Did You Get The Memo? by ZMannZilla 7-30-10

I swear, the way they do the Consumer Queue process makes no sense. I don't know why we need to fill the forms out in triplicate. Well, I agree, but for the sake of argument, consider this: filling forms in triplicate is the best way to drive a mortal's fragile mind to the brink of madness. From this brink, the human mind can finally see the dark machinations of the Old Ones and prepare for the coming of R'lyeh. I really hate it when you play Cthulhu's Advocate.

Teabagger Tex by ZMannZilla 5-02-10

Teabagger Tex makes lots of people angry with his rhetoric. Free health care will destroy our future! No tax money for public health! On this particular day, however, we all have to respect one thing... The money that terrorist-in-chief Obama wants to spend on free doctors could be used to kick out foreigners! ...at least he's consistent. Lo, for I hath returned- Get your damn commie healthcare outta my America, and don't come back 'til ya got a green card!

The Clown Class by ZMannZilla 8-06-10

Actually sir, "Pi R Squared" is an equation used to measure the area of a circle. It has virtually nothing to do with "pie" the dessert, except as a homonym. Michael, please. We have a lot of material to cover before the final, so kindly knock it off with the "Class Straight Man" routine.

How DARE you??? by ZMannZilla 6-20-10

Ah, bienvenue! You sleazebags! How dare you name yourselves the "Cirque Du So Gay" and perform such sleazy tricks! Wait, what? You heard me! How dare you charge people money to make them watch you have anal sex on top of spinning giraffes while two men in a bear costume are blowing a clown on a motorcycle?! Wha... It's called "Cirque Du Soleil", and we don't do any of that! HOW DARE YOU CALL MY GRANDSON A LIAR???

Pig & Cat: Personality Goes A Long Way by ZMannZilla 8-05-10

Hey Arnold, want some bacon with your omelette? DUDE!!! Oh, shit! Sorry! Sorry! How could you possibly offer me bacon? You should know better! I just figured that, after yesterday, you weren't Jewish any more. GAY MARRIAGE DOES NOT CANCEL OUT JUDAISM, RETARD!!!

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

Do like.

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I am a delicate fucking flower. https://beacons.ai/jesskent

What LadyJ said

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Resident Masochist & Adrenaline Junkie -I'm probably not god but you should worship me just in case-

These comics are very sparkly, like a holiday.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

B.O.A.T.S. - How To Troll A Mormon by ZMannZilla 8-13-10

AUTHOR'S NOTE: In real life, I have long, bushy sideburns that hang about 4 inches off my face. Hi, I'm here to tell you about God. Wow, that's an impressive beard thing you have there! Thanks. I've been growing it for just over 2 years. Nifty! I can't believe your employer doesn't make you cut them off. Well, I just tell them I'm Jewish. Leviticus19:27 forbids Jews from cutting the "peyot", or sideburn hair. Most people are against showing any sort of bias against Jewish religious practices. That is so neat! I wish us Mormons had something like that. So does Warren Jeffs.

Reference materials:

Warren Jeffs
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warren_jeffs

My awesome sideburns
http://www.zmannzilla.com/photos/greenscreenscream_0307.jpg

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

biped wrote:

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These comics are very sparkly, like a holiday.

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Wayne The Asshole Cow by ZMannZilla 2-03-11

Hello ma'am, my name is Wayne. Before I sell you this Amway, I am required by law to tell you that I'm a registered sex offender. I'd also like to let you know that 75% of my profits will be donated to "Waterboardings For Tots", a charity organization I sponsor along with some of my fellow Klansmen. May 7, 2019: In an effort to reach out to vegan consumers, Outback Steakhouse genetically engineers cows that deserve to be eaten. Wow, is all meat as yummy as Wayne? Just ours, ma'am. Shall I send Adolf to your address tomorrow?

Ask A Cherokee Medicine Woman About Mistletoe by ZMannZilla 1-03-11

O Great Cherokee Medicine Woman, there's nobody else I can turn to. In your professional opinion, does mistletoe also cure soul cancer, or is it only just regular cancer? I ask you, Wise One, because you Cherokee medicine folk are in touch with life itself, and I'll be damned if those money-grubbing hospitals get a hold of my baby girl. Ah, yes, Silva... it's nice hearing from you after all these years... and while I weep for the tragedy of your offspring's cancer, I must first warn you... ...I've changed a bit since college.

Chris Nolan's "Cowboy Physics Begins" by ZMannZilla 11-07-10

Earlier that day at the ranch... So a lady walks into the bar, and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives her a stiff one! Ha, ha! OK, here's another one- wait, would you get offended if I told a black joke? Yes, actually. In fact, I only like jokes about advanced quantum mechanics and jokes with puns in the punchline. Oh, well you're in luck! It seems there were these two Polacks that were building a graviton generator... I think I already heard this one, but tell it anyways, your version might be different.

I swear You Haven't Read This Comic Before by ZMannZilla 10-14-10

And now, my prisoner, the dark jackalope goddess must feed on your brains. Please, sir, I beg you to spare my life! Whoa. What? When you said that thing about your life, I totally got deja vu. Dude, weird!

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

A Dead Crowd by ZMannZilla 1-31-08

So Egon Spengler, Jason Hawes and Pac-Man all walk into a bar... Booooo! Booooo! Booooo! I don't get it.

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

B.O.A.T.S. - Guitar Hero Alpha II Turbo Championship Edition by ZMannZilla 4-17-11

Yeah! I five-starred "Free Bird" on Expert! I really got the hang of this "Guitar Hero" thing! YOU ROCK!!! Zilla, seriously. Guitar Hero's a waste of time. You may as well have spent that time learning how to actually play the guitar for real. You seem to have missed the point of video games, Geoff. That'd be like me saying "Street Fighter's a waste of time, you should go learn to throw fireballs for real." One "HADOKEN" later... There. Now go learn the guitar. You're an asshole.

B.O.A.T.S. - Wii Will Wii Will Shock You by ZMannZilla 2-04-11

Ah, hello Nintendo Wii my old friend. I've had a long and trying day. Please take me once again to a relaxing world of casual games and magical plumbers. WARNING - READ THE INSTRUCTIONS FOR YOUR OWN HEALTH AND SAFETY. FASTEN YOUR WRISTBAND AND PRESS A TO CONTINUE. Yes, mommy, I'm wearing my seatbelt. Main menu, please. ♫~TWEEK~♫ dongdongleledodonglelededongle * Mario Kart * Miis * WarioWareDIY * ARAB UNREST POT CASE KILLED SWEDISH SEX CRIMES*  Netflix * Toribash * Wii Shop * Honey, I'm deleting the News Channel. ledodonglelededongle dedonglededongle

CC472: Fantasy Dude Ranch A-Go-Go by ZMannZilla 3-30-11

Oh, boy, I'm so excited! This fantasy dude ranch is going to be the best vacation ever! Yup! Two weeks of driving cattle through hostile terrain is sure a great way to relieve the pressures of cubicle life! Hey, Mel, I just got word that our trip is going to be delayed. Seems the cowboys in charge of our cattle drive haven't returned from their vacation yet. Well, that's a fine howdy-doo! What exactly would cowboys do with a vacation anyways? I landed th' dad-gum Emerson account fer $85K! YEE-HAW! Im'a put that bad boy on th' Q1 spreadsheet right now!

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

These comics are like vanilla ice cream with cookie crumbs mashed into it.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Frivolous Lawsuits Are Also Quite Unoriginal by ZMannZilla 5-18-11

So explain your company's lawsuit to me again? Your honor, we want to sue Funhouse O'Horrors for copyright infringement. They're not authorized to use our characters. Have a spooooooky and safe Halloween boys and ghouls! Go back to Universal Studios and tell them Judge Belmont said "fuck off". Actually, I work for Konami, and now we're suing you too.

A Tribute To All You Kids Doing SC.COM Homework Strips by ZMannZilla 5-02-11

So what does it mean when a credit card has "interest"? RAAAAAR TOBOR WILL EXPLAIN THAT INTEREST IS THE PRIMARY WAY THAT CREDIT CARD ISSUERS GENERATE REVENUE! OK, so I understand that card issuers need to make revenue, but how do they do this with interest? TOBOR ELABORATES BY EXPLAINING THAT INTEREST MAKES A BORROWED AMOUNT INCREASE BY A PERCENTAGE OVER TIME! Oh, I see! So the longer people take to pay their credit card bills, the more money the card issuers get! What if people borrow more than they can ever hope to pay back? TOBOR WOULD LOVE TO BOTH TELL YOU AND SHOW YOU IF IT WERE NOT FOR THIS $@&#!*% OBSCENITY FILTER!!!

Taking Care Of Numero Uno Is A Full Time Trabajo by ZMannZilla 5-18-11

The secret to my success is simple: "Look out for number one." As long as I do that, I never have any problems. Good motto. What department do you work in again? Only the most important one in the company! Later, in the most important department in the company... And once again, I successfully avoid slipping in pee! YAHOO! George, either you let me piss in silence, or a Mexican deaf-mute will be mopping these floors next week.

CC476: The Forbidden List Of Du'Naht-Kaul by ZMannZilla 5-15-11

'In His House at R'lyeh Dead Cthulhu sleeps and dreams, yet He shall rise and His kingdom shall cover the Earth." - The Necronomicon, 739BC ...oh no oh no oh no on top of forgetting a #2 pencil i also forgot to study and put pants on oh no oh no oh no... *RIIIING* *RIIIING* *RIIIING* Hello! We have a very special offer for the lady of the house, and- *sigh* NOT. FUCKING. INTERESTED. Take me off your list. And that was how the telemarketers doomed all humanity. Damn, now I'll never get back to sleep.

Stay True To Yourself Right Up To The Bitter End by ZMannZilla 5-18-11

On the day the world ends, Binky spends this day as he does many others, surfing his favorite internet forums. As the final deadline of Armageddon draws near, Binky prepares to make the post that will perfectly define his life, not only as a person, but as an internet entity. Binky247: LAST!

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

What A Rich, Nuanced Language You Horrible Monsters Have by ZMannZilla 7-19-11

TRANSLATION: I suppose the reason I'm depressed is that I always thought, at this point in my life, I'd be the shotgun-toting survivor, not the creepy, rotting zombie. Braaaaaiiiinns. TRANSLATION: But as a human, you were a pack-a-day smoker with no survival skills. Do you realize, statistically speaking, what a long shot your survival would have been? Brr-r-braaainns? TRANSLATION: I'm afraid I can't realize anything significant, ever since you ate my brains. N'guh.

40ish Dude Gets Flirted With & Tells His Wife (Version Two) by ZMannZilla 7-09-11

On my way home from the store, I got flirted with by not one, but TWO young ladies! Pfft. So? Oh, don't be jealous. Girls that young wouldn't have the first idea of how to handle me. Oh, come on now, what if they were in Girl Scouts? What? They teach that in Girl Scouts? Yeah, it's called "rationing".

The Stripcreator Home Office Isn't Exactly EOE Compliant by ZMannZilla 6-08-11

Hey Boss, ever notice that all the "Office" characters at Stripcreator are men? Wow, Ben, I never noticed that 'til now, but you're right! It's a total sausage-fest up in here! We have the whole "race" thing covered, but no women! What's up with that, Chuck? Well Chen, you can thank Melvin and Sanderson for that one. IF THERES ANY WOMEN IN THE OFFICE I DO THEM! Hey ma'am, I got a $50 gift certificate to Hooters and two tickets to a late screening of Human Centipede. Wanna apply for a job here?

The Joke, Of Course, Is That It's Pronounced "Fuh" by ZMannZilla 6-06-11

Welcome to Pho Cup! How can I Pho Cup your order today? I'm here to lodge a complaint. Remember when I had that Big Pho Cup yesterday? Well, there was some rancid meat in it. Oh man. Must have been a bad Pho Cup, sorry sir. Yeah, well "sorry" doesn't cut it. I'm from the Health Department, and we've been getting a lot of complaints about your Pho Cups. That's why I'm here to tell you that you really need to shut the Pho Cup.

Frivolous Lawsuits Are Also Quite Unoriginal by ZMannZilla 5-18-11

So explain your company's lawsuit to me again? Your honor, we want to sue Funhouse O'Horrors for copyright infringement. They're not authorized to use our characters. Have a spooooooky and safe Halloween boys and ghouls! Go back to Universal Studios and tell them Judge Belmont said "fuck off". Actually, I work for Konami, and now we're suing you too.

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

First World Problems Of The Far-Flung Future by ZMannZilla 4-30-12

The day after I install the iBorg implant, they come out with the iBorg 2.0! The cure for cancer tastes like salty garbage! GROSS! Now that weed is legal, people expect me to be on time and give good customer service! Vacationing on Mars is so expensive, I had to fly coach! What's the point of having free health care if they don't cover penis enlargement? My intelligence is so advanced that I can now get annoyed at all the stupid crap humans whine about!

Porkman & Finchy Are Wretched At Greco-Roman Mythology by ZMannZilla 3-25-12

Holy Cursewords Porkman! It stings when I pee! Do you suppose it has anything to do with that date I had with Medusa? OMIZEUS DID FINCHY SEAL THE DEAL?! Porkman hopes not for Medusa has the herpes! Yeah, I know, she told me, and said I'd get to have some if I slept with her.- but I still don't see them! The herpes virus is too small to see so Finchy does not make sense to Porkman! What? I thought herpes were those horrible screeching bird-woman creatures that eat the livers of men! AND WHY WOULD GIFT OF LIVER-EATING BIRD WOMANS BE ANY BETTER?!?!?!

B.O.A.T.S. - Farts Are Jokes That Pre-Date Language

I'm a grown man with a wife and kids. Why do I still find the word "queef" funny? Probably because a queef is basically just an NC-17 fart joke.

by ZMannZilla, 3-24-12

The Sort Of Crap That Only Happens In Video Games #1 by ZMannZilla 5-13-12

Jenkins, that box contains the results of the Q3 analysis from last year. We need to send it to the egg-heads in the Denver office for forecasting. Right away sir. What level of hero should I offer the job to? Go with someone lower level. They're more likely to actually complete package delivery quests, and they'll take less experience points. Very well. I'll go hang out downtown and wait without sleeping and eating for a hero to show up. Y'know what would be awesome? If there was a company or service we could just give packages to, and they would deliver them for us. *sigh* I know, right?

The Sort Of Crap That Only Happens In Video Games #4 by ZMannZilla 5-13-12

We've got reports that you were spotted near the scene of some vandalism last night. Vandalism? No, let me explain... I found an unlocked door at the warehouse, so I went in and broke a bunch of crates and pots, and took whatever I found inside of them. Did you happen to see any vandals while you were doing that? Hey, I don't snitch!

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."