All comics by biped

Profile

 

by biped
4-08-04
I am not Scrappy-Doo or the Catwoman.
I am not Uncle Scrooge McDuck or the Road Runner.
I am not Foghorn Leghorn or Plastic Man.
I am not Sue Richards of "The Fantastic Four" or Baby Huey.
I am not He-Man, or any of the other Masters of the Universe.
I am not Lizzie McGuire or Yogi Bear's friend, Boo-Boo.

 

by biped
4-08-04
I am not an overweight policeman.
I am not a woman in a blue dress.
I am not holding a baby or feeding it.
I am not a priest.
I am not wearing horn-rimmed glasses.
I am not Brad Schwartz.

 

by biped
4-08-04
Doctor! Doctor! Can't you see I'm burning, burning!
WHOA!!! OH!!! Doctor! Doctor! Is this love I'm feeling?
No...you're burning because you're on fire. Here, I'll write you a prescription for some water.

 

by biped
4-08-04
GRRR!!! ME LEADER OF HELL'S ANGELS!!! ME WRECK YOUR CAR AND MAKE YOU KISS MY BUTT!!! BEEP-BEEP!!!
Oh, joy...it's Dog On Ball again...
WOOF-WOOF!!! ME HUMP YOUR WIFE'S LEG AND PEE-PEE ON YOUR LUGGAGE!!! AND BITE YOU!!! BOING-BOING!!!
I guess next he'll be pretending he's Charles Manson...
RISE RISE RISE!!! HELTER SKELTER!!! ME JUST MIRROR OF SOCIETY, BUTTFACE!!! HEE-HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW ---
...and kill me with it, yeah...figured he'd work that in somewhere...

 

by biped
4-09-04
There was a time when all on my mind was love...
Oh, Shirley...I love you so. All I want...all I need in life...is your love.
Now I find that most of the time...
...love's not enough in itself.
And, um, a large taco salad with a side order of Cheezy-Weezy Beans, please.

 

by biped
4-09-04
"And now, the Channel 3 Nightly News for Oct. 3, 1985. Your anchorpersons -- Timmy and Sally."
Good evening. Tonight's top stories -- sex jibe husband murders wife...
Bomb blast victim fights for life...
Girl, thirteen, attacked with knife...
Excuse me, Timmy -- I've just been handed a special bulletin --
This just in -- Princess Di is wearing a new dress.

 

by biped
4-09-04
1. The Middle East
Wow, you people sure do stink. It's as though you all bathe not with soap and water, but with your own shit.
2. Tokyo, Japan
Wow, you people sure do talk and act goofy. It's as though you were all a bunch of retarded baboons on speed.
3. Australia
Wow, you people sure are a bunch of shit-for-brains doofuses. It's as though your fathers all fucked kangaroos.

 

by biped
4-10-04
I don’t need a lot of presents...to make my Christmas bright...
I just need my baby's arms...wrapped around me tight...
Oh Santa, hear my plea...Santa, bring my baby back to me.
Sorry, I already sold your baby to a lesbian couple in Cincinnati. How about a nice fire engine?

 

by biped
4-10-04
I don't know who he was, either...he just ran through the house and out the back door...
He appeared to be running away from someone...oh, well...have a nice day at the office...
*POOF!*
OMIGOD!!! What happened to George? Who are you?
HEE-HAW!!! ME AGENT DOG ON BALL!!! WHERE AM NEO, BUTTFACE? BEEP-BEEP!!!
But...but I thought it was just going to be a trilogy...!

 

by biped
4-11-04
Ready for today's spelling lesson? Okay...today's letter is "R." Say it with me, kids...ARRRRR!!!
If you'll remember, yesterday's letter was...ARRRRR!!! And tomorrow's letter? It's gonna be ARRRRR!!!
Pirates don't really have to know a lot of stuff, kids!!!

 

by biped
4-12-04
Purple haze all in my brain...lately things just don't seem the same...
Actin' funny...but I don't know why...
'Scuse me...while I kiss this guy.
Why don't you try kissing the sky instead? That way, I won't have to kick you in the fucking balls.

 

by biped
4-12-04
Shit is good to eat...oh, boy. Especially from Pete...oh, joy. Because the shit that Pete emits...is yummiest of all the shits.
Sally's shit is tasty, too! I eat it till my face turns blue! The shit she makes from Chinese food...is better than a pizza, dude!
A shit buffet...that's what I love. Into my mouth, the shit I shove. I eat so much, I'm fit to bust...the British call it "upper-crust."
So join me now...we'll eat some shit! Until we've eaten all of it! "You're full of shit," the folks will say...and we will say to them, "Hooray!"
I wrote most of this poem.
I added the part about eating shit!

 

by biped
4-12-04
What? Oh...cute little squirrel, I mean.
Mooo...
Mooooo!
MOOO...MOOOO!!!
MOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! MOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Heh...dumb fucking cow.
MOOOOO!!!!!!! MOOOOOO!!!!!!!! MOOOOOOO!!!!!!! MOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

 

by biped
4-12-04
In 1928, during the first-ever Academy Awards ceremony, the award for "Best Titles" was given for the first and last time.
And the winner is...JOSEPH FARNHAM!
After 1928, the rise of talking films, or "talkies", rendered the "Best Titles" award obsolete. It was never given again.
Thank you for this honor. I hope it will be the first of many.
A short time later, Farnham also had the distinction of being the very first Academy Award winner to die.

 

by biped
4-12-04
You say it's your birthday.
Happy birthday to ya!
On second thought, fuck birthdays.
Yeah! Especially yours!
You're getting old.
No shit! Can't wait to rob your corpse, granny!

 

by biped
4-12-04
YOUR FIRST BIRTHDAY
Time for you to be born now.
Oh boy! YIPPEE!
YOUR PRESENT BIRTHDAY
I'm taking you camping for your birthday, sweetiepie. Mmm...*BURP*...pie.
Oh boy! YIPPEE!
YOUR FINAL BIRTHDAY
The test results are in. I'm afraid you only have a few hours to live.
Oh boy! YIPPEE!

 

by biped
4-13-04
HEE HAW!!! ME DOG ON BALL!!! WHO AM YOU, BUTTFACE? BEEP-BEEP!!!
*GASP* -- it's that fabulous celebrity, Dog On Ball! And he's acknowledging my existence! *swoon*
IT AM YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY? GOO-GOO!!! ME GIANT BABY!!! BIRTH HAPPY DAY, STUPID!!! GRRR!!!
I...I think he just wished me a happy birthday! What a precious gift...(*sob*)...I can die happy now!
DIE DIE DIE, HAPPY DIE!!! SHUT UP!!! WHOOPS -- ME BE NICE TO YOU TODAY!!! BOING-BWOING!!!
O, Courage! Give me the strength...to ask him...to go camping with me!

 

by biped
4-13-04
Her mind is occupied by a single thought.
CAMPING.
Suddenly, another thought intrudes.
BIRTHDAY.
The two thoughts become intertwined.
WEENIES. CAKE.

 

by biped
4-13-04
Don't have a cow, man!
Don't have a cow, man!
Don't have a cow, man!

 

by biped
4-13-04
I recently found the following comment on my info page: "Die, Dog On Ball, Die."
HEE-HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND KILL YOU WITH IT!!!
My rating has also gone down one star -- due, I fear, to anti-Dog On Ball sentiment.
VROOM-VROOM!!! ME RACE CAR!!! BEEP-BEEP!!!
Therefore, Dog On Ball will continue to appear even more now than ever before.
GRRRR!!! ME TOO CUTE TO KILL!!! HONK, HONK!!! SHUT UP!!!

 

by biped
4-14-04
I think I just took a shit in this spacesuit.
Why the fuck are you wearing that? Were in Kansas!
Just in case a tornado picks me up and carries me ... WHOOOAAAA! ... to the moon.
Earthling, you landed on top of our second most wicked witch. You know what you must do now, don't you?
Um...find the FIRST most wicked witch, and kill her?
No...you must prepare to die. The oxygen supply in that spacesuit won't last forever, you know.

 

by biped
4-14-04
Mrs. Kent? How do you feel now that your son Clark has been exposed as Superman?
Exposed? Oh my...I hope he was wearing clean underwear.
No, no...it was his identity that was exposed. To the entire world. On live television.
Well, he always had a nice one. I used to call it "Mr. Wiggly."
Er...how big was it? Pretty big? Describe it to our viewers if you would.
Well, on Krypton it would've been pretty average. But under the rays of Earth's yellow sun it turned it into a real jaw-dropping trouser beast.

 

by biped
4-14-04
I think I just took a shit in this spacesuit.
Why the fuck are you wearing that? Were in Kansas!
Just in case a tornado picks me up and carries me ... WHOOOAAAA! ... to the moon.
Earthling, you landed on top of our second most wicked witch. You know what you must do now, don't you?
Um...find the FIRST most wicked witch, and kill her?
Hey, you catch on quick! We had to do a huge friggin' song-and-dance routine for the little girl.

 

by biped
4-15-04
I think I just took a shit in this spacesuit.
Why the fuck are you wearing that? Were in Kansas!
Just in case a tornado picks me up and carries me ... WHOOOAAAA! ... to the moon.
Earthling, you landed on top of our second most wicked witch. You know what you must do now, don't you?
No. What?
You must work her shift at Moon-Mart until I find a replacement. Thanks for the hassle, Kill-Boy.

 

by biped
4-15-04
I think I just took a shit in this spacesuit.
Why the fuck are you wearing that? Were in Kansas!
Just in case a tornado picks me up and carries me ... WHOOOAAAA! ... to the moon.
Earthling, you landed on top of our second most wicked witch. You know what you must do now, don't you?
No. What?
Well...you can start by wiping your ass. Jeez, did you take a shit in that thing or what?

 

by biped
4-15-04
I think I just took a shit in this spacesuit.
Why the fuck are you wearing that? Were in Kansas!
Just in case a tornado picks me up and carries me ... WHOOOAAAA! ... to the moon.
Earthling, you landed on top of our second most wicked witch. You know what you must do now, don't you?
No. What?
You must listen attentively while I describe the fabulous new line of Amway products. AMWAY..."The Brand You Can Trust."

 

by biped
4-15-04
Music: "DOOT dee-DOOT dee-DOOOO..."
Hi, honey. I'm home.
How was work today, Ed?
I never made it to work. The battery on my electric car ran down.
But, didn't you remember to plug it into the recharger last night?
Oh, I plugged it in, all right...I just forgot to hit the "recharge" button.
Oh, ED!

 

by biped
4-15-04
WHEW!!! WHAT A RELIEF!!! I hate having to crap in the woods, but oh, well...it's all part of the camping experience!
GOOD LORD, what a STENCH! Way to stink up the whole forest, moron! Some of us have to live here, you know!
Oh, I'm sorry, little squirrel...but like they say, when you gotta go, you gotta go...heh-heh. See ya round.
Later...
"See ya round", she says! What say we pull the old "happy birthday" routine on her? CHUCKLE!!!
Cool! You leave a present in her shoes, and I'll whip up a nice batch of brownies in her bed! SMIRK!!!

 

by biped
4-15-04
MMM...You look GOOD! Me want to KILL you and EAT you!
NO, HAPPY STUPID DRAGON!!! PLEASE DON'T!!!
KILL AND EAT you is what me do! Yum - yum, you look GOOD!
NO!!! NO!!! NOT ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! AND ESPECIALLY NOT WHILE I'M CAMPING!!! PLEASE DON'T, HAPPY STUPID DRAGON!!! PLEASE!!!!!!
SLURP!!! MMM, her tasted GOOD!!! Yummy BLOOD and MEAT and CHEWY BONES!!!

 

by biped
4-15-04
Wow! Ever since civilization collapsed in the wake of a worldwide apocalypse, I just can't seem to get enough of camping.
Hi, nice lady! I'm an orphan and it's my birthday -- will you please take care of me?
Hey, neat! It's my birthday, too! But no...I won't take care of you. That would greatly deflect attention from my own, more important self-interests. Now go away.
You -- *sniff* -- you look just like my mommy. Sh-she was beautiful... *sob*
Well, DUH...of course she was beautiful, if she looked just like me...DUMBASS. Now get lost, before I shove your pigtails down your throat and yank 'em out your ass.
WAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!

 

by biped
4-15-04
JOEY GOES OVER TO MR. WILSON'S HOUSE TO VISIT MR WILSON!!!
WHAT'S THE MATTER, MR. WILSON!!! YOU LOOK REALLY UPSET!!!
I AM MAD AS HELL AT THE T-BONE STEAKS MY WIFE JUST BOUGHT!!! GRRRR!!!
DID'JA HEAR WHAT HAPPENED, JEFF!!! MR. WILSON'S WIFE BOUGHT SOME T-BONE STEAKS, AND MR. WILSON IS HOPPING MAD AT 'EM!!!
I'M NOT JEFF, I'M HIS MOM!!! GO ASK MR. WILSON WHY HE'S SO MAD AT THE T-BONE STEAKS, JOEY!!! I'M REALLY, REALLY CURIOUS!!!
GEE, MR. WILSON!!! WHY ARE YOU SO MAD AT THOSE T-BONE STEAKS THAT MRS. WILSON JUST BOUGHT!!!
OH, I'M NOT MAD AT THEM ANYMORE, JOEY!!! WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOR SUPPER!!! WE'RE HAVING T-BONE STEAKS!!!

 

by biped
4-15-04
JOEY GOES OVER TO JEFF'S HOUSE TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES WITH JEFF!!!
HI, MRS. GREEN!!! I CAME OVER TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES WITH JEFF!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!
I'M PLANTING DAFFODILS, JOEY!!! JEFF IS PLAYING QUIETLY IN HIS ROOM!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO RIGHT IN!!!
HI, JEFF!!! CAN WE PLAY NINTENDO OR X-BOX OR PLAYSTATION!!! I HEARD YOUR MOM JUST BOUGHT YOU SOME REALLY COOL VIDEO GAMES!!!
NO, WE CAN'T, JOEY!!! I JUST SMASHED ALL OF MY VIDEO GAME CONSOLES WITH MY DAD'S BRAND NEW SLEDGEHAMMER!!! AND ALL OF THE VIDEO GAMES, TOO!!!
OH, YOU DID!!! THEN WHY DON'T WE WATCH TELEVISION OR LISTEN TO CD'S!!! OR COOK SOME PIZZA SNACKS IN THE MICROWAVE!!!
NO!!! I SMASHED ALL OF THOSE THINGS, TOO!!! BUT IF YOU'D LIKE, YOU CAN HELP ME FEED MY SEA MONKEYS INSTEAD!!!

 

by biped
4-15-04
JOEY GOES TO THE LIBRARY TO CHECK OUT A BOOK TO DO A BOOK REPORT ON!!!
HI, MRS. WALDMAN!!! I NEED TO GET A BOOK TO READ FOR MY BOOK REPORT!!!
WE DON'T HAVE ANY BOOKS HERE, JOEY!!! THIS IS A LIBRARY!!!
SO THEN MRS. WALDMAN TOLD ME THAT THE LIBRARY DIDN'T HAVE ANY BOOKS, MOM!!!
SHE DID!!! I THINK I SHOULD GO AND ASK HER WHY SHE TOLD YOU THAT!!!
MRS. WALDMAN!!! WHY DID YOU TELL JOEY THAT THERE AREN'T ANY BOOKS IN THE LIBRARY!!!
BECAUSE WHEN HE SAID "BOOKS", I THOUGHT HE SAID "SNOWCONE MACHINES"!!!

 

by biped
4-17-04
You're the Rawhide Kid's brother? Wow...are you gay, too?
Shut up.
Hey Tex, I heard the Kid finally came out of the closet. Does this mean you're next?
No, it means "shut up."
Why can't you be neater and more fashion-conscious? Like your brother?
Shut up, mom.

 

by biped
4-17-04
I saw "Homos On The Range" at the Birdcage Theater last night. Your brother does a mean fan dance.
Please die.
I never knew the Kid was so limber. It's as though he and the rest of the chorus formed a single undulating beast, writhing in the throes of unbridled ecstasy.
I hate you. Really.
Why can't you be more interested in the performing arts, and other asthetic pursuits? Like your brother?
Mom, please don't make me shoot you.

 

by biped
4-18-04
JOEY AND JEFF GO TO THE MOVIES ON SATURDAY TO SEE A MONSTER MOVIE!!!
THIS MOVIE SURE IS SCARY, JEFF!!! I THINK THAT MONSTER'S ABOUT TO KILL THOSE ARMY GUYS!!!
HE JUST KILLED ALL OF THE ARMY GUYS!!! WOW!!! HOW DID YOU KNOW HE WAS GOING TO DO THAT, JOEY!!!
I SURE WAS SCARED, MOM!!! WHAT IF THERE REALLY WERE MONSTERS!!! THEY MIGHT COME AFTER US!!!
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE NIGHTMARES, JOEY!!! YOU SHOULD SEE A DIFFERENT KIND OF MOVIE NEXT TIME!!!
NO!!! MEG RYAN IS ABOUT TO GET OFF THE SUBWAY WITHOUT MEETING TOM HANKS FIRST!!! I'M SCARED, JEFF!!!
TURN AROUND, MEG!!! LOOK FOR THE GUY WITH THE CUTE LITTLE BOY WHO NEEDS A NEW MOM!!!

 

by biped
4-19-04
Brad spends the winter frozen solid in his backyard, alone with his thoughts.
I'm so alone...so very alone. So desperately, soul-ravagingly alone.
Oh, how I yearn for someone to keep me company...to be my friend. Or more than a friend, even. Someone. Anyone.
Oh my god, no...not the squirrel with the bladder-control problem again...

 

by biped
4-19-04
Well, that was horrible...I never knew a tiny squirrel could contain such a huge amount of fetid, eye-stinging urine...
Wait... I think I hear someone approaching...perhaps they'll be my friend...and free me from this bitter, icebound prison of loneliness...

 

by biped
4-19-04
Brad expresses his heartfelt gratitude in prayer.
Thank you for sending this coyote to be my friend. Amen.
And as the winter melts into spring, Brad's feelings for the coyote turn to love.
I've never loved anyone as deeply...as passionately...as I love this coyote.
Will you marry me?
Oh, Brad...I thought you'd never ask.

 

by biped
4-19-04
Dearly beloved...we are gathered here today...to witness the joining in marrige of this man, Brad...to this coyote...
At last, I'll have those grandchildren I always dreamed of...and oh, how I'll spoil them...
Oh, Papa...our little Scruffy-Poo isn't a baby anymore...*sniff*
Now, now...don't cry, Mama...you'll have me doing it, too...*choke*

 

by biped
4-20-04
What's with the mask? You're way too big, fat, and stupid-looking to be a real hockey player.
Tommy? Is that you? Where's my Diet Fanta?
Whoever that is, come on in! The door's open and I'm all by myself!

 

by biped
4-20-04
Get out of the house, Michael. My boyfriend's coming over for some sex, and we both hate you.
You know, Leatherface, I love barbecue so much, sometimes I wish that I WAS barbecue.
Friday the 13th! What a great day for a sexually-active, mongoloid-hating camp counsellor to be alive! Yippee!

 

by biped
4-20-04
Excuse me...aren't you Carlo Gamboni? The hot-shit Mafia boss? Well, guess what...I saw just you and your goons whack that dude.
And unless you come across with some serious greenbacks, pizza-breath, I'll go straight to the cops and sing like Enrico Caruso.
My dog is dead?

 

by biped
4-20-04
HEE-HAW!!! ME DOG ON BALL!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND KILL YOU WITH IT!!! BEEP-BEEP!!!
GRRR!!! WHAT GUN FOR, BUTTFACE? ME TOO CUTE TO KILL!!! VROOM-VROOM!!! ME RACE CAR!!!
My dog is dead?

 

by biped
4-21-04
Si, si! Muy bien, Pepe! Y ahora, digame, en Ingles..."mi perro es muerto."
"Mi perro es muerto"...uh...um...
My dog is dead?

 

by biped
4-21-04
Darn! Temporary blindness again! And just when I needed to take a humongous leak!
Whew! Thought I'd never find the bathroom! Oh...oh, yeah...that's better...ahhhhh....

 

by biped
4-22-04
Baloney is good. Oh yes...yes, it is.
It sure is very, very good, all right!
In a sandwich, with mustard. Or even mayonaisse.
Or fried up nice and brown in a skillet! With the edges burnt!
Yes, yes, and dipped in mustard! And served with turnip greens!
Yeah! Oh boy, let's go fry up some baloney, right after you get your sex-change operation, Dad!

 

by biped
4-24-04
The crime scene
Inspector Tex, I'd say the cause of death is quite apparent in this case.
Yep, Inspector Cowboy Bill...the victim seems to have had a full-growed cow shoved up his ass...sideways.
What do you deduce might be the motive in a case such as this'n?
Hard to figure. The perpetrator either had it in for the victim, or the cow...or both.
Or...mebbe it was just the random act of an insane person...who considers this to be some grotesque form of artistic expression.
Well, then, he'd have to be a student of surrealism. Because this sure ain't something Norman Rockwell would come up with.

 

by biped
4-24-04
The investigation
Where were you last night around 10:00, Jasper?
Last night? I was shoving a --
-- nice big heapin' plate of spicy ranch-style beans down muh gullet. Mm-mm.
Can you prove that?
Sure, hold on a second. ***FRRRRRRT***

 

by biped
4-24-04
The investigation continues
'Tweren't me, Inspector Cowboy Bill. I didn't have nothin' against old Pete.
And what about surrealistic art? How do you feel about that, Gus?
Oh, I can take it or leave it. Mostly I go in fer still-lifes 'n' sech.
So...a full-growed cow shoved sideways up a gent's ass wouldn't do anything for you?
Err...pitched er ketched?

Showing page 2.

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