All comics by evil_d

Profile

 

by evil_d
1-22-01
"I feel like a giant burden on society! I've taken so much . . ."
". . . and given back nothing but complacency and apathy. It's time for me to end it all!"
That's strange; there's no signature . . . .

 

by evil_d
1-22-01
At left, Nagg. At right, Nell.
Can you hear me?
Yes. And you?
Yes. Our hearing hasn't failed.
Our what?
It's actually not that much funnier in context.
Our hearing.
No.

 

by evil_d
1-23-01
I won!
You sure did. Wait, no you didn't.
But my brother says I did!
Never mind your brother. Let's ask several million of the American people!
Never mind the American people. Let's ask five out of nine Supreme Court justices.
Okay, you won.

 

by evil_d
1-24-01
I know you've all heard the joke, and I want to say once and for all that that's not the way it happened!
I go into this hotel and politely ask the innkeeper if he can put me up for the night. No nails whatsoever!
Turns out the innkeeper is this guy named Nietzsche . . . .

 

by evil_d
1-24-01
NO KNIFE THROWN IN AIR LIKE STUPID MAN!! VERY COMMON SENSE YOU ARE!! WINNER!!

 

by evil_d
1-25-01
That's a pretty impressive Human Torch suit you've got there, Jon.
FLAME OFF!
But I think I may have noticed a slight design flaw.
You're kidding me. What?
FLAME ON!
Well, crap.

 

by evil_d
1-25-01
There's been a tough crowd tonight at the Pluto Comedy Club.
...to get to the other side! Heh! Say, why do hummingbirds hum?
But remember, folks, no matter how bad you think a situation is...
...Because they don't know the words! Get it? Hey, what's the difference between an orange? Bwa ha!
It can ALWAYS get worse.
Thanks everyone, you've been a great audience! If you liked the show, tell your friends! I'll be here all week!
Oh no you won't.

 

by evil_d
1-25-01
So Rene Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him, "The usual, Mr. Descartes?"
And Descartes ponders for a moment. Then finally he says, "No, I think not" -- and vanishes!
The Pluto Comedy Club: when you can't find a cane, a scythe will do.
Hey, come back later, folks. The 10:30 show is completely different from the 7:30 show!
You got that right.

 

by evil_d
1-26-01
Pow! Wham! Crak!
Biff! Pow! Sok!
Thwack! Biff! Wham!
Crak! Pow! KER-THACK!
Alright, two out of three.
Bring it on, ya glass-jawed sissy.

 

by evil_d
1-26-01
Eeeek! A monster!
Good lady, you wound me!
Perhaps my appearance is a bit unconventional, but does that make me a monster? Monsters are insidious, freakish, blasphemous, evil, thoughtless blights on the face of the planet!
You can't fool me. I read Jerkcity.
Damn.

 

by evil_d
1-27-01
o/` Boozer, Boozer, I've been thinkin' o/`
o/` What's that stuff that you've been drinkin'? o/`
o/` Is it whiskey? Is it wine? Oh my god, it's turpentine! o/`
Ih clan't glit muh tlung back in muh mouff.

 

by evil_d
1-27-01
Are you a giant, mister? Your head is taller than I am.
It's a question of perspective. As in, someone doesn't have any.
Ouch! Your legs must be bent backwards!
What makes you think I have legs? Ah, never mind, just shut up and give me a Pop-Tart, or a jewel case, or a condom, or whatever the hell those things in your arms are.
And now, the weather... today it's expected to be sunny and warm in the first two and a half feet from the ground, but cold at higher elevations....
Sweet! I'm dressed perfectly!

 

by evil_d
1-29-01
"Don't worry," you said.
"It's not dangerous," you said. "We're completely safe; trust me. The airplane is crossing an enormous lake," you said. "We'll miss those cacti entirely," you said. "Who needs a parachute?" you said.
You cocksucker.

 

by evil_d
1-29-01
Surrender, for all / your base are belong to us. / It's for great justice.
Two hundred letters / cannot convey my sorrow / but can stretch panels.
Jerkcity mindset / So well matched to k1dd13z here / Why am I unused?
I hate religion / but enjoy drugs and gay sex. / Or so one might think.
Continuity / is overrated. Use three / different backgrounds.
Comics worth ten points-- / needles in a gay haystack. / My poor, aching head.

 

by evil_d
1-30-01
Peter... Peter, I can see your house from up here....
Try not to worry about such things, teacher.
Pilate... I can see your house from up here, too.
Is that so, Mr. Christ?
Well, technically, all I can see is a thick cloud of smoke....
Um, I don't suppose there's still time for me to change my mind about this whole crucifying you thing?

 

by evil_d
1-31-01
Folks, this is your captain speaking. You've probably noticed we've been experiencing a bit of turbulence, but I want to assure you it's nothing to worry about.
In fact, I've just been notified that the Grim Reaper himself has been spotted in the passenger captain, but please don't be alarmed. Nobody's going to die.
Well, I mean, we're all going to die, but we don't have to die *now*.
Actually, he's wrong. You all have to die now.
Th1s isn't because I was u5ing a l4pt0p during t4k30ff, 1s 1t?

 

by evil_d
1-31-01
D00d, that was s0m3 pl4n3 cr45h... wh3r3 4m I?
Hello, Jack. Welcome to Hell. I'll be your guide; you may call me Styx. Hah! Get it? Styx?
H3ll? But I n3v3r did anything wr0ng!
According to my notes, you spent most of your short life harassing newbies on IRC and making crappy comics.
I got s3nt to H3ll for mak1ng c0mix about Jesus?
No, for making *bad* comics about Jesus. If every blasphemer ended up here, I'd never get a day off.

 

by evil_d
1-31-01
So th1s is H3ll, huh? What do you guys d0 for fun ar0und h3r3?
Usually, we laugh hysterically as we watch the souls of the damned endure their terrible punishments.
For instance, your first task will be to do several hundred years of tech support for Windows 2000!
D00d, no pr0bl3m! I use Win2K all the t1m3! I wuz study1ng for my MCSE when that pl4n3 crashed.
Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be a worse torture to let them stay on earth.

 

by evil_d
1-31-01
Styx contemplates an appropriate torture for Hax0r Jack.
Alright, maybe we can have you work in AOL's Customer Service department....
R0x0r! Access to c0rp0rate d4t4b4ses! Fr33 acc0unts for my kr3w!
Never mind. I suppose I could make you an IRCop on DALnet....
Aww y34h! Mad Opz for all my h0m13z!
Listen, you shut the fuck up now or you'll be installing Slackware for the next millenium.
-gulp- ...I'll be good.

 

by evil_d
1-31-01
Styx still can't think of a good way to torture Jack.
Okay, maybe we should stay away from punishments that involve technology.
You sur3? I could w0rk at Ion Storm. That Stevie Case... I m34n, I could h3lp m4k3 a Daikatana s3qu3l!
The Neverending Disco... drowning in the Diet Coke Ocean... maybe a conversation with someone who's *really* as smart as he thinks he is.
Y0 d00d, you m1nd if I dr0p by the AOL off1c3s while you're th1nk1ng?
Forget about it. In fact, you see that guy with the rock over there? His name's Sisyphus. Go tell him you're taking his place for a while.

 

by evil_d
1-31-01
I can't help noticing that you're lying down on the job, Styx. Who's your current assignment?
Hax0r Jack, that 12-year-old twit. I had him give Sisyphus a lunch break.
Are you saying a pre-teen is too much for you to handle?
They're the worst! Besides, this is my third hax0r d00d this month! Why should *I* have to put up with all their crap?
Because if you don't, I'll make you a Slashdot author.
See? That threat *works* on *me*!

 

by evil_d
1-31-01
Alright, Jack. It's high time I got you a regular gig.
W3rd, Styx! Guess who ju5t k1ck3d 1t? My gamer pal dethribbon!
yo man. what u doin
Putting myself on the disabled list.

 

by evil_d
1-31-01
Pardon me, sir. I'm with the Secret Service. Can I help you with anything?
No, thank you.
Right. Well... have a nice day, sir.
Sorry for the wait. Here's your limo, Mr. President.
Thanks.

 

by evil_d
2-01-01
Look, darling! Dr. Manhattan is making a speech on the internet.
Good evening, people of the USSR. I am Dr. Manhattan. As you know...
...my recent involvement in a bizarre scientific accident has given me superhuman powers, including the ability to duplicate myself, alter my size, and teleport over great distances...
...as well as foreknowledge of future events. Since then I have officially delcared allegiance to the United States of America, thus turning the tide of our two nations' nuclear standoff.
I come before you today, then, to deliver a message on behalf of the government of my country:
All your missile base are belong to us!

 

by evil_d
2-01-01
Something about me... well, I like to think I'm a bit of a humanitarian. I like to help people plan their future, and -- crap, please tell me I'm not wearing my work clothes right now.
As you can see, I have the superhuman ability to create multiple copies of myself -- theoretically infinitely!
That means two, three, maybe even four times the fun for you... or as many friends as you care to bring along!
The spots on my mask change shape when touched by a beautiful lady. Guess what else changes shape when -- er, size! I meant size....

 

by evil_d
2-02-01
Hey, Stick-man. What happen?
I got this letter from the bank today. They say I'd better pay them soon or they'll repossess all my base. Know how I could make a lot of money fast?
I s'pose you could try selling drugs....
I thought about that, but there's not enough profit in it. The market's flooded -- drugs everywhere you turn!
Well, there's always prayer....
I don't know... me and Jesus aren't exactly on speaking terms, what with him being nailed to that cross, and me being the only one around here with a hammer.

 

by evil_d
2-02-01
The members of the Congressional Cartoon Committee assemble to await evil_d's testimony on the "All your base are belong to us!" meme.
Ah got me a bad feeling about this evil_d character! Ah don't trust 'im! Fact I 'spect he'll be lyin' to us!
How can you say that? You don't know anything about him except his name.
Exactly! He's so mysterious....
Man, running for Congress was the best decision I ever made.
Yee haw! I say we hang the bastard!
This isn't a criminal trial, Mr. Thurmond. Please try to calm down.

 

by evil_d
2-02-01
evil_d begins his testimony before the Congressional Cartoon Committee.
Ladies and gentlemen, I understand fully your concern over this issue, and I'm grateful for the invitation to speak to you about it.
I think you'll find that this whole business has a perfectly reasonable, even humorous, explanation, and -- what's that?
I know bloody well where the microphone is! You try having only one pose, and see how you like it!

 

by evil_d
2-02-01
Meanwhile, back at the Committee Hearing....
If I have the story straight, "All your base are belong to us" was a poor English translation of some originally Japanese dialog in an old NES game.
As far as I know, the phrase gained widespread public attention last year when it was featured on a web site full of similarly bad translations.
This site has since disappeared, but if you run a web search for "zany video game quotes", you'll probably find its former addresses.
Why this phrase in particular became popular, instead of any of the many other humorously bad translations on the site, is anyone's guess. My research didn't suggest anything.
Well tarnation, all this blabberin' ain't helpin' me none! Is 'e pleadin' guilty or not guilty?
I've told you before, Senator Thurmond, this is *not* a criminal trial! And for god's sake, please stop trying to plant that flag everywhere!

 

by evil_d
2-02-01
How do you explain Exhibit A: a pack of cigarettes with the phrase "All your base are belong to us" on it? The Surgeon General's office assures us that they've never issued any such warning.
That's not an actual pack of cigarettes, it's just a picture of one. Some people can work wonders with graphics programs.
And what about the mind-control devices you've been operating -- the ones that cause people to repeat that phrase over and over?
Um... I think you made that up just now.
Well, his story seems airtight to me.
What's that ya say, girl? Ya want a whore ta bite yer knee? Lord amighty, y'all're so confusin' it's no wonder ya been re-elected six times.

 

by evil_d
2-03-01
This ticket has my name on it, is signed by me, and was on the windshield of my car.
I seem to have fined myself $8,000 for various traffic offenses including "no smokes in glove box" and "failure to drive a Ferrari".
Man, police officer is one profession where you really don't want to get drunk on company time.

 

by evil_d
2-04-01
On his way out of the Congressional Cartoon Committee Hearing, evil_d is mobbed by the press.
Mr. D! I'm Jan Brady with QVC News. Is it true you told Congress you could take down the internet in 30 minutes?
Of course not. That's ridiculous, not to mention irrelevant.
How do you feel about President W's threatening to execute you if he wasn't satisfied with your testimony? Do you plan to continue using the phrase "All your base are belong to us"?
I'll keep saying it as long as it's funny, and probably well beyond that just to be sure. As for W, you can tell him to put it to a popular vote.
"Well, there you have it folks! Back to you, Marcia!"
Thanks, Jan. I'm here in Japan, speaking live with one of the original translators of the Zero Wing video game.
What you say? Crazy! Every translation hundred percent good! Graduate America correspondence school! I know what I doing!

 

by evil_d
2-04-01
Photon cannons ready!
Target sighted!
Alright, men! Fire when ready!
This'll teach that little punk to withhold our royalty checks for "A Charge to Keep".

 

by evil_d
2-04-01
Oh, my! Aren't you getting to be very tall!
This just in: some people are taller than others.
So, I guess you'll be starting to drive soon, huh? Wow, I'll make sure to stay inside when you're on the road! Heh!
Yeah, I think you'd better.
I suppose you'll be heading off to college soon! Do you know where you want to go?
Depends, will the clown college give me a discount if I mention your name?

 

by evil_d
2-06-01
C'mon, Hank, I'll give you the grand tour. The verandah is through this way.
Dang, Ted. I knew you was religious and all, but that is one gigantic crucifix.

 

by evil_d
2-06-01
Did you know that....
...all your base are belong to Mrs. Frances Worthington of Urbana, Ohio?
I won it in a contest.
...............................................I'm.blatantly.ripping.off.http://www.goats.com/archive/990712.html?
...there's a lot more to this background than you usually see?
...and, of course, I did it with your mom last night?
She ain't bad for an old lady.

 

by evil_d
2-06-01
There are some important documents in there. I think you'd better give it back to me.
All your briefcase are belong to us!
Come back here! You can't just steal my frilly underwear like that!
All your lace are belong to us!
What'shappened tome?Whycan'tI stoptalkinglikethis?
All your whitespace are belong to us!

 

by evil_d
2-06-01
Honey...? Do you know where I put all my base...?
Though Congress officially concluded its "All your base are belong to us" hearings today, government sources say that covert research into this bewildering meme is ongoing.
I could have sworn I left it around here somewhere.
On the street, crimes connected to the meme have increased. Police report that criminals often recite the phrase, or some variation of it, while committing various illegal acts.
Honey, you didn't let the neigbors borrow it again, did you? ...Honey?
Perhaps the strangest was the severe beating of CBS news anchor Dan Rather by a pair of men who kept repeating it. Witnesses say that Rather's only remark was "God damn, not again."

 

by evil_d
2-08-01
The TV attacks! The TV plays a Gap commercial. You drink a potion of Good Taste and get +5 Dexterity. You attack! You reach for the remote. The TV parries your attack! The TV returns to the program!
The program is a "reality" show! You drink a potion of Common Sense. You realize that reality shows aren't real at all! The TV is stunned! You attack! You pick up the remote. The TV recovers!
The TV casts a spell of Gratuitous Sex! You see vast quantities of bare skin. You are stunned! The TV drinks a potion of healing. The TV attacks! Critical hit!! You get -2 Willpower, -6 Intelligence.
This is really the best part of my day.

 

by evil_d
2-09-01
Jon, quit being a baby and help me bury this radioactive pudding! I promise you, there aren't any reanimated decaying corpses floating around!
Are you paying attention, Jon? I said there aren't many reanimated decaying corpses floating around! Now get over here and help me!

 

by evil_d
2-09-01
Hey, robot, guess what? "This sentence is false!"
DOES NOT COMPUTE
Hah! Gets 'em every time.
So, wait -- is it?
Is what?

 

by evil_d
2-12-01
LUNAR BASE NOT PRESENT AT EXPECTED COORDINATES. LANDING TO INVESTIGATE.
What do you mean, "not present"? Are you saying it's gone? All of it? It couldn't have just gotten up and walked away!
SURFACE DEBRIS INDICATES STRUCTURE WAS REMOVED BY HOSTILE SPECIES.
Are you saying aliens stole our moon base? Those bastards! They can't just run off with it like that! It doesn't belong to them!
SENSORS HAVE LOCATED MESSAGE RECORD IN VICINITY.
They had the nerve to leave a note?? Read it out! Let's hear what those base-stealing aliens have to say for themselves!

 

by evil_d
2-12-01
Yo, that wall never did anything to you.
Augh! It hurts! MTV, why didn't you tell me burning myself would hurt?
Quiet, kid, you're almost done. Now go get some vegetable oil....
So I was nailing this chick the other night....
I know you didn't just say what I think you just said.

 

by evil_d
2-13-01
Y'know, Lord, you an' me got a lot in common.
I think you're right about that, W.
F'r instance, we're both moral, upright men, and we're both authority figures!
Hmm... well, true enough, but that's not what I was thinking of.
What, then?
We both got credit for books we didn't write, and we never would have been anything if not for our fathers.

 

by evil_d
2-13-01
'Course, on the other hand, JC, for all our similiarities, we got a lot of differences, too.
Once again we're in agreement, GW.
Like, I didn't have to be martyred to get my fame and power.
Yeah, and I never killed anyone.
Hey now, I never actually threw any switches....
Oh, and people will still care about me in five years.

 

by evil_d
2-14-01
Hi, Clango. Don't bother talking to me; I can't hear you. I've got a banana in my ear.
Sure, whatever Gabe. Listen, I know you probably don't want to hear this, but Maura wants me to tell you that she's leaving you, for me.
I can't see you too well, either. I have cookies in my eyes.
Heh heh, right. Um, she also asked me to tell you why she's dumping you, which is because of certain, er, difficulties, in, well....
I'd get up and go home, but it's tough to walk with all this celery in my shoes.
Listen, Iron Chef Dreamcast, I got two words for you: spaghetti dick. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a woman to please.

 

by evil_d
2-15-01
Hah! Told you I could do it! I'm walking on water!
Look ma, I'm Jesus! Hell, I'm better than Jesus! Next I think I'll turn this all to wine!
Well, doesn't that just figure.
Let's you and me have a little chat.

 

by evil_d
2-16-01
"'I see,' said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw."
Well, that's the last time I take advice from a clever pun.

 

by evil_d
2-17-01
Alright, let's get this Fight Club thing going! Who's my first opponent?
C'mon now! Step up to get beat down! I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum -- and I'm all out of bubble gum!
Oh, wait... here's some. Right here in my pocket. Heh.
Is this your first night at Fight Club too?

 

by evil_d
2-17-01
Dr. Manhattan and The Nuclear Squirrel had both failed to stop Godzilla's rampage through the city.
To tell you the truth, I'm not sure he even saw me.
I looked into the future and found that it wasn't worth saving.
The Iron Dwarf and Captain Teeth were down for the count.
I don't understand -- I thought I had the perfect camouflage!
I bit down on his spiked tail. Now it hurts to close my mouth.
And that's when I knew we'd need The Wooden Badger!
And this is when *I* know it's time to move to another city.

Showing page 1.

Next »