All comics by nicejohnson

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by nicejohnson
11-17-03
Zach and Matt are discussing the important things in life.
Fuck.
I like Cradle of Filth. Filthy but sexy.
But not weed.
I just broke up with my clingy girlfriend Lauren, you know? The one i macked on in front of you?
Yeah, she kept groping my ass when you weren't looking.
He's a slow learner.
But apparently we were gonna fuck if we had stayed together longer.
Oh, too bad man. If she was a slutty drug-addicted mess she would be totally hot.

 

by nicejohnson
11-18-03

 

by nicejohnson
11-18-03
Hey, Lauren guess what my sister made me do this weekend, lul?*wink wink*
What?
Pop her back zits!!!
Ew, gross I can not believe you told me that!
Nice...
Hell yeah!
Was it pussey?

 

by nicejohnson
11-18-03
Hey Sam, you cutie patootie! Guess what?
What, Rose?
Chicken butt, chortle chortle!!!
...
LUL!!!
Wait, come back! I'm funny when I want to be...Ryan Hechler?

 

by nicejohnson
11-18-03
Oh, Bryson. Why don't you love me anymore?
Are you mad because my comics are funnier than yours and even Alex, the ultimate authority on everything, has deemed it so?
Oh, Lauren, when will you give it up?
Is it because you think you're better than me so nothing I say is important?
Is someone saying something?

 

by nicejohnson
11-18-03
Today Lauren learns about racism, and why its not a joke.
*mumble mumble* fo shizzle ma nizzle *mumble mumble*
What the hell did you just say?
I had no idea, i swear!!!
Um, i dunno?!?
You just said fo sure my n...
Hopefully, not to be continued...
Ohhhh.... man.... i am so stupid...
And Fatimah told me about that comment. What chu mean, "i can't remember you people's names?

 

by nicejohnson
11-20-03
Lauren is angry and hurt...
*sulk sulk sulk* Alex you are such an asshole!
So? At least I know the difference between the Sex Pistols and the Dead Kennedys.
I mean, it was an honest mistake, OK? I really do like the Ramones and I got the name mixed up. Big deal. And I only wanted you to like me, so I made up that BS about that song.
What the hell? What does she think she's doing?
Alex, just give me a break!
Fine, by the way I think you should be a blue blob. It matches your personality.

 

by nicejohnson
11-20-03
My conversation with Zach yesterday...
*on phone* Yeah, so what's up Zach?
Oh you know the usual, today I wrote this report on gnomes and turned it in for science (koff koff)
What is he trying to hide, anyway?
Right... A project on gnomes. Did you get a zero on what you were supposed to do?
Um, yeah, sure. It was pretty badass though, right?
20 minutes later...
Mr. Gnome, how many puffs does it take to get to the end of a joint?
???

 

by nicejohnson
11-21-03
This morning...
Lauren!!! Why the hell did you give me the wrong time? You told me 7:45-8:00 and the damn buses are all gone! *flames shoot out of nose*
I'm so sorry dad. Please stop yelling, I didn't mean to-
Was hell...
Silence, foul wench! You are no longer fit to be called my daughter! Now humor me and wear the outfit of shame!
Oh, no, God no, not the leggings with the straps! Please anything but that, even the Teletubbie socks or the Winnie the Pooh Sweatshirt!
Special shout out to my fuck of a father.
*pulls up to school* Now, honey, I love you and it's ok that you made a mistake about the time. I really didn't mind driving around for an hour and a half to accomodate your needs.
*scrambles to get out* Who is he kidding? Oh, well fuck that shit. Must get out of car!

 

by nicejohnson
11-26-03
I'm only a blue blob for Alex's sake...
Alex, what the hell are you doing with that thing?
Oh, you'll see...
In her haste to get the thingy from the tree out of her shirt (which, unbeknownst to her, bounced off), Lauren pulled her shirt down, revealing herself to Alex.
AHHHHHHHHH!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!! What the hell just went down my shirt!
HAHAHAHAHAHA *evil evil evil*
Go to hell, Alex. Go to hell.
Oh my god, alex, you did not see anything, you hear me?!? Nothing!
I've gotta fuck her up good for that comic she made. I know, I'll tell Bryson tomorrow!

 

by nicejohnson
12-04-03
Lauren and Meg in drama. (Meg is the asian chick since I didn't know what else to do with her)
Hey, Meg. Whassup GRASSHOPPAH! *Chinese accent*
Um, jizz mopper?
We read good book called "Ant and GRASSHOPPER." It good. You read.
Jizz Moppah? What evah, I need to read you story, it be long and hard like Spicy McHaggis so you pay attention, yes?
Ohkayyyyy..... Lauren, you are so silly. What did you drink today, anyway?
I not know what else to make her say. Comic good, you bad and smell funny. Stop reading this, you not honorable enough to.
I READ YOU STORY OF ANTS AND YOU LIKE IT BITCH!!!!! Once there were some Chinese ants and they were like "we going to work" and there was this grasshopper and he be very lazy. It sad story,you listen.
Me love you long time?

 

by nicejohnson
12-04-03
Here we are again. I know i promised not to make anymore comix about him rose, but c'mon!
What was up with those pictures? You had that gross roll of fat.
What? But i'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts?
Well, done love. 10 points.
Ok, no. I hate you.
Fine, I'll win you back using my alarming raptor noise. *screeching noise from hell*
Give it up, ass cake! You're so pathetic I want to vomit. Desparate too.
Damn, bitch! How do you do that?
Mad skills, my man. Mad skills. Wanna go get high and have sex *mix of desparation and hope*?

 

by nicejohnson
12-05-03
It is time for my revenge... bwahahahahaha!!!
Hey Meg, guess what I know?
What Lauren?
Alex is a LOSER!!!
Alex is totally in love with you. He was about to kick my ass for doing you a slight injustice.
Well, duh. I mean, Alex is kind of always trying to get with me and follow me around. It's really sweet, bless him.
Denied, Alex, denied.
I think that it's sad that thinks he has a chance with you since we both know you're destined for Davey Havok.
I know, but what can you do? It's still fairly flattering. Oh, are you coming Saturday?

 

by nicejohnson
12-09-03
SCAN-DA-LOUS!!!
Hey, girlfriend, like, what's up?
Like, this is so scandalous? I like totally found out that Jennifer's boyfriend is cheating on her with Samantha?
Ohmigawd, JUICE-Y!!!
Ohmigawd, gag me with a spoon? Are you serious, no way?
Like, so totally way.
Like, uh oh? NONCONFORMIST ALERT! CODE RED!!!
Like, do you ever wonder if we're too shallow for our own good and that by discussing other people's lives with such vehement interest and gossiping that the only people we're hurting are ourselves?
Like, ohmigawd, are you a lesbian or something?

 

by nicejohnson
12-11-03
Mrs. Scott is menopausal...
Ok, bitches! Sit down and shut up! I just spent two nights in a row making a quiz that all but the most superior of you will crash and burn at!
Mrs. Scott is in a bitchy mood today, LOL.
Oh, God!!! She's going to attack!!!
Hey Lauren, did you say you wanted to know-
YOU!!! SHUT THE HELL UP!!! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NO TALKING!!! *begins breathing heavily*
AYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!! ARRIBA ARRIBA! *makes Spanish-y clicking noises*
*snort snort*
*snort snort* she's funny when she's having hot flashes, LOL!!!

 

by nicejohnson
12-11-03
Mckenna is cool *sung to the tune of hail to the chief*
Hello. I am Mckenna, NOT McKenna, you bitches and hoes.
Oh Mckenna, I am your love slave. By the way, when are we getting our scripts?
Mckenna is cool, she is so cool i want to wet myself...
Oh I'd say tomorrow. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. Or-
Oh, so you don't really know?
Welcome to my list of idols, Mckenna.
Of course I do because I AM THE NEW ULTIMATE AUTHORITY ON EVERYTHING!!!!
I bow down to you in your superior power. Now please do a crazy Texan dance for me! *bats eyelashes*

 

by nicejohnson
12-12-03
Squirrels coversation translated: Ch-ch-ch-ch-chaw!
Hey baby, whassup?
You selfish horndog! You haven't called me in weeks! Go away!
Ch-ch-ch. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Time passes...
But baby, I love you.
Go to hell. Find someone else to mate with.
Ah, poor Nutcracker. Shut down again. To be continued...
Hey, baby, look I brought you some nuts. Your favorites, almonds.
I'm allergic to almonds, you cad!

 

by nicejohnson
12-12-03
We travel back to the land of subtitled squirrels...
Sweetheart, please take me back. You know I was only kidding about the almonds...
I told you, I'm not going to be your mate. I'm destined for that hunk over there...
The hunk
Gross. A squirrel. Maybe if I talk to it it'll go away.
Oh, a shy one ,eh? I guess I'll have to make the first move...
Fuck off, squirrel! You probably have rabies or something!
I love it when you talk dirty to me!

 

by nicejohnson
12-14-03
Note: If you are looking for something funny to read, I suggest you just find another comic today.
I never thought I'd die alone/ I laughed the loudest who'd have known?/I trace the cord back to the wall/no wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time/I hurried up/the choice was mine/I didn't think enough/I'm too depressed to go on/you'll be sorry when I'm gone/ I never conquered, rarely came/16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive/we couldn't wait to get outside/The world was wide, too late to try/The tour was over I'd survived/i couldn't wait til i got home/ to pass the time in my room alone
I never thought I'd die alone/Another six months I'll be unknown/Give all my things to all my friends/You'll never step foot in my room again/You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup/Of apple juice in the hall/Please tell mom this is not her fault/I never conquered, rarely came/But tomorrow held such better days
Days when I can still feel alive/When I can't wait to get outside/The world is wide, the time goes by/The tour is over, I've survived/I can't wait till i get home/to pass the time in my room alone

 

by nicejohnson
12-16-03
When I have grape soda, I get REALLY hyper and I start spouting more shit than a broken toilet. Take today, for instance...
Mmmmm.... grape soda... That's odd, I don't feel hyper or anything. It must not affect me anymore. *sob*
Awww... It's ok, Lauren *breathes sigh of relief*
Twenty minutes later...
I feel... funny... HUOROAR!!!!
Becoming... Less aware of self and limitations...Bladder control...becoming... difficult...
It's like the hulk on grape soda!!! AYAYAYAY!!! Run! She's gonna BLOW! *Spanish-y clicking noises*
So Lauren, give me two words that describe how you feel about drama class.
HAHAHAHAHA!!! I know... Fart and doo-doo! Hey, Meg pull my finger! I promise you'll be surprised... Fartfartfartfartfart!!! *hyena-like laughter*

 

by nicejohnson
12-17-03
Tutorials in English with Lauren and Yuliya
Yuliya, do you know what SEX is?
No, Lauren what ees sects?
It's like this. You take one of these *points to Alex's crotch* and one of these *points to own crotch* and you stick that in this. K? Do you know what penis means?
No, no I unnerstand eet is just that-
I wasted 5 minuted trying to explain what sex was to Yuliya. And she already knew. YOU"RE ALL AGAINST ME!!!!!
WHO TAUGHT YOU PENIS?!?
Laoren, eet is ok, penis is a yuneeversul wird.

 

by nicejohnson
12-17-03
Subject is: BOOBS! GO!
Whoa man look at that chick she is so stacked!
Yeah dude she's got nice boobs what a great rack!
Subject is: BEER! GO!
Yo man, what's up? Want some beer?
Naw, dude, got some weed? Or are you as gay as I feared?
Subject is: WTF?!? GO?
Hey man, don't be hatin, now give me a light.
Here you go. Hey, wanna have dry butt sex tonight?

 

by nicejohnson
12-18-03
Ok, now draw some gametes, you know eggs and sperm, on the table.
bored bored bored bored bored
This is an ovum and these are the eggs. You as humans are born with 400 eggs.
Wait, so when all of a woman's eggs are gone is that when she goes through menopause?
Yes, that is correct... Um yes very good.
BURNED!!!

 

by nicejohnson
12-18-03
Eenie meenie mynie moe, catch a hooker by the toe,
if she holla give her dough,
my homie told me to fuck the biggest assed one...
and you are not it...
WTF?!?
What? But I thought that you wanted to fuck me until my rectum bled!?!
Sorry, but you must have me confused with some other pimp. Word.

 

by nicejohnson
12-28-03
I luv my Tamp(ém)on!
Wanna battle with our pokémon?
Ok, Charetard I choose you!!!
The battle between the two creatures is bloody (assume the other chick called out "Magifart, I choose you!")
ROAR! *poop* *drool* duh...
*Fart fart* *gas*
This is just sick...
Let's go, before someone gets offended. You should be ashamed.

 

by nicejohnson
1-05-04
Haha i'm acid trippin' today...
Oh Mckenna, guess what?
What?
Well, first of all your leadership skills are a little lopsided...
WHAT?!?
She adjusted her leadership skills, don't you worry your pretty little heads....
And second of all, I am officially in love with Alex.
What???

 

by nicejohnson
1-05-04
*violent femmes, by the way...
When I'm out walking I strut my stuff and I'm-
HAHA!!! YOUR STUFF IS FALLING OUT!!!
Huh? *pulls down shirt*
HAHAHAHAHA!!!! *evil evil evil*
cue the weird soap opera-y music
Alex, you asshole... Don't even pretend you didn't like the way this turned out! You liked it, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?
yes...

 

by nicejohnson
1-14-04
I hate overachievers... This is bad...
Biology is fun!
DIE!!! This is worse...
I stayed up all night drawing diagrams for all of my homework to show the relationship with the weather!
I wish I could blame sex and violence on tv on this...
Yes, I AM in college even though I'm in the third grade. *patronizing laughter* Don't worry though, you'll catch up when I'm dead, hahaha...

 

by nicejohnson
1-14-04
I hate overachievers... This is bad...
Biology is fun!
DIE!!! This is worse...
I stayed up all night drawing diagrams for all of my homework to show the relationship with the weather!
I wish I could blame sex and violence on tv on this...
Yes, I AM in college even though I'm in the third grade. *patronizing laughter* Don't worry though, you'll catch up when I'm dead, hahaha...

 

by nicejohnson
1-14-04
Hmmmmm....I'm so fucking bored. What the hell can I do?
Oh well, desparation is ringing my number. Time for prank phone calls.
Damn it, I forgot where I put the phone.
Argh, I guess I'll just have to jack off.
What the FUCK?
Why don't I have a penis?

 

by nicejohnson
1-15-04
Nutcaracker is at it again. It's too pathetic to watch. Well, almost.
What can I do to make you see how much I loooooveeee youuuuuuuu *sings*
well, for one you can shut the hell up.
Wait, there's a light at the end of the tunnel!
Oh ok. So what do you think about you and me getting together and mating sometime?
Ok first of all...*sigh* give me one good reason why I should.
Ah, poor Nutcracker. Shut down again.
Because...well, because you and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel.

 

by nicejohnson
1-15-04
Hey, didya hear the news? Hitler is alive and they're cloning the cells in his nose to make a giant army of Nazis!!!
Oh, fo shizzle?
Yeah and he also-
whoa!
OMG lolo loo hehe... i...am....ashamed.
That guy was totally hollerable!!
Ick, I was gonna say intolerable...BTW, did you just fart?

 

by nicejohnson
1-16-04
What am I doing with my life?
Maybe I'm just washed up. No one will look at my comics in the forums.
Maybe I'm past my prime. But maybe...
YES!!! Just one more stab at fame!
Definitely washed up.
Sucky sucky five dolla?
Me love you long time...

 

by nicejohnson
1-16-04
What am I doing with my life?
Maybe I'm just washed up. No one will look at my comics in the forums.
Maybe I'm past my prime. But maybe...
YES!!! Just one more stab at fame!
Definitely washed up.
Sucky sucky five dolla?
Me love you long time...

 

by nicejohnson
1-18-04
Oh, girls just wanna have fu-un!
So, how about this S & M party, eh?
Sorry, you're a little too old for me.
*akward silence*
Hey there... You're cute.

 

by nicejohnson
1-21-04
Oh my god, stop copying me!
Make me!
Stop it! Stop it!
What if I don't? I could copy you all day!
Haha, try and copy...OMG you bitch!
*smile*

 

by nicejohnson
1-21-04
I wanna tell scary stories.
M'kay.
I wanna go first.
No, i'll tell the story. Once upon a time there was this guy. He used to be cool and he could dance like a mad man, and at that point he was black. But then one day he decided to pour acid on his-
...And that's why Michael Jackson is in so much trouble.

 

by nicejohnson
1-23-04
She roams from town to town, pursuing her greatest passion...
Alright big boy, how do you want it, hard or soft?
Hey, I'll take it hard...
How ya want it, hard or soft?
Um..er,ah...As a god fearing man, I haven't done this before...soft...please.
Selling tacos.
Hey hot stuff, you want it hard or soft?
Hey, I'll take one of each! I love tacos!

 

by nicejohnson
1-28-04
I hate it in movies when people do stupid things when you know exactly what's going to happen next...
Let's go play in the abandoned mine shaft!
k.
Wanna play with this seemingly unloaded gun?
Ok, but let's not check to make sure.
I wonder what's behind this door in the house where the man brutally raped and murder his 70 wives...

 

by nicejohnson
1-28-04
Why won't people stop talking about Princess Diana?
What's the password to the sites my school blocked?
Why does snow melt when the sun is shining but it's 15 degrees, but stays the same in 40 degree weather?
Who invented the word fart?
Why do goats poop in perfect round pellets?
Where does dad REALLY go with that dress on Saturday nights?

 

by nicejohnson
1-30-04
Eve vs Adam
Look, an apple! It will give us wisdom!
BOOBS SEX
Bonnie vs Clyde
We have to be EXTREMELY careful, we don't want to get caught...
SEX
Marilyn Manson vs Rosie O' Donnell
I don't feel like being a gender today.
LESBIAN SEX

 

by nicejohnson
2-01-04
Um, Dcom...I think that in your fragile state, we shouldn't do this...
C'mon Nice, you know you want to...
But you're so vulnerable...I can't take advantage of you like this...
Nice, please...I need you right now. I can't do this alone...
I ALWAYS win! Are you even TRYING?
DAMN IT! I HATE HALO!

 

by nicejohnson
2-02-04
Yo what up? My name is Cindy.
Word. They call me Mindy. And we're both...
HOeS!
HOeS!
Yeah, we take it to the streets.
PSH, HELL YEAH! SAY MY NAME BITCH!

 

by nicejohnson
2-02-04
Ok, I wasn't always a ho. I used to be a good kid. A little strange, but i was a good kid.
Then one day we took the career aptitude tests back in school...I didn't realize you couldn't cheat...
Flashback
Are you Cindy Johnson?
Um yeahhhh...Why?
He took me away...Said something about making a deal with the school and keeping an eye out for potential hookers. But here I am, doing-
Bitch, you're making your rounds in ten minutes, you hear? I want you to wear the school girl outfit tonight, or i'm shuttin yo slutty ass down!

 

by nicejohnson
2-03-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!The Backstreet Boys are having a farewell concert and it's for one night only!
Hmmmm...

 

by nicejohnson
2-04-04
That's me right there. I'm not a guy.
Time for the list of cute funny guys who are actually guys... There's:
"Dcomposed and xxausrottenxx"
One, two, three, four, Nicejohnson took me on the floor!
Five, six, seven, eight, Nicejohnson helped to turn me straight!
"Areallystupidguy and Ewwwww"
Eight, seven, six, five, Nicejohnson goes for funny guys!
Four, three, two, one, Nicejohnson is...er...number one?

 

by nicejohnson
2-10-04
George, I'm breaking up with you!
But why?
Weelllllll....Let's see, first you cheated on me with my best friend, you gambled away every last saving that I had for college, you isolated me from my loved ones, and you have bad b.o.
Wait, so why are you breaking up with me?

 

by nicejohnson
2-10-04
Is daddy really going to burn in hell for ALL eternity?
Why does my finger smell like burning rubber?
How come the cat can't breathe under water?
Next year when I turn 9, can I wear big girl underwear?
Why is the word "probe" so funny?
Do you have a pee pee?

 

by nicejohnson
2-16-04
Look, I've been thinking a lot mom, and I realized that all those times I looked at other girls stark naked and tried to fuck them wasn't just a phase
So you're a lesbian?
Yes, but I do have some good news...
You just saved me a bunch of money on my car insurance?
What the hell are you talking about? I was going to say that now you can walk in the gay pride parade with me!
:'(

 

by nicejohnson
3-14-04
While watching the movie I sobbed long and hard
*sobs*
"Oh lord forgive them, they know not what they do."
the asshole being crucified to Jesus' left makes fun of jesus
haha you're not the Messiah omg lolo fart i have holes in my hands too
*looks sad*
Suddenly without warning: A crow
CAW CAW *pecks face*
You got punk'd

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