All comics by mycatdrinkswine

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by mycatdrinkswine
2-17-12
Whoa. Your prices are outrageous. The bar across the street is way cheaper.
The bar across the street isn't also a music venue.
Exactly. I paid a lot for the ticket and now pay even more for drinks!
Then don't drink.
But I can't stand this band when I'm sober.
Sounds like you would have been better off buying a CD and case of beer.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
2-17-12
Why aren't you wearing your uniform shirt?
I worked last night and wore it. I didn't have the chance to wash it.
Well, I have to report this to corporate.
This is ridiculous. I'm at least wearing the right color shirt. The other bartender is wearing a hooded sweat shirt!
But she is wearing her uniform shirt under it.
You make my brain hurt.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
3-30-12
What the fuck? Why are you pouring my Corona into a plastic cup?
Sorry. The band manager requested no glass bottles in the crowd. It's a safety concern.
That's bullshit! I want the damn bottle. It's not the same out of a cup.
I understand, but like I said, glass bottles are a hazard.
This band is a bunch of whimps. I ought to chuck a rock at their heads for being fucking scaredy cats. This is fucking stupid.
And here's your beer in a less effective projectile.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
3-30-12
And I'm actually glad I don't notice the awful noise you seem to enjoy.
Dude! This band rocks so hard. It must be awesome to work here and see all these great bands.
Truthfully, I'm usually so busy behind the bar that I barely notice the band on stage.
I'm here because this is my job. You are here because you have poor taste in music.
Well that fucking sucks.
Not really. If I have time to watch the band that means I'm not making tips.
And car salesmen spend all day taking the expensive sports cars out on joy rides by themselves.
Well, if I worked here, I'd make sure to take breaks to rock out to the action.
Which is why you'd never be hired.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
4-02-12
We aren't favoring anyone based on senority any more.
Fine. But explain why the new guy is always at the most profitable bar?
He asks to be put there.
That hardly seems fair. Shouldn't you just rotate us?
This is more fair because everyone has the equal chance to ask.
In that case, may I work that bar for the next 8 years?

 

by mycatdrinkswine
4-03-12
Ooooh! Can you make a good bloody mary?
Unfortunately, I don't have the ingredients to make one.
I like mine with a pickle. And can you make it spicy? That's how a bloody mary should be.
I really can't make one. I don't even have tomato juice. Is there something else you'd like instead?
Just the bloody mary. And put a few extra olives in it.
Ma'am, I think you should sit down. Unless you're just deaf, you may be having a stroke right now.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
5-09-12
We need an employee handbook or something. I never know what is and isn't allowed any more after this management change.
Corporate thought about that. You must understand that in this industry nothing is simply black or white. You've been here nearly 11 years, use your judgement.
Later
Why would you comp an off-duty employee two beers for her and a friend?
Judgement call. That's what we've always done - first round on the house. It promotes loyalty; people work harder when they feel appreciated.
You can't do that. Free beer to anyone hurts my bottom line.
Since you don't get it, here, have the ten bucks for their cheap beers. I also suggest you invest in some desitin to remedy that chapped ass you get from corporate.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
5-10-12
Your drawer was short $6.
Eh, it's probably an over-ring I forgot to void. Did you check the print out against my stock counts?
No. What kind of beer do you think you over-rang?
Uh, that's the point. I don't know so you should compare the register count against physical counts.
Well, if you can't tell me what beer, then I have to assume you are just $6 short.
If I placed a paper bag over your head, would you be able to find your way out?

 

by mycatdrinkswine
5-10-12
I fucking KILLED it in the mosh pit. Shit's crazy down there!
Uh... do you need medical attention?
Fuck no. I'm hard. The only medicine I need is some hard liquor.
OK then. What'll it be?
Amaretto sour. Don't skimp on the cherries.
HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHHAHAHAHA... oh. you're serious.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
7-13-12
You will each get to choose a saying to have printed on your new uniform shirt. Here is a print out of some examples others have requested.
Hm. Oh, I get it. Classic, "The liver must be punished." Can I suggest my own?
Sure, but it should it be appropriate.
Cool. Wait, I work with someone who wants to put, "I fantasize about Star Wars characters," on their shirt???
Ha. That was actually a joke. ... Though ewoks are kind of cute...
Uh. No. Please, no. No?

 

by mycatdrinkswine
1-18-13
Oh, I didn't know we stocked this wine. Cool.
Yeah, it's decent.
What would you say it goes with?
Well, I'm pairing it with loneliness and a broken heart.
...
Chicken. It would go nicely with chicken.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
1-18-13
Well, She moved out all her stuff so I guess it's for real this time.
I bet you'll miss her too. But it's ok, I'll always be here for you.
You have no clue what I'm saying or any awareness of the change.
I do. I just thought this was leading to an open bottle of wine. Imagine my disappointment.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
1-18-13
First the best relationship I've had ends, then OKCupid matches me to an old ex, then the bat-shit crazy ex "pokes" me on Facebook.
Wow. It's like the universe is playing a huge joke on you.
I don't know what to do.
*I* know what you could do.... I mean, *women* seem to be the problem.
You would not like the outcome if I came in contact with your balls. They can be tied in a knot, right?
You're right, my bad.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
1-20-13
Here, I'd really like you to have this five dollar tip.
Well, thank you. That's appreciated.
What are you doing later tonight?
Uh... well, probably just going home.
How about you chill with me and my girl. You know... like get with us at our place. She likes you a lot. Even more than I do. Ha!
Gee. That's nice, but I have to ... wash my hair or clean my toilet or hang myself or something later.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
1-22-13
I had no idea of the state we were in. I hoped she'd find the missing piece, but we had time against us and miles between us.
Logically, you know it's too far past the point of fixing it; you're on different paths.
For me, it isn't over yet. Should I give up? We were the greatest!
It's not giving up, it's moving on.... Hey, wait a minute...
I guess she can't make her heart feel something that it won't. Still, we could have had it all. Um... where are you going?
I'm going to go destroy all the Adele CDs and mp3s you own.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
1-23-13
OK I am ready to move on. I've dumped the emotional baggage.
She's still someone I want to eventually call a friend. But she's not my forever and I owe it to myself to look for that. Damn it, I need to be talking with friends and not my cat.
My forever probably won't be thrilled to think I'm an iteration of John Arbukle.
No worries on that. I don't like lasagna.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
1-29-13
Two Jack and Cokes please.
Cool. Want to make those doubles?
Uh... doubles? What's that.
Twice the liquor... it's essentially two drinks in one but not twice the price.
That's a lot of liquor for one person. I mean... I only want to drink two drinks right now.
Yeah. Let me grab those bottled waters for you.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
2-06-13
So I met someone.
Does she like cats?
I like her. I mean I barely know her, but I have a good feeling. She's intelligent, engaging, and super cute.
And how does she feel about cats?
I'm excited to see her again. ... Hey, where are you going?
It's like you aren't even listening to me. Do the past 11 years mean nothing to you?!

 

by mycatdrinkswine
2-06-13
Can you keep my coat behind your bar?
No, I can't be responsible for your belongings. We can't hold on to people's stuff back here for a number of corporate health and safety reasons.
OH, by the way, this was during a Christian metal band show
Well, YOU BLOW.
Excuse me? That's not very Christian of you.
Praise Jesus?
I'M JOKING OK. I'M JOKING.
Suuuuuuure.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
2-10-13
Girls are super hard to read. I mean, she seems interested, but I tried to get close during a movie and nothing.
But then she kissed my cheek at the end of the night after hours of really good conversation.
I guess it is only the second date.
Uh oh. I have bad news for you. As lesbians, you should have moved in together by now.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
2-17-13
What are you doing?
Haha. I just checked for the newspaper today. But it's Saturday and not Sunday.
Eh. Weekend days tend to blend.
Not really. I'm just old; shit happens.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
2-25-13
I told her I talk to myself. And you. Not sure what's worse. At least I didn't mention that I just started talking to my plants too.
I smell another cat on you.
People talk to their pets and plants. I'm not so crazy.
Yeah. Definitely another cat. Another cat who SAT IN YOUR LAP. Of all places...
Hey. Sit down and calm down. I can't relax with you parading all around the house.
Calm down? CALM DOWN? YOU'RE THE ONE CHEATING ON ME.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
2-26-13
Oh wow. I never thought I'd wish there was something like speed metal on stage instead of what I was actively suffering.
Yeah. This is super awkward.
I mean, I'm no prude, but this "erotic poetry" reading is just ... weird.
Understood. OH did you just hear that? She said her ... her ... it ... smelled like... uh... a bouquet.
Unfortunately.
See you in our nightmares.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
12-06-19
In which I translate the BS that was actually said...
Basically, I have no idea what I'm doing and neither does your bar manager.
It was easier for me to support her even though she did some terrible things. You also had good points, but I just don't like conflict.
Corporate is giving me the opportunity to leave to save face. The bar manager is also now gone to save face for the venue.
This after you took me, a valuable and long-time loyal employee, off the schedule indefinitely. Good job corporate!

 

by mycatdrinkswine
12-08-19
So I heard the one manager is gone. And not voluntarily. Unfortunately, that was after she was able to push me out.
Apparently, she got confused about the #MeToo movement.
Schadenfreude. :)
It didn't mean she too could harass. Career ended. (Thankfully, the other party appears to be doing well in all aspects.)

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