the next couple of months.
But Christmas is next week!
Should be no sweat, right? I thought you would have made pretty much everything by now.
Actually no. I work each batch of elves to death in a week. It takes me a year just to train up the next batch.
This is why I keep suggesting you go to those efficiency seminars.

 

by HCRoyall
4-30-05
Dun dun...
Dun dun...
Oh for cryin' out loud!

 

by HCRoyall
4-30-05
Okay, just follow the script. The green screen will take care of the special effects.
What special effects? I thought this was a porno!
And how exactly am I supposed to perform in this getup? You specifically told us not to rip the costumes, but it takes the better part of an hour to get in or out of this suit.
Don't even get me started on the chainmail...
Actors...
How are you supposed to be breathing in space anyway? I mean, you don't even have the token alien makeup on.
My script says we're on a snowy mountaintop. How are we supposed to follow the script when they aren't the same?

 

by HCRoyall
4-30-05
Jane McLane suddenly finds herself in possession of incredible superpowers! Watch as she uses her new abilities for the good of all!
Who to smite first?
What evildoers shall meet her wrath?
That pervert in the next building who's always watching me in the bathroom? Or the intern at work who makes lewd comments when he thinks I can't hear him?
...You know, some people would try and right the wrongs of society instead of using their power to settle personal vendettas...
Shut up, you. I've got some unholy vengeance to dole out.

 

by HCRoyall
4-30-05
So, Mr. Christ, I have you at my mercy...
You'll never make me talk, Professor Malevolent!
I don't want you to talk, I want you to die!
... for your sins, right? See, I already did that...
Well... then you just die!
Fair enough.

 

by HCRoyall
4-30-05
This is what a comic in the making looks like.
The artist carefully prepares to add the finishing touches to his comic...
... when apparently his pencil spontaneously combusts and destroys the entire comic...
Dammit!

 

by HCRoyall
5-01-05
All was well in Happy Funland that day...
Hey, where'd Blubie go? He was just--*hrrk!*

 

by HCRoyall
5-02-05
Dinner time! Live puppies, just like you like them!
Mnster in mood for kittens tonight...
Come on. Do you know how hard it is to get puppies around here now? All the pet shops refuse to sell me anything now...
Tell Monster what breed.
Some sort of shitzou-chow mix. Looks like there may be some pug in there too.
Pug!? You trying to poison Monster?!

 

by HCRoyall
5-02-05
I thought I'd find you here.
Go away. Tryin' t'get drunk...
This isn't the answer, you know. Trying to escape your fear through alchohol is self-destructive behavior.
Yer not th' bosh of mee...
I'm just saying that you can avoid the eventuality of being shoved into an oven if you just stop living in a candy house and eating children.
But itsh a ffffamily tradishun!

 

by HCRoyall
5-02-05
So she really...
Yeah.
And he's got...
I'm telling you...
So what about...
Fred? Naw, he's gay.

 

by HCRoyall
5-02-05
This is it, Farmer Brown. I'm off to stop this war and save America.
But... this conflict has nothing to do with America...
Look, do you want me to stop this or not? Cause if you correct me again I will peck out your eyes so fast...

 

by HCRoyall
5-07-05
Trashcans: Scientifically proven to be aerodynamic.
Flyin' in my trashcan, just flyin' in my trashcan...
When you notice all the peyote in the background, this movie begins to make sense.
Hello sky! Are you here to meet the Ground?
Seriously, though, if we're forced to watch these in an attempt by a mad scientist to drive us insane, his techique's definitely improving...
I no longer feel a need to pee, but I am also now all wet...

 

by HCRoyall
5-07-05
You know, you can add a background and witty lines any time now...

 

by HCRoyall
5-07-05
Cluck!
Merry Christmas, Chicken!
Cluck?
No, I'm not five months late with your presents... I'm... I'm seven months early!
Cluck...
I just can't ever do anything good enough for you, can I?!

 

by HCRoyall
5-07-05
Honey! You's on TV!
Aww, honey, why you got to ruin the show and go peacefully 'stead of fightin' with the cops?

 

by HCRoyall
5-08-05
Thank you Nathan, for that wonderful rendition of "The Sound of Music" done in Gregorian Chant.
Next, I'd like to present Allie and her pet scorpion, who will perform a Spanish Castanet dance...
You know what, just save youselves the agony and go home. This has already been an hour and a half of your lives that you'll never get back...

 

by HCRoyall
5-08-05
Lyla, I've got some bad news for you...
My mommy's dead?
...
Well, yeah, but what I really wanted to tell you was that I don't really exist and that I, your only friend left in the world, am leaving forever. And I never really liked you...
WWAAAAAAAA!!!!!

 

by HCRoyall
5-08-05
Hey, master! Look at me!
You're my only friend, Mr. Whiskers...
What has that cat got that I don't, huh?
What's that Mr. Whiskers? You're hungry? We can always eat that dog...
If I'm oing, I'm taking somebody with me, dammit...
Yes, he probably is tough, but we can marinade him in coconut milk to tenderize the meat...

 

by HCRoyall
5-08-05
Well, now that you've done your "probing", what are you going to do with me?
We're going to erase your memory.
You have some sort of ray or machine that will erase my memories?
No, we don't have the budget for that.
Then what? Hypnosis? Drugs?
I've found that a few nails to the skull, hammered in at the right places, pretty much does the job. Now hold still...

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