All comics by mikeweeney

Profile

 

by mikeweeney
8-19-02
Goin' to get them there darkies... yup yup galdern right.
I hate stupid people. A lot.
That is so fucking racist you asshole!! I hope all the dumb people of the world gang up and beat the shit out of you.
You know, she might be worse than the first guy...
Boy, I sure told him.

 

by mikeweeney
9-10-02
Damn punk ass kids
Dude!! I just burned your guys' new cd and it's so fucking rad!
Wait, you didn't buy it?!?
Naw man, my buddy gave it to me, and man it is SICK!!!
You damn punk ass kid, you're gonna make me end up getting a job asking "would you like fries with that?"
But it doesn't matter man, I can feel the message in your music, I feel it inside of me... that's what matters right?
NO. What matters is I better FEEL some goddam cash in my wallet, or you're going to be FEELING the MESSAGE of my FIST!!

 

by mikeweeney
9-27-02
Watch out reader... these girls know all.
Hi! I'm reading your mind right now!
Yes, us weird, evil looking little girls can read your mind, reader!
Hmmm.... that's not very nice.
Yeah, there's some pretty sick shit in there...
You want to do what to me?!?
Wow, I didn't even know that that was physically possible.

 

by mikeweeney
9-27-02
So now we know all the sick twisted fantasies that live within your sad little mind.
Yes, I was actually quite interested...
Shut up you. Anyway, I found the root of these fantasies hidden deep within your memories, locked away.
I picked that lock!!!
I was speaking metaphorically, genius.
oh, right

 

by mikeweeney
9-27-02
So anyway, would you like to know what it is we found that caused all your sickness?
No? Well, we'll tell you anyway.
The short answer is... television. Television did this to you.
And as an extension of television, videogames as well.
Not very surprising, huh? Don't feel bad, there are a lot of people just like you.
Well, not just like you. That sordid escapade involving your dog, the bottle opener, and your grandma's panties, I must say is pretty unique.

 

by mikeweeney
9-27-02
Dubya
Now shouldn't it be I-R-A-Q-U ? I mean, that's what they taught us back in grade school. Damn Saddam, I'll take over his country just so I can rename it something more natural, like 'San Antonio'.
Britney Spears
First I was proud to be a virgin, and that sold records... then I didn't deny that I had had sex, and that sold records. Next step: hardcore pornography. I'll sell millions!!
Martha Stewart
Damn, now that they've found out about the insider trading, it's only a matter of time before I'm found out... Guess it's time to shed the facade. World, say hello to your old friend SATAN.

 

by mikeweeney
9-29-02
A kindly old grandmother making her family a delicious meal.
Ok, add in some oregano, a clove of garlic, a dash of red pepper to make them sweat, a sprig of parsely...
Now, the only thing left to do is to cut the cheese.
Grandma, something stinks in here!

 

by mikeweeney
9-29-02
Hey there sexy thang. What say we go back to my place so I can plug my Long Prong into your love jack.
Wow, really?!? Of course! I need to get laid soo bad!
Whoa, that never worked before... what do I do now?
Suddenly, fear takes over.
Gotta go!
Was it something I said?

 

by mikeweeney
9-29-02
After a few minutes, and a few puffs on his inhaler, Nerd man returns.
Hello, I'm back.
Hi, still wanna fuck?
Um... I dunno. Why would you want to?
You see, I love you nerd types. All flabby and sweaty and gross, you make me realize how much better I am than you. To achieve the full effect, I have to sleep with you.
That's cool with me. Let's go!
Run nerd man, run. Methinks I'm going to be feeling extra good tonight.

 

by mikeweeney
9-30-02
After ten beautiful minutes, in a blaze of sweat and semen, the deed was done. A few minutes later:
*sigh* That was very nice, nerd man.
Yeah, so um...
That was great and all, but we need to break up.
But YOU can't dump ME! You're a nerd!
Hey, just because It's 7 of 9 on my wall instead of Pamela Anderson doesn't mean I'm lacking a Y chromosome.

 

by mikeweeney
9-30-02
Nerd man loses control.
...just like every other fucking asshole out there! Goddam you! Goddam you to hell! Go back to your games and shove your joystick up you...
Alright, enough of this shit.
Nerd man revels in his rage.
Nerd man is content.
*gurgle*
Wow, this is better than I could ever have imagined.

 

by mikeweeney
9-30-02
Dude, you're such a bitchass.
Dickfore!
HA! Is that the best you can do? Loser!
Checkmate.
I got it! Hey, you remember that big soccer game that you lost for the team? Well at the same time I was fucking your little sister under the bleachers. Man was she tight.

 

by mikeweeney
10-01-02
So, this pirate walks into a bar. The bartender does a double take and says to him
"Sir do you know you have a steering wheel attached to your zipper?" To which the pirate replies
YAR! It's driving me nuts.

 

by mikeweeney
10-02-02
If the whole subject of physics could be embodied into a single, human essence, and I met him on the street:
I'm PHYSICS!
Oh no, by killing physics, I have inadverdantly destroyed the known universe. Damn you phyics! Damn you to hell!
Must stab with every last ounce of disintegrating strength.

 

by mikeweeney
10-05-02
Today on "As the World Burns" : Kyle tells Sheradan that he's leaving her because she has breast cancer.
But it's not my fault!! I was able to look past how the bomb blew off every piece of flesh from your arms and legs, and your hideous facial disfigurement, but you can't look past this?
Hey, at least I waited to see if the radiation from the blast would cure you. Now that it hasn't, I'm leaving you for Kelly. At least with her I won't be afraid of it falling off in my hand.
OOOh, I just HATE that Kyle Chambers so much. He is so insensitive! I hope that bitch Kelly that he's running off to finds out what an asshole he is!
Oh I KNOW, if I could just get my hands around his flesh-less little neck...

 

by mikeweeney
10-14-02
Ha ha, we just got back from Reel Big Fish and man it rocked!
I'm sure it did... I would have loved to have gone, but I had to do homework.
Homework?!? That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard! Dork!
Ok, alright you got me, I wasn't doing JUST homework.
Oh yeah? What else?
Your mother, in various strange and wonderful positions, you fucking filthy shit-ass bitch motherfucking cunt whore.

 

by mikeweeney
10-14-02
"...Which leaves you with a differential equation, but I won't make you solve that here."
Hey! We know how to do that! We just learned that in calc the other day!
Let's solve it ourselves for fun!
*working diligently*
*excited by solving*
So, now that we're done with that, who's going to give the other a wedgie first?
Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me!

 

by mikeweeney
10-17-02
Hello there my little pookie-wookie! I have somebody for you to meet!
uh-oh...
"Meet my new pet, and your new friend, Petrie."
Actually my name is Vladimir, but I let her call me that to keep her pacified.
Um, right. So hello, I'm Grimes.
Mr. Grimes, we have some arrangements to make... I'm going to need your help in my plan to CONQUER THE WORLD.
I think I'm going to resume my drinking habit tonight...

 

by mikeweeney
10-17-02
You do know you're just an owl in a suit, right?
Oh, I am in a crisp suit and tie, but there is no JUST about it.
Ok, whatever, but you are just a pet... you can't DO anything, nobody'll take you seriously.
Just a facade, which I will shed when the glorious time is come.
I think I hate you already.
Ah, perfect.... the world's best leaders are the most hated. It begins...

 

by mikeweeney
10-17-02
...First we must put into place a vast underground network of contacts and spies...
I'm hungry. I want some grass.
...smuggle in mass quantities of small automatic weapons, a nuke if possible...
I wonder which Simspsons rerun will be on tonight?
...and when the time is right, we strike!
I think I'm going to take a dump on his feet now.

 

by mikeweeney
10-22-02
Hi, this is Mike. I would just like to say that Mr. Grimes and Vladimir were not turning out as funny as I thought they would.
So, I have decided to banish them and never speak of it again.
Drat! We have been foiled, Mr. Grimes, but we will come back, yes...
I'm going to see to it that you become Satan's personal love slave.

 

by mikeweeney
10-23-02
Submitting the Gospels to the Bible cencorship committee:
And the giant man came out of the sky in a blaze of fire, and smiteth Jesus with his staff of death.
I'm sorry, but that's just too violent.
But it's what happened!
I'm sorry but it will have to go. Think of something better but less enflaming to the mind.
Today.
..."And then he just sorta sat up there until he died." How fucking stupid is that?
I'm bored. Let's go down the street and throw rocks at the retarded kids.

 

by mikeweeney
10-23-02
"Today on the Jerry Springer show: Prenatal Incest"
I have here today a woman who says her unborn twins get it on ALL the time.
It's true Jerry. Sometimes they're so loud and rambunctious, they keep me up at night.
Live feed from In-utero Cam:
Well what do you expect?
I mean, with 9 months confinement together, what else is there to do?
Jerry's Final Thought:
Twin lesbians are cool.
JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!

 

by mikeweeney
10-27-02
I have something I have to get off my chest.
**sigh** Fine, I'll bite. What is it?
THIS TERRIBLE FLESH-EATING ALIEN!!! AAAAUUUUGGHH!
AAAAAAAAUUUUGH!

 

by mikeweeney
11-03-02
Dad, When do I get my cut?
Well I don't know... what do you want?
... $200.
Done.
And bitches. Lots of bitches.
Sure thing son.

 

by mikeweeney
11-03-02
Hey, dude, you should watch the movie Ghost in the Shell.
Why? Is it good?
Oh yeah. It's like the Matrix, only animated.
Nothing can beat the Matrix. It can't be done.
How about the Matrix with Neo being a hot female cyborg who hunts her prey naked?
Well I'll be damned.

 

by mikeweeney
11-08-02
Everything I say has already come out of some other person's mouth.
I am not original.
I will never be original.
All that is left is to copy and repeat what others have done.
RAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
*sigh*

 

by mikeweeney
11-15-02
#1: Sephiroth was one mean motherfucker.
Oh no, it's like he's looking at ME through the flames!! AAAUUUGGHH!!
#2: Cloud was one messed up motherfucker.
Who are you Cloud? Who are you really? It's ok to cry...
#3-50 all revolve around how hot Aeris was and her tragic death.
*sniff* But Paw, ah jus don' gettit. Why'd sommim so purty haf tah go so soon?
Ah just don' know son. Ah'd rip out mah own heart and give it to her if it'd make her alive agin. *Sob*

 

by mikeweeney
11-23-02
Yeah, so I was at the zoo today, and I saw this giant snake... it was amazing. It really took my breath away.
That's cool man.
But only until the handlers came and got it off me. WHEW! was that scary!

 

by mikeweeney
11-23-02
It was a dark and stormy night. Jolted out of his reverie by a figure in the road, John skidded to a halt. He pulled up to the man and cautiously rolled down his window.
"What are you doing out here on such a terrible night?" he asked the man. "Killing people," the man replied ominously. "Oh, cool." And then he drove off.
The End.
Maybe I should work on that a little...

 

by mikeweeney
11-23-02
It was a dark and stormy night. Jolted out of his reverie by a figure in the road, John stepped on the gas. The man in the road was catapaulted over the car, smashed into pieces.
John laughed and said "Stupid man". As he laughed to himself, he failed to notice another man in the road. The man shot John's gas tank and blew up the car.
The End.
Wow, I'm so good it sends chills down my spine.

 

by mikeweeney
11-23-02
It was a dark and stormy night. Jolted out of his reverie by a figure in the road, John put on his wig. "Howdy, handsome stranger," John says to the man, "Would you like a ride?" John winks.
The man eagerly got in the car. The were both eager. Everything was great until the man found out John was a man. Then the man was disgusted, and wanted to leave. John had to kill him.
The end.
*sniff* What a tragic tale. I have to stop writing these tear-jerkers.

 

by mikeweeney
11-23-02
It was a dark and stormy night. Jolted out of his reverie by a figure in the road, John skidded to a halt. It was his mother turning tricks, giving blowjobs for only $10!
John thought to himself, "Damn that's the best deal in town!" So John let his mother pleasure him, and they were closer than ever.
The End.
Oh, if only my fiction could become reality!

 

by mikeweeney
11-23-02
It was a dark and stormy night. Jolted out of his reverie by a figure in the road, John skidded to a halt. He realized the figure in the road was a giant Red Robot!"RAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!
John was cornholed by Tobor.
The End.
Damn stripcreator.com, ruining my imagination...

 

by mikeweeney
11-24-02
It was a dark and stormy night. Jolted out of his reverie by a figure in the road, John skidded to a halt. There was terrifyingly terrible beast in the road, and it was headed right for John!!
Suddenly the rain stopped and the sun came out and the birds started to sing. The scary creature was just a beautiful doe; John let it lick his hand. John smiled and laughed, overjoyed.
The End.
For some odd reason, I find this version a little lacking...

 

by mikeweeney
11-24-02
It was a dark and stormy night. Jolted out of his reverie by a figure in the road, John skidded to a halt. Suddenly, a lightning flash revealed the killer to be right outside his window!
Disgusted, Paul turned off the late-night movie. "What piece of over-cliched crap!" he muttered to himself. Mad that he had wasted so much of his time on such drivel, Paul went and got drunk.
The End.
I think I might be getting too cynical for this.

 

by mikeweeney
12-01-02
...And don't you just hate it when your fast food soda cup lids don't fit right? I mean, you go to the trouble of filling it up, and then the lids are all too big or too small!
*chirp chirp*
I mean, what's up with that?
You SUCK Seinfeld!

 

by mikeweeney
12-16-02
After taking two finals in a row on 4 hours sleep, preparing to study for another final tomorrow morning:
I'm going to die.
Stop exaggerating.
*thud*
Crybaby...

 

by mikeweeney
12-28-02
The producers of Men In Black 2 asked me to be in their movie, but I turned them down. It's a good thing too; that movie was terrible!
Oh I know! What a fucking shitbag of a movie! The acting was bad, it wasn't funny, and that dog... that dog...
Um, are you ok?
*SOB*
*Flash back* On the set of Men in Black 2:
I'm sorry Mr. Shark, but we're replacing your clever, humorous character with an inane dog that nobody will like.
NOOOOOOO!!

 

by mikeweeney
12-28-02
Wow, I'm so lucky. After that sweet-ass gig in MIB2, I'm living the high life, walking on this ball for money.
Bravo, Bravo! Encore!
Hello, you fucking unfunny shit-eater you. How're things?
Hey fuck you asshole! ...Oh wait, I remember you. You're the loser who's part I stole.
That is correct, and I have come for my revenge... TAKE THAT!! MWAH HA HA HA HA!
Oh no! Now I'm Michael Jackson, the only person in the movie who was worse than me! Kill me please!

 

by mikeweeney
12-29-02
o/ These are the people in your neighborhood, in your neighborhood, in your neighborhood. /o
... and so EVERYBODY can be your friend, no matter how different they are. All you need is love!
And CUT! Alright, nice job Baby Bear, take five.
o/ They're the people that you meet when you're walking down the street, /o
Goddam fucking bullshit! I hate this job! ...Oh, hi there Oscar, you look blue... er, sad. What's wrong?
Ah, nothing. Well, it's just that my grouchy demeaner isn't really getting me the ladies, and I REALLY need to get laid.
o/ They're the people that you meet each day! /o
Well I'm not sure, but I have a friend named "Baby Brown Eye" that I think may be able to help you.
Wonderful! I think Mr. Baby Brown Eye and my buddy Grouchy Green Gonads will be coming together very soon. *grin*

 

by mikeweeney
1-24-03
Breakfast Club
I'm Emilio Estevez, teen sensation!
I'm Molly Ringwald, and I suck the coc-... er, look pretty!
Club sandwhich (*Note: stolen dialogue)
MMMmmmmm, open faced club sandwhich
PEN 15 club
You see, it's funny because the 1 and the 5 look like an I and an S.

 

by mikeweeney
1-24-03
Fight Club
I'm sane.
HA!
Silence of the Lambs
I'm sane.
Please don't eat my face.
Makers of Scooby-Doo
I'm sane... it was a good idea, and made lots of money!!!
Just because the masses are idiots doesn't mean you shouldn't kill yourself as soon as possible.

 

by mikeweeney
2-07-03
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves."
Uh, don't you remember? In some lab a few years ago they actually did generate gravitons with rotor turbines.
Oh right, yes. Well- ...hmmm. Do we have anything else?
Nope, I believe that's it.

 

by mikeweeney
2-07-03
I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is.
It's when she finally lets you give her anal!

Showing page 1.

Next »