All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
5-17-01
Scientists have invented a new, environmentally-friendly means of rapid transportation. Here to demonstrate, our intrepid traveler leaves Washington DC at 8 AM.
By 9:30, he's zooming across Iowa ...
... and by noon, he's in San Francisco. Oops, it looks like they're still ironing out a few bugs in the brake system.

 

by kaufman
5-17-01
Long Island Iced Tea.
I would like a whiskey and water. No ice, I prefer my drinks hotter.
Easy on the vodka, please.
And bartender fella, Nix on that umbrella.
I do have to drive.
I want a small plastic fly-swatter.

 

by kaufman
5-17-01
Let me get this straight -- if you off somebody, you get a slap in the wrist, but under the hate crimes law, if you hated them, they'll put you away for life.
Yup, that's about it.
But how are we going to go about killing people if the cops might think we hate them?
There's only one thing to do -- learn the Barney theme song.
And thus the rampage began ...
o/` I love you
o/` You love me

 

by kaufman
5-17-01
White House Security, how may I help you?
This is William Peterson. I need to be let in -- I have an 8:30 appointment with the President.
I'm sorry, Mr. Bush says he knows no William Peterson.
*sigh* Tell him it's "Skiddy-Pants".
Yes, indeed. Step right in, Skiddy.
I hate this administration.

 

by kaufman
5-18-01
This week we're discussing that so-called classic, "Pride of the Yankees," starring Gary Cooper.
"Today-ay, I consider mysel-elf ...
Cooper plays Lou Gehrig, a baseball player who gets sick and dies of, *SURPRISE*, Lou Gehrig's disease.
The luckiest ma-an
I mean DUH! The audience is going to see that coming a mile away. Give the guy another name, for crying out loud!
On the face of this earrtth."

 

by kaufman
5-18-01
Well, King Arthur, you've won this lovely shrubbery, or you can trade it for what's behind the curtain.
Hmmmm, I like the shrubbery, but I really want to win that Grail. I'll trade it for the curtain.
"Let's see what you've won ..."
Baa-aa-aa-aa!
Baa-aa-aa-aa!
Aw, aren't they cute? You won a couple of goats!
Hey Monty, think I could trade them in for a large wooden badger?

 

by kaufman
5-18-01
Hey, do you mind calling our soccer game for us?
Huh? I've got important business on this earth.
Come on Jesus, your name's Mexican, obviously you can help out.
Well, OK.
Off the free kick ...
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!
And while you're at it, can you heal me?

 

by kaufman
5-19-01
Honey, have you seen Jesus and Satan?
They were fighting with each other so I sent them to the cornfield.
You sent Jesus and Satan to the cornfield?!?
Uh huh, and Death and Cthulhu too.
And thus dawned a new age, an age of atheism and self-determination ... or did it?
Honey, what are we having for dinner tonight?
You'll be so pleased! I picked some fresh corn.

 

by kaufman
5-19-01
Aeroflot Boeing comes down -- Eastern Finland. Gosh, hope I'm just kidding!
Look, Mom! News on!
Peter, quick -- remote. Switch to UHF!
Verboten! Watching Xena. Yow!
Zounds!

 

by kaufman
5-21-01
Hey kids, time for Hide & Seek. Six celebrities have hidden and disguised themselves. Can you identify them? They are:
Are you my daddy?
I just finished my new book. Hope the Zoroastrians like it.
(in no particular order) Elvis Presley, the Lindbergh Baby, D.B. Cooper, Salman Rushdie,
I didn't go left at Bora-Bora. I quietly turned upward instead.
You think we'd hide on a golf course or something?
Amelia Earhart, and The Real Killers of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson. Good luck!
If anyone saw my briefcase, could they bring it by? I last saw it in Idaho.
And if it's no problem, bring me a peanut butter and pill sandwich. Thank you very much.

 

by kaufman
5-22-01
46A09B5 + FDC01 = 479E5B6
ED31 * 72C = 6A51B6C
5 ^ 5 = C45
Wrong. It's C35. You lose.
Rats.
All your Base-16 are belong to us.

 

by kaufman
5-23-01
Needless to say, the finale of Voyager leads to an onslaught of sequel fan fiction.
That is like so cool, I think I'll write what next happens to them.
Stories about the precocious child of Paris and Torres abound...
Where would you like to go?
I think I'll just steal this ship, zip across the galaxy, and bag me a targ!
... but by far, nothing is more popular than Janeway/Borg Queen slash.
Your Majesty, I have brought an Antarean donkey for our mutual pleasure.

 

by kaufman
5-24-01
O Prince of Darkness, please grant your humble servant a simple wish.
Sorry, dude, I'm not into that evil stuff anymore.
I've taken up painting. This mural's mine. You like it?
Hell yeah (pardon the expression)! Wow, I had no idea.
Sorry I couldn't help you out with that wish.
No problem at all! See you later O Artist Formerly Known as Prince of Darkness.

 

by kaufman
5-29-01
FOUR-WAY INTERSECTION! FOUR-WAY-INTERSECTION!
These damned gas prices. Who'd have thought I'd need to take a second job to make ends meet, and as a fucking road sign!
FOUR-WAY INTERSECTION! FOUR-WAY-INTERSECTION!
Tell me about it! CAUTION, MOWING AHEAD!

 

by kaufman
5-29-01
o/` 2001 bottles of beer on the wall, 2001 bottles of beer.
o/` If one of the bottles should happen to fall ...
Hey, has anyone seen my "2000" sash?
CUT!

 

by kaufman
5-29-01
Let's screw.
OK.
Whoa, color!
Wow!

 

by kaufman
5-29-01
I HAVE TWO PAIR, ACES AND EIGHTS.
Too bad, G.R., I've got three Aces.
FOOL! DON'T YOU KNOW THERE ARE ONLY FOUR ACES IN THE DECK?
REMEMBER BOYS AND GIRLS, YOU CAN'T CHEAT DEATH!

 

by kaufman
5-29-01
wE hAvE y0Ur cThUlHu. iF yOu eV3r WaNt T0 sEe iT aLiVe AgaIn sEnD uS 1,o0O,o0o sQuIrReLs.
Luckily, I do a pretty darn good nut imitation.
A few dozen truckloads of squirrels later ...
Oh snoogly-wookums, I missed you so!
Never mind the mushy stuff, feed me some brains!

 

by kaufman
5-30-01
I see dead people.
No shit, Sherlock!

 

by kaufman
5-30-01
In the wake of the Supreme Court's Casey Martin ruling:
At long last, I'll be able to live out my dream of competing on the international beauty pageant circuit.
Thanks to the Supreme Court, what might to others be an advantage will be made available to me in order to level the playing field due to my disability.
From now on, I'll be able to compete while wearing a bag on my head.
Nice swimsuit!

 

by kaufman
5-30-01
This is great, I can't wait to try out my Microsoft Jesus!
Oh no, it's hung up!
THIS PROGRAM HAS PERFORMED AN UNRECOVERABLE ERROR..
YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO RESTART YOUR SYSTEM IN APPROXIMATELY THREE DAYS.

 

by kaufman
5-30-01
After sitting in front of his CRT for too long, Gene suddenly acquires the ability to grant wishes.
Hey Jesus, are you in need?
As a matter of fact, I am. Now that Comic Contest 32 is finally over ...
Do you think you could help me get down?

 

by kaufman
5-30-01
Let me see ... Ah, here's the weather section.
Hey Gene, the Farmer's Almanac says it will be a long cold winter, so I was wondering ...
Do you think you could help me get down?

 

by kaufman
5-31-01
Tobor, what was the scariest book you ever read as a child?
No question about it, "Dr. Doolittle."
That horrific image has been seared onto my memory circuitstill the end of time.
I mean, how do you cornhole a pushmipullyu?
Foggy out today.
Sure is.

 

by kaufman
6-01-01
August: 1944
Sir, we just got news from our man in Berlin. The Krauts are deploying Fraulein Flatulence in the US!
Oh my god, this could be the end!
Meanwhile in New Jersey ...
Pfffnnnbnnbkkrrrdsshshhhhtkkh!
A lawng-awaited breeze. Is this heat wave foynally ovuh?
And soon after, the Reich is dealt a fatal blow with the accident at the Dresden Frauleinflatulenzwerken.
Blpfpfpfpfknggt
Khnhghpnghpffftngch

 

by kaufman
6-01-01
Tobor, or not Tobor? That is the question.
Guess which one he chooses?
RAAAR!
Alas, poor Yorik. I cornholed him, Horatio.

 

by kaufman
6-01-01
The cartoonist only draws one ear on the rabbit.
The dog's limbs are more human than canine in form.
Don't you hate these half-assed efforts?

 

by kaufman
6-02-01
F4.
Miss! C8.
Hit. You sunk my last destroyer.
Hah! That's 1,098,345,182 wins for Cthulhu, and 2 for Jesus.
Feh! How come you guys always beat up on me?
If you must know, maybe it's because you never put your ships anywhere other than Row C and Colums 5 and 6.

 

by kaufman
6-02-01
I got a reply back from Savage Love. Bastard said I should enjoy all this sodomizing.
Don't give up hope, there's a new advice columnist out there you might want to try.
There is?
Yeah, it's called "Ask Jesus."
This one's from "Sore in Spokane."
Probably another grudgeholder. Tell him to turn the other cheek.

 

by kaufman
6-02-01
Whoa, the sun's coming up. We've been talking all night.
Yeah, I should probably head home and get a few hours' sleep.
Why not come back to my place? It's closer, and I just upgraded my stereo system.
Really? What have you got to play?
I can crank up my Woodstock CD. That rendition of "With a Little Help From My Friends" will really get your blood flowing.
Sounds great. Nothing like a stiff Cocker to start the day off rig... *DAMMIT!*

 

by kaufman
6-03-01
Nepal is still reeling from the massacre of its royal family by the crown prince.
Reaction in this small, Himalayan country was swift and predictable
He always seemed to be such a quiet boy!

 

by kaufman
6-04-01
Just put the finishing touches on that one ...
All done for next Christmas. Time for a well-earned vacation in The Big City!
This'll be great. Ho, ho, ho!
You called?

 

by kaufman
6-04-01
Thanks for the tip.
No problem. I've NEVER had that much fun coming down anyone's chimney before.
It must have been Cupid who brought us together here.
Hey dimwit, I'm Blitzen!

 

by kaufman
6-04-01
I hate this fuzzy math.
I mean, what do I get for that girl? She was so naughty ... and yet so nice.
Hey elves, back to work! I need a negligee made of coal, stat!

 

by kaufman
6-04-01
Oh man, my butt is really acting up and ... WHOA!
Thynk yyy fyr rylyysyng my frym thys spyt whyry Y'vy byyn trypped fyr syx cyntyryys.
O Speech-Impediment-Afflicted Genie, can you grant me a wish?
Ys lyng ys yyy rymyyn yn thys spyt, yyyr fyndyst dysyry wyll cymy tryy.
So as long as I stay here, I can lay manboobs instead of golden eggs? Goodbye hemmerhoids, I'm gonna sit right here until I die!

 

by kaufman
6-05-01
... But seriously, there is one thing worse than writer's block, and that's having to read something written by someone with writer's block.
Like when you think a comic's winding up for a great punchline, but instead, in the last frame, you just see a blank background with two irrelevant kids staring back at you. Don't you hate that?

 

by kaufman
6-05-01
Actually, I really don't have anything to say here.
Evidently, the author just liked the title of this comic and built it around the title.
If this works out, needless to say, this may become a weekly feature. Good thing I was written before it became Wednesday.
Or he may send a regular feature off in other directions, like having its titles all be plays on famous works of literature.
Unfortunately, these are just some of the distinguishing characteristics of this strip -- these or others may be used as rules in a future Comic Contest.
You might therefore want to identify some of the rules by which this was written. Not all of them are obvious.

 

by kaufman
6-05-01
By my count, this comic strip creator program has 199 Characters and 47 Backgrounds.
When you consider three balloon types -- dialogue, talk and none -- that makes 4,700,451,333,974,711,526,567 possible strips.
Did you ever consider that your species' purpose on this earth might be to create all 4.7 sextillion strips?
And that once that task is complete, the universe would be free to disappear?
Come to think of it, our research shows that you perverts have already taken care of all 276,367,302,348,699,104,824 possible strips involving the donkey character!
Nice going! Now quit reading this and get back to work!

 

by kaufman
6-06-01
June 6th is the day we celebrate D-Day.
Doctor, Marshal Wirthling suggested I come here. I think I've been getting sodomized repeatedly.
We'll see about that -- such violations usuallly leave telltale signs. Turn around, please?
It commemorates the anniversary of a heroic group of men's costly landing on a small patch of hostile territory.
Ok, hang on ...
Signs such as a pronounced widening of the rectal cavity, and ...
The 'D', of course, stands for "Donkey".
GREAT GOOGLY-MOOGLY! Just how long has this been going on?

 

by kaufman
6-06-01
And so, overshadowed by both the US and Great Britain in many respects, Canada struggles for its national identity.
Now class, do any of you have any ideas about what Canada could do to be taken more seriously? ... Yes, Alan?
Uh, replace the Maple Leaf in their flag with the Stanley Cup?

 

by kaufman
6-06-01
In the distant future ...
Ok, you can use my machine to go back in time, but stay on the path and don't even kill an insect. Otherwise, you'll irreparably damage history.
No problema! Year 2000, here I come!
Here I am in old Florida. Oops, almost stepped on that bug. There must be some safe way for me to leave my mark ...
Back to the Future ...
Relax, I didn't hurt a fly. Although just for the fun of it, I did mess with a box of butterfly BALLOTS.
DUMMKOPF!

 

by kaufman
6-06-01
I hid a bunch of money -- ungh -- under a Big W.
A big W? Where? You can't die yet!
Ok, we got to the park, but what could that dead guy have been talking about?
I have no idea. We'll never find his money.

 

by kaufman
6-06-01
You think you've got it bad, Griff, look at me? I throw the first no-hitter of the season, and what do they do to Hideo Nomo?
Huh? I see what you mean.
And how's this characterization? Just because he's wearing the swoosh, he gets to be me, Tiger Woods!
Quit your bitching, Tiger, at least you don't have the big mustache Rollie Fingers was notorious for,
Secretariat?
John Elway?

 

by kaufman
6-07-01
Hey Stepinfetchit, be a good chap and bring me shome more *hic* wine. None of that Chablis shite, either, makes my farts smell like dog snot.
I'm not a waiter, limey idiot.
Yesh, I am Prince Charles. Ears tip you off? Sorry about the vomit, but it's good your tits hang so low so it didn't hit your shoes. See, I crossed the pond on my yacht to escape the folks rioting
Lord, strike me down!
'cause I was fooking my mum in front of her hubby, and OWWW!
I said strike ME down you incompetent excuse for a deity!

 

by kaufman
6-07-01
Mind if I smoke?
Sure, go right ahead.
Whoa, EXTREME, dude! I gotta try that.
Excuse me, got any smokes?

 

by kaufman
6-07-01
So any other questions about the stripcreator site?
Just one, how come that Cowboy Physics cartoon always tops the polls?
You know the author of that one? He's from CHICAGO.
Chicago, what's that have to do with it?
Cowboy Physics
Look here, ANOTHER perfect 10

 

by kaufman
6-08-01
Ooh yeah, baby, give it to me harder!
I ran into a man who said he hadn't had a piece of ass in weeks. So I gave him my toenail clippings.
Which one is funnier, donkey sodomy or higherbrow humor? We're going to finally settle this with a scientific poll. If you think Donkey #1 is funnier, pick up your phone and dial 1-900-FUQ-MYAS.
And leave off the last S for "sodomy".
But if you think #2 is funnier, log on to the Lowpass Message boards, and post a reply under the thread, Low Pass Strip Creator Communal Serial II. Either way, we'll tabulate your votes.

 

by kaufman
6-08-01
Ok, Mister, which trees would you like taken out?
All but this one. It's of sentimental significance to me. For it was under this tree that I first made love.
And it was over there, just 20 yards away, that her mother stood watching us.
Whoa, what did she have to say about it?
Hee-haw, hee-haw.

 

by kaufman
6-10-01
...And I have yet to tell you about our secret space probe.
Not another rocket story.
I claim this planet for the Nepalese king... Please do not tell me that he is stone-dead either. He has more layers than an onion.
I think you are plum mad!
At the home of the creator of this strip...
Egad! I wonder how this is going... I wish I knew which rule this comic failed to comply with.
Number nine... number nine... number nine...

 

by kaufman
6-11-01
So how does a job like that make you feel, Mr. Death?
Frankly, the chaos of it all gave me a headache. After all, on that day we had 168 lives senselessly cut sho... hang on a moment...
How's it going, Timmy, will you come along with me?
As I was saying, we had 169 lives senselessly cut short on that day. The paperwork was awful!

Showing page 2.

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