All comics by descolada99

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by descolada99
2-09-01
is it "alt+ctrl+del" o r "alt+e+x+p+l+o+d+e"
DAMN you Bill Gates! Damn you to HELL!

 

by descolada99
2-09-01
They say the network will be down for 4 days.
ERROR: Network unavailable
Now how will I get my fix of dailey donkey porn?!?!
Awww yeaaahhhhh! That's what I'm talkin' about!

 

by descolada99
2-09-01
Hey man.. okay.. I got a GREAT joke for ya. You'll LOVE it, I'm sure!
Okay... I could use a pick me up today.
Okay, so if a bunch of cows are playng soccer in a marijuana field, what kind of match is it?
I have no idea....
A HIGH STEAKS MATCH!!!
Shut up... please....

 

by descolada99
2-09-01
So I was watching Survivor 2 the other night. Man I just love...
Don't EVEN say you love that show! It's lowest common denominator entertainment for easily amused and easily fooled masses. Reality Television my ass.
As I was saying, I was watching Survivor 2 the other night and there's this REALLY hot chick who...
Oh, so you just watch it for the objectification of women that takes place on the show. How convenient that the commercial for the "Women Of Survivor" just showed the hot ones.
As I was saying, this chick wanted to know where she could go to mastrubate.
No shit? When's it on?

 

by descolada99
2-09-01
Sometimes I wonder if it all was worth it... the destruction, the death, the raping and pillaging of a civilized society.
[click] Meet the women of Survivor!
But then I remember the first time I saw human television.
[click] Tonight, on a very special episode...
I feel my kind did the universe a great justice.
[click] Is that your final answer?

 

by descolada99
2-09-01
We gather here, friends and loved ones at the grave of John Travolta, a great man of our time.
At least we still have his great films. Battlefield Earth. Urban Coybow. Look Who's Talking Too.
Ahh ahh ahh ahh stayin' alive! Stayin' alive! Ahh ahh ahh ahh stayin' aliiiiiii ieeeaaaaaiaaaaaaveeee
What the hell was that?
I didn't see that one coming at all.

 

by descolada99
2-11-01
Al and Joe take a trip to the moon on the advice of a stranger
Must... Count.... Chads...
Al, I promise, you WON'T find any more chads up here.... seriously.
But I have it on great authority that there's more chads here!
[sigh]
Hehehehe silly robot, the White House is for crack-heads!

 

by descolada99
2-12-01
HI, I'm a vaguely attractive woman that you recognize from that one show that was cancelled halfway through the season two years ago, and I'm here to sell you the Ab-inator
This revolutionary product will sculpt your abs, tone your chest, and wokr your obliques like no othe rproduct on the market.
And don't you know that the ladies love obliques?
What the hell is an oblique?

 

by descolada99
2-13-01
I like to sit here every night, watching.
There he is again... that guy outside our window!
Every night, from 7pm until bedtime.
Call the cops Kaite, this is creepy.
Shit.

 

by descolada99
2-13-01
So there I am, minding my own business shopping for groceries when these two thugs bust in and trash the vegetable section...
Earlier...
Freeze scawny Hu-mons or suffer my wrath!
All your asparagus are belong to us!
The preceding comic was brought to you by Avoiding Homework Industries
I got 2 words for you: Fucked up.

 

by descolada99
2-15-01
So, J. I hear you're graduating in 7 days. Congratulations
Yeah. I'm so excited to get out of this hole of a town and get into the "real world"
So you have a job lined up yet?
Yeah. Job's all set, new apartment, cable, phone, everything. New place is near a great bar. Life is gonna RULE!
Dude, you know you'll have to get up every day before noon now, right? And it won't be acceptable to show up to work hung over.
Shit...

 

by descolada99
2-15-01
A Very Special Valentine's Day Edition...
Come on baby... it's Valentine's Day. I wanna give you my special present.
I love this holiday!
Sometime later....
This has never happened to me before!
Don't worry.. it happens to every guy sometime.
The next day...
...and that's when I knew we'd need the wooden badger.
And she's in to that?! Wow... What a babe... So.... do they make one for guys too?

 

by descolada99
2-18-01
Satan is responsible for 99% of all advertising campaigns.
Available now at Burger King...
Buy one of our new Flava Flav Flavor Milkshakes and get a free Public Enemy Action Figure Set!
I had NOTHING to do with this one. I SWEAR!
Hurry.. this offer only for a limited time!

 

by descolada99
2-19-01
I love watching the Weather Channel. Something about it just soothes me.
A low pressure system is moving though the northwest, bringing with it high winds and heavy rain.
But have you ever noticed the women on that channel? They're all the same - blondes with big breasts and frightening fake eyebrows.
Coming up next, your local forecast.
mmmmm... eyebrows....
*elevator music*

 

by descolada99
2-21-01
Wirthling is sooo fat, he beeps when he walks backwards!
Wirthling is sooo ugly, his parents had to tie a porkchop around his neck so the dog would play with him!
Wirthling is sooo dumb, he got hit by a parked car!
Wirthling sucks sooo much, even *I* don't love him!
Dude, that was harsh.
But I don't! Really! The 11th Commandment says "And lo, the one that shall be called Wirthling will be a fucking loser"

 

by descolada99
2-23-01
Happy birthday to you...
...happy birthday to you...
...you look like a donkey...
...and you smell like one too!!
That's not funny!! I don't smell!!
Yeah, sure...

 

by descolada99
2-25-01
So, what is it that YOU want to do with this company?
I want to work with your company. You are all nifty with nifty products.
Qualifications?
I put up comics on Lowpass for hours. All your bas....
Don't say it!! Get OUT!!! Get OUT NOW!!!
Launch all Zig!!

 

by descolada99
3-15-01
Whatcha been doin' ta keep you away so long Mister?
Well, you know.. ummm.. I got... busy.... couldn't get online... umm yeah. See, there was a little incident... I ... don't like to talk about it...
Awwwww.. you can talk about it to me. I won't t
Well... I went on a rampage and killed at least 30 little vaguely Asian girls in green jumpers... the cops were after me....
But I'm much better now!

 

by descolada99
3-15-01
It's tournament time in the N - C - Double - A
Streaming the games at work all day.
Watching silly mascots dancing free
Can you beleive Stanford's mascot is a tree?!
But my favorite mascot's the Syracuse Orange
Makes you wonder if that school.. is... ummm... ahhh... broinge?

 

by descolada99
3-16-01
We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first Bionic man.
gabe_billings will be that man. Better than he was before.
Better . . . stronger . . . faster.
I can pee far more than a normal human.

 

by descolada99
3-19-01
I pity da foo dat puts me on a plane!
Back in MY day, we pitied all da foos, and we liked it!!!
What choo talkin' bout Willis?
Back in MY day, we never knew what Willis was talkin' 'bout, and we liked it!!!
Is that your FINAL answer?
Back in MY day, we needed to be asked if our answer was final, and we liked it!!! And don't even get me started on all our base!

 

by descolada99
3-19-01
I think my brother is going insane. He told me he talks to himself. Out loud, in public, and for long periods of time.
I actually worry about him. I mean, he's my younger brother. I gotta stick up for him and look out for him I guess.
Ummm dude, you're talking to a squirrel.
Shit... I knew something wasn't quite right here.
Christ, the crap I have to put up with in this place...

 

by descolada99
3-21-01
Lowpass comic strips; Message board user contests; Keep me from working.
Haiku makes me scream; All characters must speak in; Haiku form or else.
Haiku form is this; Lines are based on syllables; Five seven then five.
Try to break up lines; By using semicolons; between all the lines.
There are no more rules; All characters are legal; As well as backgrounds.
Except one last rule; Use any all your base jokes; And you will not win.

 

by descolada99
3-24-01
Charrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrge!!!!
One little mistake.. I was drunk. How was I supposed to know that was the General's tent and not the whores' tent? Now I get stuck at the front of the charge...

 

by descolada99
3-26-01
Where the....
I don't get it..... WHERE THE HELL IS THE EXIT TO THIS DAMN HOUSE OF MIRRORS?!?!
Not until I get my money from your capitalist pig dog government!! And I don't take checks!!

 

by descolada99
3-26-01
Boom chit boom chit boom chit boom chit....
Boom chit boom chit boom chit boom chit....
Boom chit boom chit boom chit boom chit....
Please God... just make it go away..

 

by descolada99
3-30-01
Wuck: "Well Maura, you get to ask three questions to our handsome *snicker* contestant to see whather he is worthy of your hot lovin'"
Okay then... What is your idea of the perfect date with me?
Well, first I'd pick you up in my AMC Pacer and we'd go to McDonalds for dinner. We'd wrap up the evening at my parents house where I live in the basement.....
Wuck: "Uh huh.... well, Maura, question number 2?""
If you could be any part of an automobile, what part would you be and why?
Sonuvabitch, that's an easy one! Since I haven't had a date in 2 years, so I'd definitely be the jack.... wait, that's not part of the car is it?
Wuck: "Umm yeah... you sure you want to ask the third question cutie? Why don't you just go out with me?"
I've just had 13 jell-o shots followed up with 4 Guinnesses, and am totally shit-faced. What are you thinking right now?
Mmmmm.... giant vibrator....

 

by descolada99
3-31-01
1 Year Later: The Late Late Late Late Show
...and that's the story of my affair with Bob Dole and the alien abduction which left my ass stretched wider than the Grand Canyon. What do you think?
My God... I think you are on crack!
Ohmigod! I totally forgot that part. It was right after the alien had had his way with me and dumped me in a back alley in LA along with Robert Downey Jr.
I gotta get a new producer...
Shortly After The Alien Abduction...
Mmmm Robert... you're even better than that asshole Bob! He would always moan "mmm do Bob Dole! Bob Dole likes that!" It was creepy.
Uhhh... what just happened? Where am I? Oh God I did it again... I need to call my agent...

 

by descolada99
4-02-01
Deep In The Australian Outback...
Now.. we have to be very very quiet. The Mad Kangaroo is an easily startled and dangerous prey....
boing ... boing ... boing ...
Once started, the Mad Kangaroo will go into a rage and pummel its enemy to death, foaming at the mouth like a homeless person after one too many bad acid flashbacks.
boing ... boing ... boing ... boi... SCREEEEECHH
Something goes awry
Ohh God.... Oh Lord make the pain stop!!! Pleaseeeee!!!! Ahhhhhhh noooo!! Run!! Run away!!

 

by descolada99
4-02-01
I come from a rural area of Indiana, where the people own big pickup trucks and either are farmers with big trailers full of hay, or auto parts workers with fishing boat trailers.
And while it may not be a disease, per se, they all have this really bad habit while driving their cars (even if that car is a Pinto with no tail lights and a rusted muffler).
Whenever they make a turn, they feel the need to swing way out the other way and then make the turn, as if they're hauling a trailer behind them.
It's really quite infuriating. It makes me want to pull out my 9 and start cappin' their fucking hick asses..
Due to the violent, sick rantings of descolada99, this strip has been censored and we pray that he seeks the help he needs. We now return you to your normal lowpass comics...
....and boy were my arms tired!

 

by descolada99
4-02-01
Damn I'm so horny. I haven't gotten laid in way too long. But I'm tired of all the brainless hunks out there.
I want a man that can make me laugh too. With God as my witness, I promise never to just care about looks anymore.
You rang?
Me and my big mouth...

 

by descolada99
4-02-01
Gabe stumbles into the Altar To Anubis on his trip to Egypt
Behold! I am Anubis, Egyptian God of embalming and protection of cemeteries! How dare you disturb my slumber!
Dude... you've really slipped in your old age. Divine Worship not paying the bills?
Shit.... I forgot to change. You caught me while performing at some 5 year old's birthday party. Life sure isn't what is uesed to be.
I bet your mother likes it that way. You know, no more late night benders with Amen-Ra.
Back off buddy! Just give that Jesus character a couple thousand more years. He'll probably be doing Van Halen covers at bar-mitsvahs.

 

by descolada99
4-03-01
Hi there folks! I'm shameless plug Jon! This is where jason puts shamelss plugs to his websites.
If you wanna see his website, go to http://www.xtra-rant.com/
For a silly parody of Cisco and Sisqo, go to http://sisqosystems.xtra-rant.com/
For an HTML primer he made 6 years ago and it still gets linked to, go to http://html.xtra-rant.com/
Check out the serial comics we're doing on the message board at http://serialcomics.xtra-rant.com/
Jason, you are such a loser...

 

by descolada99
4-04-01
Hey there sexy. I got a great joke for ya. Wanna hear it?
Sure, why not. Although I think I did this before and regretted it.
Okay, what do you call a defibulator after it's been smeared with honey and given to a pack of angry chinchillas?
I have no clue...

 

by descolada99
4-05-01
And then something went BUMP! How that bump made us jump! We looked! Then we saw him step in on the mat! We looked! And we saw him! The Cat in the Hat!
And he said to me, "Why do you sit there like that? I know she is wet And the wood is not woody. But we can have lots of good fun that is funny! I know some good games we could play," Said the cat.
"I know some new tricks," Said the Cat in the Hat. "A lot of good tricks. I will show them to you. Your honey will not mind at all if I do. Why, we can have lots of good fun, if you wish, with a game
that I call UP-UP-UP with a one eyed fish! It will not let you fall. It will hold you up tall as she plays with a ball. With a book on one hand! And a cup on my hat! But that is not ALL it can do!"
"Viagra's the answer to cure all your ills. Put off all your chores and overdue bills. Spend all your money on little blue pills.
If your honey has left you to go smoke a bong, because your poor johnson doesn't get big and strong, tell her to come back and smoke on your dong.

 

by descolada99
4-06-01
Sunday Sunday Sunday! Come to Bubba Joe's Dirt Track And Discount Heavy Machinery for some HOT RACING ACTION!
What! Did that commercial just say "Hot Lesbian Action"?
No, dumbass! Hot RACING Action! Sunday Sunday Sunday!
There! It said it again! Hot Lesbian Action!
Moron.
I love this town!

 

by descolada99
4-06-01
Hey kids! It's time for Sexually Suggestive Word Of The Day!
Todays word is "turgid", meaning "being in a state of distension".
I'll use it in a sentace for you. "If you look closely, you can see my turgid wang"

 

by descolada99
4-06-01
Hey, did you hear about the newest pointless Hollywood movie sequel?
Scary Movie 2.
Do they have no shame? What next, "I Swear, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. I Have Picture Of You With That Donkey"

 

by descolada99
4-06-01
Welcome To Two Word Funnies, where the joke is only two words long!
Today's presenters will be The Two Vaguely Asian Girls! Give 'em a round of applause!
Tony
Danza

 

by descolada99
4-06-01
Welcome back to Two Word Funnies, where we know you're busy and give you two word jokes!
Okay, we've brought in a very special guest today. Give it up for President George W. Bush!!
Nuclear Pro..lifer..ilation.

 

by descolada99
4-06-01
Welcome once again to another exciting episode of Two Word Funnies!
Today's presenters come straight outta Da Bible. You know 'em, you love 'em...
Hanging out. hehehehe
Seriosuly man, that's not funny. Hey! This wasn't in my contract!`

 

by descolada99
4-09-01
Aufmerksamkeit Männer! Genitale Vergrößerung ist jetzt in Ihrem Bereich vorhanden. Haben Sie das schlong Ihrer Träume!
OH-. mein. GOTT! Ich benötige dieses! Die Damen lieben mich!
Unsere Penisvacumpumpe vergrößert sicher Ihre Genitals. Aufruf 1-800-BIG-DONG heute!
Süß! Wo ist das Telefon?
Hallo? Ist dieses, wo ich ein grösseres dick erhalten kann?
Ja! Ein anderer Kunde! Die diese Hoffnung des jsut I irgendjemandes privates drehen nicht diesen böseen Farbton des Grüns.

 

by descolada99
4-09-01
Being the defaults, the constant stupidity forced upon these characters begins to catch up with Asian Girl On The Left
Hello sailor man.
Shut up.
Me love you long time.
I said shut up bitch!
Sucky sucky fi dolla
Damnit bitch, you're giving us a bad image! It's not like we don't get enough crap on this site!

 

by descolada99
4-09-01
Hey there! I'm back from my week in Milwaulkee!
Hey! How was it? Did your contest go well?
Not bad. We worked our asses off and did pretty good. Practiced a ton.
Ahhh so.. umm.. you sore from all the work you guys did?
Not yet. But I will be tomorrow. Wanna come over?

 

by descolada99
4-09-01
Hello esteemed readers! Welcome to the fourth edition of Two Word Funnies!
Today's guest is that androgynous, pink, dokey-cow thing!
red-assed baboon.

 

by descolada99
4-11-01
Welcome! Welcome one and all to the Stripcreator Flame War Of The Ages, starring Bunnerab and Johnnysokko!
We all suck.
Well you don't have to read it bitch!
It ended up being very underwhelming.
Go surf for nudie pictures of your mom!
No, I'll go find pictures of your mom!

 

by descolada99
4-11-01
Hey man. You see that horse over there? Godddd she's a hot little filly! I'd like to get my lips on hers!
Where? I can't see nothin'.
Right there. Behind that tree.
Well, I gotta little Chinese proverb for ya. "Donkey's lips don't fit onto a horse's mouth"
Well, do they fit on yours?
urp

 

by descolada99
4-11-01
Hey baby. Wanna go back to my place?
Buzz off you old creep.
Ever hear the proverb "Children suck the mother when they are young and the father when they are old."?
Can I be your daddy?
urp.

 

by descolada99
4-11-01
A bird in hand is better than two in the bush.
Umm, that's probably not the best proverb to be saying on here sis.
I'm tellin' ya. Quit giving them that look. You know what's going to happen.
Anyone got a couple 'birds' I can borrow?
And I'mgonna be stuck here having to watch...

 

by descolada99
4-13-01
Hah!! The silly hu-mans are so easy to destroy!
We are invinceable! Nothing can defeat us except our mortal enemy...
Humanity's savior arrives...
But they'll never get Sodomy Donkey here in time! Bwahahahahaha
shhhhhh don't let him know I'm here... I wanna sneak up on him...

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