All comics by boorite

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by boorite
3-13-01
Incoming missiles! Save us, O Lord!
First you gotta believeth on Me!
OK, OK! I believeth on you!
Very good. Let the miracles begin.
What th--?
Damn. It still doesn't work.

 

by boorite
3-13-01
I see by your outfit that you are a cowboy.
Uh-oh.
Well?
Er, um, I see by your outfit that you are... a dentist?
Of all the... where's a mirror?
Whew.

 

by boorite
3-13-01
On the White House lawn...
Mr. President, which do you think is cuter: puppies or kittens?
Now let's see if my Ethics Ray works on journalists...
Feel so... strange... can't form... softball questions... thirst for.... actual inf... infor...
Yes!
AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE!
Not the desired result, but still an improvement. Hey, there goes Sam Donaldson.

 

by boorite
3-13-01
Month 1
Ring.
Better not answer it. It's probably a bill collector.
Month 2
Ring. Ring. Ring.
I can't bear it! Why won't the bloodsuckers leave me BE?
Month 3
"Dear Telephone Customer: You may have noticed that you are no longer receiving calls from our billing department..."

 

by boorite
3-13-01
Sunglasses after dark. You must think you're really cool.
No, I'm BLIND, you idiot.
Oh. Sorry.
You SHOULD be. In fact, you should issue a written apology to all persons with disabilities everywhere and pay to have it published in the Times.
Maybe that way you'd mobilize one of your two brain cells before opening your screeching, malodorous maw and spewing hate speech. Whaddya say to THAT, you nimrod?

 

by boorite
3-13-01
Psst... Pete. I'm here to bust you out.
Walt? I knew you'd come back for me!
Walt? No, it's Steve.
Ha! Had you going, there. Pete's next cell over. I'm Jim. Throw us a rope anyhow, eh?
Alright, fuck off, then.

 

by boorite
3-13-01
Yeah, I parked you in, Pig. Got a problem with that?
Careful when you back up, Porkie. You scratch my paint and you'll be smellin' some fried-ass bacon!
Yeah, I know my tags are expired. Go ahead and write me a damn ticket. Let's see your badge number.... is that thing real?
Officer, is there a problem? What are you doing to my car?

 

by boorite
3-14-01
Observation post, training exercise, Kuwait, 12 March 2001
These war games are going well, my Kiwi comrade.
Oy, one of your US Navy planes is coming too close...!
KABLAMMMM!
AAARRRRGH!
GAAAAAA!
...koff koff... somebody set up us the bomb...
...groan...

 

by boorite
3-14-01
Say, Big J. I'm fresh out of worshippers, while you're more popular than ever. What am I doing wrong?
Let's start with your doctrine of devouring the faithful.
My message is just the opposite: Here's my blood. Slug it down. Here's my body. Munch on it.
In short...
Eat me.

 

by boorite
3-14-01
When a passenger of the foot hove in view, tootle him melodiously. Avoid entanglement of dog with wheel spokes. Cars will not have intercourse on this bridge.
Do you ever run after your nose? Are you haunted by horribles? Are more than half your teeth off? Have you been influenced by Atom bomb? Have you been put into a mental hospital?
Plawn cock tails. Gland opening every month. What a cool we are! Use scissor to clack the lobster shell of the hard one. That this garmet meets our traditiona standart of quality.
You will excite at our meal! I've never felt fresh. Why does coffee taste so good when you drink it naked with your family? Whenever he wears his jean's jacket on, he feels pioneer spirit.
I am quite sticky about sweets. The rising generation DRAMATIC the thing comes to me. Take a grip of steering. Let's make ready it in your basket. Lovable black Cat, count me is your friend.
Ha ha ha, velly funny raffing to us. Now your turn try write in Japanese.

 

by boorite
3-14-01
I may be incarcerated, but at least I can stay in shape with pushups.
Uuunnnnghh..... One!
....wheeze....
Muscle up, big boy. I ain't implanting MY larvae in that sad-ass rack of bones.

 

by boorite
3-14-01
Today on Iron Chef
The theme ingredient is...
ENORMOUS INSECT PEST!
food
Fukui-San! It looks as if the Enormous Insect Pest is dismembering Chairman Kaga alive!
Yes, I believe it's going to use him in a Sashimi creation.
It looks so gooood. Giggle!

 

by boorite
3-15-01
So.
So.
Look, I'm sorry. I didn't bring any nuts today.
Then I didn't bring no cutesy-wutesy, you motherfucker.

 

by boorite
3-15-01
Before the election...
The big debate's coming up. Help!
OK, I'll be the other candidate: "My opponent's plan fails to consider--"
WHY YOU NAMBY LITTLE FUCKFACE! I'LL WEAR YOUR BALLS FOR A BOWTIE AND CORNHOLE YOUR CORPSE 'TIL YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL PISSES BLOOD ALL OVER HELL!
...um, too much?
No, no. That was perfect.

 

by boorite
3-15-01
At the lunch counter
I fucking thought this fucking sandwich came with a fucking bag of chips.
Well it fucking don't, so you can get fucked, you fucking fucker.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
No, seriously, I want those chips.
No, seriously, get fucked.

 

by boorite
3-15-01
Sunglasses after dark. You must think you're really cool.
No, I'm BLIND, you insensitive clod!
Oh. Me, too.
OK. Sorry, man.
hey...

 

by boorite
3-15-01
Oprah is interviewing Dog-on-a-Ball
I just love how you overcame your quadrupedalism to achieve your dream of dancing on that ball! You go, girl!
Truth, Oprah? I'd much rather be nuzzling another dog's butt or gnawing a rank chicken bone from the garbage.
But they feed me when I do the ball thing, so there it is.
Um, our next guest is Horse-who-can-Count.

 

by boorite
3-15-01
Mmmkay, children, all your base are belong to me, mmkay?
That's it, it's OVER.
A federal appeals judge today told Bill Gates, "All your database are belong to us."
Now, it's really, really OVER.
Quipped President Bush, "All your tax base are belong to us."
Oh God. Kill me.

 

by boorite
3-15-01
Hey, Big J! Let's rub ourselves with Mazola and do each other up the ass!
Behold, I come quickly. Haw!
But seriously, can my hideous Elder God lover-thing join in?
I shall fist thee up to my wristwatch.
Are you sure this will get us into the top 10?
Squeal like a pig, boy.

 

by boorite
3-15-01
You'll swing for this, outlaw!
Hell, I'm into that.
?
Matter of fact, the missus and me got a three-day spouse-swapper lined up at the Milwaukee TraveLodge next week.
You idiot. I mean you'll be hung.
Like a horse, muchacho.

 

by boorite
3-15-01
You make me sick, with your espresso and your Altoids and your stinking clove cigarettes. Always hanging at some sidewalk coffeehouse, conspicuously reading pomo gibberish.
Altoid?
Sure.

 

by boorite
3-15-01
Greetings, domestic ungulate.
Let me guess. You're from the X-Files, right?
No? Planet 10, maybe? You one of them cattle mutilators? Seen Whitley Streiber lately? You gonna abduct me? Can I phone home first?
Ministry of Agriculture.
Not that I was making fun.

 

by boorite
3-15-01
Look, you're better off coming with me. If you hang on, your mouth will fill with horrible pustules and your gums and hooves will slough off.
Do I get to go to Heaven?
Well... bovine heaven. Which is eternal daytime television, basically.
What was the first option again?

 

by boorite
3-16-01
How are you, gentlemen?
We possess none of your military command posts.
Nobody has set up you any explosive device.
Your odds of survival are overwhelmingly excellent.
You haven't the slightest idea what to do.
So please leave your zig in its designated parking space.

 

by boorite
3-16-01
[Cue theme music] CROCODILE HUNTER!
G'day folks! On this episode, I'm gonna fire this HUGE ROCKET royt up me shitter!
You poncey media whore! What's that to do with herpetology?
Well, the nose cone is chock full of DEADLY REPTOILS, innit?
Sssss. Sssss.

 

by boorite
3-16-01
Legal counsel advises you to issue this statement.
"The preceding was satire. Crocodile Hunter has not fired nor plans to fire, up his backside or any other orifice, an explosive rocket containing live snakes."
He really hasn't, has he?
No.
Shame, innit?

 

by boorite
3-16-01
Hey, Rube. Are you aware that some hosebag named Joshp has you talking mystical bollocks in his comic strip?
chattering birds flying in and out of the house and as hobby horses run into full gallop his silver printed statues hang in glass palaces for eyes to salivate alchemy making singing tummies
Shut your god damned cake hole.
All your base...
That's more like it.

 

by boorite
3-16-01
Legal counsel has advised me to disclaim my portrayal of Oprah Winfrey as an unspeakably hideous extraterrestrial demon.
The truth is, folks...OK, how to put this....
This really IS Oprah.
Join my book club!

 

by boorite
3-16-01
[Cue theme music] CROCODILE HUNTER!
G'day, folks! In this episode, we're on the trail of the deadly--
This is crap.
CUT! I can't be expected to work under these conditions!
I thought you said this bloke was a professional!
I don't need this. I was in "Anaconda." I'll be in my trailer.

 

by boorite
3-16-01
spspspspsllllllluuuuurrrrfffle
spspspspsllllllluuuuurrrrfffle
Do you mind?
What? spspspspsllllllluuuuurrrrfffle

 

by boorite
3-16-01
On this fourth day of boorite comics, we thought you'd enjoy these hilarious moments divorced from all context.
Truth, Oprah? I'd much rather be nuzzling another dog's butt or gnawing a rank chicken bone from the garbage.
I shall fist thee up to my wristwatch.
[Cue theme music] CROCODILE HUNTER!
WHY YOU NAMBY LITTLE FUCKFACE! I'LL WEAR YOUR BALLS FOR A BOWTIE AND CORNHOLE YOUR CORPSE 'TIL YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL PISSES BLOOD ALL OVER HELL!
Matter of fact, the missus and me got a three-day spouse-swapper lined up at the Milwaukee TraveLodge next week.
Fukui-San! It looks as if the Enormous Insect Pest is dismembering Chairman Kaga alive!
We possess none of your military command posts.
Join my book club!

 

by boorite
3-16-01
You look like an old Trash-80 Coco.
And you look like Eisenhower's Soviet hotline.
You're right. Why doesn't this lab spring for some new gear?
Quiet, before they hear you. They couldn't give us away at a Bangladesh yard sale. I don't want to end up on some doomed garbage barge in Long Island Sound.
Ring.
READY

 

by boorite
3-23-01
WHO'S YOUR DADDY?
Get bent, creep!
WHO'S YOUR DADDY?
Eeewwwwww.
O Lord, I just can't seem to make it with the chicks.
WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

 

by boorite
3-23-01
Hello, my little protege. I have been reviewing your proposal to the National Science Foundation.
&?
Your grasp of computational bogodynamics is impressive, but I'm afraid you've been spending too much time on those chat thingies.
D00d, WTF?
WTF, Indeed. Remember when you were all like, "wut 4 eye n33d 3ng1ish eye 1337 h4x0rz?" And I was all, "for WRITING, you daft little bint..."
4q2 m0f0 cul8r

 

by boorite
3-26-01
Bob here.
Hi, Dad. It's Jakob, calling to remind you that you never won a major Grammy 'til the same year I did. How punk-ass is that?
Right. Call me when YOU set a certain little gold man named Oscar on your mantle.
Best song, huh? You know, 7 of the last 11 of those went to Disney cartoons, and another went to that unwatchable Dick Tracy atrocity.
You're illegitimate.

 

by boorite
3-26-01
[CUE OSCAR-WINNING SONG] Hnnnrrnnh unna mumma, things have changed.
I'm trying to write a novel about a novelist trying to write a novel. That's 'cuz I'm baked as a fucking lasagna.
I am a dark and brooding young talent. Maybe your ganja will cause me to lighten the fuck up.
I HATE self-absorbed old stoners! Plus he's boning my master's wife! GRRR! KILL!
Bang. Dead dog.
What the hell was I just doing in bed with Robert Downey, Jr? Oh look, here's the cops. Finally.
You got me fired, punk, but I'm still dorking the Chancellor. Hotcha!

 

by boorite
3-26-01
You mind tossing me one of those?
Yes.
Yes, you mind? Or yes, you'll toss me one?

 

by boorite
3-26-01
OK, folks. The Onion did an "all your base" story last week.
That means it's OVER, capiche?
Then again, there's still Leno.
And Mad TV. Not to mention SNL.

 

by boorite
3-26-01
Give us a taste, whydontcha?
SWEET JESUS. You look like you need it more'n me, buddy.
What's that supposed to mean?
Um, well, you know.
No, I don't know. Why don't you come over here and whisper it into my FOOT?

 

by boorite
3-26-01
Washington announced today that it would withdraw its diplomatic corps from Russia.
Quipped President Bush, "The bombing starts in 5 minutes," prompting President Putin to ask if Bush ever had even one original idea.
Next: Scenes from the smoking ruins of Moscow.
That original enough for ya, Rooskie?

 

by boorite
3-26-01
Dude, I just had the weirdest dream that Michael Hutchence died.
For the last time, he did. And your outfit is over 10 years out of style. That's why chicks throw beer bottles at you.
Ten years? Really?
Probably more like 15. Your sense of cool apparently ossified during your freshman year in college.
Oh, goodie! Then it's almost retro kitsch!
That tie is not too skinny to strangle you with.

 

by boorite
3-26-01
Dude, I just had the weirdest dream that Kurt Cobain died.
For the last time, he did. Furthermore, your look is at least 5 years out of style.
You shittin' me? Five years?
More like 9. You look like an extra from the movie "Singles."
Hmmm. Is it old enough to be retro kitsch yet?
Sorry, gotta go through the 80s first. We started with the President.

 

by boorite
3-27-01
eeeYAAARRRGH! Blaaarrf. HUUUUUUeeey!
AAAAR, Jim! Eeeeeuuroupe! BUUU-ick!
Bailey's and gin. Never again.
You don't know how right you are.

 

by boorite
3-27-01
What seems to be the problem?
See, Doc, when I was 13 years old, I wasted all my time drawing cartoons where the punchline was someone vomiting or cursing.
I see. Go on.
Well, here I am, pushing 40, and I haven't progressed one bit.
Excuse me. GLAAAAARRRRRFFF!
Fuck!

 

by boorite
3-27-01
Mr. President, did you and the Prime Minister discover you have anything in common?
We both use Colgate toothpaste.
Ha ha ha ha.
...and plenty of K-Y jelly.
Um....
We both like to play "Midnight Rodeo."

 

by boorite
3-27-01
So an elephant gets a thorn stuck in his foot...
....and this squirrel tells him he'll pull it out for him on one condition--
I know, I know. "Take it all, bitch." Just hilarious.
It works because squirrels have tiny peckers.

 

by boorite
3-27-01
Anyway, you got the joke all wrong. The elephant doesn't get a thorn in his foot. He gets caught in a net and the squirrel chews through the ropes.
Then, as the squirrel is punking the elephant, THAT'S when the latter steps on a thorn and cries out in pain. Thus the squirrel's admonition to "take it all."
For a creature who never forgets, you sure act retarded.
I think the salient point was your tiny pecker.

 

by boorite
3-27-01
There once was a Goth dubbed Asmodeus
Whose reek of patchouli was odious
He passed out on a bender
And his thoughtful bartender
Washed him up in the commodious!
Burma Shave.

 

by boorite
3-28-01
Now to Tyler, reporting from Palestine.
Would you like to be on CNN, little girl? Tell us how you feel about this Israeli retaliation.
Why is it always your allies who "retaliate" and their enemies who "attack?"
I'd say that your ally, an overwhelmingly superior occupying force, is attacking, and it is we who retaliate-- to the limited extent we are able, given the level of US military backing.
I said FEEL, sister. Think "soundbite."
I feel like punching you in the nuts.

 

by boorite
3-28-01
We are here to watch famous dead painter Jean Michel Basquiat get famous and die.
Graffitti tagging is fun, but I'd score more groupies and drug money with incomprehensible paintings that resemble stomach contents.
You're a TOOL. Goodbye.
Spigot = Bowie = Warhol
Gee, now that I've stepped on all my friends, and the art world has inexplicably soiled its panties over my work, I think I'll have a whiny angst fit.
Ooh. Yeah. Yeah. I dunno. Ooh. I dunno what's good anymore.
Tyler = Dennis Hopper
Didn't you hear? Warhol is dead.
Oh, shit. Me, too.

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