There will be many challenges ahead for the five finalists, maybe even including an Iron Man Match.

Here are the basic rules again:[list]
[*]I am the law, I can vote, I can delete posts and I can pretty much just make up the rules as I go along. If I decide to bring back an ejected player then so be it.
[*]You will have 48 hours to submit a comic when I decide your match has started, if you will be away and your match is coming up, tell me and I'll postpone it, or if you're struggling for a couple of hours a PM would be nice, just to know you're still alive. (I however am allowed to go away for months at a time without telling anyone)
[*]VOTE! All previous Comic Cup XII contestants are elligible to vote. If you're away, fair enough, but don't waste your vote (or do that gay abstaining thing, conscientious objectors will be shot) even if someone is winning by 18 votes to 0.
[*]Remember once again, that I AM THE LAW. If I want to tell the rest of you cunts to fuck off and eat ass and then give the whole goddamn crown to kaufman, I will. This is a monarchy, a dictatorship, a tyranny, and not a goddamn democracy. Except for when I say it is.[/list]

Still in this thing are [list]
[*]kaufman
[*]BigEvilDan
[*]Rabid_Weasle
[*]mmyers
[*]graykane[/list]

[u]Style is Everything Match[/u]
Rabid_Weasle Vs kaufman

[list][*]Standard cup match, one winner.
[*]Your job will be to take the five styles that I give you and make a comic resembling each one. I don't care what the content is as long as you make it funny.
[*]This means your entry will consist of five comics. I'm going to make you work for this, people.
[*]Everyone will vote on who made the funniest comics with the five styles.
[*]I have a back-up plan if you both suck ass, but if I have to use it I may get angry and stab you both in the eyeballs.[/list]

Here are the styles you must make comics in:[list]
[*]retard: which must be a jerkcity character, appearing six times against the splitter background, and the text must be stream-of-consciousness.
[*]B. Kliban: Read a few, figure it out.
[*]Sexy Losers: Must be completely, abhorrently filthy and pushing the boundaries of bad taste, but still funny. The late Graham Chapman, of Monty Python fame, was a huge fan of poor, poor taste. Dedicate this strip to his memory. Also, by bad taste, I don't just mean thinly-stretched puns, kaufman.
[*]parody of other users: I will be assigning each of you another SC User to parody, and by parody I mean lambasting, scathing parody. I want funny, but I want it to be piercing. Kaufman may have trouble with this one, as he's generally a really nice guy. I want satire, people.
kaufman: KajunFirefly
Rabid_Weasle: Kevin_Keegans_Perm
[*]dcomposed: This comic has to be in dcom's "Why I Hate..." style. [/list]

Since this is a semi-final and a research-heavy match, I will give you fuckers until the 22nd to complete this. If you get it in beforehand, then hopefully we can vote before Commercialized Christian Holiday.

Get going.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

In the order presented by MikeyG:

story time: the shoemaker and the volcano by kaufman 12-16-04

Once upon a time, there was this shoemaker who lived in a small hut. One day a volcano erupted and sent a stream of hot lava roaring through the hut. The lava was so hot, it would have melted the skin off the shoemaker's body, which would then have coagulated into piles of unidentifiable goo ... except the shoemaker was on vacation in Germany at the time. There he got bitten by a plague-infested rat, and so his skin broke out in all sorts of multihued boils. The boils were very itchy, and when the shoemaker scratched them, they would burst open and send streams of pus shooting forth. The shoemaker soon died, and his body was placed on a transatlantic steamship. He was eventually buried in a landfill near Hoboken, New Jersey. (This story pleases my sister so much, she always starts slamming her tongue in the door when I read it.)

Chapter 3: Eddie Bends a Stop Sign by kaufman 12-16-04

Money Shot by kaufman 12-16-04

Check it out. I got one of those new $5 bills with Condoleezza Rice's picture on it. You did? You've got to let me have it. Here, I'll give you $10 for it. Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Your total comes to $4.68 ... out of $5, and ... HEY, WHY'S THIS BILL ALL STICKY! Uh, do you have a public restroom here? I need to relieve myself.

Kajunstein by kaufman 12-16-04

Hurry up! Bring me those body parts. I'm still missing a couple parts, but what I have should work. We can finally build the perfect woman, and fuck something above the ovine order. Those missing parts better be insignificant, or I'll have your head. Don't worry, Master. It should be easy to figure out. Let's go down the checklist together, and call out anything we find missing. Ass. Cunt.

Why I Hate Breakfast Cereal by kaufman 12-16-04

When I go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, people give me these really funny looks.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Comic Cup XII: Ripping Retard Off by Rabid_Weasle 12-17-04

Once upon a time a fairy godmother granted life to a small bird house. The only catch was that this bird house would fall in love with anyone who ever said the word "Ham". Tragically though, the bird house unprepared for the shock of life suffered a fatal heart attack the second it first looked upon the world and tumbled from the tree to the ground below. Even more tragically, a young couple having afternoon tea precariously near a land mine were blown to pieces after the bird house detonated said land mine. Into the air their pieces fell, showering upon the land like a million tiny glistening jewels. And that's why we Celebrate Christmas. (This story is so good, when I tell it my grandma gives birth to an entire german family.)

Rabid_Weasle Has No Idea How These Comics Work by Rabid_Weasle 12-17-04

Comic Cup XIII: Little Action by Rabid_Weasle 12-18-04

Excuse me... uhhh... how much for a little action? 20 dolla! I see... and how much is it if you're dead? ...wh-what?

Comic Cup XIII: Strippers In Three Panels - Perm by Rabid_Weasle 12-18-04

Unoriginal idea! Unoriginal idea! Banana!

Why I Hate MikeyG by Rabid_Weasle 12-18-04

Your job will be to take the five styles that I give you and make a comic resembling each one. I don't care what the content is as long as you make it funny...

Same order as Mikey listed them.

Also, apologies to Perm for making a comic about you that isn't even funny.

---
Poop.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

They were all tremendously maginifcent but I vote for kaufman

---
Please replace the handset, and try again.

I'm going with Rabid Weasle on this one.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Tough decision, but after seven seconds of careful consideration, Rabid_Weasle's third comic made up my mind.

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AFROMANS MOVE

kaufman

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i want to piss on you

I praise the almighty man fauk.

Holy crap, this was a great round of comics.

However, in the end, there can be only one.

That one... um.. will win?

Screw it. I vote for the Rabid Weasle.

---
This is not my empire.

I vote for kaufman, but it wasn't an easy decision.

---
"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

kaufman

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Mediocrity at its most average.

Here's my breakdown.

retard: even
kliban: kaufman
filthy: rabid
KF/KKP: kaufman
dcompo: rabid

In the end, I have to go with kaufman because rabid didn't really try to do anything with Perm.

---
Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

Rabid

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Think classy, you'll be classy.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

---
xx( o Y o. )xx

weasle buuuuhdie is sqwizzin the joohoooooce

---
GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

After much deliberation, Rabid_Weasle is inched out in a goddamn close match by kaufman. Rabid actually only lost by ONE vote. This may turn out to have been the best match of the whole cup, guys. You both deserve a prize. Instead, I'll stop talking about either of you and set up the next match.

[u]Filthy Mouth Match[/u]
BigEvilDan vs mmyers

[list][*]Standard cup match, one winner.
[*]This is going to be a dirty match. That means there are five topics you must make one comic each about, and the topics are chosen by me.
[*]This means your entry will consist of five comics. I'm going to make you work for this, people.
[*]Please post them in the same order I list the topics in, according to topic.
[*]People will vote on the best set of five comics.
[*]You guys have until next Wednesday the 5th to make your comics.[/list]

Here are the topics:[list]
[*]AIDS in the ass
[*]raping eskimos with barbed wire
[*]cunt slime
[*]pus-filled nipple tumors
[*]marmalade[/list]

Get going, you sexy toe manglers!

---
The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

rabid :E

---
Batman created by Bob Kane

Malpract-ass by BigEvilDan 12-30-04

Give it to me straight, doc. Well, there's good news and there's bad news. The good news is that we surgically removed your ass instead of giving you a nose job. How in the world is that good news? Because the bad news is that we discoved that you had a case of localized AIDS in there, which means I've got it too. Well, I'm glad you caught it before it spread-- wait, what did you mean by "now I've got it too"? Oh my, look at the time.

Clubbin' by BigEvilDan 12-30-04

Why exactly are we doing this? Well son, the local seal population is unusually large compared to the human population, and we need to even it out. Wouldn't it be easier to hunt the seals instead of forcibly impregnating the natives? As hunters, we respect nature. We're not going to go around killing cute little seals when there's another way to help them. I guess that makes sense. But what's the barbed wire for? Son, you just don't understand ecology.

Abstinence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder by BigEvilDan 12-30-04

The slime inside a woman's private parts is the perfect breeding ground for filth, disease... ...and carnivorous monsters from the fifth dimension that like to feed on horny young men. Do you think that maybe this film goes a bit overboard with the abstinence education? Hey, if I can't get laid, nobody else will either.

Malpract-ass 2 by BigEvilDan 12-30-04

...so it was a messy operation, but we removed the tumors and it looks like you're going to beat this nipple cancer. That's the best news I've heard all day. Also, I fucked you up the ass while you were under. That's the second best news I've heard all day!

Plan 12 From Outer Space by BigEvilDan 12-30-04

I just had a thought: what if marmalade is actually an alien substance created to take over the planet. Then it would be the most ineffective invasion plan in the history of the universe. Even worse than a zombie Bela Lugosi? I never thought I'd say this, but yes.

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

Comic Cup: Blinded by science by mmyers 12-30-04

S-so, my wife has...Ass AIDS? We think so. Our data is inconclusive. Unfortunately, it's either Ass AIDS or Alzheimer's disease. We're not sure which. W--what do I do? Drive her out to the middle of the desert and drop her off there. What will that do? If she finds her way home, don't fuck her in the ass.

CC: Dante's infernal directions by mmyers 12-30-04

Excuse me, I'm new to Hell and I seem to be a little turned around. Can you help me? Certainly. Let's see, it says in our computer that you raped eskimos with barbwire, correct? That was me, yep. Here in Hell, the more heinous sins, murderers, etc, are rushed through while everyone else stands around in long lines and filling out confusing paperwork. It'll take a few days to process you. I was also a claims adjuster. Does that speed things up for me alittle? Here, you can get on the Hell Express.

CC: The military is not the only place that discharges by mmyers 12-30-04

Mom, do you ever get that "No so fresh" feeling? Of course I do, sweety. It's only natural. Are you having a case of the 'not so freshies'? I think so. Lemme open my legs a little. Bloody hell! It's like a demon's den in there! Stay right there while I get the Holy water and Wolf's bane. Don't move a muscle! Woop! *Thud* There's also a little matter of a slimy discharge. I'll be sure to add the Shop-Vac to my list.

CC: Why I'll never be a doctor (besides the education thing) by mmyers 12-30-04

Doc, I think I've got an infected nipple. It's kind of puss-y and painful. It might be a tumor, I think. Well, let's just give it a poke and see what happ-- *Squish* It does that when you poke it. Where are you going? To retire.

CC: Lady Marmalade by mmyers 12-30-04

Man, this punch is delicious! I can't believe it! Ha ha! It's marmalade. I put it in there as a joke and you're drinking it! Are you fucking nuts, man? I'm allergic to marmalade! Haha! That's even funnier. I can't believe you're allergic to urine and feces swirled together! Oh no, I'm allergic to fruit and fruit pulp. Phew, that was a close one. Bottoms up!

---
Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Nice job, guys!

AA: Dan
BW: Dan
CS: Even
NT: mmyers
MM: Even

By a margin of 3-2, my vote goes to BigEvilDan.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I just changed one of my punchlines before I realized that kaufman had already voted. Am I disqualified or what?

---
Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

wow. these were incredible, but since somebody has to win:

AIDS in the ass: BigEvilDan
raping eskimos with barbed wire: BigEvilDan
cunt slime: mmyers
pus-filled nipple tumors: mmyers
marmalade: BigEvilDan

BigEvilDan

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i want to piss on you

VileGibNad