All comics by JonProctor

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by JonProctor
3-24-05
Officer Dickwod and Priest Opera were in the police station when the saw a lengendary member of strip creator.
There's a speeder over there. I'm gonna get him. It looks like....oh my god......!
Oh, my god. Is that....? Oh, it is. It's the Anus bleeding man. Shit!
The officer was killed and the killer went straight for the priest.
Oh my god! The officer is dead and the killer is coming my way! eek.
Here are the four words that you are wanting to here..........
My anus is bleeding.

 

by JonProctor
3-24-05
Officer Dickwod and Priest Opera were in the police station when the saw a lengendary member of strip creator.
There's a speeder over there. I'm gonna get him. It looks like....oh my god......!
Oh, my god. Is that....? Oh, it is. It's the Anus bleeding man. Shit!
The officer was killed and the killer went straight for the priest.
Oh my god! The officer is dead and the killer is coming my way! eek.
Here are the four words that you are wanting to here..........
My anus is bleeding.

 

by JonProctor
3-24-05
The north pole...............
Merry Christmas, Uncle Santa!
Oh no! Your legs are on fire and it's spreading up!
A fire started and something had to be done.
Help! I'm on fire!
What do I do, what do I do?
Merry Christmas for three months ago!
Thanks.
You're welcome!

 

by JonProctor
3-24-05
Gaylord household headquarters
Mom, the guinea pig's exploded again!
(squeak)!
Church- funeral......
Thanks for coming, Reverend Nevercares. Why's my uncle Arsewiggle dead?
Who's your Uncle Arsewiggle?
Chruch........
He was my guinea pig that exploded all over my mom's wedding dress.
It landed where?!

 

by JonProctor
3-24-05
School's out- by Alice Cooper
Die, principal, die!
Help! He's insane!
Cleanin' out my closet- by EMINEM
I hate cleaning out this fucking closet!
Love on the rocks- Neil Diamond
Oh yes! Give it to me hard up the arse!
We're gonna have triplets tonight!

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
The Osbournes- Take 1
Sharon, what the (beep) is that comic guy doing in our lives?
I don't know Ozzy. Why do you always have to (beep) swear?
The osbournes- Take 2
I don't know. It just runs in the (beep) family doesn't it? I mean, the kids swear all the fu(beep) ing time and it (beep) me off.
Yeah, I've noticed that. Those stupid bast(beep)ds keep editing it for MTV on mornings. I hope they don't do that on our last fu(beep)ing episode. I'm going for a sh(beep)t.
The Osbournes- Take 3
Who the f(beep)ck are you?!
I'm your biggest fan. Give me ya autograph.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
The Osbournes- Take 1
Sharon, what the (beep) is that comic guy doing in our lives?
I don't know Ozzy. Why do you always have to (beep) swear?
The osbournes- Take 2
I don't know. It just runs in the (beep) family doesn't it? I mean, the kids swear all the fu(beep) ing time and it (beep) me off.
Yeah, I've noticed that. Those stupid bast(beep)ds keep editing it for MTV on mornings. I hope they don't do that on our last fu(beep)ing episode. I'm going for a sh(beep)t.
The Osbournes- Take 3
Who the f(beep)ck are you?!
I'm your biggest fan. Give me ya autograph.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
How ya doin' luv?
Not good. I have tourettes FUCK YA MAM syndrome.
Is it bad, Jimmy Joe Suck my Toe?
Yes. I can't go to church anymore. I miss it BLOW JOBBY so much.
I know a good doctor. He's called Dr I'm-gay-and-want-to-dog-you-in-the-men's-room-over-there. That doctor is me.
Really? Is he a TICKLE MY BALLS WITH AN ICE CREAM CONE good one?

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
How are you doing? My cat's a killa.
It looks like a piece of shit man!
Kill Mr Asswiggle, Kill!
Oh, Shit! He's gonna attack me I'm so bloody scared.
(gargle) Oh- sh- shi-. I'm dying........SHIT ON ME HELP ! HELP. I DON'T WANNA DIE! SEW ME BACK TOGETHER. HELP!

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Dude, have you heard? That rocker has come out of hospital today. He says that he's gonna kill that weird looking cat.
Really? Wow. I thought he was dead. That cat is a born-to-be killer. Have you seen what that cat did to main street? I'll take you there right now!
Wow! Look what it did to this place!
Dude, I'm just gonna check out that building that's shaped like an ass.
Oh, shit. It's the cat. It's the one that Tommy said lookws like a piece of shit. Wait a minute......it kinda does. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Laugh it all up, kid. I've just took Mr Asswiggle to the vets. He's had a special powered chip inserted up his anus. He has ice powers like Sub-Zero in Mortal Kombat!

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
brrrrrrrrr. S-s-s-s-so.......c-c-c-c-colllddd. brrrrr.
Holy shit! What happened to you, Braddy Assmilk? Drink this. It's a cool relief ass drink.
Thanks, Timmy Twix. I thought I'd die for sure.
Dude, less of that. We've gotta continue our quest. We've got to eliminate that stupid cat. Who's next. Me, you again or Tommy.
Well, if me and Tommy have already been attacked.........your next.
Damn! Let's contact officer Dickwod. If the Anus-bleeding guy knocked him down with a car and he survived, there's a a 100% chance that he's still worthy to do it.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Officer, we need your help. There's a killer cat on the loose, led by a ginger dude. It's official that he could strike anywhere next.
I see. Where is the headquarters of this so-called Killer Cat?
I don't know. But my friend, Tommy Hitchfield was beheaded by the monster and Main Street was destroyed.
Hmmmmm, I see. If we strike soon at a certain place that they hang out most, we might just catch them.
Let's start this search for the Killers.
Is that a girly dress?

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Hi, I'm back. Who are you looking for?
That smart-ass killer cat. We need to eliminate it as soon as possible. We don't know where it's gonna strike next.
There's a dead person over there. The Killer Cat went for me but I dodged it and then it ran away. I managed to break it's owner's nose though.
Oh, shit! There they are! Help!
Ha ha. They'll never know that this isn't my real identity. This is a wig and fake moustache. My cat will kill once more.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Dude, they killed Timmy! Damn!
What?! It can't be. We're gonna have to kill that Cat once and for all.
I think this is about when I broke that guy's nose. He'll be so angry that he'll kill officer Dic-- oh no.
What? What is it?
I know who the killer is!
You do?

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
North pole
Ho ho ho. Where's my cookies?
They're in the oven. They'll be ready in ten minutes.
Meanwhile at the White house.
It's Santa Clause!
Santa?! What made you think that?
Don't you see? On every dead body, the ginger man left a picture of Santa on their chest!
I know how we can bust him. He's at the mall on thursday. We can get him then!

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Ho Ho Ho! What do you want for christmas?
Your ass, Santa. Where's your cat?
I don't know what you mean. I don't ahve a cat. I have a dog called Nicholas at the north pole. You are mistaken.
Don't play games with me, fatty. I know that you killed Timmy. Don't back down! You beheaded me and left me for dead!
You are the killer, fatty!
Er........Tommy? The killer is over there. You are mistaken. I think you owe Santa a kick up the ass, steal all the presents and then apoligise for the mistake.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
We're coming Killer. We're gonna swipe your cat!
We're gonna casterate your godamn cat!
Yeah. I remember that movie. Did you see The Incredibles?
Yeah, that was amazing. I still think that Toy Glory's the best. I mean- - Toy Story. I'm so flippin' drunk.
Timmy, you're alive? I thought that the killercat killed you!
Hey, why's Freddy ran away when you mentioned the killer ca- -holy shit! He's the...........killer kat's owner!

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
It's better to kill in the dark, Braddy. Ha ha ha!
Help!
Kill kitty. Kill!
Not this again!
Oh, my god. The killer's killed Braddy!
Shit! I'm dead. I thought I'd be in heaven by now.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Helllppp!!!
Holy crap! Who the hell are you?
Out of all the people that have been down here, you're the thickest. I'm Satan Oliver Devil. Please, make yourself at home, you little shit!
Oh, not you too Tommy.
Don't say a single word that has Cat in it......or dark or getting your head ripped off again, okay?

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Two down one to go. Are you ready to die and join your friends in hell?
That's it! I'm sick and tired of you pushing me around. This is the end of everything.
No it isn't. It's the end for you but not for me. Mr Asswiggle will make sure of that.
It's time for you to die. My kangaroo will make sure of that. He has an AK-74 machine gun that'll blast holes through you and your shit-look-a-like cat. Kill 'em bouncer!
The end........-- for now.
I'm gonna blow holes through your balls.
Good boy, Bouncer.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
I love this Fifa Street game, Eddy.
Me too. You're kicking my ass on it though.
Shit!
Your goalkeeper is crap, Drake. My crappest player just scored past you.
Who's your crappest player?
Beckham.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
5 hours later.
Are you still on Fifa Street, Eddy?
No. I can't put the controller down.
I know why you can't. It's because the game's too good isn't it.
Not exactly.
Then why can't you put it down?
My hands are stuck to it.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Am gonna kick ya ass.
No you're not. My brother's over there and he has a shotgun. If ya kick me arse, he'll shoot ya and then you'll have nee hands to punch with. What dee ya think o' that?
I think I'll kick ya ass. Yee brother mightn't have what ye call bullets, son. So bad luck for you.
If ya kick me brother's fat arse, you'll have to lick the shit off the end of this gun because of just been poking with it.
Whoops. That wasn't me.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
I belive in a thing called shit. Just listen to the rhythm of me farts. There's a mic in front of me now. It'll talk when I finish this song. THANK YOU!
What the hell was that? You sang the wrong words, you piece of turd.
Doctor, my mic told me to come and see you about my use of forgetting lyrics.
Why the hell do you forget the lyrics, you piece of turd?
That's exactly what my mic said to me.
Your Mic talks? Gee, I thought my last patient was crazy. He said I had a lizard head.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
But you do doctor. It's red, too.
I do? It's weird that in the family portrait I have brown hair and a cute face.
But you do doctor. It's red, too.
Well, when I look into the mirror I have a lovely human face?
But you do doctor. It's red, too.
Will you shut the fuck up!

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Honey, I have to leave. I have to get plastic surgery on my so-called lizard face.
Be back for supper, Rex.
Are you ready to go Doctor Redface?
Yes. As long as I get my face changed.
Is my face red and lizard-like?
No. You have the face of Brad Pitt.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
What can I do for you, Dr Redface?
I need plastic surgery to change my face to a human one.
There's nothing wrong with your face. You look cool. I'll do surgery on your friends brain though.
Done and done.
After 2 days of surgery.
I can see clearly now my brain is gone. I can- - wow. When did you get surgery?
Nothing. You've just had your brain ripped out and I've found out that I was never a lizard. It was because you have Brain-ass-like-monkey-fart-fruit-atosis.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
I can't belive that my brother choked on a pretzel and ended up in a coffin.
You'll get over it Thomas. My brother's shoelace was tied to tight and his foot exploded.
I remember when he used to throw eggs at me when I was in the shower. I remember when he farted in chruch and everybody left.
Yes. I remember that day aswell. I nearly retired due to the horrific smell that drifted through the room. That fart killed my Grandma Carwash.
Who the hell is Grandma Carwash? Next your gonna tell me that you have an Uncle Helicopter.
I do. He lives in Chicago with his wife, Auntie Carpet-burn.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Where's my spot cream?
Has the elephant-sized boil came back on your arse?
Who the fuck are you and take that cloth off.
I'm your brother. I've came to give you the anus cream.
Why do stupid things happen to me bro? Oh, at your funeral, Priest Dickface told me he had an Uncle Helicopter.
Ha ha! He always used to make me cough up logs of shit.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Phil. I thought you were dead!
I was. I choked on a pretzel when I went to see Motley Crue.
Why didn't you call me on your trip, Phil?
I couldn't! I was dead. There are no phones in heaven, Honey.
Damn. Here's my gaylord brother.
How's it going, Philly?

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
What do you want?
Give me all your money!
I don't care if you shoot me. I'm already dead.
Don't play dumb with me. I've been watching you all day. Give me your money or else.
What the- -

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
What's wrong, Phillip?
I've got to die again. There's a hunter on my ass.
Let's quickly get back to the church, Phil.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Phillip. Go back to the church while you can. I'm gonna die.
I'll see you in heaven bro. I've got to leave while I still can.
Not again!
Your ass is grass!

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
I'm here. I'm actually at the church where my funeral was held.
How was time on earth again, Phillip?
Amazing. I saw my brother, my girlfriend, you and a hunter who's been on my ass all day. I have to go now. See ya. (gargle)
What the fuck are you doing here?
Remember, the explosion killed me?

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Yo, bouncer. How do you think Tommy and Braddy are doing in hell and all?
They'll be just fine, Timmy. As long as we have this AK-74 we're safe. Assbags that get in my way will get this. Do you hear a missile whistle?
Meanwhile in hell
I need a day job.
Me too.
Will Main Street ever be good?
A straight no.

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Comics. Comics of what we read. These tell the lives of different characters around the world.
There's two questions behind this comic strip.
Number 1: What is strip creator?
Number 2: Will the anus bleeding guy return.
The answer to the first one is plain and simple. Strip Creator is a kick-ass comic making website- -
And the answer to number 2 is: unknown. Will the creator of the anus bleeding man return? Or will the strips be taken over by someone else. We need the man. Anus Bleeding man! Anus bleeding man!

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Wow, Tommy! I thought you were dead!
Stop being a little shit! Satan gave me and Brad the time off. But there's a problem.
What seems to be the problem, Tommy?
Gaylord and Asswiggle are back too. Satan's a dumbass.
I heard that!

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Wow, Ozzy! I'm going to Ozfest.
Don't play dumb. We've got to eliminate this so-called Cat Killer.
Damn, Ozzy's dead.
Ha, ha, ha. They don't know I'm here.
Ha, ha, ha. He doesn't know that I busted outta Jail after I killed him. Divy!

 

by JonProctor
4-07-05
Crap, Bouncer's dead!
So are you!
Yes, I killed another. I killed Tommy and Brad again, too. Oh no my identity is fading! I must return to the headquarters!
Damn, my secret identity! Atleast everyone's dead and I'm alive.
Not quite, Killer. I have returned. MY ANUS IS BLEEDING.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Dude, this dope is getting me high. I'm stoned.
That isn't dope. That's just a matchstick that's been set alight.
Hey, I'm so high that I can see giant dope sticks running around with smoke drifting from their ass.
Hey, what the hell are you doing? I'm real dope. That's just a matchstick!
It's real enough to get me stoned and see butterflies. I can even see that Dr Redface really has a lizard head. I thought the rocker was weird.
Well, I've got news for you. The rocker had brain surgery and saw that I wasn't a lizard. The only effect is that he still forgets lyrics. You have the same disease he had because you're sight is gay.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Dude, my great great great great great great great great grandfather's croaked and I need to go back in time with you to change it.
Okay, press the red button on your watch and you'll go back in time with me. 1, 2, 3!
"Jim and Rex. You are going back in time. Since I think you're gaylords, I'm gonna mess it up for you. I'm taking you to World War ll. SUCKAS!"
"Jim! Help, I'm in an office with that voice dude. He's really weird!"
I'll save you, Jim! Hang in there!
I'm not Jim. I'm Kenny!

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
You thought you could outsmart me? I'm the ultimate time machine voice.
I know. But you aren't the machine.
Wow. What're you doing here?
To save your greasy ass!

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Why is there a dog on a beach ball? It's supposed to be the wild west!
woof woof woof. YOU ARE GAY! woof woof woof woof.
Did the dog just say that I was gay?
woof woof woof woof. I THINK YOU'RE A PUSSY! woof woof woof woof.
Did that dog just call me a pussy? I'm sure it just did!
woof woof woof woof woof. LICK MY BALLS! woof woof woof.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
I have a problem with this film, Eddy!
What seems to be the problem?
There weren't any dogs on balls or clowns in the wild west and I'm sure the dog talks!
Just do what you're told, Ivan!
This is stupid!
WANKER!

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
Sarah, you're too young to watch porn!
W-w-wa-wanker.
Where did you learn that awful word, Sarah?!
D-d-d-doggy. Swearing d-d-d-d-doggy.
ANUS DRINK!
I'm gonna kill you!!

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
You taught my daughter horrible words didn't you?
I'm not who you think, Ivan. I'm not really a dog- - well I am but your son. I came back from the dead as a dog.
Oh my god! Where did you learn those words?
The neighbour taught me.
A few hours later.
That teaches you not to mess with us. Never teach my kids those words again, King Assmilk!
Get me down, Ivan, please!

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
When I was little, my mother hated me and she still does. She used to throw me on the streets and make me beg for money.
I said "Mom, you look like an ass and smell like the indide of one". She slapped me and I never saw her since.
But the saddest thing was when I was seventeen. My girlfriend was cheating on me with the football coach just because he had tree trunk legs.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
I think it was when I was ten, my teacher stabbed my in the thigh with a fountain pen. So I got my ruler and shoved it down her throat. I had to go to jail for two years.
Do you ever shut up, Steve?
Let's see what you are reading.
Come on, give it back.
Ha, ha, ha. Why is there pictures of my wife in the bath tub............and with y-you.
It was a mistake, I tell you, a mistake! She lured me into the room and ripped my clothes off and I couldn't resist. I'm sorry, Steven. I'm so blummin' sorry.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
I'm gonna kill you for sleeping with my wife!
Oh, my legs, arms, nose- - oh what the heck, my whole body. I shoulsn't have let him know.
I can't live anymore. I'm gonna hammer nails into my head.
No, it's not worth it! She's only a woman with a nice ass!
Oww!!!!!! This is more painful than it looks.

 

by JonProctor
4-08-05
So, did Steve get out of hospital?
No. He has to have surgery becuase the nail's too far into his skull.
Oh, no. He'll be getting Dr Redface! He's the wrost surgeon there is. He actually tried it on himself and his face was deformed like a lizard's.
He's already had the surgery. He's on his way in a Taxi now.
10 minutes later.........
How do I look, David?
It's that bad that I can't look!

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