All comics by ComedyGeek

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by ComedyGeek
11-05-08
So, after impaling his fifth and ninth testicle on my perspex tendons, I shrieked through a mouthful of semen and blood then vomited on his inner thigh, as a sign of respect.
So did you get the job?

 

Dating a philosopher is tough
Did you sleep well last night?
By whose standards?
by ComedyGeek, 11-08-08

 

by ComedyGeek
11-08-08
Questions that should never be asked
Do girls with shitting dicknipples leave skid marks on their bras?
If a person who kills many people over a long period of time is a serial killer, is someone who kills a whole bunch of people at the same time a paralell killer?
If "bacterium" is the singular of "bacteria", then what's the singular of "cafeteria"?

 

by ComedyGeek
11-17-08
Another Boring Sales Meeting
Why can't I just rent my soul to Satan?
Because that would be like renting food.
Say what now?
Look, what do you think Satan DOES with your soul?
Oh. Eww.
Hell is basically Satan's septic tank.

 

by ComedyGeek
11-18-08
At the welfare office
Now I'll need your SIN and your date of birth...
Whatever, man. You do your job, and I'll do mine.
Sir, you're on welfare. You don't have a job.
Sure I do. My job, as welfare recipient, is to take care of myself and not become homeless, end up in the hospital, or turn to crime.
That's not much of a job.
Well, you get what you pay for.

 

by ComedyGeek
12-07-08
So what did you do last night?
Oh, I went out and got totally shitfaced.
That's cool. What were you drinking?
Oh, I don't drink.
A few seconds later
...eww.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-02-09
When Windows users crash
ERROR MUST REBOOT
This is Bill Gates' fault!
When Mac users crash
ERROR MUST REBOOT
This is Steve Jobs' fault!
When Linux users crash
ERROR MUST REBOOT
This is my fault! I must have misconfigured the makefile, or misread the man page. It's not Linux's fault! I'm just.... clumsy. I ran into a door.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-07-09
And now, a message from God.
QUIT FUCKING AROUND.
That was God, your Lord and Creator. And now, the moment you've all been waiting for... Jessica Alba sings!
Finally!

 

by ComedyGeek
4-07-09
Try McKingy's New Super Double Deluxe Cheeseburger!
Uh, no thanks.
I'd prefer that you didn't serve hunks of my flesh cooked with my mother's milk on top in the form of cheese at all, actually.
Now available with bacon!
And don't drag my friends into it either.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-08-09
Hank watches the original Star Wars
We meet again, Obi-wan. But now the servant has become the master.
Why doesn't Obi-wan just reach over and push some of those buttons on Darth Vader's chest?
Only a master of evil.
Yeah, well, what are you master of? Scary desert noises?
If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
In what sense? Becoming a flickery ghost who can give Luke cryptic advice at crucial moments? I have that power too. It's called LEAVING A NOTE. Or is the real power the ability to escape the movie?

 

by ComedyGeek
4-09-09
Tonight on "Barnyard Expose", we have this startling confession from the Golden Goose!
"Uh, I'm not a goose. I'm a drake. And those aren't eggs. "
"And I don't exactly 'lay' them, so much as just go to the bathroom, and... "
OK, eww.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-10-09
Today, a PISS fire in a downtown condo CUNT CUNT CUNT left three SHIT PISS COCK families homeless. Now SHIT ON A CUNT Nathan with weather
More BITCH NIGGER rain this weekend, highs of FELCH YOUR GRADMA 17 and lows of ASS MONKEY WHORE 10 overnight. FUCKERS!
You are watching TNN, the Tourette's News Network. Shit piss cunt.
James Earl Jones must be desperate for work.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-12-09
In these uncertain times, we need a politician you can trust.
Well TOO BAD, because we're all scumbags, pinheads, and corporate votebots!
Brought to you by the only truly honest candidate, Roger "All Of The Above" Thorghood.
He's got my vote.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-13-09
From the makers of "OBAMA PROTEST AND" and "KILLER THE SENATE" comes another movie ripped from the headlines.... "HARPER E.COLI KOREA"!
"Heartwarming roller coaster the bad!" raves MANUELO SMITH of PEOPLE TRIBUNE!
"Pulse pounding tearjerker that has you on the edge of your director! " quotes RUDOLPH CASTILLO of the NEW CHICAGO POST TIME
Rashomon analysis fragmentary Memento.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-14-09
The Cat Thoughts Channel
"I'm so incredibly important that I don't have to do anything. "
"I like food that moves a little, but not so much that it becomes work. "
"It is morally reprehensible to ever stop petting me, unless I bite you, in which case, fuck off. "
Say something about Mondays!

 

by ComedyGeek
4-15-09
Conan the Barbarian, Director's Cut
... and to hear the lamentations of der women!
That is good! Now, Davie... what is best in life?
Kittens! Oooh, and BROADWAY! And um... cashmere/angora blend sweaters... the musical Rent...
Oooh, kittens!

 

by ComedyGeek
4-15-09
The Smut Channel with be right back with "Barely Legal 7: One Second After Midnight".
You know, "Barely Legal" porn is agreat way to say to the world, "I'm both a pervert and a coward. "
Basically, you're saying "I admit it. I'm a pedophile. But, I fear imprisonment. So I want to get as close as I possibly can to my true desires without risking legal consequences. "
Attention : All actors are of legal age. You're totally not a pervert for being into this. Honest.
You're not fooling anyone, dude.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-17-09
Hey folks! Does your life have PROBLEMS? Are the things you do sometimes HARD? Are you just plain TOO STUPID for NORMAL LIFE?
Then you need the Ripoffco GIZMOBOB! Its very existence is an insult to the entire human race! But buy it RIGHT NOW, or you will just DIE INSIDE FOREVER!
Available NOW for 4 easy payments of $9.95 and one excrutiatingly difficult payment of your right kidney extracted through your nose.
Not me, I'm a smart consumer! I'll buy one used on eBay!

 

by ComedyGeek
4-18-09
One morning, on Maury
Well, Mister Dan Douglas, Holocaust Denier, I'd like you to meet Marcel Ingalls. He's a World War II denier.
What? You've got to be kidding. My father fought in World War II. My mother lost three brothers!
Ah, I see they've gotten to you too. And your parents.
This is gonna get ugly.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-19-09
One day, on the way to the water trough, Hank met someone new.
Yo.
Uh, hello. I'm Hank.
Yup.
Pig 1, Conversation 0.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-20-09
Let's try this again. I'm Hank. And you are...?
I'm a pig!
Of... course you are.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-21-09
My name is Petunia.
What I'm trying to ask is.... oh! Hello Petunia. Pleased to meet you.
Hi there.
Finally! So how long have you.... wait... isn't Petunia a girl's name?
Uh huh.
You can't tell from where you are, folks, but trust me, that's not a match.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-22-09
Okay, so... your name is Petunia, and that's a girl's name.
Uh huh!
Right. But you know that you are not, in fact, a girl. You're a boy. Right?
..........No, I'm Petunia, silly!
What the hell have I gotten myself into?

 

by ComedyGeek
4-23-09
You know I'm a girl, because Petunia is a girl's name!
Right, right. And you know I'm a "boy" because...
.. because Hank is a boy's name! See? It's easy!
So if my name was Henrietta, I'd be...
SILLY! 'cause you're a boy! Hank is a boy's name. Boys can't have girl's names!
Of course, what was I thinking...

 

by ComedyGeek
4-24-09
So you see, it's all very simple!
Uh, sure, Petunia. But you know, there's ANOTHER way to tell a boy from a girl....
One detailed anatomical explanation later...
...so.... that's how it works. Uh... are you okay, Petunia?
AAAUGH! AAAAAUGH! AUU AUUU AAAAURGH! AUUUAUAUARGH!
WTF???

 

by ComedyGeek
4-25-09
...AAAaugj! aaaugh! Auuuuugh....aaagh.
Hi! I'm Petunia. Who are you?
Uh.... I'm Hank.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-26-09
On the Evening News...
Tonight on Evening News... Canadian Senate to be deterined by scratch-off lotto tickets in a game called Set for Life...
Makes sense.
...reaction is mixed to the new line of eerily life-like dolls from the folks at Uncanny Valley...
They're cute, but in a creepy kind way.
... and funnyman Eugene Levy will be here promoting his new movie, "Uncool White Guy".
That shizzle be crunkin', brah.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-27-09
Another night of Evening News...
Tonight on Evening News... Tiddles the Cat tells us all about his new book, "!01 Reasons to Shed"....
They need reasons?
...our consumer reporter checks out the new mobility device for gay seniors, the Reacharound....
Everyone appreciates those.
..and self-help guru Randy Trousers stops by to tell us about his groundbreaking "Don't Do That!" system...
Self-help? Sorry, Randy, I don't do that.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-28-09
Petunia has some questions
If meat is murder, then is salad manslaughter, or just herbicide?
I'm a herivore. For me, it's lunch.
If "bacterium" is the singular of "bacteria", then what's the singular of "cafeteria"?
Café.
Does calling some numbers "signifigant digits" make the other numbers feel bad?
Only the irrational ones.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-29-09
Tonight! SWINE FLU ARMAGEDDON! When will it KILL YOU? How soon will you DIE? How horrible will your OINKING DOOM be?
We have with us tonight a REAL LIVE SCIENTIST from the CDC! Tell us, Doctor Botie, about our coming BIBLICAL DEATHS?
Actually, people have nothing to worry about. A hundred times more people die from the regular flu each year than this "swine flu".
Well, he's no fun.

 

by ComedyGeek
4-30-09
Music : Male chorus humming "Glory, Hallelujah" softly in background
Hi folks! I'm Petunia, your lovable friend from the Internet's favorte webcomic, Hank Watches Television.
And I'm her friend, companion, and reality interpreter, Hank.
There's been a lot of talk about something called the "swine flu" lately, and on behalf of all pigs, I'd just like to say that it's not our fault.
They didn't ask to be locked away in filthy pens then eaten!
And all you vegans, Muslims, and Jews have to stop giving us dirty looks!
Yeah, what's WITH that anyway?

 

by ComedyGeek
5-01-09
Zoos have always bothered me. I love to see the animals, but I can't ignore the fact that the animals are basically in jail.
Say, cousin, what are you in for?
Same as you, pal. Life sentence for humans finding me cute and fun to look at.
I kinda wish they could put all the animals back where they found them at night, and catch new ones every day.
Say, haven't I captured you before?
Nope, nope. Never seen me before. Say, what kind of tranq darts are those?
Eventually, the animals would start thinking of it like jury duty
By the way, where's Roy today?
Zoo duty. Poor guy. I always get out of it by pretending to be rabid.

 

by ComedyGeek
5-02-09
(idea by Felicity Walker)
Tonight on Evening News.. we talk to Kurt Russell about his new movie, "Escape from John Carpenter"...
Run, Kurt... run!
Our editorial segment asks "Is this a rhetorical question?"
Nope.
And beloved children's author Rita Booke introduces her new novel, "An Embarassment of Witches".
Not another "Rags to Witches" story.

 

by ComedyGeek
5-03-09
There's certain base rules you just have to accept in the world of sitcoms
What am I going to do? If I don't get my boss those Omaha steaks he wants, he'll FIRE me!
Sure, that makes sense.
One is the willingness of people to enforce absurdly harsh rules and conditions
I'm serious! Either I get my steaks or I'll fire a highly valuable employee!
My god, you SUCK!
Of course, this is nothing like what would happen in real life.
Sorry boss, I couldn't get you those steaks you wanted.
How mildly disappointing. Where's the bar?

 

by ComedyGeek
5-04-09
At a Hollywood after-hours bar, two big-time producers wait for a table
So I'm having a nosh at Craft Services and this kid comes up and sinks his teeth into my tuckus.
He what? Oy!
Then he says to me "Someone said you wouldn't know talent if it came up and bit you on the ass, and I wanted to see if it was true."
Hahahaha! Cute, kid, cute.
Yeah, cute. Of course, I had him arrested.
Well of course.

 

by ComedyGeek
5-05-09
At the PoPoMo Gallery
You see, what I do is rip people off by convincing them whatever I do is part of the art.
Hey, that's not very nice.
...which, of course, is all part of the art.
Oh. In that case... brilliant!

 

by ComedyGeek
5-06-09
Have an ice-cold LaSchlitzweiser today!
Jesus, WTF is it with this "ice cold" crap?
For one, "ice cold" is not an inherent property of your beer, so you can't sell it on that quality. For all you know, it'll be piss warm when it gets to me.
And there's only one thing that is "ice cold", and that's ICE. If your beer is a liquid, it's probably just a touch warmer than "ice cold".

 

by ComedyGeek
5-07-09
Some people should not attempt observational comedy. Like, crazy people...
Say, have you ever noticed how the gnomes always smell like my father's testicles? I mean, what's WITH that?
Uh....
...or stupid people...
It's not fair that burritos can go in the microwave but my head can't! Am I right?
Yeah!
... and people in Heaven.
Doesn't it bug you when... no, actually, that's pretty cool.... um... what's the deal with that.... no, that's cool too.... darn!
Told ya.

 

by ComedyGeek
5-08-09
HWT Presents : Woodland Creatures Exchange Classic Punchlines!
Twenty bucks, same as in town!
.. then where's my thermometer?
.. and boy are my arms tired!
... that was my wife!
With that much creosote, how can he waddle?
Porkpie SYNDROME, political SUICIDE train! Phlegm.

 

by ComedyGeek
5-09-09
OK, to all the people who have be making fun of me because I can't swear properly, I just have this to say...
SUCK OFF, you cockfuckers!
This man has a serious disability, And it's only with your donations that we can find a cure.
Call 1-800-PISS-TIT and donate, you mothershitters!

 

by ComedyGeek
5-10-09
One day, in the magical world of marketing...
The results of the focus-group focus-group are in, Mister Johanssen.
Oh? What did they have to say?
It seems people really hate it when things seem too focus-grouped.
I see. How do you plan to solve this problem, Tamantha?
I have six different focus groups working on the it already, Mister Johanssen.
Ah, excellent. Start a seventh to find out the first six are doing a good job.

 

by ComedyGeek
5-11-09
More questions from Petunia
How come every time I regret things, I end up feeling bad about it later?
Because you're a slave to irony.
Can a recovering Catholic stick a communion wafter to his arm and claim he's on the patch?
Only if he gets a special dispensation from Richard Dawkins.
Is it true that you're a fudge packer?
No, dear. I'm the fudge.

 

by ComedyGeek
5-12-09
One fateful day...
Well Hank, Pa says it's time for you to do your job.
Job? I have a job? Nobody told me I had a job! I never even sent out any resumes!
Now you be good to Lurlene and keep her milkin'.
Be nice to who now? And how am I supposed to do that?
*giggle* Hi there.
Uh... keep up the good work?

 

by ComedyGeek
5-13-09
*giggle* You're awful big.
Uh... thanks.
So are we going to do it, or what?
I thought we already were!

 

by ComedyGeek
5-14-09
OK, so.... I'm a cow.
Riiiight.
And you're a bull.
Uh huh.
And what do cows and bulls normally do together?
Have awkward conversations?

 

by ComedyGeek
5-15-09
I'd be one paranoid Messiah.
Now let me be absolutely clear on this : my teachings never, ever, ever, ever justify racial prejudice, genocide, imperialism, hating anyone, or weird rules about food! EVER EVER EVER!
Right, right, gotcha.
One hundred years later...
Clearly, what he meant when he said that was that is that we should slaughter all those filthy oil-hogging pig-eating subhuman monsters that we hate so much in the country next to ours.
Makes sense to me!

 

by ComedyGeek
5-15-09
Look, this is stupid. I'm gonna graze. Talk to me again if you figure it out.
Uh, Hank, I think she wants you to....
One detailed anatomical explanation later...
I BEG YOUR PARDON, MADAM?!?

 

by ComedyGeek
5-16-09
You mean you seriously didn't KNOW? What are you, some kinda RETARD?
Firstly, madam, there is no such word as "retard" in the sense you are using it. Secondly, ignorance is not stupidity unless it is willful.
And what's with all that fancy talk? You talk like a FAG!
Indeed.
A short, pregnant pause later...
OMG, that's it, isn't it? You're an invert, aintcha, one of those fag bulls!
We prefer the term "alternative lifestyle livestock".

 

by ComedyGeek
5-17-09
I can't BELIEVE this! I'm a blue ribbon show cow AND a champion milker, and they put me in a paddock with some disgusting FAG BULL? You make me SICK, you muck-sniffing degenerate SCUM!
Now listen here, missy, I didn't ask for you to...
Pa says the ones that ain't good for milkin' are always good for eatin'.
!
Uh... about what I just said...
Too late, pot roast.

 

by ComedyGeek
5-18-09
What do you think of optional possession?
I can take it or leave it.
Are you normal?
Not often, and never on purpose.
Have you tried lucid dreaming?
I can barely manage lucid *waking*.

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