All comics by Derangon

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by Derangon
6-10-04
w00t! I've got my Official Harry Potter Groupie Kit, and I have my phallic wand! Now to find my handsome Familiar, which I will use to soak up particularly heavy periods!
Humping the side panel... humping the side panel... YEAH, YEAH, YEEEEAAH!
BRRRRRRING!
Damnit, there's the bell, and I still haven't gotten an animal!!!
:o It's so... phallic... *Drools*
"Aww, who jizzed on this side-panel?! I just washed it, too!"
Umm... a squirrel with a boner. That's obviously magical. Hey, buddy- wanna be my Familiar?
Just a minute! Soo... phallic...

 

by Derangon
6-10-04
Meanwhile, Mr. Blekkie, the Runes Teacher who was sadly killed in an unfortunate smelting accident, notices something odd about his class.
What?! Class, I'm afraid to inform you that Alice doesn't seem to be here!
Oh no! How will we ever get our porn NOW!?
Porn brings us life!
Umm... what?
DESTROY ALL WITNESSES. Scratch that... RAPE AND DESTROY ALL WITNESSES. Blekkie, pants down! Let's see if you can ectoplasm as hard as the legends say!

 

by Derangon
6-10-04
Damnit, we're never going to get there at this rate!
I could always ass-ram you with my broom- would that make you go any faster?
I seriously doubt it. I seem to be walking in place.
No no no, the background changed! We're clearly moving!
We're just in front of a greenscreen, aren't we?
Yup.

 

by Derangon
6-10-04
I'll bet Alice is starring in a porn film. We should tease her about it.
What?! She's probably already been in a porn film- have you seen how she humps her broom?
Maybe she's really a Muggle! Or maybe she scored with Daniel Radcliffe!
Girl, you know the only thing that's 11 inches on him is his wand! She's probably up to something really boring, like getting involved in a running joke!
Hey, you're right! Humping panel walls IS fun!
WHY did I get involved in this journey- WITHOUT bringing a video camera?!

 

by Derangon
6-15-04
Mr Blekkie decides that since Alice doesn't look like she'll arrive at all in the next 20 strips, it's time for a Science lesson. Kwan and Ling demonstrate.
We're going to demonstrate how to identify between acids, bases and neutral substances!
Yeah! It's going to be great! All comics should teach you something.
Generally, you're meant to use Litmus Paper or something. Screw that.
Quite literally, actually. Aah... ahh... aaaaaahhhh...
Nyeh. So, let's get started, shall we? Ling will be our Guinea Pig for the day.
Aaah... aahh... wha? I never agreed to tha... aaah... aaaaaaahhhh!

 

by Derangon
6-15-04
Method 1: Drink the substance!
Fortunately, Ling is the one demonstrating this. Here you go, Ling!
Noooo!!! *Glug glug glug* I taste burning!!!
Good! That means it was an acid! Now onto the next lesson!
If I wasn't chained here...
Method 2: Pour it on your genitals!
Oh crap.

 

by Derangon
6-15-04
What's the verdict, Ling?
...Acid...
Method 3: Throw them at passers-by!
Since the only passer-by is you, I guess we'll have to improvise! *Toss*
Ooooh crap!
Damn! It's neutral!
...Glass everywhere...

 

by Derangon
6-15-04
Method 4: Set it on fire!
Yay! I'll finally get to see whether Kerosine is acid or basic!!!
This is the last one... I swear...
FUUUUUUUDDDDDGGGGEEEE!!!
Of course, since it still doesn't prove whether it's acid or basic, further studies are required.
Screw this- I'll be in my trailor!

 

by Derangon
6-15-04
Meanwhile, this guy was all like "Avada Kedabrara!" and I thought it was a death spell... but it was too late to block it! The green light hit me square in the chest, and my shirt vanished!
What a predicament! What happened then?
Well, then my best friend came over, and it was really cold, so she leant against me to keep me warm...
Did she hug you? Maybe grind a little? Body heat?
I'm going to kill you, Dandruff.
*FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP*

 

by Derangon
6-17-04
You know, I've always wanted to be a lumberjack, and every so often I go to the woods, and I look at the trees...
Break into song, and die.
But... but... I look at the trees, and sing, I sing... I'm a lumberjack and I'm o-
HELLO...? MONSIGNOR...?

 

by Derangon
6-17-04
How'd we end out here?
I don't know- YOU were meant to be steering!
That's only because you were busy "riding" the broom!
Well, we agreed to take it in shifts! Oooh, nevermind. My nipples are getting hard- let's get out of here.
*FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP*
Die. Seriously.

 

by Derangon
6-18-04
Umm... yeah. I got really lost... and... it seems I'm on the wrong continent. Can you please-
It looks like you're trying to buy a boat ticket! Would you like me to help?
No, I came here for a Big Mac with extra Mac. OF COURSE I WANT A BOAT TICKET!!!
It looks like you're trying to buy a boat ticket! Would you like me to help?
Alright, if this joke goes on for another comic, I'm killing somebody.

 

by Derangon
6-18-04
It looks like you're trying to buy a boat ticket. Would you like me to help?
All. I want. Is a boat ticket.
Sure! That'll be 35 dolla- INVALID MODULE IN DISK W WINDOWS WILL NOW CLOSE.
...
Screw this. I'm going to go for good ol' human interface- the phone. Preferrably one with a vibrator function.

 

by Derangon
6-18-04
OMG! I just comprehended the universe! It's so simple- it's...
O.o

 

by Derangon
6-18-04
You know... I've been thinking lately.
That's a first.
What if we were, you know, meant to be together? Like, fate? Star-crossed companions, together to the end.
...
An inseperable bond.
Dear God, don't tell me you're going to shove me up your ass again.

 

by Derangon
6-18-04
You know... I've been thinking lately.
That's a first.
What if we were, you know, meant to be together? Like, fate? Star-crossed companions, together to the end.
...
An inseperable bond.
*FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP*

 

by Derangon
6-19-04
Chronically Ill Man!
*Beep... beep... beep... beep... BEEEEEEEEEEE...*
Morbidly Obese Man!
Oi, you! Eh, burglar! I'ma kick your ass- once I can get offa mine... *Oof*
Old Man!
You whippersnappers, why I oughta... just let me get my cane... *Oof* I broke mah hip, dag nabbit!

 

by Derangon
6-19-04
1337 Man!
I pwn j00!!!
Politically Incorrect Man!
Fuckin' bra-burning lesbians... I'll kill you all, Nig-
Gay Darth Vader Impersonation Man!
The force is strong- IN MY PANTS!

 

by Derangon
6-21-04
She-Man!
Self-explanatory, really.
Pac-Man!
Pacman eats up all the dots, lots and lots, lots of spots...
Burgerman!
Sponsored by McDonalds. Burgerman is a registered trademark of- OH FUCK, BAD DOG!!! BAD DOG!!!

 

by Derangon
6-21-04
Chair Man!
Oh no! My arch-nemesis has four legs, and all are built for kicking!
The Stoner!
Oh no! It's a man with a bong of doom- and he's not giving me any!
The Hippy
No!!! He's mellowing my harsh!!!

 

by Derangon
6-21-04
The Mole!
Oh no, my arch-nemesis is a crappy knockoff from an early-2000 reality TV show!
The Ice-Cream Man!
Oh no, it's my arch-nemisis, derived from milk products!
The Buttplug!
Don't remind me. So... much... blockage...

 

by Derangon
6-22-04
Why do you think going to a church would help us get to your school?
Because everyone knows priests are kind and caring and useful!
To kids!
What are you implying? God loves children, right?
IN BED!!!
Dear God... please tell me this exists only in the mind of Dandruff...

 

by Derangon
6-22-04
Aah.. ahh... ahh... aaaaahhh...
Excuse me sir... excuse me!
Yes, my child?
Sir... I need to find out how to get to the school of Witchcrap and Wizardry.
Well... I'd be delighted to. Just excuse me for a moment. So... phallic...
What am I, flypaper for freaks?!

 

by Derangon
6-22-04
No matter how lost you feel, Jesus will guide the way.
I'm not lost! I just need a goddamn boat!
You know, Noah was in a boat. He was sinless.
He was also penniless. And now he's dead.
Jesus was dead, too!
... I wonder how much I could sell that cross for on eBay?

 

by Derangon
6-22-04
Look. I'll do anything if Ii can just get to a boat!
Noah was in a boat!
Look, you're making me really cross...
Jesus died on a cross!
Okay, that's it. You just lost the right to a head.
Head is fun to recieve... but not fun to give.

 

by Derangon
6-22-04
...That was possibly the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
Yeah... but now we have the necklace!
What does that have to do with anything?
Because it sounds like we're about to go on a quest, and the geezers that make the quests always need a necklace.
But... for a quest, we'd need a heart of gold.
Feh... I'm sure we can steal it.

 

by Derangon
6-22-04
Remind me again why we had to ride three hours on this broom to go halfway around the world.
So we could get home!
But home's on the other side of the world.
Well... we need a boat to get home... and the best place to find boats is in this town!
Why do we need a boat? I mean, we FLEW here!
Video game logic. Gotta love it.

 

by Derangon
6-22-04
It was then that I realized that Dandruff and I were meant to be. The lingering embrace as he slyly humed my leg sent a shiver up my spine. It was almost as magical as that orgy with Daniel Radcliffe.
It was then that I realized that Alice and I were meant to be. The way she shaved her legs just for me... the way she employed me as her gyno... every six minutes... it sent a shiver up my spine.
Hey... why the creepy silence?
Oh... nothing. Just... um... fantasizing about Jessica Biel...

 

by Derangon
6-22-04
Please come with me... I beg you!
Give me one good reason.
...There's a lot of hot chicks?
And...
There are two-way mirrors in the bathrooms, and during breaks we like to go in there and play with our wands.
I'm convinced. Aah... ahh... aaaaahhhhh!!!

 

by Derangon
6-28-04
So... the reason we're flying over the ocean is so that we can get items for a wise old man that doesn't exist yet.
Yep.
And the reason we're going to get the items is so we can aquire a boat ticket to go to the continent that we're heading towards.
Yep.
For free. And you see nothing wrong with this?
Well, the fact that neither of us is actually on the broom is slightly disturbing, but apart from that...

 

by Derangon
7-02-04
You're not going to believe it! We got a letter from Alice!!!
A letter? But she's only been gone for an hour!
Dear Quan and Ling. I hope you enjoy these pictures I'm sending you... I just hope they reach you in time. Stop using my electric toothbrush. Alice.
Dear God, is she doing what I think she is?!
Oh, that's NASTY! You know, it's things like these that make me wish I never gave her that webca- THAT'S WRONG!!!

 

by Derangon
7-02-04
Come on, we've been walking for days. PLEASE, please let us rest.
It's been half an hour, Dandruff.
Wait... we passed through three continents, met a priest, had six orgies and sold our g-strings to eBay in half an hour?
Time flies, doesn't it?
...We've been stoned, haven't we?
The colours... smell the colours...

 

by Derangon
7-02-04
*Humphumphump*
*Humphumphump*
*Humphumphump*
*Humphumphump*
AAAH... AAAHH... AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Okay, you win. I get the firewood.

 

by Derangon
7-03-04
...And that little boy that nobody liked grew up to be... Cher. And now you know the rest of the story!
In other news, a girl named Alice is making her way across the country wearing a flambouyant robe.
Publicity stunt for the new Harry Potter movie...
Or just a nutcase? We'll let you decide with this exclusive footage.
AAAH... AAAHH... AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Okay, you win. I get the firewood.

 

by Derangon
7-04-04
Frrring Frrring!
Damnit... this had better be important... I was busy lubeing up my hat!
Hello, friend! We've got an offer you can't refuse!
And why is that?
Because everytime you refuse, we'll feed you even more tantalizing lies until you're stuck buying something that promises to cure your pathetic life without actually fulfilling anything promised!!
Well... at least they're being honest now...

 

by Derangon
7-13-04
What did I do wrong, sir?
Well, for one, your technique is all wrong. It should come up under your legs, between your buttcheeks then enter your vagina. Here, let me show you.
Wait, I don't think you should do that!
You've got a SQUIRREL up there?!
You just HAD to travel there, didn't you?
*Humphumphump* Uhh... what?

 

by Derangon
7-13-04
"You're entitled to one phone call... just make it quick, okay?"
Hello? Is your fridge running?
Yes... in fact, it just stole my Nikes!
"You're entitled to one phone call... just make it quick, okay?"
Hot Asian Women... only 2.95 a minute?! How could I refuse?!
Hello... you've reached the bordello of Quan and Ling. We're here to fulfill your wildest, wettest fantasies!
"You're entitled to one phone call... just make it quick, okay?"
Hello? Eagle Boys? Yeah, I'd like three large Hawaiians.
Sorry, we don't have any Hawaiians tonight. However, we have some Portugese and an Italian...

 

by Derangon
7-13-04
Say the magic words three times, and I will give you any wish you desire.
The magic words, the magic words, the magic words.
... Whatever. So, whaddaya wish for?
SEX!!!
Your wish has been granted. *Strips*
Oookay... so... how?

 

by Derangon
7-13-04
Say the magic words three times, and I will give you any wish you desire.
The magic words, the magic words, the magic words.
Whatever... hurry up then. I don't have all day. One wish, hurry up.
I wish... for infinite wishes.
Umm... uhh... your wish has been granted!
Screw all these pussy wishes for fame and fortune... I've got my own damn fairy! I wish you could vibrate!

 

by Derangon
7-13-04
Say the magic words three times, and I will give you any wish you desire.
The magic words, the magic words, the magic words.
Okay, this is getting old. Hurry up and make your infinite wishes... *sigh*
I wish we were at Dogwarts already.
Uhh... well, that was a shitty plot device if I ever saw one. I wish you were back!

 

by Derangon
7-13-04
Aah... screwit. I'm not going to bother with the intros anymore.
So... tell me, what is your name, dearest Nymph?
I'm... Luria... why the civility?
Well, it is a little known fact that I am, in fact, quite eloquent. It's a common misconception that because I flaunt my sexual urges publicly, I am uncivilized. In fact, this is quite the contrary.
I never knew that... you know, there's so much I can learn from you. Please, may I join you on your journey? I'd be willing to do anything to hear some of your ponderings.
*Humphumphump* Aaahh... yeah... whatever...

 

by Derangon
8-11-04
So... you're a Faerie.
Yep.
Tell me... why exactly do we need you here? I mean, Dandruff and I have a pretty good group thing going here.
Well, I can provide a dose of eloquency and act as the sane one... and I'm magical!
... You're talking to a Witch here?
... I have weed.

 

by Derangon
8-12-04
Pisces: Today you will read your horoscope. Hah! We got it right! SUCKED IN, SCEPTICS!
Virgo: Today you will find unexpected money on the ground. Or maybe you won't. Either way, you'll give cash to us. GIVE US CAAAASSSSHHH.
These guys just don't try anymore.
Yeah... at least they used to include gratuitous panty shots.

 

by Derangon
8-12-04
Hey... if you can't actually wish us back to Dogwarts, then what's the point of you being here? I mean, a burst of sanity isn't exactly going to win us any viewers.
Well... I... uhh... have one of the mystical amulets needed to get to Dogwarts...
Mystical amulets... you know, most normal people take the bus.
Eww... but busses are dirty! All those people jerking off in public...
Aaah... aaahh... AAAAHHHH!!! Sorry, what was that?
Then again... I have a bus pass too...

 

by Derangon
8-12-04
Pisces: Today you will cut down on carbs. Sponsored by Atkins.
Virgo: Today will be the day after yesterday.
Okay... remind me why we spent that time on horoscopes... INSTEAD of going to tubgirl.com?
Because we've run out of Kleenex.

 

by Derangon
8-21-04
So... we have a bus pass, and yet we're taking a boat.
Yup.
Despite the fact that we don't actually NEED to take a boat, because both of us can fly and Dandruff can easily be stored in my anal cavity.
Err... yeah.
Well, I've recently run out of lubricant. I like your logic!
Please God, kill me now...

 

by Derangon
8-21-04
So, what's your name, handsome?
My name, Prithee, is Gabriel. And thine?
My name is Luria... what are you doing on a ship like this?
Thine question be valid- I am on a quest, a noble quest to rid thine world of evil.
And bad attempts at Olde English?
... Excuseth me while I jumpeth off thine deck.

 

by Derangon
8-21-04
What are you doing here!?
Well, I'm Ling, and I'm-
Not meant to be here. You're going to mess everything up. Look up there. It says you're never meant to meet Alice! You're going against the plot!!!
But by saying that, you're going against the laws of the Fourth Wall!
Touche.

 

by Derangon
8-21-04
I am white and I am trailor trash. I am superior to you because I have problems.
I am black and I will oppress you.
I am white and I get beaten up by my mother, my girlfriend has sex with other men and my friend is retarded.
I am black and I will oppress you.
I can make that rhyme.
I am black and I will respect you.

 

by Derangon
8-21-04
So, who are you?
My name... it's Butch... You have pretty wings. Can I take them?
Uhhh...
Because I'd love to stick a pin through you and add you to my butterfly collection.
I don't know what you think you're doing asking me a question like that, but I am NOT joining your collection.
I guess we'll have to do this the hard way...

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