All comics by wirthling

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by wirthling
2-09-01
Your muffins or your life!
Yikes!
YOUR MUFFINS OR YOUR LIFE!
I gotta get outta this creepy graveyard!
Oh, crap! Let me guess - my muffins or my life?
What would I do with a muffin, Einstein?

 

by wirthling
2-09-01
What the heck is this comic contest all about anyway?
The comic contest #1 guidelines can be found at http://www.lowpass.net/forums/showpost.php3?postnum=3554&forum=7
You have until 12 noon EST on Sunday 2/11 to submit your entry (only 1 per person, please)...
For comic contest #1, you MUST use the graveyard background and you can include any pose of Phillip...
and/or any pose of the bug...
What can you win? Diddlysquat! Except, that is, bragging rights and the job of defining and judging the next comic contest...
...and ONE instance only of EITHER the ghost or the skeleton...title the comic "Comic Contest #1"...
ALL YOUR FIRST PLACE ARE MINE!

 

by wirthling
2-09-01
Some people apparently mistake the use of a comic device for a particular viewpoint on the part of the artist...
...despite the fact that there isn't enough room in these dialogue bubbles to make clear one's views...
Like when a person points out the inconsistent logic of a Supreme Court decision and then gets tarred as a partisan liberal for saying it while using conservative caricatures...
Or gets pegged as a democratic apologist for questioning the assertion that a state supreme court is always tainted if it is comprised only of members picked by one party...
This artist, for one, agrees that both parties are rife with corruption and rote political skulduggery...Even an independent thinker can smell Scalia's stink, though...
THIS SPACE FOR RENT

 

by wirthling
2-09-01
Oh, so he wants to call me out, eh? I'll fix his wagon! My foot'll be so far up his ass he'll be spitting out shoelaces! I'll mess that fool up if he shows his face 'round here, let me tell ya!
Oh, crap! He's here! I'm a dead man...
So, is it go time?
Mommy!

 

by wirthling
2-11-01
Our spaceship is dangerously low on fuel. What will we do?
Maybe this planet has a goat that we can convert into fuel with our Ronco® Amazing Goat-a-Matic Transmorphinator...
moo

 

by wirthling
2-12-01
Hey! Look at that cute, little squirrel! Hey there, little fella!
*chitter* *chitter*
I love nature, man...
Kill! Kill! Kill!
Am I just paranoid or did that squirrel really just say, "Kill! Kill! Kill!"
*chitter* *chitter*

 

by wirthling
2-12-01
Oogah! Boogah! Iki iki iki! Bonano nonano! Iki iki iki! Bonano nonano!
Eh?
Ahem...Oogah! Boogah! Iki iki iki! Bonano nonano! Iki iki iki! Bonano nonano!
Um, do you speak english?
Oh, terribly sorry, yes, I do. Let me rephrase... Oogah! Boogah! Iki iki iki! Bonano nonano! Iki iki iki! Bonano nonano!

 

by wirthling
2-12-01
I've been standing here perfectly still like a mannequin for an hour! Aren't you going to put some money in my cup?!
I've been sitting here perfectly still all day, and I ain't asking you for a hand-out... I got 2 words for you: unemployment office...

 

by wirthling
2-13-01
Hey there, miss, would you like to meet my little friend? He's warm and furry...
Back off, psycho!
Would you like to meet my little friend? He just wants to sit on your lap while you stroke him and scratch him behind the ears...
Ugh! Stay away from me, weirdo!
Is it my breath?
I dunno, little friend... Sorry, I tried...

 

by wirthling
2-13-01
Here are the rules for Comic Contest #3...
Use any "Gabe" from "kofightclub" or "pennyarcade." You must use Gabe at least once in the cartoon.
Title your comic "Comic Contest #3." You can add an alternate title after that, such as "Comic Contest #3 - wirthling is god!"
You can also include "clango" or "redrobot" from "dieselsweeties," but you don't have to use either of them.
You may not use any props. Use any background you want.
I will pick a "winner" at 7pm EST on Thursday 2/15...
Oh, and one of your characters has to mention a vegetable, such as "broccoli," and someone has to say (or words to the effect), "I got 2 words for you:"...You pick the 2 words...
Oh, crap, ObiJo! What have you done to us?!

 

by wirthling
2-16-01
My fever produced strange dreams...I had visions of a comic contest...Phillip and a ghost were there...
How 'bout a cupcake, hideous specter?
No thanks...sweets are bad for my complexion...by the way, have you seen my skin lying around here anywhere?
...and a robot and Toothgnip were there, too...
The sky is falling!
And it can't get up! Ba dum dum...
...and just when I thought it was beginning to make sense, the 3rd panel came along...
I knew I had no punchline...and that's when I knew we'd need the wooden badger...
Well, rutabaga brain, I got two words for you: Dis Qualified...

 

by wirthling
2-18-01
Wow! What happened to your lip, man?
You won't believe who did it -- I was at Burger King getting lunch, and I realized that the guy working behind the counter was none other than Vanilla Ice!
THE Vanilla Ice? Rob Van Winkle? Working at Burger King? Ha ha. And he punched you?! Why?
He wasn't amused when I came back to complain that my Pepsi didn't have enough "ice ice baby"...
The fat lip was worth it, though, eh?
Word to your mother, homeboy!

 

by wirthling
2-18-01
Slapdangle Fishnut?
Um, no...
Jiffypop Assbasket? Snagglefop Tinkleberg? Bananarama Dingdong? Bungnugget Pootpuddle?
No, no, no, and NO!
Rimjobula Douchebaggot?
Oh God, NO! I know that having the father name the baby is a tradition in your family, Spankwoody, but some traditions are meant to be broken...

 

by wirthling
2-19-01
Oh boy! According to this email, Microsoft will pay me $500 for every copy of this email that I forward to someone else! Can't hurt to try!
Oh gosh! I could use the money. I'll forward this to everyone I know. Roger's right - it can't hurt to try!
I hate you people so much it hurts...

 

by wirthling
2-19-01
Hey! All of these email messages shouldn't have come to me! I better "reply to all" to tell these morons to stop hitting "reply to all"!
Why is this jerk telling me to quit hitting "reply to all"? He's just perpetuating this mess by doing that! I better "reply to all" and tell everybody to stop replying to the replies to the replies...
If I weren't so mad to the point of considering multiple homicide, I might find the irony amusing...

 

by wirthling
2-20-01
Boy am I glad to get off that stinkin' planet!
Yeah, there's nothing like a nice, cool spaceship after a long, hot day of mutilating cattle and making crop circles...
How can the humans stand that heat?! My eyes were sweating!
The global warming is making it even worse. I'd rather eat a rotting Zprrapwonk than go back to Houston or Tampa, I tell ya!
Well, you know what they say about that hot earth weather and global warming...
Yeah, it's not the heat, it's the humanity...

 

by wirthling
2-21-01
Oh, look, honey. There's Ganymede AGAIN! For cryin' out loud, pull the spaceship over and --
No! I am NOT going to stop and ask for directions! I know EXACTLY where we are, I think...
You don't know Uranus from a hole in the ground, dear...

 

by wirthling
2-22-01
OK, here are some real gifts. From me, the Victoria's Secret Catalog...
Pages 12 - 19 were missing when I borrowed it from you, I swear!
This isn'y my Victoria's Secret Catalog! This is a Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes announcement addressed to bunnerabb...
The Low Pass cast pitched in, too...
I grant you the gift of eternal life with our heavenly father...
Aw man, that's the same thing you give everybody! Can we hurry up and get to my gift from the "When I Grow Up" hooker?
We all felt really bad for you when we found out you were Canadian, so we decided to give you a REAL military, too...
All our base are belong to you!
Oh boy! Now I can nuke the hell out of Cleveland! Whoopeeee!

 

by wirthling
2-23-01
So, you say you had a frontal lobotomy?
Bingo.
Do you think you can put words and punctuation into a dialog box?
Why not.
Low Pass isn't too picky. Job's yours! You can start today. Congratulations, Mr. Billings!
Groovy. What's my salary?

 

by wirthling
2-25-01
Zie treiben ca lis draven cinqa y bå ciel dun ict vay... Käer bïs vul y bulder crajkavik...
Bå rulvag simchek, zif ce bruben hava criest cha dun ca ti valäevel ict spract!
That isn't a real language you're speaking, is it, Roger?
No.

 

by wirthling
2-26-01
Hey there, my boy! What day is it?
I ain't your 'boy"! And it's Christmas Day, you senile old coot!
Excellent, my boy! I want you to go down to the corner market and tell them to bring me their biggest turkey!
Stop calling me "boy," Gramps! And this ain't a plantation - go get your own damn turkey, you turkey!
Do it quickly, my boy, and I'll give you a shilling!
A shilling?! This crazy-ass cracker be trippin'...

 

by wirthling
3-01-01
It says, "Ve velcome your comments and ve look forvard to undoing the vrongs of the previous administration ..."
"... Ve vill do vhat ve can to remove unvarranted regulations. Signed, President George V. Bush"
So, are they going to repeal the danged Democrat-sponsored Walut Registration Act or not? And what's with all the vees?
Vait 'til I get my hands on the criminables vho stole the dubya keys from the Vhite House keyboards!
It's too late, Mr. President - Slick Villie already pardoned them...

 

by wirthling
3-02-01
President Bush announces his advocacy of "faith-based" government programs...
We need to start enhancelating the abilitibly of charitabubble organimazations to help the poor, so we can get the gubmint outta the welfare businemps...
Meanwhile, at the Christian Coalition headquarters...
Help the poor? If I had known he wanted to help the god-damned poor, I wouldn't have let him sodomize me during the campaign!
That's fascinating, Mr. Robertson, but are you going to pay me now or do I have to call Tyrone?
*sigh* Even I am starting not to believe in me...

 

by wirthling
3-03-01
It's a little-known fact that the Seminoles actually invented the postage stamp back in --
It's a well-known fact that if you do not shut up, I will kill you! If you had a spine, I'd rip it out and beat you with it...
Duly noted!
Hey, Woody, why do you suppose Carla always has to be so antagonistic?
Gosh, Mr. Claven! I always thought she was Catholic!

 

by wirthling
3-09-01
Stupid people are so stupid! Ha ha! Right, Kevin? ... You're so right, Jay! Ha ha! -- *click* Call Cleo now for your free tarot reading! -- *click*
This product is great! Where can I order some -- *click* And now back to Death Wish 12 -- *click* my hemmorhoids -- *click* let Jesus -- *click* Popeet! -- *click*
Shazam! -- *click* no money down! -- *click* my videotapes will show -- *click* classic 70s hits -- *click* great abs -- *click*
Thank god for heroin...

 

by wirthling
3-16-01
Hello, kids! I'm Dr. Pedantic and I'm here to talk about kidneys and bladders! Yay! Are ya ready? Well, ARE YA?!
Ummmm, OK...
Kidneys act as blood filters and regulate electrolyte levels. They DO NOT in fact have any effect on urine retention capacity. That would be a function of the bladder.
That's, um, fascinating...
So adding a 3rd kidney would not allow one to pee much longer than the average person... Uh, where'd ya go, little girl? ... *sigh* ... Nobody likes Dr. Pedantic...

 

by wirthling
3-19-01
Whaaaaaazzzzzuuuuup?!
Shut up, dude! I hate when you do that. Don't you ever have anything original to say?
Cowabunga! Don't have a cow, man!
See, that's what I'm talking about. You watch too much TV. You won't catch ME parroting that pop crap!
Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Screw you guys, I'm goin' home...

 

by wirthling
3-21-01
My name's Gabe Billings; I am a colossal geek; Low Pass is my home.
Gabey, I miss you!; We haven't had sex for weeks; Do you still love me?
Statistics don't lie; I make more comics than God; This is my purpose.
We can't pay the bills; They've shut off our water and; the dog is on fire!
No time to sleep now; The magic number awaits; - one hundred thousand!
I want a divorce; I have found another man; His name's ObiJo.

 

by wirthling
3-24-01
Introducing...the Chang Sextuplets!
We...
...are...
...here...
...to...
...say...
Bite me, ObiJo!

 

by wirthling
3-26-01
Behold the wonder of science! Presenting...
...the Cthulephant!
No, no, no - it's the Elephthulhu!
So whaddaya think?
I think wirthling should get his head out of his ass and start following the contest rules...

 

by wirthling
3-26-01
And the Grammy for Best Pop Album goes to...
Steely Dan? Really? (Maybe I should check the postmark on this envelope)
I'd like to thank my gerontologist, Dr. Sydney Schwartzbaum...
Thanks also to the folks at Depends and Polygrip... Woohoo! We w -- Ow! Damn! Broke my hip. Maybe the high five wasn't such a hot idea...

 

by wirthling
3-29-01
Dear Emeril: We at Boorite, Inc. thought you might spice up your show with these variations on your slogan, "We're gonna kick it up a notch. BAM!"
We're gonna dress it up all pretty and make it our bitch! BOO-YAH!
Let's eat it, projectile vomit it on the wall, and call it art! SPLORF!
We're gonna rub it on my doodads and see who wants a taste! SATCHMO!
Get jiggy wid it, you funky cheesebag! OY VEH!
Take that, you pathetic, nagging bitch! I HATE YOU, MOMMY!
Let's touch it in its special place like uncle Jimmy used to do! FAHRVERGNUGGEN!

 

by wirthling
3-29-01
More variations on Emeril Lagasse's catch-phrase, "We're gonna kick it up a notch. BAM!"
Let's turn up Lagasse on this Jewish holocaust of flavor! HEIL HITLER!
We're gonna take this -- Whoa. What did you just say?
I said, "Let's turn up Lagasse on this Jewish holocaust of flavor! HEIL HITLER!" Why?
What?!

 

by wirthling
3-31-01
I've just had 13 jell-o shots followed up with 4 Shiner Bocks and am totally shit-faced. What are you thinking right now?
I'm wondering what a whore like you would look like without skin...
If you could be any part of an automobile, what part would you be and why?
I think I'd be the steering wheel, so I could make the car veer off the road and run over whores like you...
What is your idea of the perfect date with me?
It starts off with you asking me stupid questions like these. Next, I beat you to death with a baseball bat. That's what a whore like you deserves...

 

by wirthling
4-01-01
Romance blooms between Mary and Robert Downey, Jr. ...
Robert, I thought you had cleaned yourself up. I thought you were done with drugs.
I am ashamed of myself, but I think I can recover this time with your help, Mary.
Just what I need -- another co-dependent relationship. I just got done with Bob and his Viagra addiction. I swear, if I have to hear, "Bob Dole's horny again!" one more time...
But I can change! Really, I can! Hang on a sec while I smoke this magic bean...
Poof!
Um, is this really a change for the better?
It is, I swear it. You'll see. Just put on this Red Robot costume and I'll show you...

 

by wirthling
4-05-01

 

by wirthling
4-05-01
Hey, what's wrong, Oedipus?
I just found out that I killed my father and married my mother. When my wife/mother found out, she hanged herself. I was so distraught that I cut off my own skin flute...
Damn. That sucks.
Tell me about it. I took a handful of Prozac and I'm still bummed big-time...
My deepest condolences about your parents...
To hell with my parents! I gotta find my tallywhacker before a hungry dog or bird finds it! Help me look, damn it!

 

by wirthling
4-06-01
Right! We here at Lowpass would like to apologize for the very poor quality of the Comic Contest XX rules. We also would like to apologize for the poor quality of this particular comic strip.
I would like to apologize for the other clown's apology. Clearly, he cannot know the quality of this comic strip until it has been completed. Please disregard his apology, the poor loony bastard.
I would like to apologize for the preceding panel. Obviously, there was a rather appalling lack of humor in it. And now for your entertainment, I will fart Beethoven's 9th symphony...
STOP! Stop this comic strip! This is getting entirely too silly!

 

by wirthling
4-10-01
How's your SimBot project coming along, Doc?
I just loaded the artificial intelligence software into the prototype models. Behold!
...still, I cannot conceive of an auteur with a more robust command of mise-en-scène than Pasolini. The post-modern lexicon owes a debt to his genius.
Yes, yes, yes! His skill at realizing the cultural subtext of the mid-century european zeitgiest through visual metaphor was truly prodigious...
I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't want to own one of these things.
Really? Is the gray too drab? I could make them red...

 

by wirthling
4-11-01
In the super-secret Low Pass Elite Club Cave...
So, you wanna join the Low Pass Elite Club, eh? Are you prepared for the initiation rite?
I'm ready! Give me your best shot!
You thought we were gonna fight? Ha! It ain't that easy. Go get'm, Red Robot!
One anal rape later...
Dang! I'm gonna dismantle that thing if I get the chance! Now that I'm in, tell me the Low Pass Elite Club secrets...
Secrets?

 

by wirthling
4-12-01
Hi, I'm "Captain Obvious," and my talent is pointing out things that are completely obvious, like I did just now.
I'm "Mr. Oblivious." I have no idea why they call me that. By the way, has anyone seen my hammer?
My name is "Obseqious Oscar" and all I do is kiss ass. But that job's pretty easy, 'cause everybody here is super-swell!
That should have been spelled "Obsequious," my boy. I'm "Dr. Pedantic" and I am obsessed with small details and correcting other people's errors.
I'm "Andy Antagonist." I am here to aggravate people. If you don't like it, bite me.
I'm a character that hasn't been named yet. All I can say for sure is that Gabe Billings is a turdburglar.

 

by wirthling
4-18-01
I can't believe how much it has been raining.
You knew Seattle would be like this. You can't say nobody warned you.
Oh crap. The water level is rising. I will soon be submerged, no doubt.
How does this make you feel?
Doused. Very doused.
Thank goodness I can use my giant nutsack as a floatation device.

 

by wirthling
4-23-01
As you may have heard, wirthling has been shanghaied by a whitetrash-supremacist militia while vacationing in Idaho.
According to this press release from the Independent Nation of Honkeytopia, wirthling is their new leader and has revised their agenda...
more
sodomy

 

by wirthling
4-28-01
I was young and pretty once...
You're still young and pretty to me, darlin'. Let's do it! Yeehaw!
Don't you think that bit of dialog and the bestiality theme are a bit clichéd?
By golly, post-modern irony gets me all hot and bothered like a spring filly in heat! Saddle up, baby! Hoooo-wheeee!
Meanwhile, in the third panel of this comic strip...
Wow. That was a horribly awkward segue...
TOBOR KILLED CHARACTER WHO SAY PUNCHLINE FOR THIS COMIC! TOBOR VERY SORRY!

 

by wirthling
5-01-01
...but if conscious expression is bound by the limitations of language, the extrication of internal meaning by words is like attempting in vain to squeeze the last bit of toothpaste from the tube...
...or perhaps it is more apropos to liken our verbal instantiations as mere confetti left over from the parade of our essential thoughts, or maybe the conceptual monad is only true within itself...
...but others aver that the interstice between an objectified mental concept and its simplest morphemic instance may be rather infinitessimal, and this verisimilitude between --
Look, college boy - I didn't come to Starbucks for pretentious blather. Just make me a damn Caramel Macchiatto, for cryin' out loud!

 

by wirthling
5-04-01
I am here to make a statement on behalf of the Robot Antidefamation League...
We robots are not all maniacal killing machines who are out to "cornhole" the world. We at the RAL greatly resent how comics here depict --
RAAAR! TABOR WILL - Hey, did I come at a bad time?
Damn you, Tobor!

 

by wirthling
5-08-01
BAM GET GAY BABES IN BATH!
Say what?!
YES! BAM BANG A TIGHT BABE!
Oh yeah. I've heard of you. You're Bam, the Axe-Wielding New Year Squirrel Who Is Obsessed With Porn And Only Speaks In Anagrams Of The Phrase "Gabba Gabba Hey Smitten," aren't you?
I wasn't sure why everyone hated wirthling until he submitted this comic. This sucks harder than Prince Edward at a Pet Shop Boys concert!

 

by wirthling
5-11-01
Troy, 20 years old...
What's wrong with the world today?
People are too cynical. It's better to light a candle than to damn the darkness. Oh, and Ecstacy is too expensive...
Jim, 50 years old...
What's wrong with the world today?
People are too naive. All the liberal hippies can prance back to Woodstock for all I care! Oh, and Viagra is too expensive...
Edgar, 80 years old...
What's wrong with the world today?
Oopsy! I just made doody in my drawers!

 

by wirthling
5-11-01
What skills do you have, Mr. Tobor?
RAAAR!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!! ALSO, I AM PROFICIENT AT MICROSOFT OFFICE AND TYPE 83 WORDS PER MINUTE!
Um, what was that cornholing part again?
RAAAR!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!
Congratulations, Mr. Tobor! I think you'll fit right in as a manager here!
EXCELLENT! CAN I HAVETHE CORNER CORNHOLING CHAMBER?

 

by wirthling
5-17-01
Love is one of nature's miracles, especially when it is between members of different species...
Love is quite disturbing...
Love is a battlefield, and passion is a giant axe with which to hack up the bodies of my lovers...
Love is rather painful...Ouch...
Love is currently not reproducible by means of man-made integrated circuitry and memory storage devices...
But I love you, you big bucket of desirable bolts...

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