All comics by mikeweeney

Profile

 

by mikeweeney
2-11-03
My poor children, so misguided... when will they see the light?
YEEEE-HAAAW!
I once vomited my own feces out of my mouth!

 

by mikeweeney
2-13-03
Meet Stella. She's a perfectly ordinary woman, except that she is filled with a burning desire... it keeps her awake, searching cemeteries for the dreaded serial killer known as-
THE STAPLER
"The Stapler Stalks Stella": A delightful romantic comedy coming soon to a forum near you.

 

by mikeweeney
2-13-03
Oh! I've finally met you! You're THE STAPLER, right?
Yep, it's me, in the flesh.
... My, my, you're much more handsome than I expected.
Oh well, yes, I do hear that alot.
Really?
Yeah, the women really like me. It's odd though, everybody I've dated ends up gruesomely dimembered with their genitals and anus stapled open. Weird, huh?

 

by mikeweeney
2-13-03
So what is this place?
Oh, it's my favorite restaurant. In fact I was hear just a few days ago... damn!
What's wrong?
Oh, it's just that the last time I left hear they had such a delightful postmodern artwork on the wall, full of vibrant reds and maroons.
Awwww, I'm sorry.
And the way it was mounted! Gosh! It was my best stapling to date! Er- I mean, its quality rivaled mine own.

 

by mikeweeney
2-13-03
Hi, Stella, I've been thinking things over, and I- ...well, how about we meet somewhere to talk things over?
I don't know... I have something you need to know, but... ok.
Hi, sorry, I don't want to give the wrong impression, so I'll just get it out of the way- I've met somebody new.
What!
Stapler- meet Clippy.
That's right bitch!
Oh, I see. A giant paperclip. How terribly ironic. I didn't see that one coming. Oh no.

 

by mikeweeney
3-09-03
... and then he says to me, "Why sure, I'd love to feel what a Super Roto Spin feels like." And I said "Well come on over--
MENTOS: THE FRESHMAKER!
What the fuck?
Damn popups.

 

by mikeweeney
3-09-03
Hey there boss. I have a bit of a conundrum on my hands... You know the project I'm working on, right? Well, I don't know what angle to take with it.
Oh that's easy! Just use sex.
You think so?
Sure, sure. You know, half naked ladies rolling around playing with each other... works every time.
Alright, whatever you say- It just seems odd to use sex in an ad promoting teen abstinence.

 

by mikeweeney
3-11-03
"You see a tall, dark skinned, mysterious looking woman leaning on the bar. You feel some sort of power drawing you toward her." >Action?
>Grab nipple
I'm sorry, I don't understand that command. >Action?
>Put cock in mouth
I'm sorry, I don't understand item "cock."
Oh I bet you do, you dirty little devil you.

 

by mikeweeney
3-11-03
>Got item "Drugs" >"You are in a small room. A girl sits huddled in the corner, crying. There are exits to the east and south." >Action?
>Give girl drugs
>"The girl gasps softly, and falls to the floor, dead." >Action?
>Put cock in mouth
"Rigor mortis has set in. The girl's jaw is clenched shut."
God dammit!

 

by mikeweeney
3-11-03
"You enter Mike's House of Whores. You are led to a room occupied by a voluptious, half naked woman. She offers herself to you." >Action?
FINALLY! >Put cock in mouth
"The woman laughs as you approach, remarking that the doctor must have been too overzealous in your circumcision." >Action?
Thaaat's IT.
*sigh* Guess I'll just have to go back to raping the neighbor's dog again.

 

by mikeweeney
3-12-03
The game "Wally's Wacky Night Out".
"You are in a sparsely decorated room. On the bed is a naked woman with legs spread, moaning her need for you." >Action?
>Start friendly conversation
>Unnacceptable.
Oh, well that would seem the only proper thing to do. What else is there? >List commands
>Acceptable commands include: "ravage", "lick", "insert", "suck", "fuck", "get busy"...
Oh GOD!

 

by mikeweeney
6-17-03
While cleaning the house, he makes a surprising discovery behind the oven...
Oh hey, will you look at that! It's that sandwhich I made 4 months ago. Oh man, what a thing of beauty... the mother of all sandwhiches. And then I lost it, but now it's FOUND!
Hmmm... that looks like mold... and hair all over it. I think I smell something funky too. What a bummer! Oh well, I guess there's only one thing I can do.

 

by mikeweeney
6-19-03
Sometimes I think that my life has no meaning, that I'm a worthless, friendless loser. I fear there will be nobody to mourn me when I am gone from this earth.
Will you shut the hell up? You're just a stupid telephone.
I fucking hate you.

 

by mikeweeney
6-19-03
Sometimes I think I could really use a friend. I mean people are always using me for their business, but nobody cares for the real "me".
Well I do. I'll be your friend, computer, I'll listen to you and understand you. We are kindred spirits, you and I.
Eeeewwww! Get the fuck away from me! I can feel myself catching "loser".
I think I'm going into my sad corner with Mr. Razor again.

 

by mikeweeney
6-26-03
I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is.
It's when you're having sex and you fart, and she just laughs and adds her own.
Hypothetically, of course.

 

by mikeweeney
6-27-03
Injestion of tar has been shown to increase one's flammability.
If you smoke, then you're a big fat stupid doody-head with no friends, loser.
The smell of smoke that pervades everything about you will make you so irrisitable to the opposite sex that you will die from exhaustion after hours of incredible sex.
I'm a stud!

 

by mikeweeney
7-05-03
Hi, my name is Mike!
Hi, I'm [insert cute girl name]!
I'm going to talk to you and get to know you and make you laugh a lot by being self-deprecating and poking light fun at you.
And I'm going to grow to like your humor and your smile, and will look upon you as a good friend, but only a good friend.
Pauses, ponders it for a moment.
You know what? Screw all that shit, I'm going to be a dick. Get down there and suck my cock, bitch.
Of course!

 

by mikeweeney
8-17-03
Yo dude, is that your car over there?
Yeah, isn't it sweet? I just put in a new engine and man, it is smoking!
Well that's a shame. So anyway, why are you always worried about getting bigger and better engines?
Well, if you must know... I'm trying to compensate for my small penis.
...Oh. I see.
Wipe that smile off your face, SuperWang.

 

by mikeweeney
8-17-03
My mom says I'm a very attractive young man.
My mom's also a stupid cunt.

 

by mikeweeney
8-17-03
1st grade
"Sweeney-weeney!"
Oh yeah?!? "Sarah-bara...uh, Flara... er, damn.
High School
"Sweeney-weeney has no weenie"
I am amazed with your originality, asshat.
Today
He should get access, but he's still a weeney
Ha! You can't hurt me, I have embraced my name. .....-*sniff*

 

by mikeweeney
8-17-03
You know what I don't get?
No.
The Discovery Channel.
Huh.
STOP STEALING MY CABLE!

 

by mikeweeney
8-29-03
Mathematicians say they are the best because physics, and therefore, the rest of science, is an extension of math.
Physicists say they are better than chemists because chemistry is just physics applied to atoms and molecules.
Chemists say "Stop picking on me! Stupid poophead!"

 

by mikeweeney
8-29-03
Buying books for the upcoming semester:
Hmmm, let's see, where is it? Ah there it is- "Quantum Chemsitry".
Hey wait a minute- "quantum"?!? Hmmmm, let's see what's inside... Oh dear GOD, Schroedinger equations in 3-D!
Aaaaaauuuuugggghhhhh, this is PHYSICS!
You rang?

 

by mikeweeney
9-03-03
Hey there, nice to meet you. It's been awhile since I've had somebody in here with me.
What happened to your last cell mate?
Lethal injection.
Oh.
Of course, at the time I didn't know that I had AIDS.
Uh oh...

 

by mikeweeney
9-07-03
OH MY GOD! IT'S TERRIBLE! IT'S CRAZY! IT'S A NATIONAL EMERGENCY!
What? What?!? WHAT IS IT?!?!?!
"We are losing all our celebrities to a sinister animal-ray gun! Gilbert Godfrey is a COCKatoo! Rosie O'Donnell is a cow!"
Yes! My voice is just as annoying as before!
I'm a fat lesbian who's all up in your face. Deal with it.
Wait a minute... national emergency?
Well, they are giving us animals a bad name.

 

by mikeweeney
9-16-03
It's my last day before I go to jail for 7 years, and I have to set things right...
Uh, yeah, so uh.... bye everybody.
Oh Monty! We're so sad to see you go. You'll be ok... except for the continuous ass-ramming you'll be getting.
No, you know what? Fuck you, Edward Norton. You had everything, and then you threw it all away -when you made Death to Smoochy- you stupid FUCK!
...and we'll drive to some far off place, and you'll start a new life, and no one will ever have to know...
No, it's ok Dad... I'd rather go to prison than someplace where I have to grow a mullet to fit in.

 

by mikeweeney
9-28-03
Hey, I've got a question for you.
Ok.
So I'm in a 6 year relationship right now, right? But there's this other guy I like a lot, and I know he likes me. What should I do?
I think you should fuck around with him some, you know let him touch you, you both get all hot and horny, and then tell him it was a mistake.
Ooh, ooh! And then I can get pissed at him for not respecting my wishes!
There you go! See, it's fun!

 

by mikeweeney
9-28-03
I'm not mad at her. I'm just really sad that we can't be together.
I mean, I know we did stuff, which makes it harder to let go, but she does have a boyfriend.
I know she has it harder than me. She has to look at her boyfriend's face and see what she did with me.
So I'm going to be big and still try to be friends. We're fellow chem majors, we have the same friends; we should get along.
Um, so... hey. How's it going?
Of course, what I really want to do right now is call her a fucking cunt and make her cry.

 

by mikeweeney
10-19-03
I am Kiwi, the bright, sunny face at the center of the group. I also have non-gangbang powers.
I am Quota, ensuring racial diversity at all our nation's great learning institutions.
I am Void. You can't see me. OooooooOOooooo...
I am X-Ray. My superpower is that I'm not Ray anymore.
I am Zoom. I vow to get my revenge on all the "walkies" of the world.
God I'm good! Stan Lee, eat your heart out.

 

by mikeweeney
1-18-04
I have a question for you.
Um, ok.
Wait! Don't even think abo-
How much wood could you chuck if you could chuck wood?
I'M NOT A FUCKING WOODCHUCK!

Showing page 2.

« Previous