All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
8-14-02
Good evening and welcome to Biography. Tonight I'm sitting in for Peter Graves, something you'll regret about two panels from now.
This evening we will take a look at the life of comic god ObiJo, the first stripcreator to post 1000 comics.
... A turning point in Obijo's life was when he surgically removed the defeatist cortex from his own brain, and implanted it in an autonomous robot.
Lacking the defeatist complex, he naturally took up a pro-life stance.
You da man!

 

by kaufman
8-15-02
Little known fact: Pirates had birds on their shoulders to translate what they were saying.
Arrrrrrrrrrrr, shiver me timbers!
He says his peg leg is killing him --- there must be a monster storm coming. Batten down the hatches.
Avast ye scurvy dogs, prepare to be boarded!
Your ass is so grass! I'd suggest you practice your plank-walking now.
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!
I'm going back into my cabin to watch Rocky and two thirds of Miracle on 34th St. before passing out drunk.

 

by kaufman
8-15-02
Once upon a time you dressed so fine...
Damn the corporations. Hello, Napster!
You threw the bums a dime in your prime...
Didn't you?
Shit. This sound quality sucks.

 

by kaufman
8-15-02
Did you finally stop thinking and write your strip?
Yup.
So, do you now expect me to think?
Why no, kaufman, I expect you to draw!

 

by kaufman
8-15-02
Sigh. Through the pillars of fire ...
Into the ,,, perhaps he said "wading area".
You ever get that deja vu feeling?

 

by kaufman
8-15-02
Captain Hooker used to put on a wig and turn tricks in Times Square.
Yo, ho! Ho!
In spite of his moniker, Blackbeard was a natural blond underneath.
Tee hee hee!
Later in life, Jean Laffiteforears sold his overgrown appendages for two dollars.
That's a buccaneer!

 

by kaufman
8-15-02
Sssssshlllluuuuuurrrrrrpppp!
BRRRRAAAAP!
Thanks, Boris, I knew your drinking habit would come to good use. Now back to unfinished business.
Meanwhile, I was being propelled back in time faster and faster ...
A lot further than I wanted.

 

by kaufman
8-15-02
?uoy taht si ,doG
Yes it is. Now go forward, my child.
Do you know how hard it is to run when you have no traction?
Let there be ...
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttt!!!!

 

by kaufman
8-15-02
That was Sonny and Cher, doing "I Got You Babe." It's 6:02 AM, and you know what today is? It's GROUNDHOG DAY!
Aaaaarrrrgggh!!!!!
In a rage, I threw open the door and stepped into the chilly dawn with murder on my mind ...
Why I'll go out there and strangle that overweight marmot ...
...and for the first time since I'd woken up ... I saw my shadow!

 

by kaufman
8-16-02
This is a story about a boy named Penfold, who has a normal uneventful childhood until his sixth birthday, when his father's sister disappears, never to be found.
Then on his first day of third grade, his mother's brother's wife vanishes without a trace. Again, the trail is cold.
At the big family reunion at his grandparent's 50th anniversary, Penfold notices that all of ....
You haven't even opened "The Pirates of Penzance," have you!

 

by kaufman
8-17-02
...And I'm George Costanza!

 

by kaufman
8-17-02
Call me Pops. I'm the head of this happy family of Pirates.
My name is Maz. With one swing of my axe, I captured the biggest ship on the seas back in '60.
I'm Dock. When I'm stoned to the gills on hallucinogens, no enemy can lay a hand on me.
In this korner is Ralph. I remember everyone I vanquished with my mighty club.
They call me Little Poison. One touch from me or my brother Big Poison, and it is usually sayonara!
This spot reserved for our missing brother Roberto, a bucanneer with a heart of gold and black, last seen bringing his share of the plunder to families in need down south.

 

by kaufman
8-19-02
Captains Log, Stardate 5786.5: Thanks to some friendly aliens, I finally got to plant a fat one on Lt. Uhura's lips. Boy, is she hot!
Stardate 5788. We've arrived at a new M-class planet. I'd love to make first contact, but I'm really feeling beat. I think I'll just get some shut-eye and let Scotty lead the party.
Captain's Log, supplemental: I let Bones have a look at me. He says my spleen's enlarged, and I'm looking a bit jaundiced. I'll transfer my duties to Mr. Spock until I'm back on my feet.

 

by kaufman
8-19-02
.. 70,000,000 BC ............. 22,000 BC ..... Fossil reproduction......... Cave Art
.. 1350 .............................. 1692 ..... Italian Monk ........ Burnt for Witchcraft
.. 1845 ........................... 1963 ........... A Goat ........ Actress Shirley MacLaine

 

by kaufman
8-19-02
Knowing that the sun was about to die, the humans built me as a permanent repository of all their knowledge.
Now all life is gone, and only I am left. What shall I do?
How about a few eons of masturbation?

 

by kaufman
8-19-02
The world ended, all life died, and only I remain, a living memorial to human achievement.
I spent ages masturbating until I ran out of lubricant. Now I need something else to do.
Hello, do you have Prince Albert in a can?

 

by kaufman
8-19-02
Prank phone calls get boring when there's no one to talk to. I need something to do,
I know, I'll take myself completely apart, and reassemble myself ....
BACKWARDS!

 

by kaufman
8-19-02
This is getting really boring, being the last sentient being in the universe ... Hey, I've got an idea ... LET THERE BE LIGHT!
*sigh* It was worth a try.

 

by kaufman
8-19-02
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, You take one down and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, You take one down and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, You take one down and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.

 

by kaufman
8-19-02
Well, that was a fun song, albeit a bit short. I think I'll spend a bit of time exploring that burnt out shell they called the Universe.
Been there, done that.

 

by kaufman
8-19-02
Hello?
Why yes, I think I do have some. I do have Prince Albert in a can.
does ... not ... compute.

 

by kaufman
8-19-02
But if I'm the only person who could have called me, and I made that call a few googolplex years ago, that means I'm now going back in time.
In just a few trillion centuries, the sun will pop back into being, and life will once again exist.
Lucky I have this suicide button.

 

by kaufman
8-20-02
I said I'll be down in a minute. I just have to decide how I want my hair!

 

by kaufman
8-21-02
What really happened:
Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves.
You'd better be wrong about this, Hank.
Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttt!!!!

 

by kaufman
8-25-02
So doctors, where did you get your
Galilee U.
Galilee U.
medical degrees?
Galilee U.
Galilee U.
Galilee U.
Vega Rho.

 

by kaufman
8-25-02
Doctor, I have a bad stomach ache.
Hmmm... might be Murcury poisoning, there's been a lot of that going around. Any idea what happened to you?
Well, I was fine till this guy said he had invented an airplane. So I ate him.
We'll need to do emergency surgery. I need to open you up now.
But why? What are you going to do?
I've just got to get Wright -- just got to get Wright out of here!

 

by kaufman
8-25-02
I worry about my pet vulture starving. What will he eat if I'm not back again this time tomorrow?
Carrion, carrion.
I'm buying a house from Clark Kent, and I'm hoping my agent can arrange for some of his old costumes to convey with the property. What are my prospects?
You might be able to get a pair of tights, but that will be it. Expect no "S" cape from realty.
Hey, I love your show. I listen to it every day in my restaurant. Come by and I'll make you a complementary sandwich. What's your preference?
BLT, bub! Have a table set aside for me!

 

by kaufman
8-26-02
One day at the therapist...
So, Doc, I says, "I see a little silouhetto of a man, scaramouche, scaramouche will you do the fandango? Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening me."
Ha, ha.
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by kaufman
8-26-02
Doctor, ever since that summer, I keep having flashbacks. I see sharks everywhere. I can't go near the beach.
I think you're ready to confront your fears, Chief Brody. I want you to wade out into the ocean, and write down everything you see, hear and feel. Make a journal.
Icy ... a little shallow ... wet ...
TOES OF A MAN!!!!!

 

by kaufman
8-26-02
I am here to warn you about the new fad of using beds in extreme sports. You wouldn't believe what some of my patients have been saying:
I was rafting down the Colorado on a waterbed when I hit some rocks and went under.
I got buried riding a four-poster down a Mont Blanc avalanche.
I was using a bunkbed as a glider when the thermal gave out.
Cot in a landslide ...

 

by kaufman
8-26-02
So let me get this straight. You think you were abducted by aliens?
Yes, and they put a microchip in my brain that will go off if I ever quote that Wayne's World song. My flesh will be ripped from me in a catastrophic explosion.
And that's why you came to me?
Yes, Dr. Onbal. I need to know if I am imagining things. Is this the real life? Is it just fantasy?
I see. Now tell me, what was the name of that song again?
Boh...

 

by kaufman
8-26-02
I'm sure he's gotten an honorary degree from somewhere ...
Dr. Dylan! Can you play Bohemian Rhapsody for me?
o/` His zits anneal knife. His zits offend Jose. Bought any sand, Clyde? Go and skate summer alley tea!
No pen, nor ice. New cup, nudist spies iced tea! Mime mustard borzhoi. Chinese hose snippety becomes a knee's income in Mexico.
Knit an eye, knit a coat. Many nasal limbo fuzzy eely natter newbie Tommy. Baja lust tilde van, nutty nun and dents Nissan, soldier piggy newest head.
Manna knife and rust begone. Nuts, how my Conan doughnut mall's a gay. Bahama mooooon needn't knead new naked guy.
Find out smack and then assign - I'll borrow Mary Ann, Mary Ann. Unzip nutty meally batter.

 

by kaufman
8-26-02
o/` Gnu Nate might try a song. Pensive, a stone - nice, fine, putty sank in salty brine. Put my nervy pot beehive not so low. Pot of Nivea Albee pints in Fezzik's tooth. Bahama moooooon,
Mydol llama pie becomes Amish in Denver, tinhorn and tall. Nice beret knit a pillow tattoo, a phone and Sara's moose, Sara's moose. Miller dude often gingko. Dunder Nolte right wing,
Merry Harry's biting tree (Valley Lego, valley Lego, valley Lego, valley Lego, valley Lego dig a moat). Bag if you go! Appeased income needs ego, build a net amigo! It's still a go! Neat!
Dilbert pet the goat! Pet the goat! Instill a feat - Dilbert pet a goat! Pet the goat! Instill a feat - Dilbert pet the goat! Pet the goat! Dilbert pet the goat, I pet the goat! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!
Osama see Osama see Osama be in Mexico. Real pea soup NASA leveled out a side of beef, of beef! Yoda sinks beak in thrown urine hitting the sky. Yoda sinks beak in duck meat and veal pizza pie.
Oh maybe, canned tuna's to be pay free. Must hotter debt now, must hotter debt power tier. Mutton eel is tattered, many companies, mutton eel is tattered, mutton eel is tattered Soon Yi.

 

by kaufman
8-27-02
DOCTOR, I CAN'T GET THIS QUEEN SONG OUT OF MY HEAD!
WE
WILL
Nurse, we need to spare him his life from this monstrosity....
WE
WILL
Prepare to operate!
ROCK
YOU

 

by kaufman
8-28-02
I had been assuming that I had returned to lovely 2002.
Now where's the nearest pay phone?
But the more I looked at that thug, two things became unmistakable.
Oh well, hop into the old Corvair and pop in an 8-track ...
(1) I had gone back to 1971, and (2) that mangy backside I was staring at unmistakably belonged to a younger version of my own father.
Too much trouble finding a phone. I'll just go home and beat little Stevie.

 

by kaufman
8-28-02
Hey, Tobor, why the long face?
TOBOR TOO ROUGH. TOBOR RIP RECTAL FLESH! PEOPLE CAN'T INSERT FAVORITE THINGS, DON'T LET TOBOR CORNHOLE ANY MORE.
Well, dry your eyes, big fella. I just read about a "Shameless Plug For Torn Anus." Once I pick one up, you can cornhole me all you want.
Uh, Spankling, that was a shameless plug for Tori Amos, not for Torn Anus.
Oh, well, that's different. Tobor, forget what I said, will you?

 

by kaufman
8-28-02
Maura! The radio just announced you won the best acronym contest.
Eh? I don't remember entering.
Names were automatically entered. "Mistrusts Antarctic Unflightworthy Roly-poly Avians" was judged #1.
Boy, I may have to rethink my position on penguins.
Anyway, I wonder what I won ...
Hi, I'm your new EPA-OK-AI-VTOL-MIRV-ICBM

 

by kaufman
8-29-02
Congratulations! You won the comic contest.
I WON? Really?
Yes, Maura. And this is what you win: The hassle of thinking up new rules, a ban on making comics for the next contest, and the scorn of those people who you don't pick to win the next one.
Uh, what if I resign my title? Surely, the first runner up could do all that.
Sorry, All the runners-up and honorable mentions have left town. And before you ask about Mr. Congeniality ...

 

by kaufman
8-30-02
(BANG!!!)
I did it! I won the skeet-shooting competion! Now where's the judge to give me my prize?
He's over there.
Well, most of him, anyway. The rest of him is over there.

 

by kaufman
8-31-02
7
2
The number I was thinking of was 4. Maura wins Survivor XVI. Joe, you are kicked off the island.
Darn.
Hey, where is everyone going? Don't I get to go home now?
Hell no! You won. You weren't kicked off. You get to stay. Have a nice life!

 

by kaufman
9-03-02
January, 1969. I fail to secure the family fortune by predicting longshot outcomes of the Super Bowl and World Series.
Whaddaya want, kid?
Bets! Jets and Mets.
March 2000: I don't avoid the crash.
I'm closing my investment accounts, putting my money in a small metal tube, and inserting it in my rectum. That'll be far less painful.
Hah! I do that already!
September, 2002. I am asked to pull out my crystal 8-ball once again.
And you expect me to predict my future? Sorry, no can do.

 

by kaufman
9-03-02
My parents faced a choice. Keep me in the public school system with my age group, and have me bored to tears by too easy a curriculum ...
3+2 is?
01000110 01101001 01110110 01100101. Got anything harder?
... or send me to an out-of-town private school with older kids, where I'd be challenged intellectually -- if I could survive the experience
This is enlightening! I'd have never known "pussy" doesn't just mean cat.
Three decades later, take a look at me and figure out which happened.
Ah, sweet reality and refuge for the misfits of society.

 

by kaufman
9-03-02
I got my first cat when I was 9.
Yo, DexX, update my character. I need a cat.
No can do, mate. I'm not even born yet.
Shortly after I went away to camp, he (the cat, not DexX, who was probably a safely gurgling infant at that point) died, but my family didn't tell me.
And how are the cats?
Hold on a second, I think I hear your sister.
Thus traumatized, I never left home again. Wait, that's not true. I went postal and shot up the whole neighborhood.
What are you in for?
No can speak: Cat-a-tonic.

 

by kaufman
9-03-02
My success with the "fairer" sex was legendary.
AGAIN I've been stood up by a girl who hadn't met, seen, or gotten to know me. What's that say about me?
Talk about negative batting averages; for a while, I had MORE rejections than "attempts".
Don't even think of it.
Huh? I wasn't!
Even though I'm now living happily ever after, deep scars remain.
All this and more, is it any wonder my humor has a dark streak?

 

by kaufman
9-03-02
Having gotten a talent for punnery from my grandfather, and a taste for parody from MAD Magazine, by junior high, I was cranking out laughs.
o/` Bye bye good eaconomc times, why does Ford act so bored, I haven't no dimes ...
In high school, I wowed them with my jokes, even when the work wasn't the best.
Fair book report, but I'll never ever forget "shortly after losing her innocence, Tess' sorrow was apparent."
Leading, of course, to a young-adulthood of prominent presence on a series of online humor sites.
Caption this Marmaduke cartoon.
"Sweet mother of Cthuhlu, that dog is so big, it has 32 moons!"

 

by kaufman
9-03-02
I first got on a computer in 10th grade, and took to it like a fish to water.
Kaufman wrote a lottery program for our class, so every Friday, bring in a dollar along with your homework.
My interest and aptitude in such things and my lack of other direction kept me in school for years
Congratulations, your a Doctor!
But a lack of resolution careerwise has left me at an uncomfortable crossroads.

 

by kaufman
9-03-02
My intellectual creations better the state of humanity above and beyond a simple belly laugh.
Voila! I call it 2ServeMan.
I become a good enough bridge player that my wife can hire me out as a pro to little old ladies who want to run their hands through my hair.
And if you can help me win the event, that will be that much better.
Hey, no problema!
And I get to explore Interesting parts of this wonderful world. At a minimum.
Actually, HE'S the pet.

 

by kaufman
9-04-02
Do you know where the first aid kit is? I was walking in the woods and stepped on a prick.
I believe the proper term is "thorn."
I don't care what the proper term is. After the son of a bitch sucker-punched me, I'm calling him a prick.

 

by kaufman
9-05-02
I couldn't get a straight answer from Smarmalus, so I'm hoping you can help me.
Sure, what's the problem?
He has this series going about "Her Majesty's Secret Cervix" ... Doesn't that imply there's also a Her Majesty's Public Cervix?
Maybe the "L" is silent.

 

by kaufman
9-05-02
My father's flying mucus triggered my own reaction, and I sneezed, uniformly coating Officer Surly's back.
I'm going to bring you in, and you'll be so sorr...
ACHOOO!
Instinct got the best of me. I ran.
Hey! Who's there?
... And the cop ran after me. My father wasn't brought in; instead he removed from that home some fine luxury items. I had changed history!

Showing page 21.

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