All comics by DestroyAllTacos

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by DestroyAllTacos
12-17-02
Cults Vs. The Internet Movie Data Base (Part 1)
The Hedonistic Imperative outlines how genetic engineering and nanotechnology will abolish suffering in all sentient life.
An erotic horror tale about a vixen vampiress seducing and killing women to appease her insatiable thirst for female blood.
The abolitionist project is hugely ambitious but technically feasible. It is also instrumentally rational and ethically mandatory.
Two potheads wake up from a night of partying and can't remember where they parked their car.
The metabolic pathways of pain and malaise evolved because they served the fitness of our genes in the ancestral environment.
Letters to Santa are always cute, especially those asking for new genitalia.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-17-02
Hi! Mellow greetings, yookie dookie!
After endless millennia of ignorance about himself, his mind and the universe, a breakthrough has been made for man.
Cold got to be! You know? Shiiiiiiit.
We welcome you to Scientology. We only expect of you your help in achieving our aims and helping others. We expect you to be helped.
God damn it, you bitch! You never backed away from anything in your life! Now fight!
We seek no revolution. We seek only evolution to higher states of being for the individual and for society.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-18-02
Meanwhile, within the laboratory of the evil Dr. Metacarpus...
Yes! I have created fire!
Um, sir, fire's already been invented.
Easier, yes. But not as fun.
Also, there are easier methods of starting one than covering a midget with gasoline and lighting a match.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-18-02
My creation is finally complete! I, Dr. Metacarpus, have created a terrifying evil skull of death that can only communicate through Journey lyrics!
Some day love will find you! Break those chains that bind you!
MUHAHAHA! MUHAHAHA! MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Streetlight people living to find emotion hiding somewhere in the night!
Hours later...
MUHAHAHA!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... *sigh* I've wasted my life.
Ooh...there's a fire in his eyes for you. Ooh... do you know he still cries for you?

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-18-02
Oh no! there might not be a christmas!
Several elaborate song and dance numbers later...
Nevermind, everything's ok now! Merry Christmas!!!

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-18-02
An Actual Conversation I Had Sometime This Year (Dramatization)
Look, there's times when you don't have feet, right?
Sure, when you're an amputee...
No, like when you're sitting down.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-18-02
The world is mine!! All shall tremble before my adorable dog balancing on a ball that explodes exactly 10 seconds after anyone says the word "Floccinaucinihilipilification"!
Oh shit...
To be continued...

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-18-02
You're... You're not going to take me to hell for my evil, evil plots, are you? Give me another chance! I can change!
Let's be frank. Your attempts at evil doing have never accomplished anything. You couldn't hatch an evil plot to get a ham sandwich out of the refrigerator. You're the worst mad scientist ever.
So I'm going to heaven?
Well, no. Remember that time that homeless guy who said he was Jesus asked you for a dollar and you didn't give it to him? Well, he was Jesus. Also, I think you coveted your neighbor's wife once.
Well damn.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-18-02
WELCOME TO HELL. YOUR TORTURE IS WAITING FOR YOU.
This torture, it wouldn't involve Jennifer Lopez, and maple syrup would it?
IF BY "JENNIFER LOPEZ" YOU MEAN "TENTACLE RAPE, AND BY "MAPLE SYRUP" YOU MEAN "EVEN MORE TENTACLE RAPE", THEN YES.
Well, it was worth a shot...

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-18-02
Was it as good for you as it was for me, baby?
Thank God that's over...
Dr. Metacarpus makes a friend.
So, the old tentacle rape, eh?
yep... yep.
So, what are you in for?
Lemme put it this way... You ever drop an M & M in some paint thinner, then eat it anyway? Don't do that.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-18-02
And so, Dr. Metacarpus' torture continued. The great god Cthulu disemboweled him repeatedly.
An emo stick man pounded nails into his testicles while playing the latest album by The Dashboard Confessional over and over again.
And then there was some more tentacle rape. Oh, the tentacle rape...
Please be gentle...

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-18-02
Dr. Metacarpus has a meeting with Satan.
Look, this is really embarrassing, but I think we made a little mistake. You're not supposed to be dead yet.
What?!?!
Um, yeah, it wasn't your time to go. Sorry about all the torture and tentacle rape stuff. My bad.
Wow. How anti-climactic.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-19-02
Ah, time to relax and watch some TV...
Wait a second, something's wrong... Holy crap! I think someone turned my TV upside down! All the people are walking on the ceiling! It's crazy!!!
You are now watching the Upside Down Network. All your favorite shows, played upside down.
Oh.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-19-02
Or: A Really Stupid Obvious Joke I Just Couldn't Resist Doing Just This Once.
Der ner ner ner, na ner, na ner. Der ner na ner, na ner, na ner.
Stop.
It's Hammer time.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-19-02
BATTLE OF THE BANDS THAT GET THEIR LYRICS BY TRANSLATING OTHER PEOPLE'S LYRICS FROM ENGLISH TO GERMAN AND BACK.
Taste me, which you see! More is everything, which you need! They are inaugurated, how I am toetung you! Come faster creep! obey your master! Their life burns obeys faster your master! Master!
They see this cat, the wave a bad nut/mother are -- (closed your opening) however I are talkin ' over wave (then they can dig us) he a difficult man is, but nobody understands him however his wife!
receive into the groove, boy, whom you, your love for me have to examine. On your feet yeah to the impact, boy, which stands it is up, steps?

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-19-02
Me and the guy played by Edward Norton are really the same person.
Rosebud is a sled.
Hi, Darth Vader couldn't make it today, but he'd like to me to inform you that he is in fact Luke Skywalker's dad.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-19-02
Oh yeah...
Oh yeah...
Man I love midget porn!

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-19-02
You've been spending all day looking at midget porn again, haven't you?
Yeah.
Look man, we've got to get you out of the house. Go downtown, live the nightlife, get laid. Bridget The Midget will still be there when you get back...
I dunno, downtown? I hear it's kinda sleazy down there.
Like I always say, you can't spell "sleazy" without "eazy".
You never said that before. In fact, it doesn't even make sense... Still, I'll get my condoms.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-19-02
After hours of barhopping with no luck, the two characters I forgot to give names to start to get desperate.
Look, since we're such good friends and all, I got you a hooker for tonight, she'll be here any minute. Are you sure you're alright though? I swear I saw that guy put something in your drink...
Never better.
Hey baby...
Bunny rabbit????

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-19-02
The next day...
Man, I just had the craziest dream last night. There was this bunny rabbit in bed with me. I was feedin' her carrots...
She was a hungry little bunny. I just kept shovin' carrots in her mouth, but it was never enough.
Um, that wasn't her mouth.
Oh.
Yeah, remind me to never let you near produce again.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-19-02
JoJo, The Amazing Invisible Blind Deaf Mute Who Lives In A Total Empty Void, has a sudden relevation.
I like pie.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-19-02
23 Skidoo!
Would you just stop saying that? Do you even know what the hell that means??
23 Skidoo!
kill me.
23 Skidoo!

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-19-02
Narration, narration narration narration narration. Narration narration, narration.
Dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue?
dialogue dialogue, dialogue dialogue dialogue dialalogue!
Dialogue. Dialogue dialogue dialogue.
Dialogue?!? Dialogue dialogue dialogue dialogue dialalogue.
Dialogue.
Thought thought thought thought thought thought thought.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-20-02
All dialogue run through MS word spellcheck.
Ur gay lolls!
Stuffy d00d!
U leek gay s3x! anon gay pr0n!!!!1 rifleman!!!!!!1111
Omega shut up!
I am teeth l33t!!!1

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-20-02
Why are plants green?
Because of chlorophyll!!
Thank you, I'll be here all week.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-20-02
Sometimes I can't think of any good ideas for my comic, and just stare at the screen drawing a complete blank.
After a while of this, I start to imagine that those two asian girls are staring at me. This makes me uncomfortable.
STOP STARING AT ME, YOU DAMN ASIAN GIRLS!!

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-21-02
Man, traffic is terrible this time of year.
I know, the other day I went out to the grocery store and almost got hit by a car. Don't these people know it's illegal to run over a pederast?
That's pedestrian. It's illegal to run over a pedestrian.
Oh.
Are you sure? Because I'm gonna keep on molesting children evertyime I go out, you know, just in case...

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-21-02
And I mean, what good's a taco without the sauce?
You took the words right out of my mouth.
OH, IT MUST HAVE BEEN WHEN YOU WERE KISSING ME!!
what?
Shit, I just sang that aloud, didn't I?
Freak.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-21-02
Hey babe, what's your name?
....
oh...kay.
Let's do it.
Hours later...
Hey, where have you been all day?
Well, I've been to the desert, with a whore with no name.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-21-02
23 skidoo!
23 skid-

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-21-02
Hey um, you wouldn't want to have sex with me, would ya?
but... you're a chicken.
I know, it's weird for me too, but I'm really desperate. I'm 30 and I'm still a virgin.
You've seriously never gotten laid before?
Well... once. But I was an egg.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-21-02
You know, that whole dying and going to hell experience made me realize something. In all my days of failed evil-doing, I've never fully lived my life.
I've blown up dogs, I've been raped by tentacles, I've burned midgets... and yet, I've never seen the world.
I'm going to take an indefinite hiatus. As my assistant, you shall take care of my laboratory while I am gone. I want you to make sure nothing goes wrong, Miss, um, what's name?
I don't know, the guy who writes this comic never gave me one.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-22-02
And so, Dr Metacarpus headed out to sea. Unfortunately, his ship was attacked by pirates, in an elaborate action sequence I can't really show here because there isn't a "boat" background.
ARR!!
He was forced to walk the plank, but somehow managed to survive underwater.
Crap, I hope that's not what I think it is...
I'm doomed.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-22-02
Meanwhile, back at the lab...
Who the hell are you and what are you doing in this lab?
I am Captain Salmonella, defender of truth and justice. Also, I stop people from eating undercooked chicken. I have word there is an evil plot going on in this very laboratory, and I must stop it!
Well, there is a mad scientist who lives here, but he's not even here now. He went on a cruise, said something about wanting to swim with manta rays to the tune of an Iggy Pop song about heroin.
Very well then, I suppose I should get going. Someone's in trouble! My salomonella sense is tingling!!
Loser.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-22-02
My god, it's exactly as I feared... A man-shark!
That's shark-man to you, buddy!
I know exactly what you're going to say... It's always "oh no, it's a man-shark, it's going to kill me, blah blah blah!". Well, damnit, sharkmen have feelings! And mine hurt!
You mean, you didn't eat those two people?
Well, I never said that...

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-22-02
Dr. Metacarpus was in deep trouble in the deep sea, but everthing was going fine at the lab... or was it?
Ooh, girl scout coo... Wait a second! There aren't any girl scouts around here! This whole lab's in the middle of a deadly toxic landfill! hmmm...
GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!!
No thank you little girl. I do enjoy girl scout cookies, but I have some chicken laying around I really should get to eating. It's raw and a bit frozen, but I wouldn't want it to go to waste...
Captain Salmonella! I knew it!!!
Damn. Betrayed by my own commitment for a salmonella free world! The bitter irony! And the old asian girl scout disguise has never failed me before!

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-22-02
You may as well give yourself up! I know you are harboring a known mad scientist!
I told you. He's on vacation!
My salmonella sense tells me otherwise! Are you calling my salmonella sense a liar??? Are ya?? Huh?
I can't believe this! You're such a schizo! Look, I can prove he's not here. I'll call him on his evil cellphone of death...
A few minutes later...
Damn, he's not picking up... Where could he possibly be?

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-22-02
Meanwhile on an island somewhere far away...
(to the tune of "push it" by salt n pepa) ring ring ring ring ring ring, ring ring ring ring ring
ring ring ring ring ring ring, ring ring ring ring ri-
ring ring ring ring ring ring, ring ring ring ring ring

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-22-02
Alright, give me one reason I shouldn't eat you, punk!
Well, I couldn't help but notice you've got an attractive build there, if you don't mind me saying. How about you help me get out of here, and I hook you up with some sweet female land ass.
You really think so? But I have gills, I don't even think I would be able to survive on the land.
Well, I'm a scientist, I can take care of that.
Also, I just realized that I've been breathing underwater for most of this series so far, so apparently the laws of physics only work when it's convenient, and it probably won't be a problem anyway.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-22-02
Shit, he's not answering the phone, must be time for shuffleboard. Dr. Metacarpus does love a good shuffleboard.
You are indeed faithful to your evil master. As reluctant as I am to use my powers against a woman, you leave me no choice! Salmonella attack!!!
Action Packed Fight Scene!!!!
Oh no!! My secret identity has been revealed! You are indeed a force to be reckoned with, evil lab assistant person, but you have not won yet! We will meet again!

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-22-02
Dr. Metacarpus and Shark-man escape from the sea. Unfortunately, shark-men have no sense of direction, so they quickly get lost.
Alright, so where do we turn from here?
It's a few miles south from here... just follow me.
Hey sharkman! Are you sure we didn't take a wrong turn back there?
This can't be right...
mmm, anal probe time!

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-22-02
Dr. Metacarpus meets Suburban Cowboy... in space!!! (Special Thanks To Cribbage)
Excuse me, good sir, could you give me directions out of here? I really need to get home, and I think the aliens are going to give me an anal probe. They keep staring at my ass.
You know, those anal probes ain't so bad... after a while, you start looking forward to them.
But, if you really wanna get out of here, I suppose I can help ya. Turn around and bend over. It's time to put this thing on anal sex drive!
Well, ok, if you think it'll help...
ANAL SEX SPEED AHEAD!!!

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-22-02
Wait a second! We're still here!
Yeah, I lied, there's no such thing as anal sex speed. But didn't it feel good?
This time I'll really get you back home. I promise.
(insert teleportation sound effects here)
Finally! Back home again! Too bad my only souvenir is a painfully throbbing anal cavity. Now, back to the lab!!

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-22-02
Aha! I knew you were here all along! I am Captain Salmonella, and I have come to thwart your evil plan!
Um, my evil plan to get attacked by pirates, almost eaten by a sharkman, and anally raped by a cowboy? Because in that case you already failed.
You are a crafty advesary, Metacarpus, but you have not won yet. Captain Salmonella never accepts defeat!
Well then, how about I introduce your true identity, Vinnie the virgin chicken, to my good friend the suburban cowboy? I'm sure you two would hit it off well...
You win... this time.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-22-02
So, where the hell were you anyway?
Well, it's a long story. Suffice it to say, I've learned to never leave the house again. Also, I might be gay.
But that's not what's important right now. I need you to do me a favor. Meet one of my new friends...
END!!!
Hey baby, you ever let a shark -man sit on your lap before?
Eh, I've had worse...

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-23-02
This background is actually one my my genital warts, as viewed through a microscope.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-23-02
23 skidoo!
23 skidoo!
Didn't you get blown up a while ago??
23 skidoo!

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-23-02
Hey baby, I'd like to cram my Washington Monument into your Georgia O'Keefe painting.
What?
(Hey kids! Spot the Mark Prindle ripoff!)
You know... shove my necktie into your bellybutton? Play stairway to heaven on your cunt xylophone?
Have... sex?
Um... no.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-24-02
(not suburban cowboy this time)
Happy jails to you, until we meet again...
You've got jail!!
Damnit, that doesn't make sense! I don't have anything to do with AOL!
Hey, mr. dinosaur, prepare to be extinct... in jail... with... coffee. Damn, I was on a roll too.

 

by DestroyAllTacos
12-29-02
Every fourth person who visits this site.
Yes! I can't believe I found strippercreator.com!!
Finally, my dream of creating my own strippers is a reality through the miracle of the internet!
Oh. Nevermind.

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