All comics by kramer_vs_kramer

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WASH AND WASH MILLENNIUM WASH
STRIP NAKED FOR TWO TURNS WHILE YOUR CLOTHES ARE WASHED, AND THEN WASHED AGAIN!!!
DR WHO TAKES YOU BACK IN TIME. GO BACK THREE SPACES.
So, Doctor. Are we going to avert some major catastrophe?
What? No, I'm off to bet on last week's football.
DEVIN'S SQUARE: GIVE COMMENTARY ON EVERYONE'S NEXT TURN.
Gabe rolls the dice, oh he's got a three, he moves his piece forward three spaces, 1... 2... 3... and now he's landed on a square...
Please... just be quiet...

 

Why, I sure am hungry today. I could really go for some cake.
Perhaps I can be of some assistance?
And you are?
My codename is "Mr Cake". I am GI Joe's tactical cake procurement expert.
Wow, you are good. We're so lucky to have specialists like you in our armed forces. God bless America!
Yo Joe!

 

Dammit. My team keeps getting beaten in Championship Manager 4. I'm gonna get the sack at this rate.
Perhaps I can be of some assistance?
And you are?
My codename is "Transfer Pete". I am GI Joe's auxilliary management simulation game tactical specialist. Here, try this...
Wow! Now I'm on a winning streak! We're so lucky to have experts like you in our armed forces. God bless America!
Yo Joe!

 

Ummfff. Chfff. It's no good. My human beatbox is just too wack.
Perhaps I can be of some assistance?
And you are?
My codename is "Boombox Fred". I'm GI Joe's advanced human beatbox field consultant. Now let me help you...
Mff-cha-bff-chhf-mm. Hey! I is dope! We're so lucky to have geezers like you in our armed forces. God bless America!
Yo Joe!

 

It's no good. I just can't get this stain out of my favourite shirt.
Perhaps I can be of some assistance?
And you are?
My codename is "Sudsy". I'm GI Joe's pre-emptive apparel discolourant eradication operative. Now, if you'll just let me see the stain...
Wow! My shirt is as good as new! We're so lucky to have specialists like you in our armed forces. God bless America!
Yo Joe!

 

Mwahahaha! There it is, Earth, ripe for the conquest! Soon the planet will be an icy wasteland, and I, Gunther von Eis, shall reign supreme!
So what's the plan, boss?
I must freeze the planet before we land because, as you know, the slightest bit of heat may well cause my gruesome demise.
I was wondering about that bit. If you can't handle heat, why did you hire a fire breathing dragon as your right hand man?
Um, well...
It's because you're very very stupid, isn't it?

 

So, boss. How do you plan to freeze the earth so you are able to set foot on its surface without burning up in a grotesque fashion due to your terrible vunerability to heat?
I dunno yet. I was going to plan that part over dinner. Fancy a curry?
A curry?
Yeah. A really hot one.
Is that wise, boss?
Ooh! And we could get those cocktails that they set fire to!

 

Look, bitch. I don't care if your boyfriend is a fucking rock star. I'm a fucking wizard. If I wanted I could magic myself into any fucking band I wanted.
Please, mister, just leave me alone. My boyfriend will be back in a minute.
Actually, that would be pretty fucking cool. I could be in Abba, or Queen, or even Culture Club! And - what the fuck?
I knew she was frigid, but this is just fucking stupid.

 

Boss! Your freeze ray worked!
Excellent, now all we have to do is increase the power, and this whole pitiful planet will cower under my icy grip.
Increase the power?
Don't worry, it's no problem at all. All I have to do is raise the temperature in the boiler.
Is that not a bit ricky, on account of you being made of ice?
Naaah, I'll be fine. All it needs is a few more buckets of petrol thrown on and a quick blast with the flamethrower.

 

So anyway, I'm going to form the best fucking band in the world, and I want you to be the groupie. You in?
Back off sweaty, I've got mace. Hold on- what's that noise?
What the fuck? It'd better warm up soon, I'm suffering shrinkage here.

 

This icy wasteland is shit. All the girls have either frozen to death or are wearing big padded jackets.
KNEEL BEFORE YOUR NEW RULER, EARTHLING!
Who the fuck are you?
I am the mighty Gunther von Eis! You will revere me as your new god or face the dire consequences!
So you're behind all this snow and shit? I aught to kick your ass.
Don't mess with me, pal. I've got napalm.

 

So, you're just a shit rip-off of Mr Freeze from the Batman comics, then.
No, not at all. I'm very much my own man.
Let's see, you're a frozen evil genius who plots to freeze the world. You're a complete fucking copy!
I'm not taking this shit from the likes of you. I'm out of here.
So, who's next? The Joke-man? Catlady? The fucking Riddlist?

 

What's the matter, boss? You look upset.
Some cheeky bastard dissed me. He said I was a third rate rip-off of a crap Batman villain.
Want me to sort him out, boss? I could roast his scrawny ass for you.
Yes. Yes, you do that.
Cheer up, boss! Everything's going to plan. Once I take this punk out we can send the ice-bots in and begin your invasion.
Whatever. I'm too depressed to think about it just now. If anyone wants me I'll be in the sauna.

 

Okay, pal. You've insulted my boss for the last time. Eat flame breath!
A dragon? What the fuck kind of ice villain has a dragon as a henchman?
You know, I've asked him that so many times, and he always changes the subject.
It can't be safe, having you about. One sneeze and he's like fucking Dr Melty.
Tell me about it! And don't get me started on him and his sunbeds...

 

Let's fight, then. I have to warn you- I'm a fucking master wizard. I could turn you into a chimp or something.
I'm a giant firebreathing super strong reptile.
Ah.
And did I mention the claws? And the razor-sharp teeth?
Dammit! I really wanted to be a chimp.

 

Hello, boss? That guy got away.
What's that? Yeah, he ran off. He's hiding in the snow somewhere. I think.
Huh? Look, I can't really hear you. You're going to have to switch off the hairdryer.

 

Pah! That moronic reptile can't even beat one puny human. Ice-bot, it's up to you.
"ENVIRONMENT ERROR /ARK/BIN/ETC/ PID 121131"
Huh? You're broken AGAIN?
"MODULE FAILURE IN /ARK/LEG/CLAW/ 123421"
Hold on, I'll get the blowtorch.

 

VERY LOUD ALARM CLOCK NOISE!
Gah! My head feels awful, I must have been completely hammered last night.
I hope I didn't do anything stupid.
Morning, honey! Sleep well?
Shit.

 

Look, Boorite. Whatever I said last night, I was drunk and didn't mean any of it.
But... but you confessed your undying love for me!
I did?
Yes. And you asked me to move in with you, so I quit my job and sold all my worldly goods to buy a plane ticket to be here with you.
ALL your worldy goods?
Well, apart from the buttplugs. For some reason nobody wanted to buy them.

 

Look, I really regret inviting you over here for no reason, but frankly you disgust me. Get out of my house.
That's not what you said last night.
But I've been trying to explain. I was very drunk last night. I didn't mean a single word.
Really? Try explaining that in A COURT OF LAW.
Court? We didn't get married, did we?
No, I just like hanging around courthouses.

 

A bisexual contortionist, really? And you're addicted to sex? Want to meet up?
HOTGIRL24> Sure, how does tomorrow sound?
Hold on, in these comics the person on the other end always turns out to be a man, or an elephant or something. I might as well just not show up.
(sigh). Not again.

 

My sweet, I think I love you, but tomorrow I must fly to Pluto before the Hungarians do.
It's dangerous, and I may never return. But I wanted you to know my true feelings before I left.
Oh, darling. Just say those magical words, and I'll leave this damned space race to be with you forever.
RAAR!!! AQUA TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!

 

Boss, I'm not going to Pluto tomorrow. I want to stay here on Earth to spend my life with AQUA TOBOR.
Are you mad? If those damn Hungarians get to Pluto before us, we'll be the laughing stock of the entire Balkan space industry.
I don't care. I love AQUA TOBOR and he loves me. And I want to stay with him forever. Screw the mission.
No chance. You're going to space whether you like it or not. I will not jeopardise this mission for the sake of some schoolgirl crush.
I'm sorry, but you'll need to find another astronaut. I quit.
Curses! I don't stand a chance with AQUA TOBOR with that feathered freak around.

 

A message from my true love! That'll cheer me up.
<click!>
"RAAR!!! AQUA TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!"

 

Sweetie! I got your message, I'm here! I'm - hold on. Where's AQUA TOBOR?
Hah! It was I who orchestrated this little meeting. You see, AQUA TOBOR loves me alone. I can't have you ruining everything. Tonight - you die!
What? This can't be true! You're mad. AQUA TOBOR will save me.
I took the liberty of ensuring AQUA TOBOR would be... otherwise engaged for the next few days. He can't save you.
RAAR?
"All systems fully operational. Now at cruising speed. Time to reach Pluto... 5 hours and counting."

 

You blasted my true love into space? How dare you? Never again will I be brutally buggered by him. Sob!
Hold on. Buggered?
Yes, that's what AQUA TOBOR does. Aggravated sexual assault.
And you enjoy that?
Of course. Now, we were about to fight to the death for AQUA TOBOR's love?
Actually, I've kind of gone off him.

 

Would you believe it? It's been two years since the creation of "Bathos. I think.", the first ever Kramer vs Kramer strip!
So, to celebrate, I thought I'd write a horribly self-indulgent comic series about how great I am.
Oh, and I got me a hooker.

 

So, anyway. Let's take a look back at my first ever strip, the masterful "Bathos. I think."
Who're you talking to? Is someone else here? I charge extra for group sex, you know.
Oh, woe is me. The phone doth ringeth not, and my weary heart grows heavy with the seeds of discontent.
Forsooth, my liege. I chooseth not to ring unless it doth pleaseth my good phone self. Prithee, knave! I bite my thumb at thee!
I think you'll all agree, that is a comic masterpiece.
Look, I can't hang about all day, do you want fisted or not?

 

You're a brave man, luring me out for a fight like this.
Don't be so cocky, cornetto-boy. Watch this: melt-o-fucking-riffic!
Nooo! You have lured me here, to the Sahara, and then magically melted all my beautiful ice! I'm done for!
Fucking right, Magnum. You could say you've had your "just deserts".
Aaagh! This is more heat than I can "sand"!
Shut the fuck up. I won, I get to do the puns.

 

Aaaagghhhh! I'm melting!!! I'm MELTING!!!!
Bloody hell, it's fucking hot. I wonder where all the bikini birds are.
I'M MEEELLLTTTIIING!
I just saved the world, I reckon I could probably get a shag for that.
Okay, I'm done melting. It's clobbering time!
Shit.

 

What the fuck? You're an ice villain, I melted you. Why the fuck are you still here?
I wasn't specifically an ice villain. I'm a villain, who was formerly a bit cold.
What? That's just stupid. Fuck off.
Okay, you win this time. But I'm warning you- I'll be back!
As what? The slightly warm human torch? A water villain who's a bit damp? Dr Gusty - the master of moderate weather coinditions?
If only I had a pen and a bit of paper...

 

Step right up! All aboad for the Goat Boat! Only three pounds!
The Goat Boat? What on earth is that?
It's like the Tunnel of Love, but instead of getting to sit with a lady, you get brutally buggered by a randy male goat. In the dark.
And you expect people to actually pay for this?
We pipe in romantic music. And there's an animatronic weasel.
You got change for a fiver?

 

I'd like to register a complaint about this here "Goat Boat" ride.
Yeeessss?
I paid good money to be sexually assaulted by a goat, but instead I simply got molested by a man in a goat costume.
If I wanted that, I'd just have stayed at home.

 

Hello. I am AIDAN MOFFAT of the band ARAB STRAP. I'm on my way to the SUB CLUB because that's where all the cool kids hang out.
I'm afraid I can't let you into the SUB CLUB, sir. You look like a tramp.
Huh? Don't you know who I am? I'm AIDAN MOFFAT of the band ARAB STRAP. I always go to the SUB CLUB.
Ah, that place is shite anyway. Full of 80s poser types.
Hey man, is this the queue for the SUB CLUB?

 

We found the body at 9pm. Looks like a random mugging. What do you say, Grissom?
Using my unique skills as a Crime Scene Investigator, I think what happened went a little like this...
Aiieeee! Elephant attack!
This'll teach you to buy the last peanuts from the store. I shall now kill you, before fleeing to Nebraska.
So...
Okay, trunky, you're under arrest.
But- but how did you know? CURSE YOU, CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATORS! DAMN YOU TO HADES!!!

 

We found this body in a dumpster at noon. Appears to have been stabbed to death. What do you think, Grissom?
Using my unique skills as a Crime Scene Investigator, I think the events that transpired went a little like this...
Crikey! The angel of death!
God is most upset at your behaviour three nights ago in the King's Head tavern. Prepare for a stabbing!
So...
Okay, flyboy, you're under arrest.
You found me? I'd have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddline Crime Scene Investigators. DAMN YOU AND ALL YOUR KIND!!!

 

BBC News with John Pienaar
Government mole, Dr David Kelly, was found dead near his home.
Kelly allegedly leaked information to the BBC stating that the government wanted to "sex up" reports on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.
With me in the studio is government communications officer Alistair Campbell. Mr Campbell?
Um... Look! Over there! The Prime Minister's wife - she SINGS!!!

 

Alistair Campbell, shadowy puppetmaster, and Tony Blair, liar.
That's it, Tony. I've had enough of this. I'm packing my things and leaving.
But Alistair, without you, who's going to tell me what to say? I can't cope on my own!
Loo,, Tony. It's time for you to grow up and be a man. Maybe should should try thinking for yourself for a while, instead of just doing what George and I say.
Thinking for myself? Well, I'll give it a try.
Later...
Tony, would you like some carrots?
Um...

 

Look! It's Retard-Man. Let's see what wackiness he's up to today!
Hi there, Retard-Man! What can I get you today?
Just a newspaper and some milk, thanks.
Ummm...
I keep meaning to ask; why are you called Retard-Man?
Oh, I have a mild form of autism. Nothing major.
Hahaha! What a retard!
Oh well. Here's your stuff.
Thanks. Bye!

 

Oh no! Retard-Man's trying to speak to a girl! I bet he says something stupid. He's such a retard!
Hi there! I'm called Retard-Man. Would you like to come out for a drink some time?
Retard-Man? That's a strange name. Why do they call you that?
Hahaha! What a fanny! He has no chance!
Oh, I have a mild form of autism. It doesn't affect me too much, though.
Well, in that case I'd love to get a drink. Next week maybe?
Oh.
Cool! Does Wednesday suit you?
Yep. See you then!

 

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Excuse me?
I am Womack, of Womack and Womack. There are two of us, but only one may appear to you at any time due to limits in the comic strip format.
Hold on, Womack and Womack? Aren't you soul singers? Why do you want to eat my babies? Is this some kind of publicity stunt?
Well, our Greatest Hits album is out soon...

 

Buy our album or I will eat your babies! Grr!
I think you're bluffing.
I mean it, lady. Womack, of Womack and Womack, will eat your babies unless you buy our Greatest Hits.
This is a crock. I'm leaving.
Later...
Curse you, Womack and Womack. Curse you to HELL!!!

 

Wow! I can't believe I'm a father! I had so better take care of this little one.
Grr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Excuse me?
You heard! I, being Womack, of Womack and Womack, would like to eat your child. And don't pull that "Oh Womack, I have no babies" shit on me. I can see it right there.
Umm... It's a doll?
Don't pull that shit on me. You must have me confused with Stevie Wonder.

 

Excellent! The foetus samples have arrived. Now I can carry on my stem cell research.
Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
What? Don't be ridiculous! I need these foetus samples for my work. You can't eat them!
Can it, doc. I got me a craving for some babies, and it looks like you just got yourself a truckload. Hand 'em over!
These samples are underdeveloped. You wouldn't like them.
Where I come from, we call that "veal".

 

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Huh? You ate my babies last week, you heartless bastard. Aren't you happy? I was on IVF for two years. They told me I'd never be able to conceive, then I got pregnant with twins.
Then... you ate them! You vicious, unfeeling bastard. You ate my only chance at happiness. My husband threw himself under a train because of you, and frankly, I'm thinking of following him.
So... no babies?

 

Hey! If it isn't Womack, from Womack and Womack. How's it going?
Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Remember me? I'm Steve! I played rhythm guitar on your 1991 tour. Of course, I've got my own band now. You might have heard of us. We're getting a lot of airplay on college radio.
Babies! Grrr!
Ah those were the days. So, what are you up to now? Dave was saying you eat babies. Remember Dave? The drummer? He drums in Vegas now with Rich. Remember Rich? His band supported us, I think...
Ah, screw this. I'm going to McDonalds.

 

Can I help you, Sir?
Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Sorry, did you say babies?
Yes. Babies. Now. Grrr!
I'm sorry, sir. We don't sell babies. Would you like to try one of our hamburgers?
Ewwwww! Don't be disgusting. No way am I eating that shit!

 

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Not so fast!
Dr Who!
Yes! I have come from the future to warn you that your baby-eating activities must cease!
Why, will it lead to depopulation and eventual extinction of the human race?
No. It's just a bit... sick.

 

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
But... I'm Santa! I have no children of my own?
So who are all those toys for, then?
Those are for children all over the world. I love all children as if they were my own.
Jackpot.

 

... and the big dog said "woof woof!" and the cat said "meow!"
Hahaha! You're so funny, Mr Rube. You're the funniest man in town!
Look at him, muscling in on our turf. Someone needs to teach that amateur that it's us clowns who run this town.
But what we gonna do, Chuckles?
We're going to do what the handbook says we do in this situation. You're going to have to whack him.
I've been meaning to ask you about that. I don't think "American Psycho" counts as an official clown handbook.

Showing page 10.

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