All comics by deucepm

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by deucepm
12-08-01
HOLY MY PENIS! THE END IS NIGH?!

 

by deucepm
12-08-01
Hey there, big guy. We all chipped in and got you something.
What the hell is THAT?
You give so much of yourself year in and year out that we thought it was past time to show our appreciation.
The aliens have landed! Art Bell was right!
So we hope you'll enjoy this...
My anus is throbbing already! Save me, Tommy Lee Jones!

 

by deucepm
12-08-01
Look, Santa, I'm NOT an alien. I'm an elf.
Well, you LOOK like a friggin' alien. I thought my elves were little midgety guys, not green pointy freakazoids.
Is that any way to talk to somebody who's brought you a gift?
Yeah, right. Like that box isn't filled with black cancer.
Gettin' into the eggnog a little early this year, fatso?
Just keep your distance, molester from beyond the stars.

 

by deucepm
12-08-01
Look, you bloated psychopath, if you don't want the gift, I'll just return it!
I'm just saying, I don't want my will to be bent to the collective.
Fine. Whatever. If you need me, I'll be throwing one kick-ass kegger.
Resistance is futile, my ass.

 

by deucepm
12-09-01
I could take him.
No you couldn't.

 

by deucepm
12-09-01
Here's why you couldn't take me, Senor Kringle: I was born to bring peace to the world, and through my death, save the souls of every single person on the planet. YOU bring 'em toys.
We still kick the shit out of Hanukkah, right?
Oh HELL yeah.

 

by deucepm
12-09-01
I just read the GREATEST THING! You'll never guess!
There's a chance--a very, very slim chance, but a CHANCE--that--are you ready?!--BRUCE CAMPBELL MIGHT BE PLAYING BOBA FETT IN EPISODE 3!!!!!
Had to be done.
I'm in unbearable pain, but that news is still so COOL!

 

by deucepm
12-09-01
Death has come for you, Brad Pitt.
Whuh?
Snatch, The Mexican, Spy Game and now Ocean's Eleven?! It's too much to be endured. You've got to be stopped.
Oh, whatever. Wanna come back to my place? We can get really wasted and watch Jen strip for us.
I cannot be bought by--wait a minute, your wife will strip for you in front of strangers? How d'ya pull that off?
I'm Brad F'n Pitt, dude.

 

by deucepm
12-09-01
Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...
Willow, your magic use is getting out of control!
Oh, shut up, Buffy. I can do anything now. In fact, I just killed all the vampires in the world. Presto.
But you're messing with people's lives! You're not God!
I also just changed your sexual orientation.
Let's go home and do things to each other that would give Anne Heche an anyeurism.
Man, being an evil sorceress RULES.

 

by deucepm
12-09-01
Hey, Will, I heard you--
--turned the entire Scooby Gang into my personal harem? Why, yes I did. Let me tell you, Anya's been VERY enthusiastic.
Well, how about a little sugar for Xander?
Oh, I've got something special in mind for you...oh, Spikey?
Whatcha think of the new look?
Damn, she IS evil.

 

by deucepm
12-09-01
This is Geraldo Rivera reporting from outside the White House, and as the search for America's enemies goes on, we are--
Pop.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT! DID YOU HEAR THAT?! SNIPER FIRE! ALL AROUND ME! JESUS, THEY'VE FOLLOWED ME HERE! RUN! RUN, ALL OF YOU! THEY'VE COME FOR MEEEE!

 

by deucepm
12-09-01
You've seen it happen.
Ya know...
No spill blood. No kill.
You've heard the words.
...whut with th' weather bein' all warm this year...
NO SPILL BLOOD. NO KILL.
Avoid being killed this holiday season and keep your friggin' observations about the weather to yourself.
...it just don't feel like Christmas!
KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

by deucepm
12-29-01
Well, here we go...
*sigh*
Just once, I'd like to use a rope.

 

by deucepm
12-29-01
Hi. I'm Leonard Shelby. I've probably told you about my condition. You see, I can't make new memories, and after a few minutes, I...er...
Oh, hello! My name is Leonard Shelby! Sorry if I've already said this. You see, I have a memory problem, and...and I, uh...
Oh, pleasure to meet you, I'm Leonard--
SHUT THE HELL UP!

 

by deucepm
12-29-01
Morning, honey. You want some break--oh. Oh, no.
What? What's the matter?
Were you just picking your fucking nose?! That's sickening! I can't look at you the same way ever again. Ahmina get my divorce on.
Are you insane?! After all the disgusting things you've done, you're gonna divorce me because you caught me picking my nose?
Yeah. Kinda ironic, isn't it?
W--hey, yeah, it is!

 

by deucepm
12-29-01
Morning, whoreypants!
Tom, I've asked you not to call me that.
Oh, right. Sorry. Morning, sweetpussy!
Hey! That one, too!
Uh...morning, angeltwat?
You are so fucking divorced.

 

by deucepm
12-29-01
*FART*

 

by deucepm
12-30-01
Sadly, after Christmas, Frosty suffers from a bit of post-holiday depression...
MELT ME, YOU BIG YELLOW BASTARD! END MY SUFFERING!
You know, this is a lot quicker...
Rudloph returns to his true calling, that of a homicide detective...
This looks like a crime of passion. Let's get the husband in The Box. Bayliss, I want you in there with me.
You got it, 'Dolph. Let's take this scumbag down!
While Santa relaxes with a few drinks, some movies and enough adrenachrome to kill a mule.
Santa, are you--
Let's do the village! LET'S DO THE WHOLE VILLAGE, MAN!

 

by deucepm
1-01-02
Well, pretty much the same plan as last year; collect pollen, sting people and die.
I resolve to be used more often. Mark my words, 2002 is the year of mike3-2!
I resolve to continue hammering this nail into my head.
I resolve to cornhole you.
RRRRAAARRRGH! LITTLE ASIAN GIRL TOOK TOBOR'S RESOLUTION!
How the hell would that even work?

 

by deucepm
1-06-02
Wanna go see a movie tonight?
Sure. What's playing?
A film about a guy whose wife has Alzheimer's. He tries to revive her memory by cooking her favorite stir-fry dishes.
What's it called?
"A Wok To Remember."
Hurts...so...much...

 

by deucepm
1-06-02
You're right. That was an awful joke. Let's see something else.
Okay. What else is showing?
Actually, it's kind of in the same vein...it's about a stir-fry cook from Cairo who becomes a success.
And this masterpiece is called...
"Wok Like An Egyptian."
I'm burning your Spider Robinson books.

 

by deucepm
1-07-02
All right, no movie. Let's watch TV instead.
Fine. Just no more puns.
There's a show on tonight about a quirky single female lawyer who moonlights as a spy.
Oh, sweet Lord no...
It's called "Alias McBeal."
Lord, grant me the strength to kill this man.

 

by deucepm
1-13-02
So does anybody have any thoughts on how to spend this newfound cash?
Whores!
Whores.
We could invest it in a money market account, with dividends of...
Oh, who am I kiddin'. WHORES!

 

by deucepm
1-13-02
Did you get that check like I asked you? I've got to pay off the bandwidth today.
Yeah...about that...
What? What "about what?!"
Look, let me say in advance that I think this is gonna be much more useful to you than any silly bandwidth.
What did you spend my money on?!
A solid gold ocelot.

 

by deucepm
1-13-02
YOU SPENT MY NEWFOUND WINDFALL ON A SOLID GOLD OCELOT?!
Uh...yes?
I'm VERY disappointed in you, boy.
How am I supposed to afford that platinum stoat now?
I sorry.

 

by deucepm
1-13-02
Hi. I need a cash return on this solid gold ocelot.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Company policy dictates that I can only give you store credit.
What?! But...but all you have in here is solid gold animals!
Why, that's simply not true, sir. For instance, my kitty here is made of bronze and platinum. And some sand.
Give me STRENGTH...
Isn't he cute as the dickens? Kiss the kitty! Come on! Kiss the kitty!

 

by deucepm
1-13-02
Foiled in his attempt to get his money back, Brad walks sullenly home.
Rassin frassin stupid ocelot...
Pardon me, my good man! I couldn't help noticing that ocelot you're dragging behind you!
I'm willing to offer you a sackful of magic beans for that ocelot!
Are you nuts? I'm not gonna trade this thing for any stupid magic be--
Or, if it suits your fancy, I could simply jack your monkey ass and take said ocelot. It's your choice. Go for the beans.

 

by deucepm
1-13-02
Well, this has been one shitty day. Robbed of all my cash, and all I've got are these stupid "magic beans."
Might as well go home and figure out what I'm going to--
Due to illness, the part of the Beanstalk will be played by the MX Missile.
Wow! A Beanstalk!

 

by deucepm
1-13-02
Cool! A kingdom in the clouds!
What ho, good sir knight!
Hast thou come to free us from our bondage to the terrible giant? Oh, prithee, good sir, say that thou art our deliverer!
...the what now?
There's a big dude up here that treats us like crap. Cap him and we'll give you his cash. Fuckin' illiterate.

 

by deucepm
1-13-02
Kill the giant?! I don't know anything about killing giants! How did I get myself into this?!
Oh, well, it can't be that hard, can it? It's not like he's--Oh, SHIT!
FEE, FI, FO, FUM! TOBOR WILL NOW CORNHOLE YOUR BUM!

 

by deucepm
1-13-02
AHHHHH!
Get back here, you wuss! He's just a giant! He'll be easy to kill!
Forget it, you little freak! I like my ass just the way it is, without a giant metal phallus in it!
Oh, come on. Look, he's got a weak spot. If you hit him there, he'll go down like a shot!
And this weak spot is where?
Uhhh..*cough*rightonthe endofhisthingy.

 

by deucepm
1-13-02
Ooookay. Let's try this again...
RRRRAAAARRRGH!!
Back, evil giant! I know your secret weakness! One step closer and it's nut shot time!
NO! NOT THAT! TOBOR SURRENDERS AND OFFERS UP ALL HIS GOLD IN TRIBUTE!
You get the feeling the writer couldn't thing of an ending?
TOBOR NOT ABLE TO THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE.

 

by deucepm
1-13-02
And so, Brad returned to stripcreator headquarters a wealthy man.
Now that the bandwidth's taken care of, what else should we get?
Sock puppets?
The people of the clouds lived in peace and harmony.
How much?
*sigh* Five dollahs, sucky sucky. (Why did I want to get rid of that giant again?)
And even the giant found his place in the world.
I've got a large clientele, Big Red, so ahmina need you to cornhole forty, fifty people a day.
TOBOR SO HAPPY...EVEN A RED ROBOT CAN CRY!

 

by deucepm
1-15-02
Okay, last one. This one's about a cartoon dog who fights the supernatural.
Don't fucking do it. I'm warning you.
It's called "Goofy the Vampire Slayer."
RIGHT, YOU BASTARD! YOU ASKED FOR IT!
RRRRARRRGH! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW! SEE?! TOBOR MAKE PUN!
But...but that's not a puAAAAGGGH!

 

by deucepm
1-15-02
Denial, bargaining...
Well, here I am ready to work! Ha ha! Because I WORK here at When I Grow Up! Ha! Ha Ha! HA HA HAHHHHHHH GOD PLEASE I NEED THIS JOB!
Please! Don't make me go back to Penny Arcade! I'll do anything! They'll make me dress like one of those Tekken chicks again!
Shock, anger...
What? We're not in...what? But who's "Wigu?" And...huh?
GET ROWLAND ON THE PHONE! HIS ASS AND MY BOOT HAVE AN APPOINTMENT!
Acceptance, and finally, drunken groping.
Shay there, shweet thing, howzabout givin' Uncle Helmut a goodbye knob-shine?
I'm not drunk enough yet. Ask me three wine coolers from now.

 

by deucepm
1-16-02
Celebrity Suicide Pun Hot Line, what is your emergency?
Gwyneth Paltrow just hanged herself from the Christmas tree at Buckingham Palace! You can find her on one of the royal tannenbaums.
Celebrity Suicide Pun Hot Line, what is your emergency?
Freddie Prinze Jr just jumped out the window! I can still see him, he's falling head over heels...oh, wait, Officer Summer caught him. Damn that summer catch!
Celebrity Suicide Pun Hot Line, what is your emergency?
Ewan McGregor's trying to stab himself! He keeps screaming about finding a knife less ordinary.

 

by deucepm
1-16-02
TOBOR HEARD SOMEBODY WANTED TO BE USED?!
Me and my big mouth.

 

by deucepm
1-16-02
First it's candy...
...then it's gum.
I sense the hand of Satan in this.

 

by deucepm
1-16-02
There were a couple of sick-ass bunnies...
Who wanted to shave clean their cunnies.
They used this cream upon each twat...
...then went to find a manraping 'bot!
Burma Shave.
Huh?

 

by deucepm
1-16-02
There was a guy who went to the future...
...and wanted to shave without getting a suture.
He found something smooth so he wouldn't get cut...
Too bad the stuff comes from a giant slug's butt.
Slurm-a-shave!

 

by deucepm
1-17-02
A fellow by the name of Fats
Looked mighty rough in beard and tats.
To join the ranks of dapper cats,
He used our cream--and hungry rats!
Vermin-shave!
My kingdom for a graphic designer.

 

by deucepm
1-17-02
A lady by the name of Min was sure her looks would lead to sin.
Hmmm...how shall I tame my sinful flesh?
She used our special creamy tin and cut off every bit of skin!
Woooo! Much better! I'm a sunbeam for Jesus!
It really did raise quite a din. Perma-Shave! Yang to your yin!
I'm fucking freezing.

 

by deucepm
1-17-02
A three day jag of speed and coke...
....made Sammy look like a jamoke.
He thought he'd shave--after a toke...
...with what came out when he'd had a poke.
That's what he did when next he woke. Sperma-shave!
What a crap joke.

 

by deucepm
1-17-02
Are shaven cheekbones what you lacks?
Our foam will put you on your backs!
No need to sharpen up that axe!
Men, you can use it on your sacks!
This stuff will make you rest in pax.
Germa-shave! It's made with 'thrax!

 

by deucepm
1-19-02
Oh, look. Here's an auction with just one minute left. Guess I should be a good guy and let it go, huh?
IF YOU'D BE SO KIND.
Yeah. RIGHT. HA! How's life as my bitch, motherfucker? You thought you would be enjoying that $6.99 audiobook? YOU WILL NOT!
INITIATING AUCTION SNIPER PROTOCOLS.
AHHHHH! I REPENT! I REPENT!
TOO LATE, MY SNEAKY LITTLE FRIEND. MMMM. YOU SMELL LIKE PORK DRIPPING.

 

by deucepm
1-19-02
Yes, Christmas time is gone, but still the holiday spirit is in the air.
Weeks after the holidays, the denizens of the North Pole are on the lookout for a special visitor to poke out his head from his underground burrow.
Oooogh...
So Santa, do you plan on coming out of there anytime soon?
What for? I've still got a case of Stroh's!

 

by deucepm
1-19-02
No, you darn fool kid! Don't do it!
Don't you see?! Life is so precious, to even think of throwing it away is immoral! Why, my old dad--

 

by deucepm
1-21-02
Hey, how's your uncle?
Not good. He's been dressing young male horses up in lingerie and caressing their upper thighs.
What did you do?
We tok him to a psychiatrist for aversion therapy. Now he's afraid to even look at 'em.
You mean...
Yep. He's cowed to feel a colt minor's garter.

 

by deucepm
1-21-02
Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...
But Buffy, our love can be real! I'm human enough for you to shag!
I'll be the judge of that, Spike. There's one simple way to make sure you've got enough human feeling for me to love...
HO-GARTH... YOU STAY. I GO. NO FOL-LO-WING.
*snif* I love you, Iron Giant!
Oh, for God's sake, get up! It's not THAT sad!
WAHHHHH! It isn't fair! W-w-why did the Iron Giant have to s-s-sacrifice himself? *SOB*

 

by deucepm
1-21-02
In a time long ago, when men were petty and cruel...
Hey, you! Hold it right there!
Don't get too close. I hear this guy messed up three of Caesar's legions!
Only one man dared to stand against the forces of evil.
So, my rebellious friend, we meet again. Caesar will look upon me with favor when I set you at his feet!
Know now the story of... JESUS! THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS!
You just messed with the wrong messiah!

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