All comics by mycatdrinkswine

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by mycatdrinkswine
6-19-06
so tell me, what do you do for a living?
i'm currently using tax payer money to support my drug habit while i pretend to be working on getting a post graduate degree in an obscure subject that won't be of any use to me. ever.
hey, maybe we can combine your graduation party with my retirement party!

 

by mycatdrinkswine
6-19-06
hmmm... what should we do today? how about a bike ride?
i'll take some pot along. it makes biking more fun.
or how about we go to a museum?
can i smoke pot before we go? the paintings look better that way.
or what about your friends' party... i'm sure they'll have pot.
cool. i'm going to go smoke a bowl to get in the mood.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
6-19-06
you know, pot really isn't addictive.
really?
yeah. i only smoke on the weekends... and holidays... and pretty much every night.
...
the best part is, smoking pot helped me totally quit smoking cigarettes.
well that makes perfect sense! silly me, i would have first tried nicotine patches.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
6-19-06
HEY RUFUS! how's my little man? you have a good day?
where's isabel? is she hiding? how would you guys like a little cat nip? or mabye a nice brushing.
jen realizes she's one step away from talking to the chachkas on her bookshelf.
well anyway... it's friday night, what should we do?
i'll get the wine.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
6-21-06
you know how my late husband was more than a foot taller? well when the girl is so much shorter, it's a lot easier to have sex with her on top. so that's what we did. i liked it better that way.
file that under: "things i did NOT need to know."
well, it's true.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
6-21-06
birds nested in the hanging plant on my porch. they made such a mess! and then it was hard to water around it, so i had to just dump out the nest and eggs.
GRAN! that's just nature doing it's thing!
somehow, i'm missing the logic.
well i don't give a fuck about nature when it's in my flowers.
i... uh.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
6-21-06
do you see that ENORMOUS couple over there? look how they have to sit so far from the table because of their stomachs.
uh, yeah.
wait for it...
i have to wonder how two people like that have sex. i mean, how is it even possible?
... maybe they don't.
i mean, he'd have to have a really long dick or something.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
6-23-06
5:58 pm
wanna get din--
CALL AFTER 9! FREE THEN! *click*
so so hungry.
9:02 pm
oh man, i just had the BEST dinner with my friend at this AWESOME restaurant! i really think you'd like it there!
at least i was wrong about that saltine ruining my appetite.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
4-16-07
do you want some of this?
some of what?
some mondle bread i made. it's a little burnt. it really could have used more almonds and i think i put too much salt in it.
uh...
i was just going to throw it out anyway.
thanks?

 

by mycatdrinkswine
4-19-07
hey, do me a favor before we open for business... which beer tap is which beer? i can never remember what handle goes where.
we sell bud, bud light and miller lite. does it matter?
good point.
tonight, let's make this tap bud.
he'll never know.
duuuude i need a bud. a BUUUUD. don't give none of that miller crap.
oh, of course not.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
4-25-07
hey... i called to see if you want to do something fun today?
sure! but i first need to run an errand, if you know what i mean. how about you come along?
why must they always "test" the product? i'm sooooo booooored.
a couple more of my friends showed up. why don't we just hang out here for a bit! this is fun!
... excuse me for a moment.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
5-30-07
heeeeeey... make me a shot. i don't care what it is just make it strong.
er... i really would prefer if you told me exactly what you want. but, uh, i recently saw this shot recipe for something called a "duck fart."
HA! that's hilarious! make me that!
this is against all better judgement.
holy shit, that was nasty.
and?

 

by mycatdrinkswine
6-02-07
gimme a shot of 151.
we don't have that.
uh then give me some jager... er no, tequila - wait you only have cuervo? um... just give me a shot of your stongest liquor.
everything i have is roughly the same proof.
i don't care then, whatever you want to give me.
well, then. let's see which liquor has barflies in the pour spout.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
7-09-07
yoooouuuuu are a LESBIAN.
i'm as disappointed as you are.
ok, so there wasn't a point to that.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
7-09-07
it's so hard to meet people these days. i mean, i just want to find someone down to earth who's looking for a real relationship.
i have a good job, i'm a good person, i know how to treat a woman right. i'm the type of guy who buys roses. you're very sweet... maybe you'd like to go to dinner some time?
well thank you, but i think we're both looking for the woman of our dreams.
oh, but he did.
well, i'll be in town for another week. here's my number if you change your mind. or visit texas some day.
oh no, he didn't.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
7-17-07
hey! you got goose? i need goose on the rocks.
you'll have to wait your turn, there are people in front of you.
FINALLY! listen, i need goose on the rocks. why couldn't you do a simple order like that instead of having me wait on that dude in front of me... you better make it strong.
i'll make it like i make it and the wait is long for everyone. that'll be $6.
why you gotta be like that? better not take attitude with me. it's cuz i'm not like you. you think you're better or something. that's it, ain't it?
no... it's just because you're an asshole.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
12-10-07
hey, can i get a bud light?
sure. first, show me some ID.
HA! ID!? i am OLD. you don't believe me?
it doesn't matter if i believe you or not; i still need to see your ID.
ok, here you go. see? i'm 25 years OLD. old old OLD!
25? if you're old, then i'm insulted.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
10-01-08
hey, this beer came out of a tap without a handle. how do i know you gave me miller lite?
oh, we've lost a few handles. that is hooked up to a miller lite keg, though.
hey, to answer your question, i tried tracing the line for that tap, but i can't figure out where it goes.
seriously? well, i've just been selling it as miller lite.
cool. it's probably hooked to a mystery keg. or to something running out of the bathroom.
hmm. in that case, maybe i should sell it as bud light.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
10-13-08
can i uh, exchange this drink?
is there something wrong with it?
well, like, what IS it?
it's exactly what you just ordered -- a vodka tonic.
*pout* but i don't like tonic!!! geez, well at least give me some water to choke this down.
would you also like a punch in the head? that's complimentary as well.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
10-13-08
OH tee hee.. i'm sooo sorry i'm such a bad tipper. a quarter just really isn't enough but i just don't have enough money to drink AND tip.
shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up
you know it just SUCKS so bad. money is SOOO freaking tight for everyone these days. and the beer is WAY expensive. priorities, right? OH LOL.
yeah, because the prices are my fault.
LOLOLOL oh i know it's not your fault!!! i'm just saying it SUCKS. i really AM sorry!!!
at least i'm no longer sorry about using a cup that fell on the floor.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
10-13-08
what the -- SHIT. RUFUS. YOU PEED ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR? WHAT THE FUCK?
uh... gotta scram.
seriously? SERIOUSLY? you stupid bag of fur! i'm going to skin you and wear your pelt as a fucking hat!!!
and can i ask why?
i get attention and affection confused.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
10-18-08
drink 1
oh hey, my buddy has more cash -- i'll totally get you next time.
heard this before.
drink 2
shit -- i forgot. next time, i promise.
liar.
drink fuck you
man... i'm SO sorry, i just realized i have exactly enough for one more drink. here. i'll totally be back with a tip, for sure.
it's all good, i'll totally find a chunk of mold in the ice bin for that drink of yours.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
10-22-08
you know, it still kind of burns me. i can't believe she, of all people, would make such hurtful jokes behind my back.
i mean, seriously? she said i was so lonely that i throw tea parties for my cats. what kind of bullshit is that?
sorry to vent. anyway, you guys ready for the wine tasting?
absolutely! let me go get isabel; she wanted to try the cheese you bought.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
10-22-08
what the hell are they doing in there? i'm going to meow as loud and as long as possible until they come out here and pay attention to me.
you can't be serious. they're having sex, you idiot.
oh, right. i never think about sex any more since i don't have balls.
come to think of it, i stopped caring about sex when i was spayed.
revenge sucks.
MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
good! keep that up. i'll find something to shove under the door to interrupt them.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
10-29-08
so uh, if i pay a little more, will you put more liquor in my drink?
*sigh* sure, that's called a double.
but i just want more liquor, not like two drinks.
right, what you're asking for would basically be a double, light on the mixer. so what would you like?
got it. ok, i'll have a gin and tonic, extra gin.
i'm not sure i can do that -- there's no way to ring "idiot" up on the register.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
10-29-08
seriously, pot will help me lose weight. i smoke instead of drinking.
you can't convince me you won't just smoke AND drink. besides, what about the munchies?
i'd probably eat that food anyway. you should come down off that damn high horse of yours and realize pot doesn't make me a horrible person. in fact, i'm better than you beer drinker.
you are out of your freaking mind -- how did this go from discussion to attack? i'm not totally against pot, but i am against being friends with a jerk.
SEE! LOOK AT THAT -- I JUST LOST 125 POUNDS!

 

by mycatdrinkswine
5-05-09
here, give me that bottle. i have to take my afternoon pills.
which one? the ginko biloba?
yep. they say it's good for something. i forget what.
memory.
... well shit. how about you forget i said that?

 

by mycatdrinkswine
2-24-10
O M G... i need a beer. any. my husband just said he wants to INSEMINATE me! which, ok, we're married and we're that age and we're rea...d...d...y? OH I NEED A BEER. i'm freaking out here.
uhhh... well, how's a bud light then? this... uh, should really be exciting then, if you want a kid... right? i mean, don't freak out... ?
yeah... i mean... uh... we got engaged at a sublime concert.... so why not conceive after a badfish concert? ya know? IS THIS BEER GOING TO HELP ME GET INSEMINATED?
.... sure.... ? and uh, good luck... ?
dude... did you hear that? she told me her husband wants to INSEMINATE HER. what the hell? i don't need to know that.
uh, yeah. i want NO part of this.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
2-25-10
and here's your beer. thanks!
some of my best friends are lesbians.
fantastic. and do you have a black friend as well?

 

by mycatdrinkswine
2-25-10
and here's your beer. thanks!
some of my best friends are lesbians.
awesome. what are their names, i probably know them.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
2-25-10
i like your shirt... i finally get the joke.
oh good. kind of takes away from it if i have to explain.
well actually, i just pretended i didn't get it so i could look at your boobs that much longer.
SECURITY!

 

by mycatdrinkswine
3-10-10
so will you totally, like, give me a FREE shot? tee hee.
are you serious? for a two dollar tip on four beers?
hahaha... i'm waiting.
i guess i'll be waiting a long time?
you could say that. and how about you go wait somewhere out of arm's reach. it's for your own good.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
3-10-10
hey, so like, my pal and i are debating if 'budgeted' is a real word?
you mean as in, "i should have 'budgeted' my money better so that i could tip the bartender instead of being a douchebag?"
i was right... it's a word.
and you're still a douchebag.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
3-15-10
i'll have a brandy.
is hennessy ok?
(At a concert featuring rap/dj artists)
THAT IS STRAIGHT *********. I AIN'T NO FUCKING RAPPER.
ah.. well, it's just that hennessy is the only cognac or brandy we have. is there something else you'd like?
i guess i'll have a tanqueray and cranberry.
a gin and juice... you've done a fine job avoiding stereotypes.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
4-26-10
i'll have a LIT.
hang on a sec -- i'm having a cup size issue.
uh...
well, i mean MY cup size is fine. it's just that the plastic cups are all mixed up.
nice.
i also mean to say that i hate myself for saying that.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
5-11-11
iiiiiii would like sex on a beach.
you mean, you would like A sex on the beach. otherwise, you just shared inappropriate personal information.
tee heeeee. i guess i want the drink. TOO. get it? tee hee.
unfortunately.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
5-11-11
six dollars? that's a lot. i think i only have six bucks left.
yeah, six dollars. same price as each of the other four beers you bought tonight..
hey, ok. well here's six. sorry i don't have any money for a tip.
that's fine.
i mean, it's only fair. i didn't tip your mom last night.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
10-20-11
i'll have one of these stoli mixed drink specials.
sure. what would you like... stoli vodka and...?
... and stoli.
try again.
i don't get it.
stoli and cranberry it is.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
10-20-11
you're using a jigger now for every pour. or you're fired. we need standards.
i've been doing this for 10 years. i can free hand an ounce and a half consistently. this is insulting.
an hour later...
how's it going?
it takes me way longer to make drinks -- some people even left the line! and the damn thing is so awkward that i've spilled two shots now.
but at least the few drinks you have sold are the same size. corporate will be pleased.
corporate won't be pleased when i mail them a jigger and tell them where they can put it.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
10-20-11
what's this stamp on my hand mean?
well... a hand stamp is for people old enough to drink. but you look under 21...
i am. security looked at my license and stamped me. see, and here's my license showing i'm under 21.
hm. well, thank you for your honesty, security really goofed. now go wash the stamp off your hand.
can i get a beer first?
the order of your inquiries further proves you're definitely 17.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
10-20-11
corporate wants you to wear this uniform shirt.
i wear a medium; that's an extra small. i'll look like a sausage.
corporate wants a clean, uniform look for the bartenders and this was the shirt ordered for you.
for fuck's sake. stuffing me a shirt two sizes too small will not be a "clean" look.
oh dude. they fucked up your shirt too?
yeah. nice belly shirt, by the way.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
12-05-11
Wow. Draft is $6. That's expensive. What's your cheapest beer?
Well, the draft IS 24 ounces, so that's like two beers. Our cheapest beer is PBR, 12 ounce can for $3. So... it's really the same.
$3, now you're talking. I'll take two PBR.
You realize that's still $6 for 24 ounces of beer.
Yeah, but I get two this way.
I'm worried by the fact that you don't seem to be joking.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
12-05-11
Note: he's pronouncing "NYEBASH" as one word that would rhyme with "eye-bash."
So what the hell does "NYEBASH" mean?
What is this in reference to?
Your sign. NYEBASH on December 31st. What's a NYEBASH? A band? What kind of music?
No. N-Y-E as in New Year's Eve. It's our New Year's Eve Bash or party, if you will.
Well that's stupid.
Stupid certainly is the key word right now.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
12-05-11
This is fucking ridiculous. Serve me. Why are you being a bitch? Isn't my money good enough for you? Certainly seemed fine earlier when I tipped you for my last order.
Like I said, you are overly intoxicated. We cut you off. Please take this water. But, here, you know what? You can also have this shot on the house. So sorry for your inconvenience.
Fuck right. That's how you treat a customer.
Yep. Enjoy. It's pretty strong so I hope that's ok.
Dude! We cut him off! What did you just give him?!
Oh, no need to worry. He's enjoying a shot of grapefruit juice, grenadine, and tonic water. I always take care of my best customers. Be glad we don't stock prune juice. That could get ugly.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
1-18-12
Did you know that anecdotal evidence suggests that being curt with customers instead of super sweet makes you more tips. Crazy, right?
Hm. That is an interesting theory for sure.
later
But... I haven't even told you what I want...
Listen, you waste of space. Hand over six bucks then take your cup of piss water and your sorry self out of my sight. I'm sick of having to deal with losers like you all night.
Dude! I said you should be curt. Not be a giant asshat.
Semantics. Tips are about the same as always, but this approach feels so freeing.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
1-18-12
Did you know that anecdotal evidence suggests that being curt with customers instead of super sweet makes you more tips. Crazy, right?
Bullshit.
but... but... but...
I SAID get your ugly mug out of my face. This job is bad enough that I don't need the added insult of having to look at you longer than it takes to pour a draft.
I hope you all have done what you can to take action against SOPA and PIPA.
Do you even know what 'curt' means?
Sure. But Wiki is down so I get to make up my own definitions today.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
1-19-12
Your new coworker suggested non-slip mats for behind the bar. It's such a great idea that we're ordering them today. Aren't you excited?!
My coworker is echoing a request I've been making for years. Why should I be excited to get something so overdue?
Good ideas like this get rewards. He got a $25 gift certificate! If you have any other ideas to improve this place, you could be rewarded too!
What the hell? Where's my $25? Maybe you should just hand out dildos so that we can literally be fucked by corporate.
So I hear you've been put on "administrative leave?"
Yeah. I like to think of it as the reward for my suggestion.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
1-20-12
I will have one Jagermeister bomb with extra vodka, a miller select, and a draft bottle of your pale lager.
I was wondering when I would be "secret-shopped" by corporate. Do you want me to pretend your order makes sense and make something up? Or are we good?
What? Sorry, I'm just really drunk. I need some beers and a shot for my pals.
Huh. I didn't realize how fine the line was between goofy corporate oversight committee members and pissy drunks.
If you can't beat them...
Oh and if you have cherry flavored peach schnapps, I'll take that with orange juice.
We're out of draft bottles. How about bottled draft? And my orange juice is pineapple flavored. Hope that's ok.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
1-20-12
I can't believe you don't have Busch beer! How can you call this a bar? What the hell am I supposed to drink now? All that other crap is tasteless.
What kind of backwoods, redneck hangout even stocks Busch?
What kind of uppity liberal, hipster venue has no inexpensive canned beer other than PBR?
Touche.
*sigh* Well... I guess I'll have a PBR then.
I think the NRA just revoked your membership.

 

by mycatdrinkswine
2-17-12
I'll have a bottle of Corona.
Sure, it'll be $6.
Six dollars! I can almost get a six pack in the grocery store for that much!
You're not in a grocery store.
Well no shit. But you get what I mean.
You're cheap?

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