All comics by coldpizza

Profile

 

by coldpizza
7-04-02
Hi, Mister Frosty!
Frosty is a trademark of the Wendy's Corporation. I prefer Charles.
Well, that sure is a mighty plump carrot u have there, CHARLES!
What the ... ?! How did u hear me?! That was a thought bubble!
I'm a mind reader, babe.
Ur also terribly undressed for the winter solstice, Ms. Cleo. Aren't u even going to offer me a Tic Tac?

 

by coldpizza
7-04-02
Freddy doesn't sound like he's doing so great.
Really? What's the matter?
He doesn't really say. But he signed his letter with 14 lines of Xs & Os.
Wow @ 14! Do u think he's gay?
Naw, not Freddy.
Maybe it's secret code for "love ya like a sis". See if he spritzed it with Chloe.

 

by coldpizza
7-04-02
This just in .. rabbit ears suck!
*BEAMING SMILE*
EarSSSS! Pluralization is key in any antennae reference!!

 

by coldpizza
7-04-02
Civilance. Civilance!
How the fuck are u going to conduct a sound check from way down there?
I'm projecting from my diaphragm.
What a whore.
Testing .. 1-2!

 

by coldpizza
7-04-02
Ok, so what happens the next time u go to light up a Marlboro and, suddenly, u realize "Hey, I don't know how to start a fire!"? Followed shortly after by, "Whoa! My stupid ass is extinct!"?
Dude, all u non-smokers ever do is preach.
I'm not trying to preach. I'm trying to talk some sense into u. For Christ's sake, u've got nicotine stains on ur horn!
Lmao @ Christ. Better check the timeline again, asshole, u might be off by several billion years. o0o and sipping a decaffeinated blend is adding centuries to ur life. Wtf does a T. Rex know?
Well, at least I had that "Bang a Gong (Get it On)" hit back in the 70's.
That was Power Station. I hope Michael Crichton gives u a lisp.

 

by coldpizza
7-04-02
Nice balancing act! Do u think u could walk it all the way across the street?
Don't worry about the traffic. People brake for amazing shit like this.
Arf!
I'll just watch from the safety of this bench and sing something motivational. C'MON BABY, WAIT N SEE. YAH, I'M GONNA TAKE U SURFIN' WITH ME.

 

by coldpizza
7-04-02
My sweet Jesus, I have a confession to make. I have strayed from your path on too many occasions. I have embezzled money from the archdioscese and fondled many a small boy.
I am deeply troubled by these revelations, Father Dorian. In keeping with the Vatican's new no tolerance policy, I must excommunicate u from the Catholic church.
I ain't gonna quit.
U can forget it. Ur out.
DON'T U DO IT! *WATER SPIT* DON'T U .. I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!

 

by coldpizza
2-15-04
Hi, Flipper! I hadn't seen u around in a while. I thought u might've gotten tangled up in a tuna net or something!
Naw, not me! I try to steer clear of those fishermen types.
Listen, it's pretty f'ing cold down here at the bottom of the ocean. From one mammal to another, how do u manage to keep warm?
Well, as long as this stays between us ... I drink plenty of Swiss Miss instant cocoa! Little old lady who!
Tell me u didn't just yodel!
Actually, I was trying out a new mating call on u. There's more than one way to stay warm down here, knowhatimsayin?

 

by coldpizza
2-16-04
As soon as the lyrics begin, Tiki realizes the gravity of the situation.
"A place ... where nobody dared to go ... the love that we came to know ..."
OMFG, XANADU'S COMING ON! SOMEBODY GET ME A TAPE FOR THE VCR!
Using an ancient Jedi mind trick, he buys himself as much time as possible before help can arrive.
"The dream ... that came through a million years ..."
This isn't happening this isn't happening this isn't happening ... THIS IS NOT FUCKING HAPPENING!
Soon realizing the need for drastic measures, our hero boldly advances his verbal assault to the frontline.
"Now that I'm here ... now that you're near ..."
IF I DON'T HAVE A BLANK VHS TAPE IN MY HAND BY THE COUNT OF ONE, HEADS ARE GONNA ROLL!

 

by coldpizza
2-16-04
Boy, the Earth sure looks tiny from here! Hey Kip, did you ever think we'd be kicking it on Mars?
I mean, I read the Hitchhiker's Guide and all that, but I never thought I'd live to see the day, yanno? It's just you and me, bud!
The Columbia crew has no idea how lucky they were.
Hey, yanno what we could really use up here, Kip? Mars ... needs ... women! Pump up the volume Pump up the volume DANCE! DANCE! Rotfl oh man, I almost forgot about that one!

 

by coldpizza
2-16-04
Hi, mister circus clown!
Please, call me John Wayne.
Well, that's a mighty fine name ya got there, pilgrim!
Thanks! What's yours?!
Lorena. So, are you gonna like abduct me now or what?
Er, I dunno. #1 you're a girl. #2 I got a pretty bad vibe on the whole castrated cowboy reference there.

 

by coldpizza
2-16-04
How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?
How can we start over when the fighting never ends?
How can we make love if we can't make amends?
Haven't you ever heard of grudge fucking?
Ok, that so isn't a Michael Bolton lyric!
True, but it beats all this nonsensical contemporary listening foreplay.

 

by coldpizza
2-17-04
Lost arms in 'Nam
Do you think we'll ever find Rusty?
I doubt it, there's like 50 gazillion dead guys out here. Do you feel like digging through all those bodies?
Hands across the water
I'm looking for some good mp3s to download. What's better "Open Arms" by Journey or "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed?
Perry over Stapp any day of the week. Hey, remember this one? "Elbow Room, Elbow Rooom! Gotta gotta get us some Elbow Room!"
Armchair quarterbacks
Dude, hurry the fuck up! The Jets are on defense and they're doing the wave!

 

by coldpizza
2-17-04
OMFG, YOU'RE THE BEST THING SINCE RYAN LEAF!

 

by coldpizza
2-18-04
Dumbo realizes that in order to save his Disney friends from Satan, he must first cross the fiery river Styx!
Oh piss, oh fuck, that river's on fire!
Maybe if I get a running start and just leap through, it won't be so bad!
Moments later, Dumbo hears a gentle rustling noise behind him.
Whoa! A giant piece of cauliflower!

 

by coldpizza
2-18-04
He was born in a manger, He died for your sins and here He is LIVE with the number one hip-hop song in the land!
Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present ... Jesus Christ and Rhythm Syndicate!
Skip skap skibby!
P.A.S.S.I.O.N. got me on the cross again, there's no way that I can win, P.A.S.S.I.O.N.
Skibby dibby doo!

 

by coldpizza
2-18-04
Hi, welcome to McFuckU! Would you like to try our new boneless rib patty sandwich?
I'm sorry, did you say "boneless rib patty"?
Among twelve other words in my mindlessly automated customer greeting. Yes, I did.
Doesn't the word "rib" itself imply that some type of bone is present? And if not, what exactly is the difference between a "boneless rib patty" sandwich and your regular hamburger, the Big Yummy?
Ha, I know this one! The Big Yummy is the dark blue key.
I'm lovin' it!

 

by coldpizza
2-19-04
With chords of "Auld Lang Syne" ringing in the air, Harry knew it was time to wear his heart on his sleeve.
Why did u come here, Harry?
I love that u get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes u an hour and a half to order a bag of oats. I love that u get a little wrinkle above ur nose when ur looking at me like I'm nuts.
Wrinkle?! Have I not told u a thousand times already? It's a scar, Harry!
It's not because I'm lonely or because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when u realize that u want to spend the rest of ur life with somebody, u want it to start as soon as possible!
U see? That's just like u, Harry. U say things like that and u make it impossible for me to hate u. And I REALLY hate u! I also still haven't gotten over the whole wrinkle comment from two frames ago!
Ok, my bad. I forgot u were once a ~beautiful and graceful unicorn~ Is that what u need to hear? How about "Ur a self-centered, anal retentive, horse-faced BITCH now, Sally"? There, I said it.

 

by coldpizza
2-19-04
Ay bloke, ya remember that scene in "Trainspotting" when Ewan McGregor goes deep sea diving in the cruddy hopper, do ya?
I sure do, mate! It's one of me favorites!
Well, I was just thinking to meself how bloody cool it would be if that was me VERY OWN hopper!
Uh, cool as in ... you want a cruddy hopper? Or cool as in ... you'd fancy the McGregor lad swimming around IN your hopper?
Well, just the cruddy hopper, of course! Haha, Ewan is definitely not me type!
Indeed! Nor mine. Now that Kino in John Steinbeck's "The Pearl"? I'd let him do the backstroke in me shitter any day!

 

by coldpizza
2-25-04
That's right, Dan. The first half of the Wigger Bowl has been all Team Fubu and a lot of it has to do with #05.
#05 leads Fubu in nearly every statistical category. Passing, rushing, receiving, tackles, scoring ... hell, he's even kicked three extra points!
But statistics aren't shedding any light on the real story here tonight, Dan. And that's the burning question on everyone's mind. Just who is #05?
Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away, on a transatlantic flight over ... well ... the Atlantic ...
We are joined in studio by actress Ally Sheedy. Nice mandible, Ally. Did you steal that off a cash register?
#05 IS ALIVE !!

 

by coldpizza
6-20-04
I know a great way to raise $50,000! We can enter a tetherball tournament!
Dude, who's going to pay $50,000 to watch a couple of out-of-shape, down-on-their-luck homos like us whack a ball around a pole?
I would!
Do you have $50,000?
No, but I know how we could get it!
Ok, NOW you've piqued my interest!

 

by coldpizza
7-06-04
To this day, guitarist Peter Buck remains one of his band's most outspoken critics. It is this high level of self-assessment that many believe propelled REM to rock superstardom.
I'm pushing an elephant down a shaft ... I'm dealing with assholes that won't even laugh ... Over my shoulder, a Neanderthal ...
Michael? Michael, this just isn't working.
It's the nipple rings, isn't it?
No, I like the nipple rings. Really, I do! It's these lyrics, Michael. When I hear "elephant", I think "big". When I hear "shaft", I think "cock".
So, what are you saying, Peter? That you're ready to break for lunch?!

 

by coldpizza
5-22-07
Mr. Durden, you've been admitted to this ER seven times in the last two weeks with multiple contusions and lacerations. Are you participating in some form of illegal activity?
Nurse, I've explained this several times already. I cut myself shaving.
Do you typically shred your clothing, blacken both eyes and rupture your spleen while shaving?
It's my disposable razors. I buy them at Dollar Tree.
Do you buy your little pink bar soap there, too?
For a bitch with no nose, you sure are nosey.

 

by coldpizza
5-23-07
Do you think PETA would get pissed if I chopped that kitten's head off?
Um, did we not just risk our lives saving it from a tree? Why would you do such a thing?!
Well, I couldn't very well chop its head off while it was still caught in the tree.
Because you might have lost your balance on the ladder?
No, on account of the bird nest. Can you imagine the emotional trauma a baby bird would endure, if a severed cat head wound up in its nest?
*sigh* You're such a compassionate soul. Okie doke, let's Nick Berg this hairball.

 

by coldpizza
5-24-07
Whoa, our convertible is floating away into the sky! Hey donkey, what movie does this remind you of?
Snakes on a Plane.
Uh, not quite. Think late '70s. Super hip soundtrack. "Why, this car is automatic... It's systematic... It's hyyydromatic..."
Car Wash!!!1
Forget it, donkey. You're not very good at movie trivia.
Kramer vs. Kramer. Final answer.

 

by coldpizza
5-24-07
I must say, that certainly is a lovely purple dress you're wearing.
Thanks, my husband tells me it makes me look like Barney.
Barney Rubble?
No, Barney the dinosaur. You know, "I love you, you love me ..."?
Whoa, whoa! What's all this "love" shit? I thought you said you were married.
So much for my theory that all retards are color blind.

 

by coldpizza
5-25-07
The untimely death of A.A. Milne brought unexpected changes to the Winnie the Pooh series ...
What a terribly inappropriate setting for an animated children's show!
Oh bother! There seems to be a rumbly in my tumbly.
You're the most pathetically drawn Pooh bear I've ever seen!
... several of which Christopher Robin was a bit reluctant to accept.
I also detect a small piece of fluff in my ear.
As long as I don't have to wear those faggot ass knee high stockings anymore, I suppose I'm cool with it.

 

by coldpizza
5-26-07
*crickets*
As I'm sure you're all aware, "The Crucible" centers around the Salem witch trials of 1692. Can anyone tell me something they learned about witchcraft?
What about you, Dave the Doodler? Did Arthur Miller's detailed narrative teach you anything about the time period?
It sure did, Mr. Anderson. I learned that a sandwich is a sandwich ... but a Manwich is a WARLOCK!
Let's try this again. Sophomoric Sloppy Joe puns aside, did anyone bother opening the book?

 

by coldpizza
5-30-07
What ya got that's so important in that portfolio, mister?
Nothing. Mind your own beeswax.
Oh, you're gonna be really sorry you said that.
Yep, this is the absolute last time I take public transit.
Whose wax is it NOW, bitch?!

 

by coldpizza
7-31-08
Quick question, Mr. Reaper.
Sure, whatcha got?
Well, I'm new to the afterlife, see? And I was wondering ... how does one go about attaining a sickle?
After six months, you'll be given the option of upgrading your harp to any secular object of your choosing. Just tell them you want a sickle.
Whoa ... ANY secular object? So, I could become the Grim iPod Wearer, for example?
Ok, why the fuck didn't I think of that?!

 

by coldpizza
8-01-08
The mail doesn't typically sort itself. You DO realize that, right?
*?!
Arms or no arms, you ain't gonna get much of anywhere standing around staring at it.
And they say we colored folks only know one speed ...

 

by coldpizza
8-05-08
I'd like to buy an instant win lottery ticket, please.
Instant? Whoa, you must be feeling LUCKY!
Nah, just inexplicably compelled to get a bunch of silver crud under my thumbnail. You mind getting me that scratch off?
Nothing wrong with feeling lucky, my good man.
Wtf is this, a Dirty Harry audition? I don't have time for the small talk, Keanu. One lottery card. Today.
Isn't he luck-y ... this im-pa-tient guy? And they say ... He's so lucky. He's a star. But he cry-cry-cries in his lonely heart thinking ... ♫

 

by coldpizza
8-05-08
Let's go see Sex and the City tonight!
You already watch that slut opera once a week on HBO. Why would we spend another 20 bucks to sit through it at a theater?
You watch Jackass every week and we saw that at the theater. We even went to see the sequel.
Jackass doesn't subject its audience to false pretenses. Every guy on the show is a bona fide jackass. The title isn't "Shenanigans and the Suburbs". Why isn't Sex and the City called "Whores"?
Please? I'll buy the popcorn.
Fuhgetaboutit. I watched Big Brown blow the Triple Crown. That's about the closest I plan on getting to a Sarah Jessica Parker sex scene.

 

by coldpizza
8-06-08
I'm going to have you ask you to find an alternate route, ma'am. There's been a murder here.
Don't worry, I can read.
That quickly? I'm impressed. It took our investigations unit nearly six hours to crack the code. Redrum. That spells "murder" backwards.
I was referring to the yellow tape.
Ssorc Ton Od Enil Ecilop? Hmm. Probably street slang for "don't fuck with the Zodiac Killer".

 

by coldpizza
8-08-08
In what's being touted as the biggest celebrity departure from Wisconsin since Laverne & Shirley relocated to Burbank, the Green Bay Packers have traded star QB Brett Favre to the New York Jets.
For more on this late-breaking story, we go to our Channel 3 sports affiliate, Sal Bigalow, live in Manhattan. Sal, how will this blockbuster NFL trade impact the price of cheddar?
Great question, Curtis. It may be a bit early to speculate, but I foresee a sharp decline in the price of cheddar this Fall. I also see a drop in the price of sharp cheddar. Only not as sharp.
What's the latest on former Jets QB Chad Pennington? Now on the outside looking in, do you expect him to turn to Thunderbird to drown his sorrows? Or will he proposition Suzy Kolber in a sober manner?
Well, as you know, alcoholism has proven to be the answer for other mediocre QBs, such as Tommy Kramer and Kerry Collins. Chad is a quality, classy mediocre QB. He deserves the bottle more than most.

 

by coldpizza
8-08-08
Sal, is there any truth to the rumor that new Packers QB Aaron Rodgers will be asked to portray Favre in next summer's much-anticipated sequel "There's Something About Mary 2"?
The Farrelly brothers have begun to explore their casting options, Curtis. The biggest concern, at this point, is whether or not Rodgers's wrist can support the weight of Favre's trademark rubberband.
A huge rubberband to fill, indeed. One last question, in regards to Favre's potentially tarnished legacy. Should the letter R continue to occur before the letter V in the English alphabet?
Absolutely. Brett may be a shoo-in Hall of Famer, but Q-V-S-T-U-R would practically ruin first grade karaoke night. As a responsible sports-crazed society, we must remain focused on the children.
Sal Bigalow, live from the Big Apple. Thanks, Sal. If you're just tuning in, our lead story tonight ... the Green Bay Packers have traded star QB Brett Favre to the New York Jets.
With all due respect to my ancestors, the media is beating the ever-loving shit out of this dead horse.

 

by coldpizza
8-08-08
Harold, today is a particularly significant day. I'd like you to circle it on your desk calendar.
Happy birthday, Mr. Thompson.
No, no ... not THAT significant. It's August 8th. Eight, eight, o-eight! Perfectly symmetrical dates like this only come around once every thirteen months!
Wow. I suppose I don't put enough thought towards such trivial bullshit. That really DOES make it a special day. Mind if I take the rest of the afternoon off to celebrate?
Absolutely not. Mind if I bitchslap you for being a sarcastic little prick?

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