All comics by biped

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by biped
9-24-04
Mommy, why have I always had a screw in my bellybutton?
DON'T ASK, Timmy! All I can tell you is... don't EVER unscrew it! Do you HEAR? DON'T EVER UNSCREW IT!
But, at last, one day curiosity finally got the better of Timmy, so he crept into the woods behind his house, and...
Now I'll unscrew this darn screw and find out what the big deal is!
MOMMY! MOMMY! MY BUTT FELL OFF!
OH, MY GOD!!!

 

by biped
9-25-04
This videogame is so great... it's making my penis hard... I'm on the 84th level... OMFG... I'm Superman...
TODD! I want to have wild, unrestrained sex with you RIGHT NOW!
GAAAAAAAA!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! YOU MADE ME MESS UP!!!
AAARGH! Where'd that damn dog go? WOOFY!!!
HEY! If you're going to fuck the dog, I wanna watch!

 

by biped
9-25-04
Are you inviting Chip to the big keg party tonight?
Of course! When Chip gets tanked up, he's the proverbial "life of the party"!
Well, you'd better have a first aid kit and some bandages handy!
No shit! Remember the time he tried to dive off the boathouse, and landed face-first on the dock? HYUCK HYUCK!
You probably didn't "get" this comic, because you don't know Chip.
Yeah! It's an "inside joke", STUPID!

 

by biped
9-25-04
Wow! We've never been to the 7th Level Of Impending Doggy Vomit before!
We'd better pray to Yorkus Yarshkin for a safe passage! HAIL, YORKUS YARSHKIN! BLUMPTY-BLUMPTY-BLARF!
Wait... did you say "BLUMPTY-BLUMPTY-BLARF"? It's supposed to be "BLUMPTY-BLUMPTY-BLURF"!
OH SHIT! PLEASE DON'T KILL MY GRANDMA, LORD YARSHKIN! HABBABA! HABBABA!
You probably didn't "get" this comic, because you don't play "Fluffy-Tech Warrior Kitty-Cat Zone:The Penultimate Final Apocalypse II."
Yeah! It's an "inside joke", you FUCKING DUMBASS!

 

by biped
9-25-04
When I died, I entered a tunnel of bright white light. You?
Nope. I fell through a dark, malodorous pit of horror and despair.
Bummer. Guess you didn't get to see your deceased loved ones, either.
Oh, I saw 'em, all right. Believe me, they were ALL there.
You probably didn't "get" this comic, because you've never died and then risen from the grave as a zombie.
Yeah! It's an "inside joke", you MOTHERFUCKING, COCKSUCKING, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS DICKHEAD!

 

by biped
9-25-04
Well, I micro-adjusted all the electro-magnetic metabolizers in the transmographical ionic supercharger, like you said.
Good! Let's go to lunch! I hear that new Italian place down the street is very good!
Italian? What a coincidence! The man who INVENTED the transmographical ionic supercharger was Italian!
No, he wasn't! You're thinking of Tony Danza!
You probably didn't "get" this comic, because you aren't a Tony Danza-obsessed nuclear physicist working on a top-secret government project involving transmographical ionic superchargers.
Yeah! It's an "inside joke"! And you're a BRAINLESS, HORSE-FACED FUCKHEAD with a TINY DICK!

 

by biped
9-26-04
Great suit today, boss! You have such excellent taste in clothes! Absolutely, positively impeccable!
What about my tie? You didn't mention my tie.
Your...t-tie? I... well... I didn't... I didn't notice th-the tie...
That does it! You're fired!

 

by biped
9-26-04
Boss, that wasn't really your wife that you had sexual intercourse with last night. It was me, disguised as her.
Oh really, Milton? Well... that would explain why I got the absolute worst blowjob of my entire life.
Huh? But -- but I practiced for weeks, on -- on baby carrots, and cocktail weenies and -- and --
That does it! You're fired!

 

by biped
9-26-04
Boss, I pee-peed in the watercooler yesterday.
Is that right? Hmm... was this before or after I indulged myself in five cool, refreshing cups of water?
Oh, before. You see, I have gonorrhea, and my penis was burning, and I thought the watercooler would cool it off, and before I knew it, I was peeing, and --
That does it! You're fired!

 

by biped
9-26-04
Gee, I can't believe I murdered everybody in the entire world. I must've been in a real snit, heh-heh.
I guess I can do anything I want now. Boy, it sure is quiet.
FUCK!!! SHIT!!! PISS!!! FUCKITY FUCK-FUCK!!! LA-LA-LA!!! BALLS!!!
FUCK!!! SHIT!!! PISS!!! FUCKITY FUCK-FUCK!!! LA-LA-LA!!! BALLS!!!

 

by biped
9-26-04
Well, arranging these corpses in standing positions sure has spruced the place up. Heh, this old dead guy looks like he's checking his watch. "Duh."
Oh, man -- FUCK! I don't remember murdering HER! Wow... she's HOT! And I can beat off right in FRONT of her... unnnghh...!
Hey, old lady! How'da ya like that DEAD SQUIRREL shoved up your ass? If you don't like it, just say so... TUH-HYEK HYEK!!!

 

by biped
9-26-04
Well, I'm the king of the world now -- might as well live in the White House. Any objections, Suit-Boy? Didn't think so, heh-heh!
Howdy, Mr. Press Secretary! Cat got your tongue? Don't worry -- I'll handle the live nationwide television announcements for today!
HELLO, FUCKHEADS! YOU ARE ALL HEREBY ORDERED TO EAT SHIT AND GO FUCK YOURSELVES! HEH-HAH! HYECK!

 

by biped
9-26-04
Man -- that's HORRIBLE! You guys oughtta be ASHAMED of yourselves! HAW HAW!

 

by biped
9-26-04
Gee... I'm kinda lonely now... *choke* I should've left one or two people alive so I'd have some company... *sniff*
Aww...I heard that. We're still alive, little boy...we'll be your friends.
HEE HAW!!! PSYCHE!!!
YAAAAAAA!!!

 

by biped
9-28-04
Oh, boy! I've finally got the whole house to myself! Now it's just me, Jenna Jameson, and "Mr. Weenie"!
Are you sure Billy won't mind showing my Girl Scout troop how to pull taffy?
Oh no, he loves to pull the old taffy! In fact, he's probably pulling, jerking, and manipulating some right now!
OH YEAH!!! WHIP IT -- WHIP IT GOOD!!! UNNGGGHHH!!! BEST JERK EVER!!!
See? He's having a ball in there! Go on in and watch him pull it, girls -- quick, before he finishes!

 

by biped
9-28-04
Mommy, what's a "son-of-a-bitch"? And what's "shit"?
Umm...a "son-of-a-bitch" is... a... a preacher. And "shit" is... uhh... food.
Oh. And what's "fucking"?
"Fucking" is... umm... getting dressed. Which reminds me, your father and I have to get dressed now... we're having Reverend Smith over for dinner.
Good evening, Sally. Is dinner ready? Where are your parents?
Come on in, you --

 

by biped
9-28-04
boinky33 paints black velvet portraits of kitty cat turds and donates them to the Red Cross.
boinky33 serves his own boogers to wealthy dinner guests and tells them it's Beluga caviar.
boinky33 stuffs his underwear with lunch meat and tells homeless people that he's a "human buffet."
boinky33 invades live public-access TV shows and re-enacts Road Runner cartoons with his genitals.
boinky33 likes to pretend that he's Luke Skywalker and that big, sweaty fat guys are Death Stars.
boinky33 likes to visit the maternity ward and juggle newborn babies in front of their horrified parents.

 

by biped
9-29-04
HEY, hello, everybody, heh-heh! It's me, Captain Chip! Oh, what fun we'll have tonight!
YAY!!! HOORAY!!! NEAT-O!!!
Here's a scene from my beloved TV series from the sixties! This is the one where I defeated the nefarious Dr. Fudgesicle!
"Looks like I've melted your evil scheme to take over Huge-opolis, Dr. Fudgesicle! Guess you're finally LICKED, you big DRIP!"
And now I'll take a few questions from the audience! You, sir! What would you like to ask Captain Chip?
Nothing, I... I just wanted to be near you, Captain Wanker... I mean, Captain Chip... *quiver*

 

by biped
9-29-04
My, what a wonderful personal appearance that was! This time they all came to see ME, Captain Chip, instead of that awful "Captain Wanker"!
Excuse me -- Captain Chip?
Why, yes! Did you miss out on the autograph signing? I'd be happy to --
OH, CAPTAIN WANKER! MY LOVE FOR YOU IS AN ALL-CONSUMING FLAME! I WANT YOU! I NEED YOU! I MUST HAVE YOU!
Now look -- I only did those awful "Captain Wanker" movies because I needed the money for a hernia operation, and --
SHUT UP! Make Captain Chip go away and let CAPTAIN WANKER come out! I know he's trapped in there somewhere, BITCH!

 

by biped
9-29-04
You're...you're quite mad, you know...heh, heh...
SHUT UP! I hate you, Captain Chip! You're suffocating my beloved Captain Wanker! I KNOW he could love me if you'd only release him!
NO! There IS no Captain Wanker! He's only the wretched creation of some horrible hack writer of "gay porno"!
I'LL KILL YOU FOR THAT, YOU BASTARD!!! PREPARE TO BE KILLED!!! KILLED, KILLED, KILLED!!!
If -- if you kill me -- you'll be killing Captain Wanker, too. Think about it a moment -- just calm down -- and think -- THINK --
Okay... okay... I see your point... this is going to call for more delicate measures... perhaps surgical ones... yes, yes... that's the ticket...

 

by biped
9-29-04
Oh, lovely...not only are you insane, but you're a highly-skilled insane surgeon with a fully-functional operating room in your basement... how wonderful...
I'll release you from that prison of flesh, Captain Wanker! Just hold on while I select the appropriate cutting instruments for the task...
Err... hey, it's me! Captain Wanker! TA-DAHHH! Just watch me wank! See? I'm wanking it!
OH MY GOD!!! MY BELOVED CAPTAIN WANKER!!! YOU'VE ESCAPED!!! AND -- AND -- YOU'RE WANKING IT!!! HO-SANNA HEY-SANNA SANNA-SANNA HO!!!
Heh, heh! How's this for wanking, eh? Nobody wanks it like Captain Wanker! Which would be me, of course! Good ol' Captain Wanker!
*GLORP* Oh, pardon my drool, blessed one... your wankage is a thing of beauty... that I can hardly wait to feel inside my loins... OH, MY ACHING, YEARNING LOINS!!!

 

by biped
9-29-04
I -- I'm putting on the naughty French maid outfit, Captain Wanker, just like you asked... I hope you like -- hey! The door's locked!
Darn right it is, you SEX-CRAZED WHACKO! Captain Chip HATES you! And, just for the record, CAPTAIN WANKER hates you, too! GOOD DAY, SIR!
Later...
I can't believe I need ANOTHER hernia operation! Will I never be shed of this awful Captain Wanker character?
Ahh, this time the script is really good, Cap! You'll love it! And the guy who wrote it will also be directing and starring in it with you! Here he is now!
OH MY GOD!!! YOU!!! AND YOUR ACHING, YEARNING LOINS!!!
AT LAST WE CONSUMMATE OUR FORBIDDEN LOVE, MY PRECIOUS CAPTAIN!!! LET THE EXTENSIVE REHEARSALS BEGIN!!!

 

by biped
9-30-04
This is funny! What do you get when you cross a blonde chick with an octopus?
God, I'm lonely...
Umm...talk to chairs often? Idiot?
No...I just had this funny riddle I wanted to share...
Then why don't you go into the kitchen and have a big round-robin laugh-off with the dinette set, fuckhead?

 

by biped
9-30-04
Even the chair hates me. Guess I'll just jump off this cliff and end it all.
Oh, by the way... you get a creature that's really dumb, but it sure can pick tomatoes. Well, happy landings, asshole.

 

by biped
9-30-04
I promise to create a million new jobs, and I'm gonna fill 'em all.
OH MY GOD!!! HE'S GONNA CREMATE A MILLION JEW SLOBS AND KILL 'EM ALL!!! OH, THE HUMANITY!!!
-- and what's more, I won't flip-flop on my stance to grow the economy, and quick.
YOU WANT TO DROP YOUR PANTS AND BLOW AN ECONOMY-SIZED DICK? WHY, YOU FILTHY PERVERT!!!
And I, Ralph Nader, promise to --
OH, FUCK IT!!! WILLIAM HUNG FOR PRESIDENT, 2004!!!

 

by biped
10-03-04
This is funny! What do you get when you cross a blonde chick with an octopus?
Tyler's odd riddle prompted the chair to envision this -- its very first mental image.

 

by biped
10-03-04
This is funny! What do you get when you cross a blonde chick with an octopus?
Oh -- is it my time already?
Yes, Tyler. I'm afraid you just had a brain hemmorage.

 

by biped
10-03-04
This is funny! What do you get when you cross a blonde chick with an octopus?
Shhh... I think the chair is asleep.

 

by biped
10-03-04
Me equals "The Dukes of Hazzard" with Bo and Luke. My opponent equals "The Dukes of Hazzard" with Coy and Vance.
Me equals "Bewitched" with Dick York as Darren. My opponent equals "Bewitched" with Dick Sargent as Darren.
Me equals early Stephen King books like "The Stand." My opponent equals later Stephen King books like "Hearts In Atlantis."
Me equals AMC that showed good movies with no commercials. My opponent equals AMC that shows "Amityville III" fifty times a month, plus commercials.
Me equals naked Amazonian girls with big boobies on pogo sticks...
And in other news, man eats underwear to beat breathalyzer.

 

by biped
10-03-04
boinky33 once jacked off a woodchuck at a Tupperware party.
boinky33 thinks meatloaf is something cows do on their day off.
boinky33 once ate fifteen supreme pizzas and then shit Dean Martin records for two days.
boinky33 thinks Cher Bono is something that stingy people don't do with their Bonos.
boinky33 loves little baby ducks, old pickup trucks, coffee when it's black, and crack.
boinky33 can only have a bowel movement if he's reading "Little Lulu" comics.

 

by biped
10-03-04
BITE ME CRANK, MATEY!
Mr. Baxter, you know that new hire over in accounting? The pirate? I just don't think he's working out.
Well, I'll have a word with him.
THROUGH THE LIPS AND OVER THE GUMS, TASTE ME MAN JUICE, YUMMY-YUM-YUM!
Captain Pissgums, I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go.

 

by biped
10-05-04
Your mom.

 

by biped
10-06-04
Mom! I don't like these "Instant Death" Flakes for breakfast!
Shut the fuck up, Timmy! Just SHUT -- THE FUCK -- UP!
FUCK YOU! I want my damn --
GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!
"FUCK YOU, MOM!!!"
Why, that little FUCKER!

 

by biped
10-06-04
Timmy, "FUCK YOU, MOM!!!" is the most popular show our public-access channel has ever had. I'd like to --
SHOVE IT, FUCKFACE!
Mommy, we're all out of "Instant Death" Flakes --
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!
"My mommy's a fucking cunt..."
Why, that little two-faced BITCH!!!

 

by biped
10-06-04
"Hitler's Ass" Flakes? What the FUCK?!?
They came outta HITLER'S ASS, FUCKHEAD! Now SHUT THE FUCK UP and EAT 'EM!
Me n' Timmy hate your fucking guts, Mommy, so we put rat poison in your coffee today.
WHY YOU LITTLE -- AAAAACK!!! ARRGGHHH!!! AAAAGGGHHH!!!
Yum-yum! These hamburgers we made out of Mom's ground-up corpse sure are good!
An' I made a dollhouse out of her head! The eye sockets are bay windows for Barbie!

 

by biped
10-06-04
Hi, kids! I decided to come home after fucking disease-ridden truck-stop whores for ten years!
Cool! Have a Mom-burger, Dad!
I farted you some french fries to go with it, Daddy!
No you didn't, sweetheart! That's just a stupid pretend thing that came out of your little dumbass mind!
What an asshole! Looks like we may have to kill Dad, too, huh, sis?
Yeah! I expect to get the "aw, that's cute!" treatment when I pretend to fart stuff for grown-ups!

 

by biped
10-06-04
Mmm-boy! Best hamburger I ever -- AAAAACK!!! ARRGGHHH!!! AAAAGGGHHH!!!
CHOKE ON IT, DAD! HA HA HAR!
We're...we're orphans now, sis...
Yeah...hey, let's go on a tri-state killing spree!
Darn, they caught us right before we killed an even fifty victims! That really bugs me!
Heck, we can kill people in here, too! Let's cut up that old bastard who wouldn't share his cigarettes with us!

 

by biped
10-06-04
Welcome to Toilet King, sir. Can I take your order?
Ha-ha! I was just laughing at your joke menu...so, what does the "Shit-Burger" really have in it?
It has shit in it, sir.
Shit? REAL shit? But...but it doesn't really, right? I mean...that would be horrible...
It's real, sir. I take a shit in the bun, and you get to choose your own toppings.
YUCK...just give me a "cornhole dog" and a large "pissaparilla", then.

 

by biped
10-06-04
Why is it so important that you want to contact the governments of our earth?
Because of death. Because all you of Earth...are IDIOTS! Drunk on power and absinth!
Now you just hold on, Buster!
No, YOU hold on!
So what if we do develop this Solaranite bomb? We'd be even a stronger nation than now.
"Stronger." Ya see? Ya SEE? Your stupid minds! Stupid! STUPID!

 

by biped
10-07-04
TATERS! TATERS FOR SALE!
TATERS!
TAAAAAAAATERS! TATERS!
TATERS FOR SALE!

 

by biped
10-07-04
Nobody has bought any taters from us today.
Maybe we'll have better luck if we split up.
TATERS! TATERS FOR SALE!
TAAAAAAAAATERS! TATERS!

 

by biped
10-07-04
TATERS! TATERS! TATERS!
TAAAAAAATERS! TATERS!
TATERS FOR SALE!

 

by biped
10-07-04
YOU THERE, BY THAT WATERCOOLER! TATERS FOR SALE!
TBBATBBERBBS! TBBATBBERBBS FBBOBBR SBBABBLE!
GREETINGS FROM PLANET EARTH! I COME IN PEACE, TO SELL YOU TATERS!

 

by biped
10-07-04
Any luck?
No. I didn't sell a single tater.
Me neither. I guess we might as well move on to the next item, then.
Okay.
BEETS! BEETS FOR SALE!
BEEEEEEETS! BEETS!

 

by biped
10-07-04
*Things People Think About And Secretly Wish To Talk To Someone Else About It But Will Never Admit It In Public.
Man, I haven't taken a shower in about a month and a half.
Me, neither. I've sweated over the same sweat so many times my armpits smell like onions and piss.
Sometimes I like to run my finger up my crack and see how much buttcrust I can dig out.
Yeah, I mined a huge wad just this morning and rolled it between my fingers until it disintegrated.
Oh, yeah -- I have loads of gooey cheese between my legs, too.
Better scrape some of that off before you go out in public. That's where a lot of the stench comes from.

 

by biped
10-08-04
Well, today's the day! I, Thomas Crapper, will invent the flush toilet!
But, Tommy... you promised to invent me a new recipe for ground beef.
Oh, that's right. I'll get right on it, Mom. That other thing can wait.
Thank you, dear.
Several years later...
Welcome to McCrapper's. Would you like some crap?
Yes, I'd like a double Big Crap and two Happy Crappers with extra crap, please.

 

by biped
10-08-04
This new device I just designed will help relieve female sexual maladies! I'll call it the --
Oh darn! My pencil broke again. I wish someone would invent a more reliable writing instrument.
Hmm...a challenge! I think I have just the thing in mind! I'll call it the --
Several years later...
All right, class, we're having a pop quiz today. Everyone get out your dildos.
Teacher, my dildo stopped working! Can I borrow one of your dildos?

 

by biped
10-08-04
I heard you were put in the stocks for unlawful common knowledge last week.
Yes, to my undying shame I must admit that you speak verily.
Was it unpleasant when the stocks closed around your head?
I'll say. There's nothing worse than the sound of that foul, unmistakable clattering klunk.
Several years later...
Did you just hear a fucking noise?
It must be my first-graders. I leave them alone for one minute and it's nothing but fuck, fuck, fuck all over the place.

 

by biped
10-08-04
Yum-yum! This new hard-candy-on-a-stick sure is great, Granny!
It's my new invention, dear. I call it a "lolly-pop."
Aw, geez, Granny! Can't ya name it after me? Huh, can't ya, huh? Can't ya, huh, huh, can't ya, huh?
Oh, of course I will, my dear, sweet little Richard.
Several years later...
Mmm-boy! I sure do love sucking and licking a big, hard dick!
I slurped down eight big, hard, yummy dicks yesterday!

 

by biped
10-09-04
Astro-Chicken, commence auto-destruct sequence.
But why, Tex? WHY?
I'm tired of living. I'm ending it all, and taking the entire crew with me. So you'd better go pray to your chicken gods, or whatever.
Chickens don't have gods, Tex...chickens don't have gods.

Showing page 14.

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