All comics by jes_lawson

Profile

 

by jes_lawson
1-02-03
Int: The Self-Mutilation with Nails Support Group
All righty group, we have some new members to introduce today...
Ermm... Hello every one I'm Jim and I am a Self-Mutilator With Nails. I have a problem and I want to stop.
Hi I'm Jesus Christ? Son of God? Technically some Romans nailed me up here but I could have made my Dad stop them so that *sort-of* counts as Self-Mutilation, right? Guys?
Hey! Is this the class where we get to "nail" as many chicks as we like? Awesome!
If you would like information on Self Mutilation With Nails, or any of the other issues raised in today's strip, feel free to go and fuck yourself. Or phone our 24 hour help line: 0800-FUCKUWITHNAILS
Hi, err.. I think I'm in the wrong room, where's Alcoholics Anonymous?Or the one where you don't wear trousers...Scouts!
Hi, my name'sh Ray and I drrink "Liquid Nails". *Slurp* It's the daddy!

 

by jes_lawson
1-02-03
Lucky Jim is at the Self-Mutilation With Nails (SMWN) support group
I don't mean to be so down but my damn artist keeps drawing me looking sad all the time. It gets me so depressed I want to hammer shit into my head! *sob!*
So you feel resentment towards your creator?
Big deal! I feel resentment towards THE Creator!
I wanted to be a carpenter but my Dad said "Son, you gotta die to save mankind" By being nailed up to a fecking cross? Nice one Dad! Best joke since You put balls on the outside!

 

by jes_lawson
1-02-03
So you see I just want people to love me for who I am and give me more attention! More poses! *Sigh!* I'm so depressed...
Shut your flap-hole, stick-boy! I *died* for your nail-filled ass! Did you hear me complaining on Calvary? Sheesh! Go home and listen to Radiohead, loser!
Aren't You supposed to be compassionate and understanding?
Don't tell *Me* how to feel! Time spent by Son of God nailed up: 2000 years. Time spent by spineless stick-boy: Feck all. Come back when you can change water to wine, cocksmoker!

 

by jes_lawson
1-02-03
I feel better after that session but I wish Jesus wasn't so nasty to me.
Hey who are you? What's this?
Mr. Jim I am a lawyer representing the United Insect Front Against Entomophobia. You are being sued for £1squillion for slander against a species!
There he is! BASTARD!
I'm going to crash your picnic and then sting you right on your punk-ass hammering hand you nonce!

 

by jes_lawson
1-02-03
Hmm... well if I'm going to be sued I'll need legal representation...
Ah! Professor Wollery! Will you represent me in an obsenity trial?
Absolutely old boy! I run a very successful law practice!
Bonus!
I should point out that I've been practising law for 30 years without a license, and I'm getting no better at it! Damn shame, what?

 

by jes_lawson
1-02-03
Rich! I'm being sued for hate crimes against Insectkind and I need you as a character witness!
Forget it man! You traded our last bag of gear for nails, remember? Plus that hot-dog you sold me tasted like beetle shit!
But what am I supposed to do?
Ben'll do it if you buy him some beer and tell him it'll get him out of work for a week. Shit, Ben'd testify for Pol Pot if it got him an extra hour's lunch break...

 

by jes_lawson
1-02-03
Int: The High Court.
Oh hell! I'm so nervous! I hope I don't do anything stupid!
This court will now hear the case of The Insect Front Against Entomophobia vs. James Magillicuddy Lucksworth. #1! 4 tha money and tha... free ride,# 2! 4 tha lies ya said on the side#All Riise!#"
*Bla0RgH!* All Judges Are Bastards! Legalise paedophilia! All your base are belong to us!
Erm...M'Lud I'd like that last remark stricken from the record!
Motion denied! Watch yourself short-arse, last guy that cheeked me with Zero Wing bought a swim with Michael Barrymore!

 

by jes_lawson
1-02-03
Your honour, we the prosecution intend to prove Jim Lucksworth a blatant entomophobe who will incite violence, felch dogs and eat his own bogeys (probably)
Very well, prosecution, call your first witness.
First Witness
M'lud, Jim Lucksworth is a boorish sexist BASTARD who made fun of my genitals in an internet comic!
A serious accusation....Wait a minute! Are you chewing through the Oval Office skirting board?
*Scuttle* Hrr *burp*, no yhr hhnhhrr, *MUNCH*
Enough! Next Witness! Bailiff, phone me a joiner to fix that! No cowboys!

 

by jes_lawson
1-04-03
Dear oh dear, guv, that's beetle damage! You're looking at 3 grand. Cash only. Why I'd love a tea, milk and ten sugars, ta.
What the...? I said NO cowboys! Bugger off!
Oh... Well, then I'll just be moseying along then pard'ner.
Exploding Cowboy Joiners. Taking your savings, doing a shit job and spontaneously combusting since 1855
Can we get back to the fecking trial now?

 

by jes_lawson
1-07-03
Recap: "Lucky" Jim, your favourite self-harming stick man, is on trial for slander against Insectkind in a court that looks like the outside of the White House...
This court will now hear testimony from Mr. Ben Simmons, housemate of the accused.
M'Lud, Jim once got dog shit on my 'A' CD, wrote our phone number on the toilet wall of a gay bar and sent porn to Lauren Bush signed "Luv, Kim Jong Il" The CIA are *still* in our bins!
Ben What are you SAYING?
Work with me man, I'm going somewhere with this...
M'Lud, clearly he's a mentalist, jail would be wrong. I say we hang him and have proboscis monkeys violate the corpse! Then burn his dead, monkey-loved ass to cinders!
The court will take that under advisement.

 

by jes_lawson
1-09-03
I trust we can behave in a civilised fashion, Professor Hadrosaur? After all this IS a serious trial.
Indeed sir! I am to provide expert testimony on behalf of the prosecution.
And what news from the Historical Society Conference in London?
Much news, sir! The papers you submitted on 18th Century Maritime London were well constructed and much discussed there...
This IS good news, sir!
...the Society said "Poo! It smells of dog doo and old socks! Expel this poopy-head immediately!" How we laughed!

 

by jes_lawson
1-09-03
Still in court...
Well at least my submission to the History Society Conference wasn't just a photograph of A.J.P. Taylor with boobs drawn on!
I'll have you know that paper was very well received!
And your presentation entitled "Parliamentarians in 17th Century England - They're Boring and They Smell" ?
I drew stink lines on with brown felt tip. Everyone laughed! And you cannot dispute my conclusion: "H1st0ry s0c13ty r00lz!"
We're going to be in contempt of court aren't we?
Seeing as how the judge is A.J.P Taylor? Yes.

 

by jes_lawson
1-11-03
Hey Dad! What's the difference between Potential and Reality?
Why don't you go and ask your big sister if she'll fuck Brad Pitt for a million quid, son?
Hey Sis! Would you fuck Brad Pitt for a million quid?
Hell, YES I would! And I'd blow him off for another million!
I've got it, Dad! Potentially we're looking at two million quid. In Reality my sister's a fucking slag.
Damn straight son. Think I'm still living with you guys for your mum's cooking?

 

by jes_lawson
1-11-03
Int: Heaven
Hey Dad! Can we go to Mercury for holiday this year?
No, my Son. I went there before, eight billion aeons ago. Too hot and the food was shit.
Well what about Pluto?
No, my son. Pluto is too cold, and besides, the women there are as unclean as the whores of Gomorrrah.
Well, what about Earth?
Fuck THAT, son! I knocked your mum up there two thousands years ago and they're STILL talking about it!

 

by jes_lawson
1-11-03
At last: The Verdict!
James Magillicudy Lucksworth, we find you GUILTY of slander and HateCrime toward Insectkind!
But your honour, isn't Hate Crime a convenient term for everything Loony Lefties hate? Or something? Poink?
SILENCE! Thank your nail filled head you're not going to Guantanemo Bay! We remand you to the custody of Her Majesty's Giant Bin for Mentalists indefinetely.
From the gallery...
HANNNG THE NONCE! FOR SARAAAH! CAAAAHNT! RICKEEEAAAAH!
Fuck off you Mirror reading shite, you'll be dead come winter. Now where's those bribes from Ben Rick and Tony Blair?

 

by jes_lawson
1-11-03
Int: A Danish Post Office
I'd like to write a telegram please
Okay, hit me.
I want it to say: " WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF"
Err...OK... That's a fiver but we have a special today, one extra word for a penny.
But that would make no sense!

 

by jes_lawson
1-12-03
Bloody Hell! What was I on last night?
Where did all these crap comics come from? Did I *really* make all those insane posts to the Stripcreator forum?
And what the hell is this £500 bill from PayPal? OH SHIT!

 

by jes_lawson
1-13-03
Well Ruth, here we are again. Out of storyline and I've got less talent than a Chelmsford nightclub on Over 40's night.
Jes_, there are some people at the door who know what you can put in your strips...
GRAAGH! TOBOR FILL YOUR STRIP!
Me love you long time! Five dollar! No wait, make it fifty in your case!
So I said, "Those rotor turbines..." wait, shouldn't I be exploding?
Come on everyone! Andy Dougan has ginger snaps and you know what *that* means!

 

by jes_lawson
1-13-03
Listen, if I'm going to feature in these strips I want to look a bit more like myself.
OK
Hey! What are you, some kind of nonce?
You *are* still at college...And I do have a thing for school uniforms, but OK, hang on...
That's *slightly* better, you got the "indie-kid" bit right.
Don't get too comfy, there's another one here with bigger breasts - Hey if only life were like this, eh?

 

by jes_lawson
1-13-03
So seeing as how I'm too tired to go to aikido I suppose I should start putting together that Iain M.Banks piss-take, eh?
Whatever. You could come to the pub with me though.
But you work there! And the football is on! How will I get anything done?
Scripts are for bad actors and PHP hackers. Come and prop up my bar!
You're going to kill my fledgling reputation and my creativity.
Not to mention your brain cells, and your back later tonight...

 

by jes_lawson
1-13-03
So I said "Those rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha ha!
*FOOF*!
Hey! Wait just a *dang* minute!
That was my line!

 

by jes_lawson
1-13-03
Step 1. give your character a fucked up background. It helps if they are Scottish or just a bit wacko
I'm Frank from the Wasp Factory, ken? I get other kids to do lethal stunts, while I wait for my half-brother to come out of the insane asylum!
I'm Hinako from Canal Dreams. I am a borderline schizophrenic and have a phobia of flying.
Step 2. Plod the story along with some well detailed scenes. Ominous danger should loom. And happen.
You're a fuckin mental slapper, eh? Ahm away ae shoot a wasp's nest.
I'm in Panama, diving. Soon communist rebels will rape me and kill all my friends.
Step 3. Conclude the story with a twist, preferably referring to the victims childhood/ just completely fucked up
Ah shit! I'm really a girl! Mah da was "experimenting!"
Ha ha! I have a psychotic episode, stab the guerillas with a cello spike and swim off, naked! Stupid ned!

 

by jes_lawson
1-13-03
Step1. Set your novel in The Culture, a symbiotic human-machine society. Now make them anarchists. They are atheists, left-wing, liberal and sexually uninhibited
Man that was some good ketamine! Now I'm going to change sex so I can fuck myself!
The drone Tobor-Buttfux0r will be happy to join in. Set effectors to cornhole!
Step 2. For no good reason, send a charcter off to interact with another species.
Usually I will start moralising and interfering with your society.
Usually I have three legs and get effectored. Feet-For-Ears was up for this part but declined. Git.
Step 3. Show how it is all part of the machines plan to make everyone a left-wing liberal, add some more fucked up plot twists and a few silly spaceship names.
You fucked your cousin and then made a chair out of her bones? Jesus Christ!
All down to my childhood. Now if you'll excuse me I have to get back to my ship, the GSV Random Crazy Reuseable Police Clown.

 

by jes_lawson
1-13-03
Step 1. Jernau Morat Gurgeh, The Culture's greatest game player, is blackmailed into going halfway across the galaxy to play the ultimate game
You've got to defeat an entire empire of bisexual aliens at Unreal Tournament, or I tell everyone you cheat at Go. Then I bitchslap you with my effector! Repeatedly!
Shit! I'll take the bitchslapping! No, wait...what was the other one?
Step 2. Gurgeh immerses himself in the aliens culture, defeats all comers easily, but gains respect for them. The aliens are still, however, pissed.
Please don't shoot! In winning this game as complex as life I have given my own life meaning! HELP!
Silence Infidel! You have no God, are not bisexual, and are alien! W3 w1ll 0wn yuo b1tch!!
Step 3. Apolcalyptic climax. Reveal that Gurgeh is a pawn (ha!) in a political espionage play by the machines to promote, yep! Galactic socialist atheism!
They were an evil empire founded on institutional religious notions of superiority, sexual repression and genocide! They had to go!
Glad I have no concept of Right and Wrong. Or irony. Or what a "set-up" means. And they weren't so bad; they never once tried to hack into my ISP.

 

by jes_lawson
1-14-03
So Mr.Rafiq, how do you explain the prescence of the illegal toxin Ricin at your flat?
"I was only using it as research in order to write a book on terrorism"
Come on! That excuse got Pete Townshend off the hook!
Fart the tune to "Won't Get Fooled Again" out of your arse and I'll think about it...

 

by jes_lawson
1-14-03
Well, Safety Donkey, it seems Brad *finally* got round to recognising my donation to StripCreator!
The delay was only because you forgot to include your username!
Harrumph! Well, seems like the quality level has to go up by about eight kajillion percent now.
You owe it to humour. You owe it to yourself.
Shit! I'm scared! What do I do?
Explaining that some North Africans were arrested for possesing toxins and Pete Townshend was released for possessing child porn might help. And apologising for the "giant beetle clitoris" strip

 

by jes_lawson
1-14-03
You lost your JOB? You *useless* BASTARD! WE'LL LOSE OUR HOME FOR SURE! WHAT'LL I TELL THE KIDS?
Are you even *listening* to me?
Right now, I'm listening to Coldplay.

 

by jes_lawson
1-15-03
10th August 2001 - And a Glasgow film critic finally eats one too many "custard creams"...
Oh no! All those spunky digestives are doing something to me I'm changing! But into what?
AHH! what teh fuck has hapened? Hey yuo you fuckin fuck ned, waht is my name? waht do i do
Fuck that! *WHAT* the FUCK are you, eh?
And a legend begins!
taht is it!!! i will call miself FUCK and i will RAPP EVERY 1 IN TEH WUORLD! who is first?
Oh Shit! I don't like the way this strip is starting!

 

by jes_lawson
1-15-03
Fuck was to "rapp" some serious amounts of ass over the next year. But his past life sometimes caught up with him...
*taht* is for A Beatuiful Mind yuo fat aussie bastard! And *this* is for Gladiator! And *this*...
OOYARGH!!
And as 2003 begins, so fuck's time with us ends. Will he stay true to his roots? We're guessing...yes...
hey gess what bitch? i joined the raelians so now i can clone yuo and rapp yuo both at same time!!! Now SPREAD, YOU LITTLE HOOR!
WHY HAVEN'T ANY OF YOU STOPPED THIS YET? Every day I live is hell! Kill me PLEASE!
But what does the future hold for fuck? Fuck knows!
HA HA HA! Only another 10 billion souls of teh dammed left to rapp for eternity. And fuck look who is next!
NOOOOOO!

 

by jes_lawson
1-16-03
Int: Pop Music Industry HQ, 1974, where the first boy band is about to roll off the production line...
Just do what I do, and the Bay City Rollers will delight millions of kids the world over. You'll be where I am in 30 years!
Magic!
What did you say your name was?
Jonathan King!

 

by jes_lawson
1-20-03
Int: Richer Sounds, audio goods retailer.
Welcome to Richer Sounds? How may I help you?
Arr! I be returning this scurvy DVD Player. It be not compatible with Region 2!
Ah, the serial number apperars to have been filed off sir, I'm going to have to ask for a receipt!
ARR! Treasure Map? Plundered goods? What do I look like to you?
Ye be insulting my DIGNITY! I be sailing westwards to listen to New Found Glory and feel hurt!

 

by jes_lawson
1-20-03
WESLEY!
AARGH!
On the holodeck, eh, Wes? Whatcha running...?
Nothing Commander, I...
Let's see here: "Debbie Does Deneb I-IX", "Surveilence Tapes: Counselor Troi's quarters" and... "Sweaty Gladiators of Triskelion"...?
Please don't tell my mom!

 

by jes_lawson
1-21-03
Captains Log: The Enterprise is in orbit around planet FreakyMack G. in order to conduct some "bidnezz"
At last!The Federation representative is here!
Yo yo *yo* I hear you looking for "sumpin!"
Our planet is dying! We need pharmaceutical supplies urgently!
Yo check it! I gots phat Earl Grey like tha Man Captain Johnny P be shmokin' One hit, y'all be like "Make it So, Number One"
The first bag's free, right?

 

by jes_lawson
1-22-03
Int: Home of Andy Gilchrist, stubborn bastard and leader of the Firefighter's Union
Mr. Gilchrist?
Yes, that's me! The public supports our current strike to earn twice what a nurse earns for half the work! Who are you?
I'm the "hired gun" negotiator. I'm here on behalf of the government to show you why you should end this dispute.
Eh?
FOOF!
Oh Shit!

 

by jes_lawson
1-22-03
*harrumph* Although I promised not to do political satire I feel an explanation for that last strip is in order:
Oh, here we go!
Although I agree UK firefighters deserve a pay rise, the actions of their chief negotiator make a mockery of the term "negotiation"
I wonder if bonky33 or kaufman have made any new comics...?
The sooner all sides are more realistic, the sooner we can start deep frying chips when we're pissed again. Donkey...
Oh, er...well said John! Now, back to taking the piss out of Star Trek!

 

by jes_lawson
1-23-03
"Once there was a young man who attended Oxford university, then became the youngest ever Tory MP in 1969"
"In the 70's he becomes a successful businessman and critically acclaimed author"
"Libelous rumours about his private life are proved false in court in 1987, thanks to his honest friends"
"Again, the man's character is brought on trial in 2000, but his faithful secretary saves his bacon."
"Accused of perjury and lying to court, he escapes scott-free and writes the account in a successful book! The End!" Ha, another best-seller!
You really are a lying sack of shit, Lord Archer! Now, lights out!

 

by jes_lawson
1-24-03
ADD UP TO 12" TO YOUR MANHOOD! GUARANTEED RESULTS!!!
Wow! I could score with any woman in the with a cock the size of a marrow! Here's a big sack of money!
READ THIS! I MADE $50,000 IN JUST 3 MONTHS! SEND $20 AND I'LL SHOW YOU HOW!!!
Wow! Investing in this pyramid scheme will surely bring me out of debt! Here's my Credit Card!
Dear Sir, I am formally from the Bank of Nigeria and...uh-oh!
Since you've been such a collosal pain in the arse we think it fitting you'll be spending your first 15 million years with Tobor! Mwahaha!

 

by jes_lawson
1-27-03
After a hard day of pimpin' hustlin' and Da Makin' Of Da Space Benjaminz, the crew of Tha Enterpri$e throw a dope party. Word.
Man, we are gonna get so paid by StarFleet! Hey Worf, pass the blunt!
Mha'k BluQ! I can see Uranus from here! Ha ha ha!
Say Councellor, what do your telepathic abilities tell you about my penis?
That it's going to be having a Han Solo tonight...
*Cough!*This really is excellent shit, Mr. Data. Now set course for Starbase 24-7, we're out of Rizlas
Uhh, Captain? I'm Geordie. Say, how about I just replicate us some more of those cheesy things...?

 

by jes_lawson
1-27-03
The party on board the Enterprise gets a little more heated...
*BARP* Hee hee! Here's a little transporter trick we used to pull back in Starfleet Academy!
EEEEEEEEEH!
Heh-heh!
For Chrissakes, O'Brien! Where did you teleport my bra to this time?

 

by jes_lawson
1-27-03
So why are you so happy
My anus is bleeding!
You know you're not supposed to eat the Anusol, yeah?
It's more fun this way!

 

by jes_lawson
1-28-03
Hey Doc! My elbow is bleeding!
I think you're a little confused. Firstly, that's not your elbow, it's your anus
My...anus is bleeding? Gee, is it serious, Doc?
I don't know, but what's more serious is that Rene Zellweger really needs to put more thought into who she sends to collect her Oscar...

 

by jes_lawson
1-29-03
Guess what Donkey? I've hacked into the Stripcreator server! I'm going to try and reprogram it so that I have "teh funneh"!
Jes, are you sure that's a good id...
A fatal exception has occured at 0xFF040B3A. Press Ctrl+Alt+Delete to restart.

 

by jes_lawson
1-30-03
Hey you, you byatch pigfucker! Know what I'm gonna do? Fuck your grandad! Hell yeah!
Then I'm gonna rape your sister and jizz in your girlfriend's ass! Then I'll shit in a bag and make her eat it! Damn!
Hoi! You can't talk to me like that you car seat humping lump of ordance!
Hell yeah, I just did, Grandad! I'm a dirty bomb!

 

by jes_lawson
1-31-03
# From the start it was like no other relationship! #
#Sex and love played no major part in it!#
#It was the smell from her anus! For which she was famous! I fell in love with the smell of her farts!#
Bloody Glastonbury rejects!
#400 Hz sinewave oscillation!#
Rock!

 

by jes_lawson
1-31-03
Flashback: 6 months. A castle in Transylvania.
Dirty Bomb! You are almost ready to be fulfil your purpose! Do you feel up to it?
Your mum's what I feel! Ha ha! Seriously though I feel pretty fucking good. And so I should - I just came on the floor!
Excellent! Soon I will unleash you on those idiots at Cambridge who turned me down years ago.
Yeah, Doc! Fuck them! In the ear!
We'll see who's touching who's genitals during interview now Mr. Head of Admissions Board!
Hey Doc! What does a bomb have to do to get a beer and some cheap ass round here, eh?

 

by jes_lawson
1-31-03
Captain's Log. Stardate: Morning After. Picard wakes in a pool of his own vomit...
Urrr...Sweet Rabid Jesus, Laforge, it feels like a Klingon shat in my mouth
Worse still, Captain! Someone dropped the keys of the Enterprise down the warp core last night and we can't reach them.
Have you tried a coathanger?
Engineering's all got the DT's sir. We're shaking like Elvis's leg on the vinegar strokes . Plus we're more concerned about the foam in the shuttlebay!
Foam in the shu...Oh shit! I ordered we all have a foam party in there didn't I?
You also ordered we all "get naked and do the inter-species wild thing" as well, sir!

 

by jes_lawson
1-31-03
Yiah! Look out y'all muthafuckaz! I'm gonna bomb me some serious shit!
I'm gonna be all like...Hell yeah! "Yo bitch! Let's go downtown and fuck! Then I'll be all like BOOM! Hella sweet! Damn!
Fucking stupid Professor's better wheel me outta this lab and get me down the red light district fast! Bombs can go off prematurely too!

 

by jes_lawson
1-31-03
Hey! Safety Donkey! I've written one hundred strips! Time for *100th Comic Ploobtacular!*
This may not be the best time to tell you but your comics are horse shit and I hate you.
So you never liked my comics? You ASSFUCKER!
HEY! What consenting donkeys do together is none of your business! As for the comics, I may be an ass, but I can smell shit when I see it!
So you can smell out of your eyes now? Excellent! It complements the the pathetic excuses you speak out of your dick!
Right now I can only retain dignity by pointing out that we have run out of space for the amazing "100th Comic Ploobtacular you promised...

 

by jes_lawson
1-31-03
Int: Dr. Beverly Crusher's quarters
Oh Christ! Am I sore this morning! I hope to fuck this is foam on my knickers!
Hi Jean-Luc!
Doctor...

 

by jes_lawson
1-31-03
Damn! Feels like I fucked some Klingon bitch hard last night!
Good morning Ensign!

Showing page 2.

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