All comics by vralia

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by vralia
12-23-02
We join Darryl, our somewhat confused hero, just as he is finishing hanging his Christmas decorations.
Yippee! Finally done with that ole Christmas tree. Time for some holly jolly eggnog!
But suddenly, just as Darryl was about to grab his eggnog, the weight of his actions fell upon his shoulders like a 30-pound garbage bag filled with Hearty Beef Vegetable Soup.
Why have I succumbed to such commercialstic desires?
Feeling more alone in the world than a small foz whose parents had been eaten by park rangers, Darryl left his three-room apartment to find the true meaning of Christmas.
...and what does that Santa guy have to do with anything?

 

by vralia
12-23-02
Suddenly, out on the lonesome dark alley, Darryl met a very suspicious looking fellow.
Holy Jesus, he is real! I hope he didn't hear that comment from the previous strip!
Can I help you there, young man? Ho Ho Ho!
Darryl is nervous, but works up the courage to ask the red-robed man a pressing question that has plauged him since youth.
Are you Santa Claus, Father of Christmas?
No, fucker. I'm just the hired help. Here, let me take off my costume.
Okay...this is officially fucked up now.
The Santa thing just sells way better...America loves fat people.

 

by vralia
12-23-02
Darryl tries to intellectually process all of this new information.
Jesus-Fuck! I can't believe this is happening!
Watch your mouth, you little shit.
Yeah...sorry Jesus.
Its pronounced 'Hay-soos'.
...Right. Do you know the meaning of Christmas, Haysoos?
Its all a load of malarkey that the Republicans started up about sixty years ago, when they figured the country was headed towards WWII. Worked it into the Fireside Chats...FDR was a clever bastard.

 

by vralia
12-23-02
Darryl tries to intellectually process all of this new information.
Jesus-Fuck! I can't believe this is happening!
Watch your mouth, you little shit.
Yeah...sorry Jesus.
Its pronounced 'Hay-soos'.
...Right. Do you know the meaning of Christmas, Haysoos?
Its all a load of malarkey that the Republicans started up about sixty years ago, when they figured the country was headed towards WWII. Worked it into the Fireside Chats...FDR was a clever bastard.

 

by vralia
12-23-02
A sudden scenic change...
Wow! Where are we?
War-torn Saudi Arabia...this dead guy would have appreciated some eggnog, right? I'm just trying to sell Christmas to these poor dying shmucks. Stick a flag on something and everyone will buy it.
Wow...thats introspective, man.
All in a day's work, my boy.
Another sudden scenic change...
Wow! How did you do that?
Are you dumb? I'm Haysoos! Anyways, I'm back to work...we need lots of profits from Christmas this year for some less talkative orphaned altar boys. Keep your nose clean, kid.

 

by vralia
12-23-02
You know Jessie, I am so glad that you're here. I can always talk to you about everything.
Yeah? Gee, thanks Taron. I'm really glad that you're here too.
Yeah...you're probably the one person who I'm closest to...who always understands me, no matter what. And I really appreciate that about you. And you mean a lot to me.
Wow...thanks Taron. You know, there's something I've really been meaning to tell you...
Hey, check out that hot girl! That reminds me...I was in the mall the other day, with this really hot girl...
THAT was productive...

 

by vralia
12-23-02
I've been there for Taron through the years...whenever he needed me...I am his best friend...
But now I think that the time is right for us to move forward and take our relationship to the next level...
Hey, you know your friend Melissa? Do you think I could have her phone number? She's pretty hot.
Or maybe I should just give it a few more years....

 

by vralia
12-24-02
Some Christmas this will be...alone in the world...Taron said he was going to call me today so that we could exchange presents...
This is the season for forgiveness, young Jessie!
I just wanted to see him to wish him a Merry Christmas and tell him that I want to have his babies...
Go and buy yourself an expensive present to get over him with!
...or I could always wait until next year to tell him...no rush, right?
Stupid kids...

 

by vralia
1-03-03
Hi class! My name is Mr. Roobenstain, and I will be your sixth grade teacher this year.
*snicker*
If you have any questions, gee, I'd love to help you out!!!
Your last name is stupid. You are a lesser human being just because of your last name! We harbor zero respect for you!
Huh...so true...my existence is futile.
Let's throw spitwads at him now! Maybe he'll cry!

 

by vralia
1-03-03
Principal, I feel that my students do not respect me. This is a serious personal offense and something must be done!
You are worthy of no respect, o first-year teacher with an idiotic last name.
I know...I am a useless human being...worthless in every aspect of the word...
Thats the spirit. Now bend over and let me cane you!
Well, that went surprisingly well...
Bend over FARTHER, Bitch!

 

by vralia
1-03-03
My life is miserable...fifteen years in school for this...twelve-year-olds won't respect me and old ladies smack my ass with canes...at least it isn't ALL bad...
Hey man. Do not sweat it. Take this pill of strength to cheer you up.
Wow! I feel so...so...INVINCIBLE!
You want more, you call, all right? I'm going to go smoke up now.
And thus was born PCP Man.
Hey! Watch me run into a brick wall!...Dude, a floating head!
Disclaimer: Drugs are for losers! And tired comic-writers!

 

by vralia
1-03-03
A Brief Intermission
I, the author and creator of this strip, would like to fill in a plot hole from the previous strip. The transformation of our hero into PCP Man did not occur with the intake of PCP...
Rather, it was caused by a freak bathtub-shooting-through-the-roof-of-a-motel incident. Our hero survived, though, due to aforementioned illegal drugs, and PCP Man was born...
And in case you were wondering, at the motel he was meeting up with a caning-fetish prostitute who reenacts his fantasies of Principal Smith with him every Tuesday at 8 PM in Room 314.

 

by vralia
1-03-03
Anyways...
I am a token minority child filling the network's requirements for diversity. I will now sit myself here and look cute and ethnic.
Hi kids! Drugs are very bad. But not cigarettes! Even eight-year-olds enjoy tar and nicotine! Just like big kids!
Hey! What the hell are you doing here?
Hi kids! My name is Jesus. Boy, too bad the Marlboro Man wasn't around 2000 years ago...what fun it would have been!
Thats right kids! Listen to Jesus...hes a smart guy!
Get the hell out or I'll call Marketing and you'll both be copyright-banned Forever!
Vote for Bush!
Alcohol is okay too, as long as you mix it with yummy, healthy juice or soda pop!

 

by vralia
1-03-03
Late at night, we're easily entertained...
I can't believe its 5 AM and I'm not tired yet...well, I suppose that I'll just rearrange my Yahoo! Mail...wait, what is this?
HiThere90: Maybe this old memory will help put you to sleep...
...and nauseated...
Right now I am wearing the white corset you picked out for me, and my breasts do not touch my belly button. How I wish I had your tremendous manhood sliding in and out of me...in..out..in..out..in..
Sweet Jesus, not her again...Please God, Anything but this!
...and negative references to God no longer count...
Mesa recite emailsa fo yusa ALL NIGHTSA LONG! *ahem* Deasa Jordsa-an, Isa wearsa yousa whitesa thongsa andsa...
FUCK YOU, GOD! FUCK YOU!

 

by vralia
1-03-03
Hey Jessie, you know, I know it seems like I ignore you a lot...
My heart's beating faster...this is going to be it...
And I know I shouldn't, but I do...
Finally he sees his mistakes for all of these years!
...but your friends are all so hot, it'd be wasting precious minutes hanging around just talking to YOU all day!
I fucking hate you...and yet...LOVE you...No! YES! EEEk!

 

by vralia
1-03-03
A Situation of Gravity
Hey Shenni, we're going to have a meeting tomorrow because since the orgy, we've all been acting really...sexual...towards each other.
What do you expect after a fucking drunken orgy?
What better way to unload unwanted friends than fucking around with them and never calling?
We need to turn our friendship from a 'Sex-Based' Relationship to a 'Stroke-Each-Other's-Egos-Incessantly' relationship.
Honestly, I enjoy the sex more...although you are decidedly hairy and unattractive...could we just never talk AND never mess around? Ever? Please?
And she didn't even bother putting it in a thought bubble...
Allow me to now show my utter disregard for your feelings, values and everything you stand for and ask you to go down on me behind that clump of trees...
Please God, get me on a bus back to Cow Town, where everyone is just nice and fucking dumb.

 

by vralia
1-03-03
Women's Rights go a step too far...
I take your refusal to go down on me as a personal offense, and an offense to all bisexuals everywhere! You are the reason my life is awful.
Ever stop to think maybe its just because I'm straight and I don't like you AT ALL???
Warning: Author about to shamelessly bash PSI...
It is not my fault that you dislike me. I am a victim of society. The world owes me a big fucking parade! I paid PSI 500 dollars to tell me that, now I'm fucking queen of the world!
You know, if everyone in the world said that, we'd all be dead. Not that, in your case, thats neccessarily a terrible thing...
Did that make you sniffle? Email me, you victims. Or go tell Mommy.
Viva La Revolucion! Everyone worship me! I am a victim! I am not responsible for anything I say or do, because my parents are fucking rich and I don't know what to do with all of my fucking money!
How about we go from a 'Sex-Based' relationship to a 'Hate-Based' relationship?

 

by vralia
1-03-03
A Formal Apology
You know, sometimes my comics are really hurtful. Really, really, hurtful. Mean-spirited, bitter, and hurtful.
And I thought that this would be a good opportunity to apologize to everyone who those last two comics offended...
Uh...*cough* Apology?
But really...I don't have to...because really, I'm mean all of the time! In fact, do you see this bunny here? Cute bunny? I'm going to KILL IT! Just cuz I can!
*munch munch*
The press will have a field day with this...
Oh, you didn't think I would do it, did you? Well HA HA SUCKERS!!!! Joke's on you, huh?
Ow!

 

by vralia
1-03-03
The Clueless Ex-Boyfriend Proves Himself Unworthy...
*thinks of possible responses*
Hey Shenni, Gel, do you wanna come to my Christmas Eve Party, even though we broke up?
No, but I would like to jam a large desk lamp up your ass...but there's probably not room for it up there...
Actually, on Christmas Eve I usually set a cat on fire and pray to Yishitawe, my Tittie Goddess...say, you have a cat?
Sure, I'll be there around eight...I'll bring over some nice Christmas cookies for your family too!
FUCK!

 

by vralia
1-03-03
I feel so depressed...my life is completely shitty! Maybe all I need is a good dance break to lift my spirits!
DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE ROCKS THAT I GOT, I'M STILL I'M STILL SHENNI FROM THE BLOCK!
USED TO HAVE A LITTLE, NOW I HAVE A LOT, NO MATTER WHERE I GO, I KNOW WHERE I CAME FROM! (THE BRONX!)
DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE ROCKS THAT I GOT, I'M STILL I'M STILL SHENNI FROM THE BLOCK!
USED TO HAVE A LITTLE, NOW I HAVE A LOT, NO MATTER WHERE I GO, I KNOW WHERE I CAME...hey, wow! That made me feel SO much better!
My ass is NOWHERE near as big as J. Lo's! WeeRaaa!

 

by vralia
1-03-03
Master! Master! Valentine's Day is approaching! Should we not go and partake of the merry season by buying up chocolates for your young love?
What are you talking about, silly? Valentine's Day is still six weeks away! Besides, I don't have a Valentine.
Well, maybe there's a special someone you could take out to dinner...maybe a lifelong faithful robotic servant who deserves a romantic evening out...
Actually, me and Rudy were just going to go to Hooters. They're having the annual Valentines Day Wet T-Shirt Contest.
What about romance? What about true love? Its FUCKING VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
Hmm, good point...think my secretary Tonya would let me give her a little hump-n-grind Valentine action? Or would I have to buy her dinner and that shit? Damned consumer holidays...

 

by vralia
1-03-03
God, my ex-boyfriend keeps trying to get in touch with me, and I'm not sure how to avoid him...
I suppose that I should do the mature thing and talk to him calmly and rationally, like a responsible adult...it won't be that bad...calm, rational, mature...like me.
RING RING RING
Is Shenni there?
Sorry, wrong number. *Click* ...Calm, rational, mature...just like me...I'm going to go play Mario Golf now and rejoice in my journey into adulthood.

 

by vralia
1-03-03
Hey Gel, even though we're not dating anymore, wanna come over with your keyboard and jam sometime?
Er....why would I want to do that?
Because, gel, you're like, pretty good at that music stuff...
Well, I guess, and thanks for the compliment...but who ever said YOU were any good at it? Not anyone who knows shit about music, thats for sure!
Go pick on someone your own age.
If you're going to date girls five years younger than you, expect FUCKING IMMATURITY!

 

by vralia
1-03-03
At Abo's in Louisville
So you're dating Ben, huh? How did you meet him?
Well...I'm friends with his little sister. We went to high school together.
Ha Ha Ha! Thats awesome! Thats the funniest thing I've ever heard! Man, what a loser! Dumbass can't even date a girl his own age-he's 22, for chrissakes!
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
3 minutes later...
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea...
Man, you're my fucking IDOL, man! Dating a 17-year-old...Wow! Can I have your autograph?

 

by vralia
1-03-03
Alex Trebek, our Guest Host, will tell you all of Shenni's rules for good, clean orgy planning...
First of all, make sure that you're comfortable with all of the people present...and make sure none of them look like your parents when they're naked.
Have lots of cushions, blankets, and fresh fruit lying around...Make sure that everyone there is at least mildly attractive...
...conversationally skilled...good at breakfast in bed...or on the floor, couch, loveseat, hood of car...wherever you end up...
But most importantly, NOT emotionally attatchable...not clingy, not instable, not insecure about themselves...
Shenni! Lets go out for coffee...AND THEN watch a girlie movie...AND THEN braid each other's hair...AND THEN go out for dinner...AND THEN have a sleepover...AND THEN go for a hike...Boy, so much fun!
Ugh! I'm never walking into an orgy with the lights off EVER again!

 

by vralia
1-03-03
University of Northern Colorado---Greeley, CO
So there I was, sayin "Git, you lousy cattle! Git inside sos I can chop you up into little bitty cow pieces!" Back in the day...
God, I can't WAIT to get back to Boulder, where I will find true intellectual conversation...
Highway 52
Yay! Almost there...nothing like a 2-hour bus ride back to Boulder for the weekend...time for some good, deep talks with my old friends from high school...
Boulder, CO
Thank God for normal people and normal conversation once again!
so, then we went and fuckin.....burned a couch and fuckin....smoked some weed and fuckin....got high and fucking talked about like world peace and fuckin...smoked some hemp dude. fuckin eye opening.

 

by vralia
1-03-03
In a mutual friend's mobile home at a party...
OMIGOD, my boyfriend is going to come here in a few hours, and you can meet him! Wow, he's so amazing, and we're not having sex yet, because we have consciences! I Rock!
YOU have a boyfriend? And I don't?...DOES ANYONE HERE HAVE SOME VICADIN???
A DEPRESSING comic strip...
...and our relationship is a committed one, and we're not sleeping together until we know each other better! What a great guy! I am so lucky to have finally found someone so wonderful!!
Christ! This is an awful situation! Why is this a comic strip? This is just fucking awful!!!
Ah yes, THIS is why it is amusing!
Hey, do you know where Byron, this new moral wonderful boyfriend, is?
In the bathroom of this mobile home, fucking Kim Lucas.

 

by vralia
1-03-03
At the awkward post-orgy plus makenna non-confrontation
We are gathered here to discuss how horrible it is that you are sucking me into your orgy drama! I know you all want to fuck my brains out, but really, I have standards!
But Makenna, we're not trying to suck you in. If anything, we're trying to push you out. Did you ever stop to think that maybe there was a reason we never invited you to hang out with us?
Wow, I always thought it was just because you hated me and thought I was an annoying spoiled little bitch!
Well...that too, I suppose...mainly the utter unattractiveness that is you deterred us though...its kind of a toss-up.
...

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