All comics by docmike

 

by docmike
4-02-07
You see, son, God loves us, so we have to worship him.
So, where is this God guy?
Well, we can't actually see him, but we know he's there.
How do we know?
Because it says so in this really old book my father gave me.
You mean the one you keep under your bed with all the naked women in it?

 

by docmike
4-02-07
If we follow God's laws, we'll go to a better place.
Better than this?
Much better! There won't be any suffering at all. No wars, no murders, no rapes, no natural disasters. We'll just be happy all the time!
So why didn't God just make that place?
?

 

by docmike
4-03-07
Goodnight, Sweety.
And remember, if you're a good little girl, God will send you to the Happy Place!
Yeah, and if you're bad, he'll send you to the bad place where your bones will be broken and your flesh will burn in the pits of Hell forever and ever!
That's right, Honey. God loves you.
Sweet dreams...
Sweet dreams...

 

by docmike
4-03-07
Annual Bible Justification Symposium
Our first topic today is: How to reconcile the two different creation stories in the Bible.
Genesis 1 says: Earth, plants, animals, then Adam and Eve together. Genesis 2 says: Earth, Adam, plants, animals, then Eve from a rib. Which one do we choose?
I don't know, but let's get this thing over with. I suddenly have a craving for Tony Roma's.

 

by docmike
4-03-07
Annual Bible Justification Symposium
Our next topic is Stoning. God seems to be quite fond of it.
According to Deuteronomy, Leviticus, and Numbers; we should be stoning our children and neighbors for everything from being rebellious, to premarital sex, to working on Sundays.
What do we have to do these days to provoke a good old-fashioned stoning?
If you really want a good old-fashioned "stoning", shut up and open the damn bar!

 

by docmike
4-03-07
He said to put two of every kind of animal in the arc. How hard could that be?
Noah, dude, you are wacked man! Do you realize there are 900,000 documented species of insects alone? And the actual number is estimated in the millions!
Noah?
Maybe he said two of every kind of sheep...

 

by docmike
4-04-07
Actual Bible Stories: The Seduction of Lot. Genesis 19:32
Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve his seed.
Cool, Dad is so hot!
Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve the seed of our father.
Goodie! My turn! I'm already wet just thinking about it!
So, you're turning me down again? That's two nights in a row, Lot. What gives?

 

by docmike
4-12-07
In Matthew 15:4 Jesus says, "Honour thy father and mother."
In Luke 14:26 he says, "If any man come to me, and hate not his father and mother...he cannot be my disciple."
What about Proverbs 1:8? "Hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother."
Matthew 23:9 says, "Call no man your father upon the earth."
Your son is obviously reading the wrong parts of the Bible. Why don't you bring him in for some "hands on" Christian intervention?
Bless you Father.

 

by docmike
4-12-07
Deuteronomy 23:1
It says, "He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
So, only men with undamaged penises can go to heaven?
Yeah. I don't understand God's obsession with the male sex organ?
I do!
You'd like to join our church, why?
You heard me.

 

by docmike
4-20-07
The Bible said it. I believe it. That settles it.
So basically, you're a non-thinking moron?
That's the beauty of Christianity, Brother. We don't have to think.
Plus, that Amy Grant is a real hottie!

 

by docmike
4-20-07
The Bible said it. I believe it. That settles it.
Settles what?

 

by docmike
4-20-07
The Bible said it. I believe it. That settles it.
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by docmike
5-02-07
Actual Bible Stories: The Tower of Babel. Genesis 11
We have to do something, fast! They're building a tower up to heaven!
That's impossible, isn't it?
I don't know. What do you think I am, omnipotent?
Don't you mean "omniscient"?
I've got it! I'll just mix up their linguistication so they can no longer comunicrate.
You're fucking losing it, Dad.

 

by docmike
5-07-07
Today, I embark on a journey of self discovery.
Hey, Me.
Hey, Me.
What the fuck just happened?

 

by docmike
5-07-07
Can I help you, Sir?
Sir!? Can't you see I'm a woman?
I'm sorry, Ma'am. Of course you are. When's your baby due?
Baby!? I'm not pregnant! I want to speak to your manager!!!
What seems to be the problem, Sir?
That young man is being very rude to me!

 

by docmike
5-08-07
Actual Bible Stories: Spilling the Seed. Genesis 38
As you know, Son, God killed your brother. Now he wants you to marry your sister-in-law, have sex with her, and raise children.
But, Dad, I'm not ready for kids yet.
Then just "pull out".
Yeah, that's right. Just "pull out".

 

by docmike
5-09-07
One day at the post office
Excuse me... I see you're buying a full book of stamps and I just need one. Can I buy one off you for fifty cents?
Hang on a second and I'll give you one for free.
Thanks, Brother.
No problem.
I just want you to know that Jesus loves you and God has a plan for your life.
On second thought, make that five bucks. I think God's plan includes me being a millionaire asshole.

 

by docmike
5-10-07
Actual Bible Stories: The Book of Job
I'm bored... Let's make this more interesting. I bet I can turn one of your best humans against you.
Okay, I've got one for you, my servant Job. He's a perfect upright man. You'll never turn him.
You're on... But you'll have to give me full power to torture him and his family as much as I want. Are you willing to do that with such a dedicated servant.
Sure, what the hell. A bet's a bet!
Some years later...
Well, I guess you win... I killed his children, inflicted him with every gruesome, horrible disease I could think of. I made his life a living hell and he still won't turn against you!
Ah Ha! I win! That'll be one dollar, please!

 

by docmike
5-16-07
Channel 3 News Flash
At a press conference today, Kirk Cameron proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that God exists. He said, "Humans are so complex and intricate that they had to be created by a higher power."
In response, one reporter asked, "Wouldn't God have to be even more complex and intricate than humans? And wouldn't your argument require that someone created God?"
Cameron shot back with, "The Bible said it. I believe it. That settles it."

 

by docmike
5-17-07
Did you hear Jerry Falwell died?
I know. It's so sad. He was such a good God-fearing, Christian man.
Did you hear Jerry Falwell died?
Horray! Maybe there really is a God!
Did you hear Jerry Falwell died?
Jerry who?

 

by docmike
5-22-07
Sister, please open your Bible and read aloud from Malachi Chapter 2, verse 3.
Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces...
Oops! Sorry. I meant to say Matthew Chapter 3, verse 2.
Repent ye: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.
Sorry, Lord. I fucked up again...

 

by docmike
5-25-07
So, you killed your family because?
My wife had an affair with her dentist and my son told me to fuck off.
And you killed your neighbors because?
Stan and Henry are gay. Bob slept with his mother-in-law. And I caught Mr. Robertson having sex with his cat.
Okay, looks like you followed God's laws in all cases except one. According to Leviticus 20:15, you clearly should have killed the cat.
Sorry, Officer. It won't happen again...

 

by docmike
5-31-07
Mark 10:21
If you want to go to heaven, sell all that you have and give the money to the poor.
Yes, Lord.
John 12:3-8
Jesus, I'd love to rub expensive oil all over your body. But maybe I should sell it instead and give the money to the poor.
Where did you get a crazy idea like that?
Matthew 4:19
But didn't you say that was the way to get to heaven?
There are other ways to get to heaven, Toots. Grab your oil and "follow me."

 

by docmike
6-12-07
Actual Bible Stories: Jesus Curses a Fig Tree. Mark 11:13, Matthew 21:19
Oh look, there's a fig tree. Let's go get something to eat.
But, Lord, figs are out of season. There won't be any fruit.
I'M HUNGRY AND I WANT MY FIGS NOW!!!
Yep, just as I suspected... No fruit.
Later...
Why did you have to kill the tree, Son? It was out of season, for Christ's sake!
It wasn't me, Dad.

 

by docmike
6-23-07
Billy Bob's Bar-B-Que
Gimme a brisket sandwich, a double cheesebuger, and a side of pork ribs.
Sorry, we ain't got no pork. Pigs are unclean. They cheweth not the cud.
Sue's Japanese Grill
I'll have a beetle & grasshopper salad and an order of lobster tempura.
Sorry, no Robsta. He unclean. He live underwater, but he have no fin or scale.
Karl's Kajun Kitchen
Sorry, ya'll. I got nothing...

 

by docmike
7-10-07
Numbers 18:17 Thou shalt sprinkle their blood upon the altar, and shalt burn their fat for an offering made by fire, for a sweet savour unto the LORD.
Sorry, Little Buddy. You've been a good friend and more (if you know what I mean). But it's God's will and all...
?
But why, Dad? Why all the animal sacrifice and burnt offerings?
I don't know, Son. I guess I just love the smell of Bar-B-Que!

 

by docmike
7-15-07
In first Peter 2:18 God said, "Servants, be subject to your masters; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the evil."
Did you hear that?
Praise the Lord, Brother!
Did you hear that?
We better get the fuck outta here, Brutha!

 

by docmike
7-30-07
Sorry, sir. Your father committed murder and Exodus 34:7 says to punish his children to the third and fourth generation.
Yeah, but doesn't Ezekiel 18:20 say that the son is not responsible for the sins of the father?
Sorry, young man. Your grandfather committed murder and Exodus 34:7 says to punish his children to the third and fourth generation.
Yeah, but wasn't the man he killed working on Sunday and doesn't Exodus 31:15 say he should be put to death?
I hate this job..

 

by docmike
8-08-07
Sorry, I can't let you into the White House. The President says homosexuality is an abomination unto the Lord.
Yeah, but so are lying, cheating, stealing, adultery, pride, wickedness, those who justify wickedness, and women who wear pants.
...
Okay, go ahead... But we never met.

 

by docmike
8-14-07
Numbers 15:32-36
What do you think you're doing? Don't you know it's the Sabbath day?
I was just gathering some sticks to build a fire.
He's an old man, Lord. Just gathering sticks. Can't we let him slide this one time?
No! A rule is a rule, Moses. You'll have to stone him... Stone him to death!
Don't you think that was a little harsh?
Yeah... I guess I'm still pissed off about the apple.

 

by docmike
9-28-07
Leviticus 20:9 For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death.
Okay, Sweetie. Take your clothes off and get into bed with Daddy.
No way, Daddy! I'm not fucking you anymore!
Oh... I wish you hadn't said that, Sweet Pea... According to the Bible, I have to kill you for swearing at me.
Okay, maybe just a blow job.

 

by docmike
10-20-07
The answer is: This prominent Bible figure said, "I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters."
Who is Satan?
Wrong... Brad?
Who is the Jews!
Incorrect... Father Matthew?
Who is Almighty God.
Correct... In Jeremiah 19:9, God turned Jerusalem into a veritable Silence of the Lambs after he found people worshiping other gods. Let that be a lesson to you folks!

 

by docmike
10-30-07
Our forefathers believed in God and that's good enough for me!
They also believed in alchemy, bloodletting, witchcraft, leech therapy, and cure-all elixirs. They believed evil spirits caused diseases and demons caused mental illness.
Uh huh...
Many of them owned slaves and treated women as their personal possessions. Most believed only white men should hold office, own land, and vote!
So... What's your point?

 

by docmike
11-13-07
So you don't believe in evolution?
No... Take the human eye for example. It's so complex and perfect; it could only be created by God.
So what are those things on your face?

 

by docmike
11-20-07
Hey, Ted... What are you doing for Thanksgiving this year?
First, I'll have a nice meal with my neighbors. Then I'll rape and enslave the women, torture and kill the men, and steal all their property and possessions.
Then what?
Then I'll thank God for my good fortune and justify the whole thing by quoting verses from Leviticus, Romans, and Psalms.
Oh, so you're a traditionalist?
Yeah, that's right...

 

by docmike
11-26-07
Bill, you've violated our company internet policy, but I'll let it slide since you seem to frequent Christian websites.
Well, I actually click the Christian ads on my favorite Atheist websites.
What?
Google generates ads based on keywords, so it's a creative way to support the Atheist sites at the expense of the Christian sites! Brilliant, huh?
Mr. Parker, we have an ironclad policy against internet use during business hours. You're fired!

 

by docmike
11-29-07
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny. I give candy to kids and lay chocolate eggs.
Give me a break, Buddy. Kids may believe that crap, but I'm an intelligent adult.
Hi, I'm a visitor from the planet Xenu.
Yeah, right! Only wackos believe in UFOs. I'm an intelligent, sane adult.
Hi, I'm Jesus, the son of God. I was born of a virgin, died for your sins, and rose from the dead after three days.
Praise you Lord!

 

by docmike
12-05-07
In the second book of Kings, Chapter 2, some kids called Elisha "baldy" and God had bears tear the children to shreds!
So if you think about it, you're really getting off easy.
Okay, Father... But please be gentle this time...

 

by docmike
12-07-07
He does exist!
They do exist!
It was just a bad dream, Son. You know they're not real.
Yeah, I know... But when I saw them there with Santa...

 

by docmike
12-19-07
As God commanded, I bound my son to a wooden altar... Now I'm ready to cut his throat, and put fire to him as a burnt offering unto the Lord.
Wait! Stop, Abraham! You don't have to do it... You've been Punked!
What?
Don't you get it? It was all a big joke! Don't you feel foolish? Ha ha... The big guy really got you this time!
Do you really think that was funny, Dad?
Just wait, Junior. One day, this kind of thing will be a big hit!

 

by docmike
1-03-08
According to the New Testament, these were the last words of Jesus Christ before his death.
What is, "Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit."
Correct!
What is, "It is finished."
Right on, Brad!
What is, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"
Amazingly, this is also correct... Judges? Is this some kind of joke?

 

by docmike
1-13-08
We shouldn't fear God... After all, according to 1 John Chapter 4, "God is Love."
You better read Matthew, Luke, Romans, Corinthians, Ephesians, Colossians, Hebrews, Peter, Revelation...
Leviticus, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Samuel, Kings, Chronicles, Nehemiah, Job, Psalm, Proverbs, Ecclesiates, Isaiah, Hosea, Malachi, and Jeremaih!
Let me rephrase that...

 

by docmike
1-19-08
Did you hear, Mike Huckabee wants to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards?
Doesn't that, in itself, prove that our constitution wasn't supposed to be a Christian document?
So why did our forefathers put "In God We Trust" on our money and "One Nation under God" in our pledge?
They didn't. Those things were added in the 1950s by the Eisenhower administration.
...So how do you explain "God Bless America" being sung at the Super Bowl?

 

by docmike
2-06-08
Now that Mike Huckabee is President, I thought I'd bone up on "God's Laws."
How may I help you?
Well, I hear there's a lot of stoning in the Bible... What kinds of things does God prescribe stoning for?
Adultery, cursing, blasphemy, worshiping other gods, disobeying your parents, breaking the Sabbath, and lots more!
Later...
What makes you think our rock business will improve, Son?
Let's just say... "The Lord will Provide."

 

by docmike
2-12-08
I'm against abortion because I'm a Christian, not a baby-killer!
Quote one verse of the Bible that's against abortion or baby killing.
Well... I can't... But why don't you quote a verse that supports abortion or baby killing?
Hosea 13:16 "Samaria shall become desolate...their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up."
Sure, but that's the Old Testament!

 

by docmike
2-26-08
I'm here with Edna Johnson, whose house was completely destroyed by the storm.
That's right, Bob. It's a miracle I survived! God must have a plan for me. Praise the Lord!
But, Edna, I understand your husband, 5 children, and 12 grandchildren died a horrible death...
That's right, Bob. God took them all home to Heaven. Praise the Lord!
You're a fucking genius!

 

by docmike
3-04-08
There's plenty of science in the Bible!
Do you mean talking snakes and donkeys? Fowl and insects with four legs? Bats being classified as birds? Walking on water? The Sun standing still? What?
No, I mean there were dinosaurs living alongside man in the book of Job!
You've got to be kidding, Gerald...
Meanwhile in the boardroom...
I told you we couldn't hide from them forever...
I thought for sure all of that fossil evidence would throw them off, but those Christians are brilliant!

 

by docmike
3-14-08
Just Another Friday Morning at the office...
TZIF, Frank!
Don't you mean TGIF?
No. TZIF means, "Thank Zeus it's Friday."
Most people thank "God" it's Friday.
You pick YOUR mythical figure to thank for things that were going to happen anyway... And I'll pick MINE.
Giddy-Up!

 

by docmike
3-20-08
In the Book of Revelation, St. John tells us that every star will fall down to earth in the end.
But don't we now know that stars are many times larger than the earth and that even one star hitting the earth would obliterate it?
Oh, shit! He's right! I can't just stand here and smile. I'll have to say something to restore his faith...
...Well, first of all, stars where much smaller in Bible times...

 

by docmike
3-26-08
So who do you like, Clinton or Obama?
Oh, I could never vote for Hillary! She's a woman and the Bible says women shouldn't have authority over men.
So you really buy into all that "women should submit to men" stuff?
Yes I do, Mr. Anderson!
Mildred, hold my calls...

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