All comics by FatherChaos

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by FatherChaos
5-24-03
Kyle's House. 4:30 PM.
So, like yesterday, I was on level 16 of the Force Dungeon, and this total n00b comes walzing in taking all the loot.
Yeah, I was on level 18, and some jerk kept shouting commands at everyone, and trying to pawn off his Solarbeam Armor +2. As if....
Seriously. Solarbeam Armor's only good if you're in the Enchanted Riverbed. Otherwise it's a waste to even conceive carrying it on you.
No doubt. I just picked up a suit of Titaniumail +4, and it's absolutely the bomb. I traded my Soul Scepter for it, but I think I ripped him off.
......ever think we'll get lucky with a girl someday?
I doubt it.

 

by FatherChaos
5-24-03
This must be one of those new top-of-the-line PC's I've heard about.
Welcome, potential buyer, I am Series 13981 Personal Computing System.
I operate on a 2.5 GHz processor, and have 512 MB of memory, 120 GB of hard disk space, and can connect to high-speed internet. I excel in all aspects of computer technology.
I think I'll come back and buy you next year. You'll be at least $600 cheaper.
No, you can't afford to wait! Buy me now! Buy me now!

 

by FatherChaos
5-24-03
Kyle's House. 8:30 PM.
Have you tried "smut" yet? S-M-U-T?
YES! I told you, I've searched for EVERY dirty word I could think of, but these parental controls have us locked out tight! We're not going to see any X-rated action.
Man, this is so FRUSTRATING!....You know what? Nevermind. Let's just look for things to get for my kid brother's birthday.
How about a tricycle? T-R-I.....
....Debby's Ultimate Webcam Fisting Frenzy!? How'd that come up?
Dude, Yahoo search rules!

 

by FatherChaos
5-25-03
Why is she always like this? I mean, I try to do something special, and she totally rejects me, like I'm some stranger.
I want to be close, but she pulls back. And she treats me like shit! Well, maybe I should just put a stop to this altogether.
Hi, honey! What's up?
Oh, nothing. Say, you haven't seen the cat around, have you?

 

by FatherChaos
5-25-03
God, what a day.
I got kicked out of my house, my boyfriend left me, my car was stolen, and I'm going to get fired from my job.
Oh, hi Jesus. How's it going?
Man, you wouldn't BELIEVE the day I'm having....

 

by FatherChaos
5-29-03
My life in retail....
Welcome to TechnoShack! Is there something you need?
Yes, I'd like to return something.
Sure. What do you need returned?
This little connector. We live in Bayfield, about twenty minutes from here, and my husband's putting in a satellite system. We had this left over, so I'd like my money back.
.....is there something wrong?
Wrong? Why would you ask that? Just because you wasted $2.45 in gas to return something that costs $1.29. Why would anything be wrong?

 

by FatherChaos
5-29-03
More retail fun....
Welcome to TechnoShack. What can I help you with today?
Hi, I'm Father Simmons from the parish across the way. I need help with my cordless phone I bought here yesterday.
OK, what seems to be the problem?
It doesn't work! I took it home, plugged it in, and let it charge overnight, but it doesn't do anything.
Did you plug the battery in?
Did I what? What battery?

 

by FatherChaos
5-29-03
So, you've completed the application to work here at TechnoShack?
Yeah, here you go. It's got everything.
Now you do realize that you have to be eighteen to work here, and the company is going to do a thorough background check into your police history...
.....in that case, can I have that back?
Oh, great. I wonder how much stuff he's stuffed in his pockets already....

 

by FatherChaos
5-29-03
Well, Mr. District Manager, I hope your visit was worthwhile.
Sure was. Now, let's get down to what needs changed.
With all due respect, sir, I think we shouldn't change anything! We're up 20% over last year's numbers, and one out of every twenty-seven sales has been a wireless phone.
Yes, you're right. However....
Your dollars-per-ticket is $32.50 instead of $33.00 like last month, and you've only sold two satellite systems as opposed to three last month, and....
Jesus Christ, is this guy serious?!

 

by FatherChaos
5-29-03
More fun in retail....
Welcome to TechnoShack. What can I help you with today?
Yeah, hi. I just bought a cell phone not too long ago, and it doesn't work. My son took it with him this weekend to the beach, and after he got back it stopped working.
Wait, he didn't get it wet, did he?
Well, he does like to jet ski.
......where are you going?
Sorry, but I've got a date with a .38 calibre....

 

by FatherChaos
5-30-03
Thanks for calling TechnoShack. What can I help you with today?
Yeah, I've got this doohickey with what looks like a plug in the bottom. What's that for?
....I'm sorry, a doohickey? You'll have to bring it in so I can look at it.
It's round, and it's got this metal thing in the middle. You don't suppose that's for plugging in the wall, do you?
....and they wonder why people go postal....
Maybe it's for connecting to the internet.....

 

by FatherChaos
5-30-03
Based on a true event....
Welcome to TechnoShack. What can I help you with today?
Hi, I was wondering if you had batteries for this?
You've got to be kidding me....
Ever since my husband left, it's been my closest friend, and now it doesn't work. I assumed the batteries are dead. Can you put them in for me?
Lady, I can get you the batteries and ring them up, but there's no way in HELL I'm touching that thing!
Oh, as if you don't know where it's been....

 

by FatherChaos
6-02-03
Dear occupant. You may have already won our grand prize of $10,000,000!
Ten million dollars? But it says here I need to subscribe to like sixteen different magazines....
Well, if I don't win the grand prize, at least I'll have enough porn to last me until 2086.

 

by FatherChaos
6-02-03
American slang....
Hey, Jesus. What're you doing?
Just hanging out....
Yo, Mike! What're you doing?
Just chillin.....
Diablo! How are you today?
Go to Hell....

 

by FatherChaos
6-21-03
So, like the other day? Like, I went to my boyfriend's house, and like....
Would you just SHUT THE FUCK UP?!
I'm so sick of you! All you do is talk about your materialistic bullshit day in and day out, and I could care less about anything in your life! So just....just SHUT UP!
.....so, like I was at my boyfriend's house, and he has this....
What I wouldn't give for a .45 magnum right now....

 

by FatherChaos
6-21-03
Hello, and welcome to Technoshack! What can I help you with today?
Yes, I was wondering if you had those little weather radios with the push-down tab button?
I'm sorry, but that item has been discontinued. We're not....
You know the one? It's just the radio, and it has a button that you can hold down, or it holds itself down to hear the weather channel?
I really want that kind of weather radio. You can sell me one, right?
I can sell you a knuckle sandwich you old battleaxe! Didn't you hear what I just said?

 

by FatherChaos
6-21-03
This happened to me today....
Welcome to Technoshack! What I can I get you today?
Yeah I need a phone-line splitter. See, I've got a computer and a phone, and I need both of them on the same line.
Sir, you don't need a splitter. Your modem already has a port so you can plug the phone line into it, and then plug the modem to the wall. I'll save you from wasting your money on a $6 coupler.
.....I think I know what you're talking about, but I'll buy a splitter. Just in case.
Christ, you brain-dead fuck! What, you think I'm LYING to you? You're such a moron....

 

by FatherChaos
6-22-03
Kyle's house. 11:30 AM.
Dude, where the HELL have you been? I've been trying to call for the last three days!
I've finally done it, Doug. It's finished. Completed. Done.
What's that?
I've been playing Dragon Adventures for almost three months solid. I beat the hardest end boss in the whole game. I am THE MAN.
When was the last time sunlight ACTUALLY touched your skin?
.....sometime last October, I think.

 

by FatherChaos
6-22-03
I'm telling you this is NOT how this is supposed to work! You guys should have something that can fix this thing, and I want it now!
As I've said before sir, we don't have that kind of merchandise anymore. We're downsizing our inventory to make room for new products.
TechnoShack has always provided replacement parts and accessories to fix things up. Now find it!
Here, have my name tag.
What's this for?
Obviously you know my job better than I do, so YOU take over. We close at 8:00. Don't forget to lock the back door.

 

by FatherChaos
6-22-03
Hi. You're HotChick23, right?
You're.....StudHero?
Yes. Excuse me, but I'm diabetic, so I have to get this quick snack in before we go anywhere.
....
....something wrong?
Well, let's see.....you're overweight, have health issues, and aren't NEARLY as attractive as you made yourself to be. You should change your SN to "DumboLoser."

 

by FatherChaos
6-22-03
If you've been in a relationship for six months, or four months, or two months, or even five weeks, you've done a lot of growing in that time. Men are basically hunters and gatherers, and women...
She's talking again......it's really bugging me. She's talking again.....about biology. She's talking, and talking talking, talking and talking and talking.
I've never really had anything traumatic happen in my life.....no, actually I did. When I was fourteen years old I fell off this horse, and got this thing called an "anal hematoma." So disgusting...
I'm gonna' go insane! I'm in horrific pain! I need some novacaine! I'm going crazy, 'cause she's talking and talking, talking, talking and talking and talking....
I don't know, it seems like I've been dominating the conversation mostly, but you're just so easy to talk to. I mean, I'm really looking forward to spending a lot of time with you in the future....
I don't care about a word you say! You already told this story anyway! I'm gonna get a .38 and blow myself away! Because you're talking!!

 

by FatherChaos
6-22-03
Hey there, purty gurl! How's it goin'?
Crap. Guess I should talk to him, just to be polite.
You know this one time, I balanced a can of Budweiser on my head for three minutes! Jimbob bet me $50 I couldn't.
Christ. How much longer am I gonna' have to bear this?
...and then afterwards, she tells me she's my first cousin! Imagine my embarassment.
Isn't it against the law to be THIS inbred and stupid?

 

by FatherChaos
6-22-03
Hi. I need a 12-volt battery that's shaped like a cylinder. Got one of those?
I'm sure we do. Let me find one.
It's for my cat here. I need it for its electric shock collar.
Sir, I normally don't make it a point to get involved with the transactions I make....
But you and I both know shock collars take 6-volt batteries. If you've got some cat-vibrator fetish, take it to another store. PLEASE.

 

by FatherChaos
6-22-03
I've heard this psychic hotline is the best, and I want to know what the future holds in store for me.
You're right, we are the best. Now if you just verify your credit card information, and secure the $29.95 payment, we can get started.
Done. So how do things look?
Let's see......I'm getting something here....
Yes? What is it?
I forsee that you're a gullible moron, and severe financial losses are definite.

 

by FatherChaos
6-23-03
Hello, and welcome to St. Peter's Cathedral. What can I do for you today?
OK, cut the "churchy" crap. I'm here to set the record straight on Christianity.
Oh?
See, I think you people have it all wrong. You're not giving people a chance to really make up their own minds about Jesus, and God, and soforth. You're forcing information on them.
....I don't understand what you're talking about. Here, this pamphlet might clear up your questions.
AHA! Caught you red handed, you sick, twisted jerk! No way in HELL I'm falling for that so easily!

 

by FatherChaos
6-23-03
If you just read through the brochure, I'm certain it will....
....tell me everything? Like Jesus in my savior, God is all powerful, blah blah blah....
But that's what Christianity is all about! The love of Jesus and what he can do for our lives.
Sure. Right. Jesus is all loving and understanding. I get it.
Guess this would be the safest place if you were a repeat sodomy offender.

 

by FatherChaos
6-23-03
Son, I realize you may have some reservations against the church, and that's why I'm here. I want to hear what you have to say.
OK, I'll start with a very difficult question. Tell me what good this faith has done for the world.
Why, that's easy! We've brought the light of Christ into the lives of countless millions of people.
To places like Vietnam, and countries in Africa and South America.
That's right.
And you REALLY believe these people give a flying fuck about Jesus? Man, I should start my own religion....

 

by FatherChaos
6-23-03
Sir, your concerns about this religion are frightening me! I don't understand why you're talking to me.
OK, I'll just come out and say it. I think you're all a bunch of liars and fakes.
What do you mean?
Basically, you pretend to be all understanding and loving, and preaching this stuff to people, but you're even more sinful than those you're teaching it to.
It's basically like Bill Clinton telling everyone he doesn't smoke pot or have extramarital relationships.

 

by FatherChaos
6-23-03
What other issues would you like to discuss?
Also, I think you're "not for profit" pitch is a load of crap. I mean, look at this place!
Brand new fireplace, oak staircase, stain-proof carpetting, and those expensive candles you get and Wicks 'n Sticks.
A house of God must look in good order to please Him.
If I could collect money for people's "good will" and build a place out of it, I'd have a ten-story mansion with a jacuzzi.

 

by FatherChaos
6-23-03
Sir, you just don't understand our faith. You've come seeking answers, I know you have.
I have the answers, "Father." I'm giving them to you.
Oh, really? Well, go right ahead. I'm dying to hear you.
Church is a form of mind control, and has been for centuries. It's a secret government hidden behind a visage of good-will.
You've been watching the X-Files too much.
You've used fear and threats of Hell to get your way for years. And I'm putting a stop to it.

 

by FatherChaos
6-23-03
And how do you plan on stopping us?
Simple. I prove everything you've taught here is wrong.
Oh, and how do you propose to do that?
Simple. Modern day science.
This will prove that Jesus wasn't white, angels are make-believe, and God is the American government.

 

by FatherChaos
6-23-03
Life is like a video role-playing game.
You start out small and weak, but you grow to be stronger and stronger over time.
Then a credit agency comes along and erases your memory card.

 

by FatherChaos
6-23-03
Oh, isn't he just precious. What's his name?
Len. I named him after Len Roberts, the CEO of RadioShack.
Len Roberts? Why?
He's real particular about brands of merchandise. Even at his early age.
How do you mean?
Well, the first time I tried to give him a Binky pacifier, he spat it out, threw it in my face, and gave me the finger.

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