Your indiscretions(ie misdemeanors) have earned you public service hours to be completed. The judge has deemed you to help out at the local middle school. Due to lack of education funding, the school has put you in a place of power.

You are going to be the new Sex Ed teacher for the 7th & 8th grades.

Your "lessons" aren't limited to class time. Just remember, keep it clean around the other teachers or your volunteering days are over.

I will be judging next Monday. I will put out a last call Monday AM and have the results in by 4-5pm EST.

Happy Stripping, Teach.

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dcomposed:11-06-05: If I was a viking invading your village, you'd be the first to get raped.
Crabby: 10/5/06: i would love to feed you fresh fruit while bathing you.

CC269: Everyone Loves A Filmstrip. by UnknownEric 12-14-04

Today, class, we'll be watching an educational video. It's called "Traci, I Love You." Yay! I'm drunk on cock! Questions? Comments? Why was the ending so anti-climactic?

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I has a flavor!

CC 269: One Late September Afternoon by kaufman 12-14-04

Kaufman, I see no one but girls in this classroom. What happened to all the boys in your class? Actually, it's very common for boys that age to be matriculating and to suffer from premature graduation.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC 269: Goodbye, Mister Chip -- 1 by biped 12-14-04

Captain Chip, it was nice of you to buy that little starving girl a hot dog. However, demanding a "blow job" in return was illegal. Really, officer? If only I'd known that before! ...and since you've been sentenced to community service here at Sweaty Palms Middle School, we've decided to put you in charge of the sex education class. Goodness -- what a challenge! I hope I can rise to the occasion! Now remember, students -- I did not "demand" these blow jobs! I merely offered you all an "A+" in exchange for them! It's...yucky... GLORP!!!

CC 269: Goodbye, Mister Chip -- 2 by biped 12-14-04

Remember, Captain Chip -- students must be "seduced" into learning. You can't just shove knowledge down their throats. You can't? I mean... you can't! Of course not! Heh, heh! And that, class, is how the world-famous "Wisconsin Corkscrew" is performed! Thank you for your assistance, Timmy! Room... spinning...can't feel... extremities... I've never seen anything like it, Captain Chip. All of your students have gone on to become either hookers or porn stars. Err... it's a vocational class, right? Like wood shop?

CC 269: Goodbye, Mister Chip -- 3 by biped 12-14-04

Captain Chip, your community service ended six years ago. Why are you still here? Well, as the kids say -- I "get off" on teaching, Miss Bulge! Though sometimes quite draining, I consider it highly satisfying! Students, I'm sure you'll all find this final exam hard, yet fulfilling! That's it...keep the line moving...! ...GLORP!!!... ...GLORP!!!... ...GLORP!!!... You've certainly become a credit to the community since our last encounter, Captain Chip. Or should I say -- "Teacher Of The Year"? Well, officer, as the kids say -- my new job "blows me away"! In fact, you might call it -- my new "blow job"! Heh, heh! Get it?

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

CC 269: RTFM by kaufman 12-14-04

... so while condoms and pills are effective when used right, the surest way of preventing an unwanted pregnancy is still abstinence. What about vasectomies? Good question. Vasectomies also work well when done right, but ordinary stitches can't be used to close the incision; instead curved stitches with wide heads must be used to prevent leakage. The same applies to other sterilization surgeries. Straight stitches are no good on reproductive organs; during sexual operations, the comma sutures should always be used.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

See? He went to jail because he didn't beat around the bush!

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Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

Here's an old one I did with the same title as this contest:

The Birds and the Bees by fpd 1-12-02

Hey bee, you're mine, understand? Get in the position! No way. I'm not having sex with you or anyone else. Damn you bee, we're supposed to be teaching the readers about the birds and the bees. Get somebody else, because this bee has taken a vow of celibacy. I'm the dominatrix, damn it! Do as I say! Listen kids! Men die after having sex. I've seen it happen to too many other drones, but it's not going to happen to me.

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

CC 269: Ripping Off The (Inflatable) Man by Rabid_Weasle 12-14-04

Pop quiz class! What's long and white and tastes like rum?

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Poop.

Arrrrgggggh. It's 5:30 am. Please ignore the title fuck-ups on the last couple. Anyway, stupidity aside, here.

CC269: Head of the class I by SpideyChris 12-15-04

You ungrateful bitch! You stupid WHORE! I don't believe this! Don't you know how to keep a fucking promise!? Yeah, you keep walking! You better RUN! I see you, I'll KILL YOU! Rip your heart straight out, YOU LYING SACK OF CRAP! Got a problem, buddy? It's just those damn hookers always promise to swallow and never follow up! Oh, I know how that is.

CC269: Head of the class II by SpideyChris 12-15-04

Alright, for your community service we're placing you in charge of the Sex Ed courses here. Thank you. I've always believed I have something worthwhile passing on to the younger generations. Here's the textbook materials... Oh, don't worry, I brought my own. Alright Timmy, you can start off the reading. "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me, but..."

CC269: Head of the class III by SpideyChris 12-15-04

Alright kids, I've prepared a video presentation to further break down the differences between the sexes. Just be quiet and watch it. I'll be reading at my desk. Mr. Carter, how come we only seem to watch videos and read 'smut'? Lindsey, my book has Laura Prepon in a bikini. If any of you rats start filling out your shirts, maybe I'll start paying attention. Should we use cotton balls or socks?

CC 268: Head of the class IV by SpideyChris 12-15-04

One video later... But that was just about some plant! Au contraire, Jim. You, the male, are the fly while the female is the Venus Fly Trap. By opening itself and exposing its moist insides to you, the female will lure you into its trap, and your inevitable financial doom. That's awful! What can we do? Either get a DAMN good job to delay your fate, or learn to love sausage.

CC 268: Head of the class V by SpideyChris 12-15-04

Listen, we've gotten more than a few complaints from the parents about your end-of-semester project... Philistines, all of them. In any case, this is your last class as it is... So just wrap it up and we'll call it even. I'll miss staring at your secretary's ass, George. Okay kids, leave your 'My Mother is a MILF Because...' essays on my desk and file out. Ooh! Do I get extra credit for this video from my dad's sock drawer?

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Use your weapons, they are designed to inflict damage!

CC 269: Quickie by BigFrank105 12-15-04

BigFrank teaches a 5th grade Sex-Ed class. Billy, can you tell us all where babies come from? From a lady's vagina! Okay, that about wraps up my lesson.

CC269: The Doctrine of Sex 1 by quodlibet 12-15-04

Masturbation is the leading cause of blindness in young men. Granddad jerks off to Playboy all the time and he's still got his vision. The only decent position for coitus is the missionary position. What happens if your lady's a bitch and wants to do it doggy-style? Intercourse between men and men, and women and women, has been forbidden. It is unnatural and sinful. So pedophilia is better?

CC269: The Doctrine of Sex 2 by quodlibet 12-15-04

Let's talk about menstruation. The female cycle -- Ew! Gross! I thought this was sex ed class. It IS sexual education. I don't want to know about menstruation. Gross. What a turn-off. If you talk about it any longer I don't want to have sex. EVER. But it's part of natural family planning. Like you guys care about that?

CC269: The Doctrine of Sex 3 by quodlibet 12-15-04

You gonna tell me the ideal use of butt plugs? Clitoral stimulation? Cuniligus? The six tantric positions? No, no, no and no. You a virgin? Why, are you questioning my vows? Well, what's a virgin doing, teaching me about sex?

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If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

CC to sixty-nine: math is sexy by quodlibet 12-15-04

This comic competition coincides with a sexual number: sixty-nine. Here's a demonstration of sixty-nine. Why have you got an erection, professor? Here we see a couple about to adopt the '69' position, in which each partner orally stimulates the other's genitalia. Thus the '69'. Math can be sexy too! And I'm not saying that just because I'm desperately horny! Will there be a quiz on this?

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If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

CC 269: Reproductastic! by not_Scyess 12-16-04

I was a good student, until I took sex-ed in 8th grade. I've never worked so hard in a class! But I couldn't land the top grade. Why not? Despite all my after-school projects, I never made anything but bees. Yeah. I really laid an egg in that class, too.

Move along. Nothing to see here.

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peddling the funny around since 09/24/2002

quote:

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Happy Stripping Teach.

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Grow up.

Beebzo: Space Criminal in "The Civil Service Chronicles". by ArtemisStrong 12-16-04

Young hominids, I know nothing of this thing called sex, so I am unsure of how to begin. Teach, I'm a jaded, desensitized child who grew up on satellite television. I think I can clue you in a bit. Just lean in close... yah... so (whisper-whisper-whisper). !! I think I know now the feeling you humans get that you call "horny". I'm giving you all a half day so I can go dip my circuit boards in a reverse ion bath.

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

CC 269: Missionary by BigFrank105 12-16-04

You kids really have it these days with your porno movies and internet and such. Back in my day, me and my friends did UNBELIEVABLE things for sex. Kinda like when I purposelly failed Sex-Ed to take it again... Is that why you're still a virgin?

Community Pest by smamurai 12-17-04

Do any of you girls know what oral sex is? Fy dolla.

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

CC 269: This is how most kids find out anyway by jes_lawson 12-17-04

...and then, money shot! I don't understand doc, we've been trying for ages, why am I not pregnant? I don't understand either, both you and your husband are healthy. Are my boobs not plastic enough? Do we do doggy before the oral or after? Or is my husband not jizzing on the right part of my face? Or... What kind of twisted individual taught you Sex Ed.? 10 years earlier... Class, for some reason I'm being sued for libel in Venezuela, so while I'm out, watch this Jenna Jameson DVD I downloaded last night.

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

CC 269: Filthy Sanchez by BigFrank105 12-15-04

And that wraps up my talk on anal positions. Any questions? Mr. BigFrank, why does my daddy always call my mom "easy"? Uh, well, Susie... That might mean--- ---And he always says that she "screws around" with "mulattos" and never uses "rubbers"? Well, why don't you give me your mommy's phone number and your daddy's work schedule? Ask the principal, he should know.

CC269: It is nature's way by mmyers 12-17-04

"And then the cells begin to seperate and they're all like 'Yes yes yes!" and the microscope's lens gets foggy and they seperate and they're all like, " Oh yeah baby!" and then they smoke." And that's how reproduction works. Any questions? Um, how does that relate to us? Where does the penis go and where do the babies come from? P-penis? What's a 'pean-iss'? Why do they always let the gym teachers teach this?

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

CC269: What's the frequency, teacher? (1) by mmyers 12-17-04

I'm the kind of guy who believes that, to really understand something you have to see it, so at great risk to my personal safety... I'm going to go clubbing and wear a camera and try to pick up some slut who'll have sex with me. We'll be like the Dead Poet's Society of sex ed. Um...don't you have a wife or something? Guys, there is nothing more disgusting than watching a guy have sex with his wife. Also address any questions to me as "Oh captain, my captain."

CC269: What's the frequency, teacher? (2) by mmyers 12-17-04

Okay kids. I'm at the club now and I'm looking for a chick to mate with. Everyone still there? *Ksshhhh* We're still here, over. *kssshhh* Good. Ah, there's one suitable for mating. I'll offer to buy her a drink: Nature's lubricant for the sexual act. Hi, can I buy you a drink? Um, I suppose so. I'll take a cosmo. Now, I'll go and purchase the drink for her and after two or three, she should be loosened up enough to consider having sex with me. Who are you talking to?

CC269: What's the frequency, teacher? (3) by mmyers 12-17-04

Okay, I lost her in the crowd, which is probably for the best because I probably couldn't afford to keep buying her drinks on a teacher's salary. I drank the cosmo. Didn't like it. *kssshhh* Teacher, why don't you--- Ahem, I can't hear you if you don't address me properly. *kssshhhh* (Sigh) Oh captain, my captain...why can't we just watch a video, over? *kssshhh* Because the devil is in the details. I 'could' show you a video, but then you wouldn't learn about the nuainces of sex, like how hard it is to get sex, especially when you're past the age of 40. *kssshhh* I can't wait for this to be over, over. *kssshhhh*

CC269: What's the frequency, teacher? (4) by mmyers 12-17-04

Ho'kay, I've had a few more drinks and I'm 'to' up from the flo' up' as they say in nature. I'm feeling easy and I've spotted a fine philly who may want to take a ride on the teacher express. Wow, you're cute. I get cuter the more I drink. I'm a teacher and I'm trying to show children what sex is like. As Shakespeare said, "Will you bump uglies with me, for science?" That's the strangest offer I've ever had, but what the heck. Let me go get my coat. Don't touch that dial, kiddies. You've got an all access pass to Sexville, and I'll be your tour guide, Phillepe'. *kssshhh* Oh captain, my captain...we probably need to go home. My mom is going to be worried about me and maintainance is locking up the school, I think. Over. *kssshhh*

CC269: What's the frequency, teacher? (5) by mmyers 12-17-04

Next day... I'm hungover, I've got a mysterious rash, and I've been puking all morning, but it was worth if you kids learned about sex. We stayed and watched even though we should have gone home. That was crazy that that lady turned out to be a man, huh? Lady turned ou--w-what? This does go a long way in explaining why I have whisker burn on the back of my neck. Class dismissed. Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh!