Hi Mom! It's me, your fucking retarded, inbred cousin/brother/clone. I just found out my asshole is a Slurpee machine. Care for one?
FUCK! He knows! I can kill him. . .or devour the evidence. . .
When family isn't enough and love is difficult . . .
I have "Hand's been in my sweaty crotch flavor!"
Er. . .well. . .what flavors do you have?
There's only one thing!
That's OK. . .I shit in your Slurpee anyway.
Very good son? Your sweaty crotch smells and tastes a lot like lilac! But I'm going to devour you now, anyway. . .yummy yummy yummy. . .got bastard kid in my tummy. . .
You know. . .I think that pink donkey is randomly taking over people's minds and bodies and sticking his head up my ass. . .it's the third time today and I just GOT UP!
When I hammer the nail in HERE, I piss myself. I feel very warm.
Surprise Element
Speaking of which . . .for a stick figure. . .you have a great ass. . .sure would like to. . .
Little does he know I've already driven a nail into my "shit myself" center, blocking his angle of attack. . .what a clever pinhead I am. I must remember to mastrubate congratulatorily later.
Punchline
Wait. . .uhm. . .what was I saying?
Fuck if I know, bitch. . .I'm trying to figure out why my hammer smells like shit. Then I'm gonna stick a can of whipped cream in my nose.
Meanwhile back at Dr. Pickle-Dick's Funtime Abortion Clinic:
"Dear Shithead. . .no one loves you. You are the Angel Of Death and must climb up a bell tower with a high-powered rifle" How'd THEY get my name?
Hey, fucktard. . .did my Playboy come yet? I'm tiching to see some spread, puckered female assholes!
No, sorry, Shit-stain. . .didn't see any Playboys except for the one I had to wipe my ass with . .
FUCKING BITCH! I LIVE for my Playboys! I'm a fucking talkin squirrel. . .my options are limited. . .all I can DO is sit around the house and get high. . .you fucking cockweasel. . .I oughta. . .
Ten seconds later . . .
Jesus, Shit-stain. . .did you HAVE to shove my legs up my ass like that?
Goddamn right, bitch, don't fuck with Kung-Fu Grip . . .now I'm gonna fuck your girlfriend with those "D" batteries ya bought. . .
Good Afternoon, dearie. . .did you enjoy your Christmas Presents?
And I also got possessed my a demon!
Dear, you did NOT see Santa's pee-pee. That was your Daddy (I think) and he ALWAYS forgets his pants after too much Night Train . . .and you did NOT get possessed
Who's possessed now, BITCH!??!
Damn it. . .now she's set me on fire. . .of all the times to have to take a piss. . .
Following the completion of another dazziling adventure through time and space, TIME BISCUT MAN basks in the adultaion of the masses. . .
Thank you, TIME BISCUT MAN! You've saved Earth from being destroyed by a rogue meteor AND fucked up the timestream to allow for a mutant rabbit takeover!
A WINNER IS ME!
What do you plan to do now?
FUCK SHEEP!
WHAAAAT? Jesus, TIME BISCUT MAN. . .you're a sheepfucking loser!
Fuck if I know, man. I just joined up because I could be gay and carry a gun. I've seen so many asses I dunno which ones to fuck and which ones to pop a cap in.
Jesus Christ, Ted, I really wish you'd keep that shit to yourself.
Hey, FUCK YOU, Eddie, or was that someone else's dick in my ass last night?
Hey, Bernie, you remember the days when Dark Gods of the Netherworld got some respect? Damn it, that was back when men were fucking MEN!
Ayyyyyyup.
And you remember our annual Christmas parties when we'd get drunk and photocopy our asses and bag secretaires?
Ayyyyyyup.
And do you remember that time you passed out on the couch and I whipped my dick out and put it next to your face and took Polaroids and pssed 'em around to the office?
Yep . . .by the way, how's the wife and kids, Donnie? Your stupid slut wife is bitching and moaning for child support on those 15 bastard chlidren I sired with her while you were making me look gay.
Saturday Night in the town of Fistfuck, NC. . .and Shit-stain the Happy Squirrel is trying to get his groove on
Hi! I'm JUST drunk enough to think your doughy tired ass is sexy. . .wanna go someplace private and let me root around in your various orifices?
You know. . .I haven't had a rodent in my ass since the prayer breakfast last Sunday, but . . .nahh. . .I promised my husband I'd let him see if he didn't drop his keys down my vagina last Thursday.
Hi, Bulbous Head Evil Eyed Woman. . .ever made it with a muff-diver hairier than your own muff?
Fuck off, squirrel-shit. I'm goin' home with Cthulu tonight! He's a demon god who knows how to treat a woman right!
Hey, Shit-stain. . .heard you were looking for an ass to crawl into tonight . . .here, climb in!
*sighs* Well, I WAS holding out for a woman. . .but fuck it, I'm too drunk to care.
Can't talk right now, God of Booze. I'm experimenting with a new remedy for constipation.
It looks like you;re hammering nails into your head. Then again, I AM so drunk I'm seeing elves march out of my nostrils.
Nahh. . .you must be a little sober. . .I AM hammering nails into my head. . .ahhh yeah. . .I love peeing on myself. . .it's almost maternal warmth. . .
You just pissed yourself? So did I! Don;t ya love that relaxation and the feeling of warmth?
Yup, and I just triggered the "shit" lobe of my brain. Hot chcolate here I come. . .and there it goes. . .I feel warm. And like I have a pound of brownies in my undies.
Oh SURE Mom, loads of fun. . .I can;t imagine anything more wonderful than spending two hours locked in a metal coffing with a delusional psychotic like you.
Hey sweetie! Pile your chubby fat-camp washout ass into the car! We're going to go on a drive! Won't that be FUN!
Oh, for CHRIST'S sake, ma. . .
Are you saying you DON'T want to go on a car ride with me. . .Oh I can remember when you loved to go riding with your mother, even when I had to lure you to the car with candy .. . .
Y'know Mom, being around you is like being fucked in stab wounds by mad dogs.
That's nice, dear, now get in the fucking car before I have to get the lead pipe.
JESUS must like you very much to turn you into a roach!
Honestly, y'know, I'm not quite sure. I think it has more to do with the total dehuminazation of the individual self reduced to its base instincts symbolized in the lowest of insect life.
Nonsense! JESUS made you a roach so you can dispose of my garbage in a natural way!
That's it, Tom. . .tonight I scurry down your mouth and lay my eggs in your chest. My revenge will be something outta "Alien."
In twenty seconds I will start a comic that will decry the appropriation of other people's works to make some dumbass joke.
Hurm. And he'll be a hypocrite for doing it.
Yeah, I mean, how many times is this fucking hack gonna re-order his "fucks," "shits," and other colourful adjectives into some lame three-panel joke?
Hurm. Kovacs does not know. Rorshach does not now. . .10:21 a.m. Dead dog on road . . .
Hey, knock that fucking shit off, Inkblot boy. You did NOT see a dead dog this morning. . .you at my house eating all my shit up and never getting off the phone till 5 a.m.
Jesus Christ man. . .how many times do I have to see you stroking that cat with that fucked-up cranked up look on your face, Greenblatt?
As many times as I fucking feel like. I love cats.
Well, y'know, there's nothing wrong with that, but geez. . .you're ALWAYS carrying him. Even to the bathroom. It's weird.
Well, son, I didn't want to tell you this, but I'm really the cat. Greenblatt is just a robot and I work the controls by licking his nipples through his shirt.
I hope you fucking die, Dad.
That's one of the reasons I claim you son. . .you're stupid enough to lie to.
Y'know what I hate? Finding out someone's replaced the tip of your penis with Ronald Regan's head.
I hate that too, son. . .and I was castrated in the Great Clown War of 98!
Y'know what I hate? I hate it when you pee on yourself, and there you are, enjoying the warm feeling, and then someone points and laughes because you were preaching at church at the time!
Arf Arf! I hate that fucking bullshit too! Wanna sniff my ass?
Y'know what I hate? I hate it when the guy who fucked you up the ass at a party because he was so drunk he thought you were his girlfriend breaks up with you via mail.
I draw comics of my own neuroses and fucking headless women!
JESUS wants you to fuck headless women! Conquer your neuroses for GOD!
I pass a 6-foot string of elastic through my intestines and molest women!
JESUS wouldn't like that, Davey.
Fucking hell, Don. . .we can't do this. There's no way to parody this movie in three panels. It's too fucked up. How do you make jokes about humping cowboy boots?
I'm gonna tell you hat I'm gonna do. . .I'm gonna whup you upside the head. . .for JESUS!
I will get whupped up side the head for JESUS!
You can't close the freedom school! JESUS doesn't want you to! I will GO BERSERK! For JESUS!
But wait a second--Billy, aren't you down with the ancient animist religions of the Native Americans? What about getting bitten by the snake over and over again?