This was a one note character that happened to go on for 19 notes.

Bill Ivey, lame ass high school principal by mmyers 5-04-04

Hey cool guy. Any reason why you're wearing those sun glasses in doors? My future's so bright, I gotta wear shades. I think your girl friend is so skanky you've got to wear two condoms. No sunglasses in-doors, Romeo. Um, you know that kid is blind, right? Of course he is. Only a blind kid would dress like that.

Bill Ivey, lame ass high school principal (2) by mmyers 5-04-04

Hey Britney J-Lo, don't you think that skirts a pussy hair too short? Dude, you are like some pervert/weird-o/ freak, okay? True or untrue as that may be, the fact remains that skirts are to touch the knee and yours doesn't. You'll have to go change into your PE clothes and wear those around today. This is a freaking load, man. You know, when I was in school, watching a girl drink a milk shake was considered 2nd base. I think it's important that you know, Principal Ivey, that I know Tai-bo.

Bill Ivey, lame ass high school principal (3) by mmyers 5-05-04

Hey Jessie Owens, where's the fire? Man, get out of the way. I gotta get to the bathroom. Oh contraire mon frere, all you've GOT to do is die, pay taxes, and not run in my hallway, not neccesarily in that order. Look man, I gotta piss bad. Move outta the way! You kids like the rap n' roll, right? Here's a rap for ya: If you don't have a PASS keep your ASS in CLASS. Wicky-wicky. *Bass, how low can you go?* *It's getting hot in here-uh* Wicky-wicky. Man, you are so lame.

Bill Ivey, lame ass high school principal (4) by mmyers 5-05-04

Mr I, there's a parent here for a conference with you. Excellent Ms Tasslebrook. Please hold my calls, and while you're at it, hold all my bird calls. heh-heh. Nice one, Mr I. _______________ I'll bet. ________________ Bird calls. Very funny. I gotta a million. _____________ I'm on a roll. ____________ Yep. Yes ma'am. Bird calls. heh. She's waiting. Right.

Bill Ivey, lame ass high school principal (5) by mmyers 5-05-04

Hey hey hey, have a seat. What can I do you for? I'll be brief, Principal Ivey. My daughter, Megan Mosley, came home crying yesterday because she said that you said that she was fat. Well she is. A head cheerleader walking around with her gut hanging out like that, I nearly threw up my Hot Pocket. Mr Ivey, Megan is pregnant. Heh, guess she was a little more than a HEAD cheerleader, if you catch my drift and I think you do. You are a subhuman.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Bill Ivey, lame ass high school principal (6) by mmyers 5-05-04

So then I said, "Well Megan Mosley must have been a little more than a HEAD cheerleader" Hahaha! Get it? Yes...brilliant. Leave me alone. So I say, "Well Megan Mosley must have been a little more than a HEAD cheerleader" Boo-yah, right? Right? I'm running late for driver's ed. Catch me later. So then I sez, I sez, "Well Megan Mosley must have been a little more than a HEAD cheerleader" You know, 'cause she's pregnant? Hahaha! Bang time! I'm Megan Mosley.

Bill Ivey, lame ass high school principal (7) by mmyers 5-10-04

Principal Ivey, please step into my office. Sure thing, Mr. Super Intendent. What can I do you for? Hehehe...eh...I don't mean that in a gay way. Look, Bill, we've got to let you go. Because of your constant slip ups and saying inappropriate things, we can't keep you on staff. Is this because you're gay and I'm not? Some kind of sexual tension between us? You want me, can't have me and it drives you crazy? I'll take your silence as a yes.

Bill Ivey, lame ass (8) by mmyers 5-10-04

Dat's a damn shame, der Bill, you losin' yer jab and all. Yeah! Over practically nothing! Well uh, what're yer plans now den? Not sure. Guess I'll have to start looking for another job, maybe file for unemployment, and talk to a lawyer and see if I have a case against the school. After I get off work over der, I'ma thinkin' about goin' over and watchin' the cheerleaders practice, you know, to relax over der, drink a beer behind the stadium. You wanna come? I'll get my coat and cooler out of my trunk.

Bill Ivey, Lame Ass (9) by mmyers 5-11-04

A bar... Can't believe I lost my job...(grumble grumble)...stupid board of education...(grumble)...I deserve better... Pardon me. Did I hear you say something about wrongful termination? Who the hell are you and where did you come from? Where ever there are frivolous lawsuits, I will be there. Wherever there are minor incidents that can me parleyed into major cash, I'll be there. I'm A. Big Owl, attorney-at-law, and I want to represent you in a court case against the school.

Bill Ivey, Lame ass (10) by mmyers 5-11-04

In Court.... Now listen carefully to me. Do exactly as I say and do not deviate...oh dear me. What? What's the problem? "It seems that the school board is being represented by my natural predatory enemy; Levin, Middlebrook, and a Very Large Rabbit." (whisper whisper) (whisper whisper) So, we meet again, old friend. I heard you recently lost that big Tortoise v. Hare case. Tough break. How many times do you have to be licked in court before you give up, Mr Owl? A one? A two? A three? A three.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Bill Ivey, Lame ass (11) by mmyers 5-11-04

Now Mr SuperIntendent, there have been allegations against you of homosexual advances toward Mr Ivey. Let me ask you, where did you work before you worked for the school system? I worked for Cox Communications as a marketing director. I'm sorry, I'm a little hard of hearing. For whom did you work, and could you yell it, please? I USED TO WORK FOR COX! I rest my case. I knew I never should have taken that job.

Bill Ivey, lame ass (12) by mmyers 5-11-04

Mr SuperIntendent, your sexual orientation withstanding, do you find Mr Ivey to be an attractive man? I think Mr Ivey is repulsive enough to consider turning straight just so we wouldn't be in the same dating pool. No interest what's so ever? I can honestly say that I would rather have tobasco sauce poured into my pee hole than have a physical relationship with Mr Ivey. Your honor, if I could objectify to this line of questioning for a moment. Gay dudes are always hitting on me at the store and stuff. Also, may I add, you have perky knockers. 10 minute resess while I vomit.

Bill Ivey, Lame ass (13) by mmyers 5-12-04

Permission to reexamine the witness, your honor? Permission granted. Now Mr SuperIntendent, while you were working for Cox, did you find Cox to be enjoyable? Was Cox hard? Or was it easy for you to work with Cox? Cox and cocks, I get it. Gay jokes. Ha ha. Can we move on to a line of questioning that is relevant? Your honor, I ask that the defendant answer my line of questioning. Your honor seems like she knows how important Cox can be to a case. I refrain on account that I may incriminate myself.

Bill Ivey, Lame ass (14) by mmyers 5-12-04

You played baseball for the company baseball team, correct? What was the name of that team again? *sigh* The Cox Smokers. And what position did you play for the Cox Smokers? I was the pitcher, allright? Is that what you want to hear?? Look, Bill Ivey is guilty of being a loathsome human being! If you're asking me do I think he got what he deserved, yes he did! If I were to, oh, I don't know, ask you out on a date after this hearing, what would you say? I'd say closets are for clothes and not for big gay owls.

Bill Ivey, lame ass (15) by mmyers 5-13-04

Mr Ivey, what qualifications do you have for being a principal of a school? Well, I'm a man of principles and, um, I had a part in the play Death of a Salesman in which I was a principal character. I bid on some Prince tickets on eBay once. And I wouldn't mind being part of a principality, I can tell you that. You have absolutely no qualifications for being a principal, do you? Define 'absolutely'.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Bill Ivey, lame ass (16) by mmyers 5-13-04

Mr Ivey, what have you done during your tenure as principal that makes you a good principal? When I came to the school, it was a den of drug use, violence and urban despair, then through my unorthodox methods, I cleaned the school up and everyone was all like, "Mr Clark, you be cool, yo." Mr Ivey, you do realize that you just gave me the plot of the film Lean on Me, don't you? You know what you need to do? Just lean on me...when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on...

Bill Ivey, Lame ass (17) by mmyers 5-14-04

Mr Ivey, in an effort to show the court the profound effect you've had on the student body, we've assembled them all here in the courtroom just outside of the comicstrip panel. Please address them, Mr Ivey, your children, your little doves of hope and promise, and bear in mind that your job hangs in the balance. Freaks, hippies, wiggers, punkers, stoners, nerds, skaters, goths, dorks, dweebs, pukes, losers, gangsters, players, bitches, preps, snobs, richies, we all have something in common, we hate Ms Wells.

Bill Ivey, lame ass (18) by mmyers 5-14-04

Not to pass the buck here, but we ALL know that Ms Wells is a bitch. I mean, who goes by 'Ms' in this day and age? Only a complete bitch, right? Yeah! That's why, if I can come back as your principal, I'll fire Ms Wells. That's good for the jocks, whom she constantly fails, that's good for the sluts who she writes up for dress code violations. Yeah!! It's good for America! In closing...Tabor High football rules! Woooooo!

Bill Ivey, lame ass high school principal (fin) by mmyers 5-19-04

Hey, hey, look who's back. I'll answer my own question: I'm back! Yes, much to my shagrin. Hey, you can give me shy grins all you want, it still ain't going to get me in the sack, twinkle-toes. Hey, no hard feelings about that court case, right? I wonder how hard it is to cut someone's brake lines. Woe, woe, woe, hot rod. Why don't you hop out of that chair and get some exercise, huh? You can't just roll through life. Come on, get up, lazy bones.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

That was thoroughly entertaining. I liked the Tootsie Pop reference and the Cox Communications parts the best.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

mmyers just made love to me through comics.

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Poop.

But Cox Communications' "B" team has an even better name:

The Cox Ueckers.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Any similarity to the Kaddar Suit character I use to represent myself and the gay school district official Suit represents in the above series is purely...oh, wait...nevermind.

On at least two occasions I've tried to put mmyers on my favorites list only to discover that he was already there.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Excellent man. I loved the milkshake line. You are a fucking pro.

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

It is cruel that I cannot run up and hug mmyers until my love for his comic genius kills him.

Bravo, you fine stripper, you! Bravo! More Bill Ivey! More Bill Ivey!

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Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive. And don't ever apologize for anything. - Harry S Truman, 33rd president of US (1884 - 1972)

PERFECT!

Thanks for all the kind words, guys. It did my little heart good. This was for all the high school PE coaches turned high school principals out there.

And choad, I kid because I love.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

But Cox Communications' "B" team has an even better name:

The Cox Ueckers.

Cox Communications Swim Team:

The Cox Lappers

The Company Mascot:

The Cox Lime

C.C. Tennis Team:

The Cox Lobbers

P.S. - mmyers, brilliant series. You are someone who I will always aspire to produce comics like.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

On the subject of Cox, I did a freelance thing for them/the Discovery channel a few years ago in the Cox parking lot. Off to the side of the parking lot was a big phallic thing that looked like a miniature Washington Monument which I affectionately called Mount Cox. I haven't been back to Mount Cox since that day.

Thanks Mikey.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

When the X Games first came to San Diego, Cox Cable had a promotional tie in called CoXtreme Cable. Didn't anyone say that out loud before they started advertizing it?

Ha ha! It sounds like "cocks"!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.