All comics by Frozenfire

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
My name is Dan and I own this comic.
I'm Scott. I'm friends with Dan.
I'm Matt. Have sex with me.
I'm Brian. I have a bench.
I'm Tyler. And that's a monkey.
Why the fuck am I holding a banana?

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
I'm Alex. Who the fuck knows why I'm a stick figure.
Shut up. I cant get cool pictures for everyone.
RARRRR. LAZARUS WILL A-SEX YOU.
That's Lazarus. Don't-ask.
I'm Jessica. Dan and I.. well.. we'll let you figure that out for yourself.
Now on with the comics!

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
This is a pretty sweet set-up you have in your room, Matt.
Yeah. Right now I'm sharing my deepest sex fantasies with some hot chick from Flordia.. she's getting pretty turned on.
Does her screen-name happen to be 'Mandy69'?
Umm.. how did you...
Christ. Whipped cream and pandas? and I thought I was a sick bastard.
I am going to kill your sorry ass.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Hmmm...
Yo, Alex. Whatcha doin?
I'm building a house, and... oh, God!
Christ, what are you doing? You've hammered nails in both our skulls!
And since Alex and Dan are lazy bastards, they died and went to hell.
Hee hee...
... Monkey.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
So this is the legendary 'Hell'?
Huh. It's not as bad as we thought. These demon chicks are hot. But hey.. whats over there?
It'z gettin hot in hell, so take off all ya clothes!!
*Hic* I am, I am so hot, I wanna take my clooothes off.. *Hic*
Oh, God...!
Hell is a GIANT KARAOKE BAR?!?

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Alex, we'd better split up. We need to find a way out of hell.
Alright. I'm gonna go pick up some demon ladies.
What the...?
Greetings, my child.
You know, I always suspected...
Three days, he said. Just THREE DAYS, that's all! Man, that is the LAST time I trust Satan.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
So... Jesus Christ.
Yes, my son?
Oh, nothing. I was just swearing.
Jesus Christ....! Hee Hee!!!
I hate you people so much.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Look Jesus, I've got no beef with you. I don't mean to piss you off.
Don't you realize the sacrifices I've made for you?
Well, yeah. You're born, I get presents. You die, I get candy. It's a pretty genius plan.
.....
That was the wrong thing to say, wasn't it?
Damn. You really do deserve to be in hell.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Well, Catch ya later Jesus. I gotta find a way out of hell. Don't go dying for anyones sins without me or nothing.
Peace.
I wonder you get out of here... and, uh, more importantly...
Who the fuck are you?
I'm Taylor.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
So, Taylor... how did you get here?
It's weird. I was playing Resident Evil, when this zombie actually comes out of my T.V. and kills me.
Wait.. you play Resident Evil?
Yeah. I'm the master, don't fuck with me.
You're coming out of hell with us.
I don't know. These demon chicks have some nice bodies.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Well, come on Taylor. We need to find Alex, and a way out of here.
What, you mean like a quest?
No, like your mom, bitch.
Fuck you.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
So then the bartender says, "That's not a duck!" Hee hee!!!
Oh, wow.. you're so.. funny! Come on, silly goose! Let's get a room.
Silly goose... what? Don't tell me...
What? Come on, I've got a hard-on! Let's go before it wears off!
Oh God! You're a GUY?!?
I thought that the bar playing the Village People would clue you in. You've got the vaseline, right?

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Just pretend Taylor's off to the left...
Shhh, quiet.. what am I hearing?
Oh, God..! It hurts.. it hurts!!
Alex, what in the hell?
Help... they raped me and then shoved me in this trash can...
You got ass rammed? Hahaha!
Oh... if I hear YMCA one more time, I'm going to commit suicide.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Who the hell are these people? God... It's been so long since I've killed a zombie.. so long.
Don't worry, Alex. I've thought of a plan to get us out of here.
We're going to keep travelling until you reach Satan and beg him to release us?
...Well, actually, I was going to find Jesus again and poke him with a big stick, but yeah, that'll do.
My hero.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
INTERMISSION
Hey, kids! Tyler Stewart says: Suck my cock!
We now return you to your regularly scheduled comic, already in progress.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Hey, are you Satan? I need to have a word with you?
What do you want?
First off, nice job. Tricking Jesus into eternal torment.. that should teach the arrogant bastard a thing or two.
Why, thank you. It was one of my better ideas.
Look, I'll be blunt. Is there a way I can get out of here?
If you pass the trials, you shall be set free.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Trials? Okay, lay it on me.
There are three trials. The first is to beat me in a game of Warcraft III.
Once again, pretend there's a pit of boiling lava in the background. Just work with me here.
Give me a cable line and a nice computer, and I'm there.
w00t! Suck it, Satan! I just totally owned your army!
Damn him! He's passed the first trial...
You have been owned. Good day.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Okay, so I just whipped your ass. What's the second trial?
To beat me in battle.
So be it! Yivneh-Altimus-BLAZION!!!
AHHHHH!
Wow. Those Black Magick classes really came in handy.
Bastard.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Just one more trial left. What are you going to throw at me?
You must perform the most disgusting act you can think of.
Well, that would probably be.. sweaty sex with a man-beast.
Hey, wait a second...
Alex already has that covered!
I hate you all.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
We get out of Hell! We get out of hell!
Yes, yes... so be it. You're free to leave.
Ahh... great to be home. I'm going to go destroy the undead now.
Hey, my ass doesn't hurt anymore...
The end!
God, why is this nail still in my head? It hurts like a fuck.
Because I hate you so much.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Fuck.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Well, this really blows...
What is? That we, the two most powerful entities in the universe, have been poked fun of and haven't been taken seriously anomore?
That the eternal war between good and evil is no longer seen as a metaphor for human existence, but is believed to be trite and boring, suitable only for the plot of a Saturday morning cartoon?
No, that I'm nailed to a fucking cross, asshole. What the fuck are you babbling about?
Oh... sorry.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Drugs are Bad!
That's right! If you do drugs, you're a loser! Nobody will love you... and you'll be sexually inadequate...
Wait a second. So Jimmi Hendrix was a loser? Kurt Cobain? The countless number of musicians who died but created some great art in the process?
What about them?

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Hey, I'm Dan. I'm here to fix the cable.
Great! The TV's in the living room. My girlfriend and I will be in the shower.
Ummm.. alright. I'll just .. hey, wait a minute!
Oh dear, I dropped the soap! Dan, could you come in here and wash my breasts?
I'm in a porno, aren't I?
And how!

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Somewhere around Area 51....
I bring you peace and love, much like the aliens in Close Encounters.
My god! I've waited my whole lifetime for this moment!
That's close enough, bitch! Hand over the wallet!
What the fuck? Damn! Alright, here! Take it
I hate it when this shit happens.

 

by Frozenfire
12-07-02
Christ, Joey! Are you fuckin' retarded? (Hahahahahahaha!)
Make one more smartass remark, Chandler, and I swear to God I'll fuckin' cap your ass! (Hahahahahahaha!)
*BLAM!* Fuck me! I just shot Ross!
"Friends" probably shouldn't try to compete with "The Sopranos".

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
What are you doing now, Alex?
I'm building a robot to serve us.
Just make sure you don't nail yourself in the head. Otherwise you might get butt probed again.
Shut up. He's nearly done.
What the hell?
RARRR! LAZARUS WILL CORNHOLE YOU!

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
Let me get this straight. You programmed this robot to actually nail people in the ass?
It's brilliant! Now I can get revenge on everyone who made fun of me for hitting on a gay demon!
What makes you any different? What program did you put in to keep you safe?
Program..? Safe...? Oh, FUCK!
AHHHHH!
BEND OVER, BITCH.

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
Are you going to put it on for me?
You know how I feel about wearing it.
Fine. No costume, no sex.
Bah. Fine, have it your way.
That's what I'm talking about. C'mere, you sexy clown.
I feel like an idiot.

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
Look, bitch. Since Alex made you to help us out, I might as well make you useful. Ok, heres how it's gonna go down, bitch. I'll pretend to buy some smokes.
Then I'm gonna whip out my glock. That's when you pull out the A-K and keep the rest of the people in the store covered. Anybody moves and you smoke 'em. That's when I make my move. Any questions?
Well, yeah. Just one. Can't we just pay for the candy bar instead?
Christ, Lazarus. You are such a fucking pussy.

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
The first rule of Fight Club is that you do not talk about Fight Club.
You just did.
That doesn't count.
Why not?
Look, just shut the fuck up.
This club sounds pretty gay.

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
Zoinks! It looks like the zombie took off! But his footprints lead down into that abandoned mineshaft. What are we gonna do, Fred?
Let's split up. Shaggy, you and Scooby go check out the mine. Daphne, Velma and I are gonna go back to the van and look for clues. Yeah, that's it. Clues.
Now, ladies. Where were we?
Oh, Freddy. You clever bastard.

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
This is Dan Rathers and I'm reporting to you live from the 100 Acre Wood, the scene of last night's tragedy. With me right now is Eeyore.
You were an eyewitness to the entire scene, Eeyore. Can you tell us what happened?
Well, Pooh was off on some hairbrained scheme to fly to China on a kite when he trampled some of Rabbit's new rose bushes. Rabbit finally snapped and beat Pooh to his bloody death with a honey pot.
Absolutely shocking...
Then he really freaked out. Last I saw he was ready to torch the whole neighborhood. I think that's when the SWAT team took him down.

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
So... you're Death, huh?
Last time I checked, yeah.
So, um... could you tell me how I'm going to die? And when?
I really don't think you want to know that.
C'mon. I can take it.
Well, I wouldn't worry about renewing your gym membership and you might want to stay away from the walrus cage at the zoo.

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
Doctor, this is kind of embarrassing, but my dick has turned bright orange. I think it needs help
Well, drop those trousers and let's have a look.
And so Matt dropped his pants.
So, what do you think it is?
Hmm... out of curiousity, what were you doing this afternoon?
Eating Cheetos and watching porn. Why?
I think I've got it.

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
I just got another death threat! I don't even know these fucking people. What the hell is their problem?
Who's the idiot this time?
Timothy McLemin.
Oh, him. That's probably 'cause I slept with his wife and then called him up and told him I was you.
Thanks a lot, assmunch. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?
Were you aware that you're wanted in Oklahoma for assaulting a shopkeeper with a giant dildo?

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
Hey Dan, you've been writing a lot of comics lately. What's up? How do you do it?
One word, my friend. Tits.
What's that supposed to mean? Every time you get laid, does it inspire you to write new comics?
No. I just like to say the word tits.
...So just how much glue to you have to sniff to reach your level of enlightenment?
I'm not sure. I ran out last Thursday and I've been buzzing on kitchen cleaner instead.

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
Hey, Taylor... I thought you were collecting money for the starving children. Why are you here?
Eh, I pussed out and decided to get drunk and stoned instead.
Gee, that's too bad. Do you have to give back all the donations now?
I can't. I spent them all on the beer and weed.
You're going to hell, you know.
Hey, if backing over that kid in the wheelchair with my truck didn't phase me, this sure as hell won't.

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
Scott lives in Mississippi now, but in my comics he will always be with us here. Wherever the fuck 'here' is.
Mississippi sucks. It's like one giant ghetto.
He's coming back for the summer. He's crashing with me for a few days.
What are we going to do?
Well, hell. I don't know. We'll go out, get drunk, and find some cute sluts.
God bless us, everyone!

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
Hey, it's Brian! Where the fuck have you been, man? You've been gone forever!
In jail. I was arrested for molesting an elephant.
Hahah! Good one!
Yeah. Ha ha.
... So then he says, "Why don't I buy you a drink?"
You can never trust those guys...

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
Brian, you should get back to my place. We're all playing Animal Crossing...
Animal Crossing? I'm in!
Meanwhile, Roni plans an evil plot in her room...
Hehehe... I'll show them all for dissing me! I'll turn off EVERY SINGLE CUBE!! HAHAHAH!!!!
I just felt a disturbance in The Force...
This can't be good.. we should warn the others.

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
We got here as fast as we could!
Oh, God! We're too late! I can't look!
*sob*... She came.. and she... she...
She turned them all off! Just after we got the rare items!
I.. can't... go on! Goodbye, cruel world!
Hahahah! Feel the suffering!

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
We don't like you, Roni.
Yeah, you really suck. You're ugly.
You've been shot by an ugly gun.
You've been stabbed by an ugly knife.
You fell down the mighty redwood ugly trees...
... and hit all the branches on the way down.

 

by Frozenfire
12-08-02
This abandoned city is pretty creepy...
Relax. I've been here four times. Pick up that ammo over by the tree.
Why should I pick up the ammo?
Because a flesh-eating creature of the undead is about to attack you.
How is he always right?
Braaaaains...

 

by Frozenfire
12-09-02
Come on, Dan! Let's have some wild monkey sex!
Not now, Roni. I'm busy. Besides, you're ugly.
Go try Matt.
Come on, Matt! Let's have some wild monkey sex!
Not now, Roni. I'm busy. Besides, you're ugly.

 

by Frozenfire
12-09-02
Kids, today Taylor and I would like to entertain you with a puppet show.
Get the puppets ready, Matt. Lights, please.
I'm a police officer! I help people and make sure people obey the law!
Rarrr! I'm a pirate! I kill people and steal their treasure!
The moral of our story...? Who the fuck knows?
Ummm... don't do drugs! Rarrr!

 

by Frozenfire
12-29-02
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets it's wings.
That's right! Be sure to ring a bell once a day!
But what they don't tell you is that every time you swear, an angel gets set on fire.
What?!
FUCK!
AAAAHHHH!!!

 

by Frozenfire
2-17-03
Check it out, Brian! I'm He-man!
No, you're not.
.....
You just took a marker, drew an H on your chest, and took your pants off
My pants are off!
That's not all that's off.

 

by Frozenfire
2-17-03
It's been awhile since I've made comics - therefore, I should introduce to you a new great friend of mine. Brendan.
w|-|4ts up?
Brendan is really cool - but theres one thing we think you should know.
It's about why I look like a fucking hippy stoner.
Brendan looks nothing like this. I can only use so many characters, and it was either this or a dancing clown.
Dag, yo.

 

by Frozenfire
2-17-03
Yet another new character - Gina.
'Sup?
Gina's been stabbed with an ugly knife, shot with an ugly gun, and strangled with some ugly rope.
Ha, hah. This is the part where you say "Just kidding, Gina."
That wasn't in the script.
I hate you, Dan.

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