All comics by kramer_vs_kramer

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by kramer_vs_kramer
11-12-03
Gosh! That woman across the street is getting murdered!
Ahem!
Pop quiz, hotshot! There's a bomb on your wheelchair. If you go beneath 55 kilometres per hour, it'll go off! What do you do, hotshot? What do you do?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-12-03
Jason, the president called. He wants to put you to work in Iraq, fighting off the communists for the good of the USA.
We trust you'll put your murderizing skills to good use in order to protect democracy, freedom and the pursuit of the American dream.
Yes. Just let me remove my mask and these disgusting rags.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-17-03
Kramer! I need your advice!
What's up, Mr Lincoln?
My wife just left me. She asked me if her trousers made her ass look big, and I told her that they did.
You didn't think that maybe it would have been wiser to lie and say they didn't?
Oh, I see. Never mind.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-17-03
Seriously, Abe, you're going to have to practise lying if you want to get back with your wife. You do want that, don't you?
Oh yes. I love my wife very much. She's funny, and a great cook, and she does all the housework and the tax returns.
... and she does this thing where she ties her hair up and lies on her front, and it's almost like making love to a small boy.
Okay. You're taking the "Honest Abe" thing a bit too far.
Sometimes she lets me call her "Gerald".

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-17-03
Okay, Abe. The dictionary defines lying as "To present false information with the intention of deceiving". Got that so far?
I think so.
So, for example, I could say "That's a nice beard," or "You really suit that hat."
My wife is always complimenting me on my hat and beard.
Oh.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-17-03
Hi Abe, how's it going?
Not good. My wife never wants to see me again. She says I spend so much time here because I want to sleep with you. And she's right.
Ha ha! That's great! You're really getting the hang of telling lies.
Ah.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-17-03
I don't know what to do, Sean Paul. Abe's a good friend of mine, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I'm just not interesting in him in that way.
Man a gyow yuh deh gyow. Shi leggo har numbah pon mi. Man a gyow yu deh gyow.
That's true, I'd better tell him straight so he doesn't get his hopes up.
Unnu check di Dutty Cup dem logic. Wid di Dutty Cup yute fi a chill. Well di gal dem waan yu gi dem when dem underneath fi dem Alize.
Thanks Sean Paul! You always know what to say to make me feel better.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-17-03
Sean Paul thinks I should speak to you.
Really? What did he say?
"An dem nuh waan nuh little bwoy wid nuh gal. But yuh fear, inna yuh heart yuh nuh waan fi guh there. Yuh nuh hear whey mi state."
But that's not important.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-19-03
I just don't know what to do. I really should tell Abe I'm not interested, but I'm too much of a pussy to talk to him. I feel really guilty.
Don't worry, I've got it sorted for you. He's out on a blind date tonight with a friend of mine, they've gone to the theatre.
Excellent! Hopefully they'll hit it off, and he'll forget all about me. Which friend of yours is it?
It's John. John Wilkes Booth.
Great. Just great.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-19-03
Mwahaha! Silly Scottish Person! I, Ruud van Nistelrooy, am here to ruin your day!
Look. I've just discovered that I am indirectly responsible for the death of a close friend. I don't think there's any way you can make my day even worse.
Dead? A friend of yours? Really?
Yes. He was shot in a theatre whole on a blind date I'd hastily arranged because I didn't have the heart to tell him to stop hitting on me.
That's terrible. I just had sex with his corpse, you know.
DAMN YOU RUUD VAN NISTELROOY!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-20-03
Bwa ha ha! I, Ruud Van Nistelrooy- tormentor of Scots, have come to plunge you into despair!
Oh man... a talking horse?
No, I'm human. I just look a bit like a horse.
Phew! I was beginning to think somebody had slipped something into my drink. Come to think of it, it does taste a bit funny.
Yes. That'd be because I pissed in it.
CURSE YOU RUUD VAN NISTELROOY!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-21-03
Now I think about it, Abe getting killed was all your fault.
What? How was I supposed to know John was going to shoot him twice in the face with bullets?
He's your friend. How do you know this John guy, anyway?
We go paintballing together. And he's a member of my NRA chapter. And one time we went hunting for deer in the woods.
I mean, I know him from church.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-22-03
Jolene, I need some advice. My parents want me to take over the family mining business, but I don't want to. I want to be an astronaut.
Just calm down. What's the problem?
I'm flying to Jerusalem tomorrow, on a jet. I've to meet an obese propane salesman, to negotiate the purchase of his father's mine.
Hey! That's a just a little bit like an astronaut's job!
What do you mean?
Well, you're visiting a gas giant, Jew pit heir.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-03-03
Chaos ensued today as the guests at the MTV awards overthrew the government. With me now is new Information Minister Pink.
That is correct, Horatio. We celebrities feel that if we are to be worshipped as gods then we must rule like them.
What difference will the new regime make to the lives of the average citizen?
Citizens will be required to pledge allegiance to us daily, from memory, on pain of death. The new pledge has been drafted by Sean Paul.
Okay kids, repeat after me: "Fi chill me cyaan see and cyaan. And pon de safe dem will put it. Dat ting a weh yuh got dey. Man dem a run alla dem chase an dem hype up."

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-04-03
Kramer, I want a divorce.
A divorce?
Yes, a divorce. I want your house, car, and half of all your money.
And what are the grounds for this divorce?
I really like your house, car and money.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-04-03
So, are we ready to start the divorce proceedings?
I guess so.
Just sign here, here and here. That gives me the house and the car.
Hold on a minute- we're not married!
Married?
In fact, who are you?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-04-03
So, you say we can't get divorced because we're not married?
That is correct.
And there's no way I can get hold of your house, car and money?
No.
Will you marry me?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-05-03
I can't believe you were going to take my house and car and leave me with nothing!
That's not true. You were going to get custody of the kid.
You're not my real daddy!
What the-?
Let's just say it was a difficult birth.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-16-03
Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present.
That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others.
...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and...
For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker.
And you really can't get off that thing?
No, and stop staring at my crotch.

 

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Womack- I'm pregnant, and you're the father!
Pregnant?
That's right. In nine months you'll be the proud father of a little baby Womack.
I have to wait nine months? Talk about slow service.

 

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Look, Womack, I told you. The baby isn't due until August. You're just going to have to wait.
There's no way you can squeeze it out early? You know I've been extra good to you lately.
Extra good to me? You're not fooling anyone, mister.
What do you mean?
I can tell your sudden zest for cunnilingus has nothing to do with making me happy.

 

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
So, Womack. Have you decided on a name for the baby yet?
Babies have names?
I was thinking something like "Peaches" or "Honey" for a girl, can you think of a boy's name?
Dinner?

 

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Womack! What are you doing with that knife!
I was reading about women who have caesarian sections, and I thought maybe you could have one.
But Womack, I'm only three months pregnant. The baby won't be ready yet.
Anyway, isn't that a steak knife? And I don't think they use forks in medical procedures.

 

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Womack! I told you not to bother me while I was listening to my pre-natal meditation tape.
Sorry. I'm just going mad with the hunger. I think I'm starting to hallucinate.
Oh stop whining. At least you don't have to suffer from morning sickness. Now get out of here and leave me alone.
Are you even listening to me?

 

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Mr Womack, I'm pleased to announce the birth of your new baby boy.
A boy?
Yes. He's already taking after his father.
In what way?
He just chewed his own leg off.

 
Hello Richard. What kind of fish can I get you today?
I WAAAANT YOUR SOLE! I WILL EAT YOUR SOLE!

 
Hello Richard. What can I get you today?
I WAAAANT YOUR ROLLS! I WILL EAT YOUR ROLLS!

 

Mom, I'm just nipping out for a bit.
Where are you off to, Howard?
I'm going to the shops! Then I'm going to the library! And I'm going to the laundrette and the chemists and the bookies! Yaaaaargh!
I can't take you anywhere, can I?

 

Mom, I've just booked us tickets for our family holiday.
Oh, that's nice, Howard. Where are we going?
We're going to Belgium! And Germany! And Holland! And Denmark and Norway and Finland! Yaaaaaargh!
Is it too late to get a refund on my ticket?

 

Mom, I can't find my car keys.
Really, Howard? Where did you look?
I looked on the dresser! And on my desk and down the back of the sofa! And in the kitchen and the bathroom and on the bedside table! Yaaaaaargh!
That's it, I'm moving into one of those old folks' homes.

 

Gee, Betty-Sue. I sure am glad you said you'd come out with me on this date tonight.
I'm just surprised your mom let you out for the night, Howard. So, where are you taking me?
I thought I'd take you to a bar! And then we'd go to a restaurant! And the cinema and the fairground and the disco! And then I'd take you back to my place! Yaaaaargh!

 

Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Of course, in Britain they used to be called "Marathondoodles"

 

Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Haha! It was a trick! I really plan to violate you anally.
I can't believe I fell for that again!

 

Mr Dean, I'm your biggest fan. I've been following you round on the campaign trail.
Really? Where have you been?
I saw you in your hotel room! And the supermarket! I saw you taking a shower and on the toilet! I saw you in the bar trying to chat up a transvestite! Yaaaaargh!
Yaaaaargh!
YEEEEAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!
Okay, you're scaring me now.

 

Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...

 

Wow! I can't believe I made it to Washington to see President Kerry get sworn in!
I know! What a momentous occasion this will be for the United States and the world as a whole! Look - here he comes now!
Huh? Why's it gone dark? What happened to the sun?
President Kerry has blocked it out with his massive chin!
You know, if I'd known this was going to happen, I wouldn't have voted for him.
Are you kidding? This still beats the last guy.

 

One fine day in the park...
O SHITFUX ***PAIN***
WUT TEH FUK WERE U THINKING
OMFUX
OMGAD YOU DID IT AGIN AND LEWK WHAT HAPPENS
Thank fuck he's gone. All that shouting was giving me a migrane.

 

Dammit, another Valentines Day with no action. You sleep with a lot of women, Prince. What's your secret?
What I do is, I climb into the ladies' handbags when they're not looking so they take me home. Then, when they're asleep, I just crawl on up there.
And they don't mind?
Hell no. Most of them don't even notice. Say, have you seen my wristwatch anywhere?
Meanwhile...
Honey, you really need to see your doctor. That coil of yours hurts like hell.

 

Ah, well. I guess it's time to go through my user comments and come up with witty retorts to them all, as seems to be the current trend.
"Stop hiding in my bushes"
Ho ho! This prankster is insinuating that I'm some kind of stalker character. I assure you, gentle reader, that this is not the case.
Not since he got out the restraining order, anyway.

 

Hello there, dear guest, and welcome as I delve once again into the realm of my user comments. Let's see what I have today.
"I suspect him of being an advance guard for an alien invasion"
Aaaah. I think somebody here has been watching too much X-Files. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone at the door.
Xzyxzyxz, I think they're on to us.

 

Aha! It is me - Jesus! I know a lot of people have been waiting for this and it's finally here. Ladies and Gentlemen - The Rapture!
o/ HOUSE OF! JEALOUS LOVERS! HOUSE OF! JEALOUS LOVERS! HOUSE OF! JEALOUS LOVERS! HOUSE OF! JEALOUS LOVERS! o/
Being an MTV presenter is cool!

 

Phew! What a day. I was volunteering at the church all day, and now I'm really tired. But it was worth it.
Howard, you really need to get a proper job. All this volunteering isn't paying our rent.
What the- he just vanished! Wait a minute - could it be? The Rapture!
o/ HOUSE OF! JEALOUS LOVERS! HOUSE OF! JEALOUS LOVERS! HOUSE OF! JEALOUS LOVERS! HOUSE OF! JEALOUS LOVERS! o/
I love your album, but have you seen my husband? He just disappeared!

 

Be vewwy vewwy quiet - it's duck season!
Oooh, you wotten wascally duck!
I refuse to believe catching a duck is that difficult. In fact, I'm going to go out and catch me a duck right this minute.
Gotcha! That was even easier than I thought.

 

So I said, "That's no urinal, that's my wife!"
HA!!!!!! Holy crap, you rock! I was drinking there, and I just spat it ALL OVER THE PLACE.
I thought I told you to fuck off? No amount of sucking up is going to make you seem any less annoying.
That may be true, but you'd better think of a joke for this comic or it'll be shown up as a personal attack thinly disguised as a contest entry.
Oh.

 

Oh man! Someone put a red t-shirt in the washing machine with my shirts, and now they've all gone pink! Who would do such a thing?
Aha! It was me, Mikey G! I was put on this earth to annoy you. By Jesus himself.
Mikey G, I want you to go to Glasgow, and annoy the one they call Kramer vs Kramer.
Is this because I didn't see his film?
I've not to leave until you see it at least three times and buy the soundtrack album and all the action figures.

 

Help!
What's the problem little mouse?
I'm a handsome prince turned into a mouse by an evil spell
I'll see what I can do about it.
Decepticons!

 

MikeyG, you really are an insipid little cunt. You make me sick. Why don't you just fuck off?
The contest's finished. You don't need to insult me any more.
You twat.

 

Do you have any hobbies?
I like to inject my own feces into my cock with a syringe, so that next time I ejaculate I can watch my lover's expression as she realises her face is covered in a foul mix of semen, shit and blood.
So, do you want to come back to my place?

 

MikeyG, I can't seem to find my pet gerbil. Have you greased it up with the juices of your mother's rancid snatch and shoved it up your arse again?
I told you, we're on a different contest now. You can stop insulting me.
I mean it. Hand over Frisky.
I'll get the pliers.

 
Ouch.

Showing page 12.

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