All comics by cow22boy

 

by cow22boy
7-18-06
Babe, you really should lay off the beer. You're getting a little out of shape.
Don't talk to me!
Babe, do you really need that sixth piece of pie?
I ate cauliflower all day! Leave me alone you annoying little fudge-packer!
Damn, girl! I saw you from across the courtyard and you looking fine! Me and my lesbi-wife would like to invite you to sandwich town.
Mmmm . . . sandwich.

 

by cow22boy
7-18-06
Hey. What's new in Julia town? Did you get that puss-filled wart-like thing on your labia popped?
Nevermind about that. What the hell is going on?
Oh, I tried to make a protein shake in a water bottle but the lid didn't fit well. So, when I shook it up it spewed all over the kitchen floor. I was goint to clean it up, but I got a migraine.
No. I mean why is there a kangaroo with a gun to your back?
Oh, that . . . look, it's kind of a long story . . . but if you ever get the urge to put used Q-tips in a kangaroo's pouch, try to resist. Because they hate that!

 

by cow22boy
7-19-06
Hey, Rachel. You and Matt should really move down here - errrr - Damn it! This only happens when you are here!
Oh, my! It's another one of those creepy begging-type-dudes!
Please, leave me alone! I don't have any spare fish heads to feed you. And I don't have any old cigarette butts for you to chew on!
Man, lady. You really don't know much about homeless people. I'm just a normal person just like you. Except I don't have a home.
Gee. I'm sorry. I guess I judged too fast. I learned something today. Something that will make me a better person.
Good. I'm glad that's settled. Now, do have any used tampons I could bundle up to make a pillow out of?

 

by cow22boy
7-19-06
Ray, your mom is so intrusive . . . I don't like that Raymond . . . Ray gets everything . . . holy crap . . . hey jelly bean . . .
How the hell can you watch that show? It is so anoying! I can't believe you still think this crap is funny. It's tired and played out!
Now that's entertainment!
She ate and than left . . . she ate and then left? . . . Yeah, she ate and then left . . . She's an eater and a leaver . . . Se's an eater-leaver!

 

by cow22boy
7-19-06
Hello, Sir. I have a delivery for you.
Yes! My pain pills are here! What a glorious day!
Alright baldy! Hand 'em over.
What the? Hey, these are mine! What do you want them for?
They make sorting mail fun!
Awwwww! I want to sort mail on pain pills!

 

by cow22boy
7-19-06
Yeah, so, what we'll do is walk through the walls all creepy like. Maybe some moaning and groaning. Maybe some click-click sounding language. You know typical alien stuff you hear about.
Good. And the anal probe? What will you use for that. I want is rectum to be screaming.
The old trademark Anal stretcher 2000. It comes in a few different sizes depending on the specific anus. We had to use the 36 Special for Oprah. Man, that was some day!
Good. 36 Special sounds about what I want. And I don't want you to use any lube either. I want friction. Lots and lots of friction. I want to see sparks flying from the edges of his corn hole.
Hey, you're the customer. Say, if you don't mind me asking, what's your beef with this fella anyway?
He left weights in the hallway.

 

by cow22boy
7-19-06
Ryan. OH! my beloved Ryan. I have been lying to you for oh so long. I have anither identity. I am not who you think I am!
Tell me Julia! Tell me your secret!
My real name is Sonia the Ninja Master! Each night I change into my super hero clothes and reap vengence on the injustices of the world! That time I spilled my dinner plate was just to throw you off!
Oh, my! I've been hiding a secret as well. And now, I must be as open to you as you have been with me!
Go ahead and tell me, Ryan. You can trust me with your secret.
O.K. Here goes. Sometimes when we have Lortab, I keep some for myself. Oh, also sometimes I don't wipe. I know I should, but it's like, you gotta shift and then, did you get it all? It's a pain.

 

by cow22boy
7-21-06
Oh, awesome! I frickin' love this show. Tadow! Tadow! Awe, yeah! Tadow, muafukka!
Arthur! Get your hands out of my Tacos! . . . Athur! Quit missing the toilet! . . . Arthur! Why is there a dead cat in the fridge?
Arghh! Move out! It's not your house! It's not your fridge! . . . That's it, I'm changing the channel.
Jerry, can I borrow 20 dolars? . . . Do you mind if we split the tab? . . . Why do I have to pay? You were going there anyway?
Arghh! Get a job you frickin' bald loser! Shut up! . . . I can't watch this either! I'm changing it!
Hello, Dear. I saw this book on how to breath correctly and I thought of you . . .

 

by cow22boy
7-21-06
Hmmm . . . who was Julia Robert's character in Steel Magnolias?
Where do I know that "Loving you is easy because you're beautiful" song from?
Oh, God! I'm getting so old! My memory is so bad! . . . Wait a minute! What was I just talking about? What's my name?! What's happening to me!?
Hmmm . . . this guy who refers to himself as a Pumpsie of some sort says he is worried about me and that I should get my mind off of this by doing somthing constructive.
I guess I'll hang my watcha-mi-callit plant up so it can get more . . . wait a minute . . . what was I going to do with this hammer and nail?
Oh, no! That's not it! That's not it at all!

 

by cow22boy
7-21-06
Hey, Matt. Do you want something to eat?
Mmmm . . . you know . . . . I can't really enjoy food if I know I'm going to have to chew.
Uh, o.k. Would you like to watch tv?
Uhhh . . . actually . . . I can't really enjoy tv if I have to look at stuff.
Well, what Well, do you want to have sex?
Mmmm . . . actually . . . I can't really enjoy sex if I know my body's gonna have to send so much blood to my penis and testicles and that I'm going to have to thrust repeatedly.

 

by cow22boy
7-21-06
Hey what's shakin nibs? Did you figure out what that bug that crawled out of you cootchy was?
Nevermind that. I picked us up a chick to have a threeway with. She's more than willing.
Suweet. What does she look like?
She's not any uglier than the ugliest girl you've been with before. Plus she's pretty much diposable. When we're done with her, we can just flush her down the toilet.
Oh, no it's just Erica, again!
Hey, big boy . . . cough cough . . . I brought some friends with me. Their called crab lice . . . cough cough . . . Hey, you guys got any chaffing salve? My genitals are raw, let me tell you.

 

by cow22boy
7-21-06
Oh, Brad. Sometimes it's just so hard being poor.
I know what you mean. We've all have money problems sometimes.
Yeah, I mean, yesterday I had to eat the shells from an egg and . . . wait . . . did you say you know what it's like to have money problems?
Yeah, the other day, someone chipped the paint on my car and the dealership was closed and no matter how much money I offered the locked door it refused to open. Now, that's a real bummer.
Are you chewing caviar right now?
Luckily, though I found a cop and offered him ten grand to shatter the glass on the front door. Sometimes you have to be resourceful . . . you know . . . when you're having money problems and such.

 

by cow22boy
7-21-06
. . . and I want the Cowboys to win ten straight super bowls . . . I want the sooners in the national championship . . . I want Julia to have double-Ds . . . Ooo, you know how coke has calories in it?
Listen, I, -
. . . Oh, and I want my cat to be able to do dishes . . . and I want my poo to smell like cake frosting . . . and I don't ever want to have to wipe again . . .
Hey, listen, I-
I also want that fabric noise that really bothers me to not exist . . . and you know that other fabric noise that really bothers Julia? I want it to make that noise every time the wind blows!
LISTEN! I keep trying to tell you. I don't have to bargain for your soul . . . I mean, dude, you don't go to Church . . . you might as well be setting infants on fire.

 

by cow22boy
12-13-06
Hi, Ryan! How 'bout I crawl into your mouth and take a big crap?
No thanks, Mr Cigarette. I'm a non smoker, now.
Arghh! You can't quit me! I will get you!
No way, man! I'm into health, now! Didn't you see that green shit I'm drinking? I'm all about the health!
How 'bout a beer?
Hell, ya!

 

by cow22boy
12-13-06
Honestly, I don't know why they don't just change the name of this thing to Santa Day.
Hey, c'mon. You're . . . you're doin' good.
Oh, please. Even atheists are celebrating this holiday now. It's gotten pretty ridiculous. Everyone's so materialistic. they've really forgotten the true meaning.

 

by cow22boy
12-18-06
Honestly, I don't know why they don't just change the name of this thing to Santa Day.
Hey, c'mon. You're . . . you're doin' good.
Oh, please. Even atheists are celebrating this holiday now. It's gotten pretty ridiculous. Everyone's so materialistic. they've really forgotten the true meaning.
Well, what about you? I hear all those football players thanking your after they win the Super Bowl.
I know! I shouldn't mettle but I just love the Patriots! Although, last year I let the Steelers win just to make it look legit.
Hey, by the way. Why does everyone use the cross as a symbol for Christian faith? Isn't that kind of morbid? Isn't that pretty much the same as worshipping the electric chair?

 

by cow22boy
12-18-06
Stop it, Eli! You know that hurts mommy's feelings. I guess we're going to have to double up our sessions with Dr. Freedmansonstein.
Grrrrrrrr . . . .
We're never going to have the kind of relationship we both yearn for if you keep giving in to these desperate animal impulses!
Now put on some pants and your human man wig and come spoon with me.
Grrrrrrrr . . . .

 

by cow22boy
12-18-06
The landlord said they were going to raise our rent to $1075 per month!
Waaaaaaaaaaa? That's outrageous!
They also said that they were going to increase our pet rent to $75 per month.
This is worse than that time I was a pig and you were a nun!
I can't do that, it goes against my vows.
C'mon baby, you haven't has a side of sausage until you've had sausage on your side.

 

by cow22boy
12-18-06
Look, all I'm saying is that if you killed Julia, then, you and I could be together.
And then, there would be nothing standing in our way. I could play with your nuts and you could play with mine. It would be the perfect symbiotic relationship.
What about Gypsie and Bogart? Huh? Did you ever think about them? What about the witnesses?
Three words: Tylenol and Tuna. Geez. Do I have to do all of the planning? I'm starting to wonder why I keep you around. Oh, yeah, that sweet ass. Slide over here. I want to show you something.

 

by cow22boy
12-18-06
Welcome to our planet, Akbar.
Well, thank you, Julia. It is an honor to make your acquaintance.
Akbar, do the people from your planet have last names?
Yes, but the people of my planet are all endowed with three tongues. So it is impossible for humans to pronounce. It must be spelled. It is spelled Zxver7yetr9idoiztambule.
"Petersage."
Wow! You are really good at pronouncing last names.

 

by cow22boy
12-18-06
Hey, Todd.
Hey, Carmichael. Hey, say this backwards: "Mr. Owl ate my metal worm"
"Mr owl ate my metal worm." Holy crap! It's the same forward as backward. It's a palindrome!
Hey, why did you look over to the side when you said it?
Hmmm. That was weird. Instead of looking at you and saying it, I looked away. Very strange.
I think you have Julia-hyper-keriosis-charmichaelmensenman

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