Yesterday I got an email, an email addressed to almost 100 people, most of whom shared the same last name, which is not mine. My name/address were buried in the middle of the recipient list. The email was a sad announcement of the death of the sender's 100-year-old grandmother in Michigan. The sender's address was at an ISP in Portland, Oregon. I live on the East Coast. A fair amount of the addressees are at Swiss email addresses.

This does not seem like a hoax. A google search reveals the deceased's name in a genealogy web site with the proper birth date.

Today I got a follow-up mail. The funeral will be Saturday ...

Now the problem: I have no idea who the deceased was, who the sender or any of the other recipients are, and how and why I got on this list. Unless the reason was to create a novel idea for a comic contest.

The rules are simple: Come up with an explanation behind this turn of events, or a story related to some aspect of it. And be quick. Since I was recently on the Hot Seat, I only plan to stay on it until Friday night, when I will name its next occupant.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I'll get this little joke outta the way first...

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I has a flavor!

Careful With That Pun, Eugene by umfumdisi 6-18-03

The Funeral... Lorem ipsum dolor fasem...Amen. The Death... Oh goodness, my grandson must have left his Internet-thingy on. Is that some sort of comic strip? ACK! *she dies* The Cause... Comic #151956 Wow, looks like her brain blasted right out the top of her head. Poor thing.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

This four-part series is my entry. I hope you like it Kaufman, otherwise I probably won't win!

CC 193, Part I: Zounds! by codehappykid 6-18-03

Hey, Hans. My grandma died. Zounds! I must fly to Switzerland and inform my friends! That's really not... AWAY! ...I have e-mail.

CC 193, Part II: The First Letter by codehappykid 6-18-03

Dear Everyone, My grandmother is dead at 100 years young. She died as she lived, arguing with imaginary Democrats. Just letting you know. P.S., Hans will be arriving shortly. Lock your doors. Oops, I think I mistyped that address. I wonder if I still can... Sent.

CC 193, Part III: Kaufman and Descolada by codehappykid 6-18-03

Hey, I just got a weird e-mail from a lady in Michigan. Really? Dude, what about? Her grandma's dead and she invited the entire extended Swiss Armyknives family to the funeral. I'm somehow on the list. Dude, that is weird. BTW, you won the last comic competition. That gives me an idea...nyuk nyuk nyuk. Please put down your cat.

CC 193, Part IV: Why IS Kaufman Here? (Future Conjecture) by codehappykid 6-18-03

I shall begin this service with a supplication to Almighty Brad so that next time I may conduct a funeral during the daytime. That said, I shall spend the next hour speaking many latin words and looking solemn. What's a red-haired guy with a cat doing with a bunch of Swiss Armyknives?

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HALPUU!

CC: 193 They just needed seat fillers... by attitudechicka 6-18-03

Did you find the name of Nanna's old flame? Yes, it was Kristopher Auffman. I found an email address for a kaufman. Think it's the same guy? It's worth a shot. If not, maybe he'll come anyway. Nana really didn't have many friends, anyway...

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Mediocrity at its most average.

CC193: Funeral for a friend by mmyers 6-18-03

Thank you, everyone, for being in attendance here today. I see people from all the way from Switzerland and the east coast are in attendance. I'm sorry that we had to spread the word of Grandma Gertrude's untimely passing in such an unconventional way. The information superhighway does have its benefits, though. Look at how it's brought us all together today, all of these smiling faces. If there's one thing that Grandma Gertrude liked, it's smiling faces. And if there's another thing Grandma liked, it's big penises. Who here wouldn't like to increase their penis size by as much as 75%? It's an all natural, risk free alternative to drugs or surgery. We're outta here.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

But personally, I would've liked kaufman to go like "ooh, ooh, me, me!"

Kaufman Physics by crabby 6-18-03

I'm going to kill you. I'm a hugely popular swiss musician and I'm going to lure you to Switzerland and kill you. **RANDOM PUN** I'm going to lure you in with a phony email. You won't remember having this conversation because your asleep. You will die in Switzerland. **RANDOM PUN** I'm serious though. You're going to die at the hands of an insanely popular Swiss musician in Switzerland. **RANDOM PUN**

Bad spelling by yellowdart 6-18-03

My Grandma just died this morning man. No way!!! We better send an e-mail to the doctor. How do you spell cough man? I think it's K-A-U-F-M-A-N. Send e-mail to the kaufman.gmu.edu

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I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough.

Mixed up Stiffs by Spankling 6-18-03

Lenny, you get that next round of penis enlargement spams sent? Almost boss. That fresh list of eggheads and Swedes should bring in the sucker-money. By the way, yer grandma died. Whatever. Send a note to my stupid brother. Maybe he gives a shit. Right away boss. Now why would my brother be so interested in the size of my dick?

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

CC 193: Oh No, Not Grandma! by Ewwwww 6-19-03

Oh No, Not Grandma! You Only Met Her Once! So What, She Was Still A Loved Member Of The Family. Your Just Saying That Because She Was Rich! Your Just Jealous Because She Talks To Me In My Dreams. Jesus, Did The Voices Tell You To Email That Kaufman Guy Again?

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"No obscene images." I guess I'll just have to settle for saying cocksucker a lot.

CC193: Meanwhile in Michigan by mmyers 6-19-03

Did Kaufman show up yet? No, we are still waiting. Look at my costume. I am going to be Senor' Pedro, a Spanish land baron. I'm going to be a gypsy. "I put CURSE on you!" Hehehe. This is going to be the best role playing murder mystery party ever. I'm an oil tycoon from Texas. Yee-HAW! I hope he got the email that I sent. We've been planning this murder mystery weekend for months now. "I want my share of the inheritance, bitch!" This is going to be fun. I can't wait to get started. Where the hell is Kaufman at?

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

CC 193: Inside the Thoughts of a Grieving Grandson by Trippingbillee 6-19-03

Yesterday, my 100 year old grandmother died. It was the first time anyone close to me has passed away. I created an email worthy of her name, and sent it to every name on my adress list. I asked the recipients to do the same. I will continue to dream that the email will accomplish what grand-mama could never do. "Sonny, some day I will influence the rules of an internet comic contest." I will continue to dream.

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Sex Piano.

CC193: Last Words by TheGovernor 6-19-03

"Rosebud"? No. "It is enough", No. "Oh, I am so bored with it all", No. I need something original and unexpected Grandma, you dont look well, maybe you should lie down hmm, what to say,, what to say?? ahh got it... Grandma??? KAUFMAN!

heheh, this is the real story! it has four parts, so it must be true!

cc193 Poor lady, she had Devin as a grandson! by Mister_E 6-19-03

what's this that my little Devin has been looking at? www.goatse.cx Hey grannie! Oh, my poor heart! Uhh.. ohh.. grannie didn't look at this, did she.. *drools* Welcome back, Devin

cc193 I'm sure Kaufman will care! by Mister_E 6-19-03

Dear friends and family... My poor grandmother recently died. She was 100 years old... I hope you will all attend.... etc... well, most of these people probobly don't care... I'll invite Kaufman, he cares! I'll just put him in here... I feel dizzy, I gotta stop spinning this chair.. I hope Kaufman shows up...

cc 193 Yes, he enjoys looking at it.... by Mister_E 6-19-03

Hey, what's this... who the heck? You've got mail Okay guys, the next comic cup will be about this e-mail I got from some loony.. but Kaufman! What is it, insignificant peon? Nevermind.... I'll just go look at more goatse to feel better...

cc193 all of the guests.... by Mister_E 6-19-03

We are here to say goodbye to someone who you all must have loved... I'm just here to collect her soul So, when do we get the free beer?!? Dammit, Jesus beat me here... loved? I still don't know who the hell this lady is! And this crazy kid keeps poking me in the back... Yeaaa!! Kaufman came!!

hmmm.. PS, in case you don't know what's at goatse.cx, feel free to take a look.. when there is no one else in the room.. and have a bucket nearby, you may need it.

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[insert catchy signature here]

Perhaps this sheds some light on why kaufman got the e-mail.

Grandma killed herself. Here's why. by TheElPaso 6-20-03

According to the poison Accounting, Spamco's profits have been drown this year. The cause for this is heart attack down, but it's obvious we ain't making pneumonia. What will we do? We're going to form a murder with AOL Time Warner. Terrorism a thing that can stop us now! AOL? I heard they don't give much aids to the burnsnisses they own. We're better off with a failed organization. What are you stroking? They earn cold car crash. Besides, they have such great lawyers that we can put all thoughts of being suicide. Do as I say! Cancer all ties with AOL! They just plague games with their partners. Side with hacking kaufman and the Swiss. Disease simple, don't make it hard. Ok, but don't blame me when we don't gangrene.

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My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in. -Weird Al Yankovic

TheGovernor's entry made me giggle.

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Mediocrity at its most average.

CC192: Punderful by maddog00 6-20-03

At the funeral I thank you all for coming out. An e-mail list went around to find those that could share their thoughts in our loss. Here is our first speaker. Did you know our species is the only one that passes its belongings on to its young at death? I guess that proves the saying, "To heir is human."

CC192: My two sons by maddog00 6-20-03

I can't believe it! Grandma's dead! What are we to do? Simple. We spam...I mean, inform the Swiss and a Mr. Kaufman of our loss. Why? We're not even Swiss. And who the hell is Kaufman? Well, I thought it'd be funny. It'll be like the punchline of a joke. Really? Her life Swiss over. She had her last kaufman.

Oops, I put the wrong CC#...oh well.

The disadvantage of being a spammer by TheElPaso 6-20-03

Click here to see me naked! dgdsfg345 Riches from Nigeria Increase your bust size naturally kgd Wholesale printer toner at an all-time low! Death666, Increase your penis 1 to 3 inches! Shit.

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My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in. -Weird Al Yankovic

You know, I think I have to win more contests and start more contests about personal things. You guys sent me some real ego-strokes, and thanks for the sincere flattery. crabby was right that puns could easily be inserted into all those text boxes (e.g., comic 153322), and TheElPaso broke my record for shoehorning death into a comic. And what more can be said about maddog00's punchline, other than that if he had had a bit too much wine to drink before composing that, I'll be happy to let bygones be bygones, and forgive the vine.

But there were also some beautiful comics without the gross punnery. "Last Words" and "Meanwhile in Michigan" create unexpected explanations of the events in question. And don't you love the sentiment of "The disadvantage of being a spammer"? Read it again, and see how seamlessly it fits into the premise, while living out most every stripcreator's third wildest fantasy.

Still, I haven't mentioned this week's winning entry.

This, most simply, is a comic that caused me to blurt out a gust of laughter in response to a final panel that was most unexpected. Very well engineered. Let me post it for your enjoyment once again:

CC193: Funeral for a friend by mmyers 6-18-03

Thank you, everyone, for being in attendance here today. I see people from all the way from Switzerland and the east coast are in attendance. I'm sorry that we had to spread the word of Grandma Gertrude's untimely passing in such an unconventional way. The information superhighway does have its benefits, though. Look at how it's brought us all together today, all of these smiling faces. If there's one thing that Grandma Gertrude liked, it's smiling faces. And if there's another thing Grandma liked, it's big penises. Who here wouldn't like to increase their penis size by as much as 75%? It's an all natural, risk free alternative to drugs or surgery. We're outta here.

Congratulations, mmyers, I can't wait for CC 194: Love Lies Bleeding.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

A worthy winner. I was talking about how great that comic is in #stripcreator the other night. Congratulations, mmeyers.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Thanks Kaufman and evil_d for the kind words. I had a ton of fun with this CC. Give me a bit and I'll come up with something too. Later taters.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

I gotta learn to read previous entries before entering something.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet