All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
3-05-03
You know, you might be right.
Yeah, it's not really fair to beat up men just because they're men.
All right! HERE'S TO GENDER EQUALITY! HA-IYA!
GAACHKK!
Cat fight! I'm sorry I missed it.
Well, Sanna, when you're wrong, you're wrong.

 

by Scyess
3-06-03
Get ready for some gastronomic excellence, Cowdjinn! I'm teaching myself to cook!
I don't think this is a good idea.
Let's see... I'll add thyme, and cinnamon, and maybe some celery, and pears, garlic salt, um... mayonaise... maybe some sawdust for a smokey flavor...
I don't think this is a good idea.
You were right. Jet fuel is definitely not a good substitute for oregano.
At least the food was destroyed in the fireball before we had to eat it.

 

by Scyess
3-06-03
All right, my second attempt to become gourmet went better. For an international flare, I decided to make a Portugese dish.
Tonight, we feast upon my new specialty: "cozinhando a pilha da merda!"
Isn't that Portugese for "steaming pile of crap?"
Uh, you weren't supposed to be able to speak Portugese.
I speak the universal language of sight and smell, my friend.

 

by Scyess
3-06-03
It seems that in the dealings with Iraq and North Korea, the tension between India and Pakastan has taken a dangerously low profile.
yes... yes... so warm...
And stocks are artificially low because of the market's condundrum over pending war.
OH, GOD! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! DO ME NOW, YOU WELL-INFORMED, MARKET-SAVVY, SEXUAL DYNAMO, YOU!
The Wall Street Journal: Because You, Too, Want to Induce Random Women to Have Sex with You
Hey, turn the lights back on! At least wait until I finish the "US" section!
I'm going to go down on you like the price of the dollar in international money markets.

 

by Scyess
3-06-03
------------------------- Them -------------------------
The conundrum is that it's a few inches longer than usual, a bit heavy, and kind of shaped funny. Can I still stick it in your box?
NO WAY! Not without paying a lot more, you stingy bastard.
--------------------------- Us ---------------------------
I know it's not usual to do this with cats, but I really need to.
No problem, sir! I'll make sure it gets exactly where it needs to go!
The US Postal Service: providing better service than back alley hookers since 1775. Visit us online at http://www.usps.xxx/
Listen, Jack, about your new ad campaign...

 

by Scyess
3-09-03
That guy is in good shape, well groomed, and attractive. No wedding ring... hmm... Let's see if he passes the test.
Hi! I'm looking for a man who knows how to make me feel like a woman.
Oh my gosh! Me, too!
*sigh* I thought his goatee was a little too neat.
Where do you get your hair done? It's fabulous.

 

by Scyess
3-09-03
Hm, that chickee is hot. Let's see if she passes the test.
Hey, there, cutie! Take a gander at my awesome bod! You know you want to hook up.
Oh, I thought I was standing in a Loser-Free Zone. I guess I'm in the wrong spot.
Yep. Dyke for sure.

 

by Scyess
3-09-03
That guy is in good shape, well groomed, and attractive. No wedding ring... hmm... Let's see if he passes the test.
HA-IYA!!!
AARRGGGGHHHH!!!
*sigh* So much promise, and yet just one kick and he crumples like a little bitch.
What... did... I... do...?

 

by Scyess
3-10-03
Can I go to his house, Mommy, pleeeeaaasseee!! He's so much fun! He has a pony and lives in a magic house with soft beds and happy juice!
What? Let me take a look at that.
Humbert_Rohypnol> Yes, lots of happy juice, made by my magic friend Jack Daniels. I'll pick you up behind the 7-11 at midnight in my flying unmarked van.
WHAT THE...!
...but what I didn't expect was for the mom to show up at the 7-11. But hey, beggers can't be choosers.
"Humbert_ Rohypnol"???

 

by Scyess
3-10-03
Hi! We're a bunch of unkempt, pissed-off looking teenage punks off the street. We'd like to swarm up to the CEO's office with this video crew and berate her, the company, and its products.
Um, no.
What? You won't let us go up? That is conclusive proof that your company makes harmful products! We're going to stand here on your private property and shout and act aggressive until you let us up!
Um, then I have to ask you have to leave.
AHA! THERE! WE'RE GOING TO PUT THIS EXCHANGE ON NATIONAL TV SO EVERYONE CAN SEE THIS IRREFUTABLE PROOF THAT YOUR COMPANY IS CONSPIRING TO KILL UNDERAGED CHILDREN!
No, if they were, they'd've issued me a gun for times like this...

 

by Scyess
3-13-03
Captain's log... thingdate monday...
Still no sign of food.
...but at least I have my Beegees tape to keep my sanity.
DAMMIT, ROGER! CAN'T YOU EVEN PERFORM THE SIMPLE TASK OF FETCHING ME A STAPLER WITHOUT CRAWLING INTO THAT TRASH CAN IN FRONT OF THAT STUPID OCEAN POSTER AND PLAYING "CASTAWAY" TO THAT GOD-AWFUL TAPE?

 

by Scyess
3-13-03
Oh boy! Maybe one day I could be President!
Why that's a super goal, li'l lady!
50 Years Later...
Oh boy! Maybe one day I could be President!
No, dear, it's hard to fuck your way to the top since I passed that Manditory Male Castration bill in '49.

 

by Scyess
3-13-03
My gosh, those hunters look like they're about to shoot those ducks!
Yep.
Hey, what are they doing with those speakers?
They're forcing them to listen to disco! I must protect those innocent ducks at all cost! Look! A scythe! How fortuitous!
...and that's why I showed up late for my test covered in blood, Mrs. Quackstein.
Right. And that we found the cafeteria lady in several pieces in the dumpster is just a coincidence.

 

by Scyess
3-17-03
So, you've finally started singing the blues again, huh?
Yeah! Check it out!
♫ bu-wah-wah-bum! ♫ My son, he never calls me! ♫ bu-wah-wah-bum! ♫ He never eats and he's too thin! ♫
♫ bu-wah-wah-bum! ♫ My daughter's dating a mechanic! ♫ bu-wah-wah-bum! ♫ And the price of corned beef's up again! ♫
♫ I gots them low-down, up-town, yarmulke Jewish blues! ♫ YEAH YEAH!

 

by Scyess
3-19-03
Hey, man, I'm here to apply for the job...
Ah, good! Please tell me why you think you'd be good at telemarketing.
Well, I've been a full-time bum on the street for 12 years prying what I could out of people through sheer annoyance and guilt.
SOMEONE GET THIS MAN A DESK!!!
'Scuse me. I'm out here visiting my kids who were taken away while I was on heroin. I'm coming off it now, thank Jesus, but I'm still not on my feet so could you give me $5 for the bus? God bless.
. . . ?

 

by Scyess
3-31-03
BLOOD IS THICKER THAN OIL! BU$H: MAKING MILLIONAIRES INTO BILLIONAIRES! NO BLOOD FOR OIL!
"No blood for oil?" What's that supposed to mean?
It means "NO BLOOD FOR OIL," man. Bush is totally in the pockets of major US oil interests.
How will increasing foreign supply in a market where demand is inflexible, thereby driving prices down, be any help to US oil interests?
Dude, that totally wouldn't fit on a posterboard glued to a stick.
I see.

 

by Scyess
3-31-03
I'm done for today, dude. You wanna go get some coffee or something?
Like a date? Um, are you a man or a woman?
You facist, sexist pig! How dare you impose your discriminitory homo-phobic prejudices on me, just because I ask you out!
You're so high you've forgotten, haven't you?
Well... yeah.
Sorry. Coffee allergy.

 

by Scyess
4-01-03
If the buttons go down the right side of the shirt, it's for men. If they go down the left, it's for women.
Yeah, but WHY?
100 years ago at the shirt factory...
Know what? I'll bet if we make men's shirts different from women's shirts in a way that only women can perceive, we can revile men who get it wrong and get all the women for ourselves!
That, my friend, is a great idea!
Well, I'm sure they had a good reason.
Yeah. The clothing industry would never lead us astray!

 

by Scyess
4-01-03
Some random protester asked me for coffee today.
Like a date? Wow! That's great! Um, why aren't you there right now?
Come on! I couldn't even tell if it was a man or a woman! Why would I go out with h-... er, it?
Because what if she was really a woman?
DAMN!
He may be the most pathetic man I know, but at least he's persistent. And gone. (Especially gone.)

 

by Scyess
4-02-03
I just bought an interesting book on how to predict stock prices based on P/E ratios, financial statements, hisorical data, and market trends using complex mathematical formulas!
Today in Iraq, the US bombed the shit out of some stuff that the military described as "pretty strategic stuff to bomb the shit out of." Stocks rose 300% in response.
I wasted my money, didn't I?
Let me loan you some, since I'm now rich.

 

by Scyess
4-02-03
Okay, I think I finally understand. Stock markets respond to war news because if the war ends sooner, the economy will be more stable, right?
Today, Americans rescued a cute 19-year-old maintenence chick who was previously captured by the Iraqis. Stocks jumped 560% at the news.
I guess I just don't understand economic indicato-... uh, who are you?
Cowdjinn is now rich enough to hire a secretary to talk to you so he doesn't have to. May I take a message that I will subsequently discard?

 

by Scyess
4-03-03
Wow! There's a chicken on a stool in the middle of this desert!
YIKES!
Larry! Tonight you will be visited by three spirits! In drag! And a llama in a convertable will show you the true meaning of proper oral hygene!
Uh... what?
Er, Sorry. You seemed so impressed when you saw me, "Give me some cornmeal" seemed kind of bathetic.

 

by Scyess
4-10-03
So the stock market's back in the crapper, there's still war in the Middle East, I think I'm coming down with SARS --
Hey, Jon?
Uh, what?
Did you ever notice that when humorists -- for example comic strippers -- run out of ideas, they often resort to satirizing current events instead of coming up with original ideas?
Why -- with the national debt mounting so quickly and the rainforests being depleated -- would you even ask such a question?
Oh, no reason.

 

by Scyess
4-11-03
Hello...?
♫This is a message from Annie ♫ She thinks you're a jerk and a klutz! ♫ That's why she sent me to bring you ♫ this song, plus a kick in the...
-------=======}}KICK!!{{=======-------
This is a... kick-in-the-nuts-o-gram?
Hey, it's a living.

 

by Scyess
4-11-03
...yes?
♫Lucy and Deb want to tell you ♫ They aren't going to be your sluts ♫ You're a two-timing whorebag ♫ and deserve a kick in the...
------- ======= }}} KICK!! {{{ ======= -------
...but... I don't know any "Lucy" or "Deb." I'm GAY, ferchrissakes...
Hey, wait... this isn't Arthur St.

 

by Scyess
4-11-03
Hello...?
♫ In Rhonda's view, you're worthless ♫ But still she spent ten bucks ♫ For me to come sing to you ♫ and give you a kick in the...
Yes? Well? A kick in the what?
Uh...
...Candygram.
For me? Aw...

 

by Scyess
4-11-03
I wish I could make more friends.
Maybe you could start by not kicking everyone you meet in the nuts.
Nah.
How about taking out a personal ad?

 

by Scyess
4-16-03
Hi, Samantha. Thanks for meeting me.
Hi, Jon. Hold on...
Well, sure, I'll... AAAAAHAHHH AHAHAHAHHAH AAAAAAHHH
That really hurt. Why do you DO that?
Sorry. If I torture some humans a bit I can write this off as a business lunch.

 

by Scyess
4-16-03
I'm sorry! Next time I will refill your water more promptly! Oh, the pain!
I take it back! We CAN make that without pickles! We'd LOVE to! MAKE IT STOP!
I've got to admit, I never get better service than when I eat with you.
Yes, word must've gotten around that I'm a big tipper.
AAH! The table by the window is available now! Put me out! PLEASE!
Dang... if only I had cleaned those forks more thoroughly...

 

by Scyess
4-16-03
So much for good service. I guess you shouldn't've burned the entire wait staff to ashes.
Nah, I left them enough flesh to get us our food.
I'm not doing it. You tell her we can't serve her the raw innards of a thousand sacrificial virgins.
No way! I already told her we didn't have sea salt.
I guess they're just in the kitchen, being lazy.
Well, there goes their tip.

 

by Scyess
4-16-03
It's about time you brought my order.
I... I'm sorry! Here you go: the raw innards of a thousand sacrificial virgins.
Hey, this is...
...exactly what you ordered, verbatim! Yep, there it is! Oops, gotta go!
I've never seen anyone eat that much pâté in one sitting.
I am a woman of refined taste.

 

by Scyess
4-24-03
I've finished my ice sculpture. If only I could turn him into a real person, he could be my friend.
What I meant to say is... if only I could turn him into a real person without an explosion that drove ice shards through my flesh at 500 miles per hour.
Woah, dude... that looks really painful.

 

by Scyess
4-26-03
I think you'll see from my portfolio that I'm perfect for the job.
That's not a portfolio; it's just a bunch of pictures of mutilated bodies.
Yes. Those are the previous interviewers who didn't hire me.
Not only did I get the job, she gave me hers.
Your first paycheck had better go to replacing my The Bodies of the Holocaust, Serial Killers, and the Vietnam War photo book you cut up.

 

by Scyess
4-28-03
It's great to have a job again. No more money problems.
Speaking of your job, your boss is on the phone. He wants to know why you're not at work right now.
There're lots of things to do. Why aren't you here?
What, you think just because you give me money I'm obligated to be where you want doing what you want? I'M NOT YOUR WHORE, DAMMIT!
I feel so... cheap.
If by "cheap" you mean "worth very little money," I'd have to agree.

 

by Scyess
4-28-03
Hi, boss. What's up?
Since you haven't shown up for work since we hired you, I didn't think it would be enough just to fire you. So I came to beat the living crap out of you instead.
THIS PANEL CONTAINS VIOLENCE WHICH MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN. (Except maybe abused children; they'd probably be used to it.)
That couldn't possibly have been legal.
I just read your contract. Section 12, Paragraph IX, says a thorough beating may be substituted for two weeks' notice.

 

by Scyess
4-28-03
Damn, Jon. What happened? I don't remember beating you up.
My boss beat me up for not coming to work.
You were beaten... by... someone else?
Yes... can you give me a hand?
HOW ABOUT A FOOT, YOU TWO-TIMING WHORE! HA-IYA!!!
GAH!

 

by Scyess
4-28-03
AAAAHH! WAIT!!
I can't believe you let some other girl beat you up! HA-IYA!!
It wasn't a girl, it was my boss, who's a red, asexual fish-lizard thing! He beat me up because of an obscure clause in my contract that says he can.
Oh.
AAAAHH!
Well, then, this is for being such a wierdo.

 

by Scyess
4-28-03
The beauty of the Internet is that you can find whatever you want posted on some message board if you just look hard enough.
See? I'm looking to find a recipe for khoresht-e geimeh bademjan. I'm hot on the trail now.
Three days later...
Yep... any minute now...
I don't know how much luck you're going to have on the Teletubbies web site.

 

by Scyess
4-28-03
Given up on finding khoresht-e geimeh bademjan on the Internet yet?
I haven't moved from this computer for 160 hours, but I won't give up. Eventually, someone has to post that recipe, and then it will be MINE! MINE, I TELL YOU!
A more intelligent person probably would've just bought a cookbook by now.
Oh, yeah, Mr. Smarty-Pants? Look what I found at http://www.stripcreator. com/forums/showthread.php?postnum=78735&forum=20, eh? khoresht-e geimeh bademjan! What do you have to say to THAT?!
http://www.khoresht-recipes.com. I found it in two minutes using lynx on your old 386 with the 12 baud modem.
I know what you're trying to do, but it won't work. I'm too exhausted and paralyzed by carpal tunnel syndrome to kill myself.

 

by Scyess
4-28-03
...and then he shouted, "I need more postage for my rhino!" and threw all the stamps at me.
Well your tounge IS an impressive size.
Still, I would have expected better manners from Lithuanian royalty. I never should have learned to play the cello.
The only thing I still don't understand is how that yarmulke got soaked in gasoline in the first place.
Wait... am I crazy, or is was this comic supposed to be based on the Amelia Erhart story?
...loosely based.

 

by Scyess
4-30-03
Oh! I thought you said Taylor, not Tyler. So yeah, I am the guy you're looking for.
Look, you've been shooting at me for an hour. I just came to point out what a lousy shot you are.
Anyone can kill someone, but a real assasin could keep him alive and conscious for days upon days of excrutiating torment.

 

by Scyess
4-30-03
Our five months of invasively extensive and excrutiatinly expensive tests show an 80% chance that you are, in fact, a pink donkey.
Wow! You went to college? What was it like?
No, no, no... this rectal thermometer only looks like my penis.

 

by Scyess
4-30-03
Taunting Warmongers
HEY, BUSH! I HAVE A BUNCH OF ITCHING POWDER! WHY NOT COME INVADE ME FOR MY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
Taunting Mike Tyson
You call that a punch?
grrr...
Eating at McDonalds
So you want the McBurger, McFries, Mystery McNuggets?
Yeah, and try to pick some without McBeaks and McAsses this time.

 

by Scyess
4-30-03
I've got a great idea for a dot-com company!
Great! Here's several million dollars! Go to it.
The Chinese ambassador invited me to tour the nation's meat packing plant.
I feel the sudden urge to rub myself all over Scyess' eraser.

 

by Scyess
4-30-03
Kichips KiSS VXE OC-192 8x8 Scaleable Switch Fabric User Guide: The Movie
Routing tag configuration can be set at CPU interface address 0001 to one of eight valid byte locations.
Oo! Tihs is my favorite part.
Jaws 5: Teletubbies/Olsen Twins Crossover Movie
I just turned Tinky-Winky into bloody-woody schreddy weddies.
Smooth.
Scyess' Comics: The Movie
I heard Scyess got $40 million in royalties for this movie.
And yet he still hasn't bothered to learn to draw.

 

by Scyess
4-30-03
Wow... that's... really... a great... booger collection...
Chlorine eating contest! Ready...
GO!
Difficulty aside, why do you even bother to shave cats?
Well, you'd be surprised how fetching they can look with a goatee and racing stripes.

 

by Scyess
5-12-03
I have no idea how to solve this case.
I'll go call some of our local super heros. I just don't know where to call.
Where do you call for people who wear capes and think they have powers?
Last time I tried the psych ward, but they said they won't let them out until they stop wearing capes and thinking they have powers.
Well, by that time they're pretty much useless to us.
I vote we forget the whole thing and go watch Law & Order.

 

by Scyess
5-12-03
Once again, the police are calling for local super heroes to solve a crime that is baffeling them. Sgt. Chuck Ground had this to say:
"...and we promise that this time we're not just going to round up all you people who wear capes and think you have powers and ship you off to the funny farm."
So far only The Caped Dangler, who has the power to remove all his clothing but his cape, has answered the call. He was immediately shipped to the funny farm.
Now if only they'd call for super-heroes in ties, this sort of thing wouldn't happen.

 

by Scyess
5-12-03
You actually answered our request for super-heros? Who are you?
I'm... *ahem* LAUNCHES-FISH-OUT-OF-A-CANNON-MAN!!!
Um, don't you have a cape or a mask or something?
Nah. No one knows who I am, anyway.

 

by Scyess
5-12-03
Well, seargent, what's the crime you need my help with?
Um... nothing. We just call for super-heros evey now in then when the psych ward cops look bored.
But... I came all the way down here...
Look, "Launches-Fish-out-of-a-Cannon-Man," you can leave here peacefully or you can leave hog-tied in the back of my police car. Now go the fuck home.
***~~BOOM!~~***
YYEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
I swear, Bill, I don't know where they get these guys. Hey, did you hear something?

Showing page 15.

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