street performance by areallystupidguy 1-22-04

business is horrible. i play my harmonica as good as i can but no one is stopping to give me any money. you're going about this business all wrong. what do you mean? well... have you ever heard of the most famous street performer ever, the naked cowboy? 2 hours later... i'm going to make you pay for this. hey, it wasn't my idea for you to start masturbating and jumping on everybody...

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It's grime time.

One day at the Robot Courthouse... by habnem 7-30-03

Hey! Who do I have to blow to get a birth certificate around here?

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- christ@myself.com - fuck a cat, kill yourself - my alter ego has five stars

One day at the Robot Courthouse... (2) by Rabid_Weasle 1-24-04

You rang?

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Poop.

If by little_kitty 1-24-04

If Jesus Were a Snowman He surely shat himself on Calgary, AB today.

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Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.

Glass by ObiJo 1-25-04

Some people see the glass as half empty. Some as half full. So I've put some water in a glass and will now look at it to determine which I am. Someone has stolen my glass.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

Obijo is a Magnificent Bastard!

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"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

Weenie Roast by niteowl 1-26-04

Presented by Comedy Central. We're here tonight to roast Oscar Mayer. He seems to think everyone's in love with him, but we all know he's made of lips and assholes. Mostly assholes.

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Think classy, you'll be classy.

I think I'll double rate him as such!

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

Oops... meant to post that with my gabe_billings account.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

The Matrix Refilled by ObiJo 1-30-04

Morpheus! Yes, Sarah, it is I. Does this mean I am the one?! No, Sarah, but you are the two. The two? What does the two do? She gets me a Whopper and a Sprite.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

Bear Hands by Drexle 2-06-04

You think you're bad? I kill dorks like you with my bear hands. Yeah, I'm real afraid of death threats from the internet... especially from idiots who don't even know how to spell "bare." ROAR!

lewling at Drexle.

VC++ Jokes: De-bug Assertion Failed (Illegal Pointer) by jes_lawson 2-10-04

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

Photojournalistic Ethics by kaufman 2-10-04

So there I was on a hillside, biggest flood in a century sending a torrent raging beneath me, carrying off houses, vehicles, livestock, when suddenly I see ... The current's carrying the most famous lawyer in the state in my direction. I know I can take that picture and be immortalized with a Pulitzer, or I can reach down and save his life. I only had a fraction of a second to make that decision that would affect me for the rest of my life: Color or Black and White?

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

The other Kerry by jes_lawson 2-11-04

I see that Kerry won. Yes, he's a shoe-in for the Democratic nomination now. I was talking about "I'm a Celebrity"... Get me out of here...

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

A set of unrelated comics I dredged up just now...

Really stupid crap #1 by codehappykid 2-11-04

MOSES! huh MOSES! wut GO CLIMB A MOUNTAIN!!! fuck

Really stupid crap #2 by codehappykid 2-11-04

oh how I LOVE you-u-u-u! awesome.

Really stupid crap #3 by codehappykid 2-11-04

Welcome to Hell, I'll be your guide, the showers are over there, I just LOVE your tail Where the fuck is Satan?

Really stupid crap #4 by codehappykid 2-11-04

CHECK OUT MY HAIR! Well garsh, it's generatin' gravitons! AAAAH!

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HALPUU!

A Coleridge Kick by niteowl 3-08-04

Hey, did you hear about Jay-Z and his new spoken word audiobook tribute to Coleridge? It's called "Rhyme Of The Ancient Mariner". Marcel Marceau did one too, it was called "Mime Of The Ancient Mariner". Oh, and did you hear about Mr. Clean's "Grime Of The Ancient Mariner"? Excuse me whilst I locate my crossbow, for you are my albatross, and you've shit on me long enough.

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Think classy, you'll be classy.

Squeal Like a Rock Star by kaufman 3-25-04

Go, Ned Beatty, go! Hey, did you hear they're working on a remake of Deliverance? Oh, please, no! Not another butchering of a timeless classic! Lord only knows what liberties they'll take with the script. I haven't heard. All I know is they're moving the setting from Georgia to New Jersey. Let me guess ... the theme song is now going to be Dueling Bonjovis?

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Insomnia by TheGovernor 2-13-04

I still can't sleep, its a total bummer man Have you tried counting sheep? (68 x 34+(99/3) +5)/10 =235, the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the square of the opposite sides, pi=3.142 Well did it work? No, but I got an "A" on my maths test.

Kaufman, you are a god.

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Poop.

Lil' Spankling by Spankling 3-27-04

Nice Wack! [gwovel]

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

If this isn't brilliant, I don't know WHAT is.

The Buzz by MrSelectiveQuote 4-12-04

Bzzz bzzz bzzz? Buzz buzz bzz bzz buzz. "Buzz buzz bzz bzz buzz." Bzzz buzz bzz bzz? Bzz bzz bzz buzz buzz BZZZ! "Buzz buzz fuck that fat piece of shit cop bzz bzz buzz."

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

The New Hire by kaufman 5-03-04

Hello? Ginny, it's me. I aced the interview. They offered me the job. I'll be the new sales representative for all of South Carolina. The whole state? Yup, Charleston, Columbia, Spartanburg, Dillon, Hilton Head, Orangeburg, Aiken, Clemson, Myrtle Beach, you name it. Wait a minute. I told you that no husband of mine is gonna do any work in Santee, South Carolina. You did get that put in your contract, didn't you? Yes, Virginia. There is a Santee clause.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I got this idea from the new FTC contest, but it didn't quite fit there.

The Birds and the Bees by kaufman 5-07-04

Daddy, where did I come from? Well, honey, there are two tiny components that when they come together, they develop into a person. Oh, you mean the sperm and the egg? Not exactly. Those are just in the fictional world daddy writes about. But the idea is similar here... Come look at the pictures in this biology book ...

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Bitten Off More Than He Could Poo? by smamurai 5-12-04

Bernie has an eating problem. Fat Bernie? Yes, he always goes to the toilet after lunch. I followed him today and now I know why? Gross! Did you find vomit all over the toilet? No, I found a stick of butter, a loaf and a large pack of cheese slices sealed in a plastic bag floating in the cistern. The dirty bastard.

You've Changed But I Haven't by smamurai 5-12-04

Sup? Look at the state of your boxers. You mean 'cos one of my balls is hanging out right? Yes and the other one looks like it's wearing a string vest. You wouldn't have worn those when we first started dating. But I did wear these when we first started dating? Yes and they looked good then, but that was 4 years ago.

It's..... Scatological..... Captain by smamurai 5-12-04

No! Yes! Mom, I won't do it on general principle. We'll see about that. GENERAL PRINCIPLE? Look I don't care who does it but I am not leaving here till someone shits on my head. And for the last time I am a Captain not a General.

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.