All comics by Loomis

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by Loomis
9-07-02
In possession of the Holy Grail...
Woohoo! Carl finally gave me that CD-writer. About time, too.
Bah! Why don't *I* get given a CD-writer? I need one more than you do.
What to do, what to do... backup data? Create music CDs? Store gigabytes of CGI?
Pfft. You know you'll just be using it to copy games.
I'm Guybrush Threepwood, and I'm a mighty pirate! Hee hee hee.
You are *such* a colossal geek.

 

by Loomis
9-07-02
One thing I've noticed is that I seem to be in possession of incredible luck. Nothing bad ever happens to me.
Really?
Yeah, and even further than that, it appears that the better things go for me, the worse they go for somebody I know.
Like how?
Well, I just won half a million dollars from Lotto last week.
Wah!

 

by Loomis
9-07-02
Fortune. Luck. Chance. Coincidence. Fluke. Godsend. Windfall.
Happy. Content. Joyful. Glad. Blissful. Pleased. Jovial.
Broken. Smashed. Destroyed. Cracked. Shattered. Ruined. Damaged.
Scruffy. Untidy. Unkempt. Disheveled. Messy. Grubby. Unruly. Rumpled.
Build. Manufacture. Create. Assemble. Fabricate. Craft. Construct.
If you can't figure out the punchline on your own, I'm sure as hell not going to tell you.

 

by Loomis
9-07-02
Arguing with American Jenn...
Tipping is a great concept. Not paying your staff means they're *forced* to give you good service if they want to survive, unlike in this country.
Ick. It's an archaic custom, but I guess if you don't mind prostituting yourself... Americans always want something for nothing.
Dammit, why don't *you* go live over in America, and try being the odd one out all *your* life.
No thanks, it's not really my thing. I like living in a country that is actually viewed in a positive light.
Why do you feel the need to constantly pick on every aspect of my country?
You're American. The novelty hasn't worn off yet.

 

by Loomis
9-07-02
One extended road trip, coming right up! Everybody got everything they need? We won't be back for quite a while.
Yep, it's all packed and ready to go. So who's going to drive the first stretch?
I can't. My license was revoked last month, and I'm not getting it back any time soon.
Don't look at me. I don't like driving when there are other people in the car.
Oh, hey guys, am I late? I forgot to tell you we can't use my car. James needs it.
Oh, for fuc-

 

by Loomis
9-07-02
Running cross-country back in highschool...
Okay, nearing the finish line. I'm not first, but at least I'll finish with dignity. Just put on a final burst of speed through this muddy patch here...
Going head over heels, Loomis ends up flat on his back two metres from the end of the race.
Whoooaaa, crap! Yeah, this is embarrassing.
You're a pain in the ass, God.
Hee hee hee! Now maybe you'll start taking me seriously.

 

by Loomis
9-07-02
Early 2001...
So, are you going to come to Big Camp with us?
Sure, why not? It'll be fun to harass the Seventh Day Adventists. I've already made a list of things to ask them while I'm there.
You are *not* going to embarrass me next week.
Oh, no, of course not. We'll split up and make fun of them in our own unique ways.
You're *not* going to make fun of anybody!
Sure I am. How can you *not* make fun of people who believe their God doesn't want them to watch television on Saturdays?

 

by Loomis
9-07-02
At Big Camp the following week...
Well, now that we've got our tent up, I want to go talk to a few people. I'll see you later on.
Fine, go on, but don't you even *think* about causing trouble.
So, where do the sacrifices take place? That tent or that tent?
Hey, good to meet you. You know you SDAs actually look pretty normal.
So how *do* I go about joining you Mormons, exactly?
Sweet. The first day here, and my work is pretty much done.

 

by Loomis
9-07-02
The next day...
Heyo. Up for another day of baiting the religious types?
Could you *please* just try to fit in, and not cause any more problems? You'll end up getting us thrown out. They don't actually know you're not an SDA.
Really...
What?
I was just thinking; this all reminds me of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". Any minute now I'm expecting one of them to point at me and start screaming.
Gah! I can *not* deal with this right now.

 

by Loomis
9-07-02
At my younger sister's 21st...
[Long discussion about religion.]
[Long discussion about religion.]
An hour later...
Well, I'd better go, my girlfriend's started to get pissed at me for spending all my time talking to you.
Well, I *have* found that if you ever want to waste a great deal of your life, you can't go wrong with religion.
You mean talking about it?
Sure, why not.

 

by Loomis
9-07-02
The Three Musketeers and Bulworth.
Hi, I'm Oliver Platt. Today I'll be playing the character of... Oliver Platt!
Hi, I'm Oliver Platt. Today I'll be playing the character of... Oliver Platt!
Lake Placid and Doctor Dolittle.
Hi, I'm Oliver Platt. Today I'll be playing the character of... Oliver Platt!
Hi, I'm Oliver Platt. Today I'll be playing the character of... Oliver Platt!
Any other movie starring Oliver Platt.
Hi, I'm Oliver Platt. Today I'll be playing the character of... Oliver Platt!
Join us next week as we take a look at the many and varied acting styles of... Nicholas Cage.

 

by Loomis
9-07-02
I hereby apologise for the recent overabundance of "comic strips about a guy who writes comic strips".
While there is nothing inherently wrong with this kind of comic, I do understand that they are generally frowned upon within the Stripcreator community.
Meanwhile, over in Australia...
I will endeavour to be more creative in future. Thank you for your time.
Freakin' newbie. Worst comic strips *ever*.

 

by Loomis
9-08-02
Stigmata.
[Boring pretentious shite.]
[Arty pretentious shite.]
[Tedious pretentious shite.]
[Abstract pretentious shite.]
[Banal pretentious shite.]
[Vapid pretentious shite.]

 

by Loomis
9-08-02
The Usual Suspects.
Who is Keyser Soze?
Keaton was Keyser Soze!
*I* am Keyser Soze.

 

by Loomis
9-08-02
The Waterboy.
Now that's high quality H20.
I'm "The Fonz", and I want you to play football for my team.
Little girls are the devil! School is the devil! Ben Franklin is the devil!
I'm a psychotic love interest.
You kan due eet!
I love you mama!

 

by Loomis
9-08-02
Resident Evil.
Brrrrraaiinns....
Braaiiinnnsss...
*jiggle* *wobble* *kick* *bounce* *kick* *jiggle*
*bounce* *jiggle* *kick* *jiggle* *wobble* *kick*
Braaiiiiiiinns...
Braiiinnnnnsssss...

 

by Loomis
9-08-02
Did you hear? The creator of the Simpsons was recently given land and an honorary title by an ancient British noble family.
Really? Why's that?
Apparently he had been investing money over the past few years to help their tea-importing business stay solvent, and they wanted some way to repay him.
So for that they gave him land and a title?
Yes. Now he's Earl Groening.
I'm just plain old groaning.

 

by Loomis
9-08-02
Thanks for being a guest speaker on the strip, Swiss Tony. I'm sure the audience appreciates it.
Not at all, Loomis, not at all. You know... I find being a guest speaker is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
Oh, god, here we go again.
You have to feel around a bit, get a good grip on what tickles their fancy, put your finger on that which makes them cry out in pleasure.
You've got to concentrate on your timing and maintain your rhythm, while building the tension ever so gently towards the inevitable climax.
Then, at the appropriate moment, hammer your point home with enough force that they'll be rolling on the floor and gasping for breath.

 

by Loomis
9-08-02
This week I are been mostly drawing raunchy pictures of ballerinas.

 

by Loomis
9-08-02
Well, the psychiatrist thought it was mostly a combination of anger and embarrassment, you see, that made her lash out in that manner.
That's perfectly understandable. My niece once dated a boy who suffered from the same thing. He ended up in hospital with a tube down his throat, poor fellow.
I'm still reeling from her decision to cut Emory out of the will! I mean, when *hasn't* the man been there for her? I've tried reasoning with her, but she just won't listen.
Speaking of which, anybody seen Neighbours recently? Them Aussies are funny sorts, aren't they? Skippy! Kangaroos and all that?
...
I'll get me coat.

 

by Loomis
9-08-02
Aren't comic strips *brilliant*? They're like what videos would be if you had subtitles on and kept pausing them! *Brilliant!*
And aren't TV show/comic strip crossovers *brilliant*? Here you are, nowt ideas, an' you go jam in a bunch of funny people? Easy peasy! *Brilliant!*
And aren't beds *brilliant*? You can sleep on them, *an'* you can get girls to come to yer 'ouse and get their kit off *right there*! Fantastic! Well, I can't, but aren't they absolutely *brilliant*!

 

by Loomis
9-08-02
Good morning, I'm looking to buy a suit.
Ooh! Very good, sir, very good. Anything in mind for a rugged fellow such as yourself? The scruffy sort, sir? Bohemian? Ooh! Suits you, sir.
Er, no. I was rather hoping you could suggest something for me.
Of course I could, sir. Have you tried cunnilingus, sir, or does the moustache tickle them so? Scruffy rugged fellow like yourself. Ooh! Suits you, sir. Ooh!
Continued...
Pardon? I meant suit-wise. Could you recommend a *suit* for me, please.
I bet the ladies are just falling at your feet, aren't they sir? Running their hands through your greasy hair? Grabbing your firm buttocks? Ooh!

 

by Loomis
9-08-02
*Excuse me?* A *suit*, please.
Oh, of course, sir. How about this nice black one here. You have a thing for black, don't you sir? Ooh! Suits you, sir. Black leather, sir? Leather masks, sir? Ooh!
Look here, if you're not going to be helpful, I'll go somewhere else.
Just a joke, sir. So the black one it is then, sir? And where will you be wearing this, sir? Will you be with a *woman*, sir? Ooh! A woman, sir? Ooh! Suits you, sir.
Yes, and I'll be taking her out to dinner, and then later we'll be having sex. Is that what you want to hear? That I'll be "giving it to her"?
Sir! This is a *civilised* shop. There is no call for such smut here! Take your suit, sir, and kindly leave. And sir? Give the lady a stiff one from me, sir. OOH!

 

by Loomis
9-08-02
And it was only twenty or thirty minutes before, sure enough, a car came by and the man driving it offered to give me a lift to the police station.
As it turned out, there were no smugglers, and the ghost was actually just a sheet caught on a thistle bush. I did take some lovely photos that weekend, though.
Which was nice.

 

by Loomis
9-08-02
LURKING in the SHADOWS of your CUPBOARDS!
Grraaiinnss...
FEASTING upon your SOFT, YIELDING FLOUR!
Grrraaaiiinnnsss!
BEWARE... the RESIDENT WEEVIL!
GRRRAAAAIIIINNNSSSSS!

 

by Loomis
9-09-02
Loomis, age 12.
Woohoo, Form Two, and my mother just happens to be teaching our class this year. I wonder how things will turn out?
The year passes...
And the award for Academic Excellence goes to... Loomis!
This would probably be a lot funnier if I *hadn't* actually earned it.

 

by Loomis
9-09-02
Any logical argument for the existence of a god or gods would require strong evidence, and better "evidence" than just the presence of the Bible or any other holy book.
For example, uncovering evidence related to an historic event that was described in the Bible still cannot be considered solid evidence for the existence of "The God".
To look at this in a different way, a modern author producing a piece of historical fiction can present realistic, but nevertheless false records of past events and people, thereby...
Blah, blah, blah. Look, just *admit* I exist and you can have the remote control back. Oh, and your left socks, too. Bloody atheists.

 

by Loomis
9-09-02
Go on... ask! Look, it'll be funny, so just do it.
Sigh. What do you think about the guy who invented artificial insemination for cows?
I think it was rather nobull of him.
I hate you so very, very much.

 

by Loomis
9-09-02
A newspaper!

 

by Loomis
9-09-02
Aww... come on. Look, I even brought a gourd and a sandal so it'd be authentic!
Absolutely not. I'm not doing it.
Come ooooonnnn... look, I'll start you off... "o/` Some things in life are bad; they can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. o/`"
Not going to happen. Go away.
"o/` When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble, give a whistle! And this'll help thi-"
Look, either get me down from here, or piss off.

 

by Loomis
9-09-02
Heh, I just had the funniest idea. Better check to make sure nobody has already used it before... ah, crap, Kaufman beat me to it. Ah well, try again I guess.
Later...
Aha! Hang on, Kaufman again! And again! And *again*! How does he manage it?! It's always *him!* Damn you, Kaufman, DAAMMN YOOOOUUUU!
Meanwhile, in his orbiting satellite...
Excellent, Mr Bigglesworth. Truly... excellent. It seems our young friend's "punny" intellect is no match for our own!
amm ooo!

 

by Loomis
9-11-02
In fact, all Christianity is right now is a bunch of varying sects all claiming that their particular brand of "the truth" is the correct one. Each believes that their interpretation is right.
Add to that the fact that these people are divided further: some believe the Bible is to be taken literally, some believe it *isn't* literal, some think parts are literal and other parts are not...
Given the unverifiable nature of the subject, it makes you wonder why any intelligent person would give any credibility whatsoever to organised religion. What do you think about *that*?
You know, Loomis, for somebody who doesn't believe in me, you spend a disturbing amount of time talking to me.

 

by Loomis
9-11-02
And now...
...for something...
...completely different.
Fans of British humour will find this strip hilarious, while those heathens who don't appreciate true comedy will wonder what I'm smoking. Opium.

 

by Loomis
9-19-02
Waiting for the first interview...
Resthomes are so very quiet and still. Sitting here makes me feel like I'm waiting for Death himself. And speak of the devil, look who's here.
IT IS TIME. YOU WILL COME WITH ME. YOUR MORTAL LIFE IS AT AN END, AND NOW-
Actually, I think you want old man Whittle, the guy who just collapsed over there.
OH. RIGHT. TA VERY MUCH. SUPPOSE I'M NOT REAPING YOU TODAY, THEN.
No, not today. Don't feel bad, though, this kind of thing happens to me all the time.

 

by Loomis
9-20-02
So, Loomis, did you mail that donation off to Brad?
Yeah. I *was* originally going to send him twenty dollars in New_Zealand_currency, but with the exchange rate the way it is, I wasn't entirely sure that he'd get much use out of it.
"For example..."
*FLUSH*
Well, that was nice of him, but he could have at least sent the money in several *small* bills.

 

by Loomis
9-20-02
So, now that you're a donor, what are you going to do?
First thing on the list is to delete most of the self-referential, injokey, and generally unfunny comics.
You do realise that you won't have any-
Don't even *think* about finishing that sentence.
You'll also have to delete *this* comic strip.
Shutupshutup shutupshutup shutupshutup.

 

by Loomis
9-20-02
After introductions at the resthome...
Right, where to next?
Well, now we'll go through into the kitchens, so you can meet the cook you'll be replacing.
Arr! Boil them potatoes, and hang thems who disagree!
Fish! Raw fish! Suck them eyeballs off the end of a hook! Arr!
Odd. So why is he leaving, exactly?
Well, he's a nice enough man, so we lived with the hardtack, and put up with the slightly wormy apples, but when he served roast parrot... it wouldn't have been so bad, but it wasn't even *his*.

 

by Loomis
9-20-02
The next day...
Hello, Loomis? I'm just calling to say that if you can come in today, you've got the job.
Great. I'll come in at two this afternoon.
At two o'clock that afternoon...
What are you talking about? Job? There's no job here for you. You must be mistaken. There's certainly no job available.
Grrr.
Hee hee hee. I *never* get tired of seeing that expression on their faces.

 

by Loomis
9-20-02
On the way out...
Grr. Irritating morlocks. Can't even sort out communication between their own staff.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
Well, for some reason I no longer have the job I was promised; I absolutely *cannot* stand people who waste my time. Still, I'm not leaving entirely unsatisfied.
LUCKY FOR SOME; *I'M* GOING TO BE HERE FOREVER SORTING OUT ALL THESE BODIES. APPARENTLY THERE WAS RAT POISON IN THE AFTERNOON GRUEL.
I know.

 

by Loomis
9-22-02
Fight Club.
My life is worthless, and my existence has no meaning. I cannot cry, therefore I cannot sleep.
I think we should start a club in which we beat the crap out of each other, and encourage others to do the same. Of course, we can't talk about this club.
*POW* You *SMACK* are *CRASH* not *TWANG* your *BONK* car! *CRUNCH*
*SNAP* You *SLICE* are *GURGLE* not *SLAP* your *THWACK* house! *POP*
You *do* realise that I'm just a figment of your crazed imagination, and that everything that has happened has been done by *you*? *You* are Tyler Durden.
Hmm. The only logical way to deal with this unexpected situation is to shoot myself in the head.

 

by Loomis
9-22-02
BOO!
Wahhh!
BOO!
Yargh!
BOO!
Goddamnit! For the last time, you moron, it's *Fight* Club! F-I-G-H-T!

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