All comics by Scyess

Profile

 

by Scyess
2-23-05
Do you really never get the desire to denounce it all, rip off all your clothes and worldly posessions, and frolic naked and free through the park?
No!
If you ever do, can you give me some advance warning so I can charge the camcorder?
I'll make a mental note.

 

by Scyess
2-25-05
What do you consider the greatest tragedy of our time?
Dude. Wanna listen to Santana and watch our mood rings turn?
Nah. I'm going to get on my bellbottom liesure suit and hit the disco.
Aw, man. I was going to say the '70s.
Hey. I left you reality TV.

 

by Scyess
2-25-05
What band do you think has contributed the most to society?
EMF.
EMF? But didn't they only do one song?
Yes. And for that, society owes them a big one.

 

by Scyess
2-25-05
Oh, great mystic, tell me! Who was I in my past life?
My mystic senses tell me you were once... Erma Rosenbladt!
Wow! That's... um, who the hell was Erma Rosenbladt?
She was a hotel laundress in Germany who died of syphilis in 1703.
To tell you the truth, I was kind of hoping to be Napoleon or something.
Napolen would probably be pissed off if he came back as a guy who believes in this kind of crap.

 

by Scyess
2-25-05
After the fundamental shift in the pervading paradigm infused in the national psyche, there is an almost palpable interstice between comfortable anachronisms and intrinsic social evolution.
I assume from your silence that you concur.
Actually, I was just thinking how much I'd like to fondle your boobs.
I was wrong. Honesty is definitely not the best policy.
No shit! I never would've gotten through med school.

 

by Scyess
2-27-05
I'd like to sign up to get cable TV, please.
Certianly, sir. You can get all 671,172 of our channels for a mere $500 a day.
Well, yeah. But 671,168 of your channels suck. Why can't I just get the four I like for .3¢ a day?
We can't do that! The Golf Channel would go out of business.
Has it ever occurred to you that maybe no one wants the fucking "Golf Channel?"
Yes. That's the problem.

 

by Scyess
3-02-05
Americans sure have a bad rep, internationally.
Yeah.
I wonder why we can't be less concerned about paparazzi and "reality TV" and more worldy and sophisiticated like the Europeans.
Totally.
Meanwhile, in Europe...
The new EU constitution will irrevokably change the lives of every single citizen of Europe. And yet, people know more about football players than it.
We have to convince them to vote somehow. Maybe if we launch it into space we'd get their attention.

 

by Scyess
3-02-05
Apparently, the president of Harvard the other day suggested the remote possiblity of there being a difference between men and women.
What? What was he thinking? That the academic world would tolerate opinions that aren't in lockstep with its self-sustaining myopia?
Who knows. It's like he expects to get away with freely expressing ideas or something.
Well, I hope he learned his lesson.
HAVE YOU LEARNED YOUR LESSON YET, HEATHEN SCUM?
Not quite yet; a few of my limbs are still attached.

 

by Scyess
3-03-05
Wow. Someone caught a 22 pound lobster and sold it to a fish market!
I heard. Within days he was flooded with mail from PETA telling him to release it, zoos wanting to take it, and people wanting to eat it.
I guess it's a good sign that people's lives are so stable they can afford to spend their time getting all flustered over a larger-than-usual crustatean.
I think some schmuck even made a comic about it.

 

by Scyess
3-03-05
America has been the slowest Western country in the world to accept gays into the military.
So the official line of the country is that they're so repulsed by gays, that they refuse to let them get shot and blown up thousands of miles from the comforts of home?
Apparently.
Kiss me, you fool!
But... there's no draft. And you're not a citizen. Or even human...
I know. I was changing the subject.

 

by Scyess
3-03-05
Hey! I bought some organic tangerines at the store!
Of course they're organic. All fruits are composed of compounds of carbon, oxygen, and hydrogen.
That's not what "organic" means anymore.
Oh, yeah? Let's see what the dictionary has to say about that.
"organic - adj - costing $1.50 extra per pound"
Hey! I got some organic toilet paper on sale!

 

by Scyess
3-04-05
I have no nose and no ears.
But on the bright side, I would be perfectly happy in a room full of people endlessly letting loose bullhorn burrito farts.
And in an early decision, the 2005 What the Fuck Award goes to...

 

by Scyess
3-04-05
Nutrition: 1950s
Candy is bad for you, Bobby. Eat this liver instead.
Aw, Mom!
Nutrition: 1980s
Liver is bad for you, Neal. Eat these rice cakes instead.
Aw, Larry!
The natrual progression...
New studies show that food is directly linked to death.
This won't end well.

 

by Scyess
3-04-05
Western countries around the world are preparing to condemn the upcoming elections in Zimbabe.
Why's that?
It seems there is an inordinately large number of dead people registered to vote for Mugabe's party.
Ah, yes. I can see how that would be a problem.
Meanwhile, in Zimbabwe...
Dammit! Every time we are about to gain sufferage, the West has to stick its nose in.
Don't worry. We won't let their intimidation keep us away from the polls!

 

by Scyess
3-05-05
So, Johnna, what do you think of...
Oh my gosh! This water has too much ice in it! There's almost no water at all! And where's the lemon? I asked for extra lemon and didn't get any.
And look! The glass is dirty, too. Look at that! It looks like particles floating in there! That's totally gross. I'll bet it isn't even really spring water.
Wow. Your date was like God?
Let's just say she could turn water into whine.

 

by Scyess
3-05-05
I don't understand why prostituion is illegal.
I mean, they're exchanging services for money. How is that different from working as, say, a marketing consultant?
For one, I doubt a prostitute has any client who wants her to work eight hours a day.
True, but she probably doesn't get a lunch break, either.

 

by Scyess
3-06-05
That soup looks pretty nasty. What is it?
Cream of salt.
Except I didn't have any cream.
You're not exactly subtle about asking for the rent check, are you?
Who me? No, I'm fine. Take your time. I've got enough salt to make soup for weeks, provided they don't cut off the water...

 

by Scyess
3-06-05
So if your only income is the rent I pay you, how did you afford to get a house in the first place?
Woah, boy. Is that a long story.
Hey, buddy. Want a house?
Sure.
Okay, so maybe it wasn't such a long story.
Only if by "long" you mean "stupid."

 

by Scyess
3-07-05
Doc! You gotta help me! I have a horrible case of hypochondria!
Really? What feels bad?
Nothing. I'm perfectly healthy except for my hypochondria.
But you can't have hypochondria unless you feel sick when nothing's wrong.
I do! I feel like I have hypochondria!
I think I'm going to perscribe you some cyanide.

 

by Scyess
3-08-05
They shouldn't call that thing they throw around a "football." Balls are round.
Balls don't have to be round.
Oh, yes they do. Let's see what my old friend the dictionary has to say about it.
Fine.
"ball - n - Why are you even looking this simple word up, you git? Are you trying to prove some trivial, pedantic point? People like you should be flogged to death with dictionaries."
Well? Are you going to read it, or just stand there?

 

by Scyess
3-08-05
Mr. Shanquot, you have almost single-handedly facilitated the bringing about of world peace. Dispite your charitible donations, you are one of the richest men in the world.
You hold honorary doctorates from fifteen universities, the key to a dozen dozen cities, and tonight you will receive the congressional medal of honor. Tell us all: how do you so much?
There are so many people to thank... but one especially. I have to say I have to attribute my success to Ms. Haluszka, who in 5th grade made me memorize all the states and their capital cities.
I'm sorry. I just don't see that happening.
Okay, then how about this: learn the fucking capitals or I'll kill your parents.

 

by Scyess
3-09-05
I mean, she can't even sing! How did she even get on the show?
Damn. All people ever talk about anymore is what they saw on TV. Isn't there more to our personalities than that?
You're right. Let's talk about something a little more intelligent for a change.
Yeah! Let's really get to know each other!

 

by Scyess
3-09-05
So there I was, caught in a bear trap. I had no choice but to gnaw off my own foot to escape.
When I had finally chewed it off, I realized my mistake. Then I had to gnaw off the foot that was actually stuck in the trap.
Imagine my embarassment when I remembered that it was only a virtual reality simulation of being caught in a bear trap.
It's a good thing it's anatomically impossible to gnaw out your own eyes.

 

by Scyess
3-11-05
I want to get a new car, Doc, but I feel guilty about getting rid of the old one before it totally breaks down...
I'm sorry to cut you off, but our time is up.
What do you mean? It's only been twenty minutes.
No, I mean forever. I don't think I'm doing you any good, and I have new patients I want to help.
*gasp* NOO!!!! WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Dammit... I was hoping to get rid of him before he totally broke down.

 

by Scyess
3-11-05
If you had nuclear missiles, do you think you'd cave into pressure from the world's leading powers to get rid of them?
Or would you risk keeping them in hopes that by doing so, you could influence the world in favor of yourself, your beliefs, and your way of life?
You know what? Never mind. Don't get me a birthday present.
Or if you had a Borders gift card...

 

by Scyess
3-11-05
It's pretty self-centered when people talk about their own personal experiences and opinions in conversation.
And yet it's not interesting when they talk about subjects that are irrelevant or that they don't have first-hand knowledge of.
Then again, I suppose this situation is somewhat more boring...

 

by Scyess
3-11-05
Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
No... first we have to get off the couch...
That's a stupid rule.

 

by Scyess
3-12-05
You know I ride to work with some coworkers, right? Whenever we go through the tunnel, my arms and hands start to hurt.
Sounds like a case of car pool tunnel syndrome.
Remind me never to tell you about my problems.
That's what I'm trying to do.

 

by Scyess
3-13-05
Do you think I'm good looking, Jon?
Oh, hell yeah. You're a huge, steaming pile of beauty crawling with fat maggots of sexiness.
Uh...
All that plus an ass that could raze a herd of buffalo at 300 yards.

 

R
by Scyess
3-14-05
I was there when they razed the building to the ground.
What, was it a subterranean building or something?
Uh, what?
Well, you can't RAISE something lower than it is, right? What do you think "raise" means? It's... uh... I don't like it when you look at me that way...
Don't you dare use the "r" word.
"Retarded"?

 

by Scyess
3-14-05
Hey, Ma. What's up?
My word! Did you hear about your cousin? He just broke the bad news to his parents! In the middle of dinner! Oh, God!
Holy shit! What's wrong??!?
He's... he's... he's gay!
Jesus Christ, Mom. You made it sound like he had cancer or something...
You're taking this so well! Did you know already?

 

by Scyess
3-14-05
Yes! You're cousin is gay! Who knew? I mean, he always was so popular with women... lots of his friends are girls...
Not that this changes the way we feel about him! He's still your cousin and we love him! Yes we do! He's still the same person, you know!
But I mean, who saw it coming? This is certainly is the news of the year, don't you think so, Jon? 9/11's got nothing on this scoop!

 

by Scyess
3-14-05
Don't be upset about this, just because you have a gay cousin! Lots of people are gay! They can even lead semi-normal lives in the bigger cities...
But it's okay! It's all right! It's not like he's dead, or anything. He's still the same old --
CHRIST, MOM! ENOUGH ALREADY! YOU'VE TOLD ME FOR TWO HOURS THAT MY COUSIN IS GAY! CAN WE MOVE ON TO THE NEXT TOPIC... PLEASE!!!
I'm gald you're so open minded, because your father is also gay.
g- uh...

 

by Scyess
3-14-05
So Mom, just how many of our family members are gay?
Turns out all of them, except you and me.
Geez.
And quite frankly, I have my doubts about you.
Thanks, Mom.
I mean, really. Shouldn't a man your age have a girlfriend, instead of jerking off to cartoon porn every night?

 

by Scyess
3-14-05
You were on the phone with your mom for a long time.
Yep.
Anything new?
She had some new bushes put in in front of the house. Her arthritis is better. And it seems my whole family is gay.
Your whole family??? Does that include...
Why not? I think I've already struck out with every woman on Earth... might as well give the men a shot.

 

by Scyess
3-14-05
Hey there. Um, come here often?
Woah! Hold on there, honey? Are you trying to pick me up? My gaydar is reading negatory, sailor.
Well, I'm not gay per se, but I can't say I've had any luck with women, so I figured I'd give this a shot.
Suits me, honey. All I need is a warm hole.
Men are such pigs.
I mean, a cantalope straight from the mircowave will work... but I can't get it to grab my buttocks and squeal "Do me, Daddy!"

 

by Scyess
3-14-05
How was your first night as a homosexual?
Disappointing.
Not used to stubble-burn when you kiss your date?
It's not that... it's just that men are such filthy pigs with one-track minds. They didn't see me for who I really am; they just wanted me for sex. I'm going back to girls.
Speaking of girls, one of Sanna's friends is over, and she's kind of cute.
Cute, hell. At this point, all I need is a warm hole.

 

by Scyess
3-14-05
So how did Uncle take the news that his son is gay?
Pretty badly.
Yeah. He's never been a big fan of gays.
True, but it could've been worse.
How?
He could've told him that he was black.

 

by Scyess
3-15-05
You've started inventing again?
Yes. I invented a substance that is 100% frictionless.
That's amazing! Something like that could revolutionize engineering! Why aren't you excited?
Well, there's no way to pick it up, so it's pretty much just going to have to stay where I spilled it on the steps.
**CRASH**
Sounds like you're going to revolutionize tort litigation instead.
Nah. They'll never get out of the basement.

 

by Scyess
3-15-05
Gimme a "T!"
"T!"
Gimme an "E!"
Uh... "T!"
I'm sorry, Jesus. I just don't think you have what it takes to make the cheerleading team.
Oh, yeah? Well... your team name needs more Ts!

 

by Scyess
3-17-05
Wow! You've been inventing a lot of neat stuff lately.
Yep. Keepin' busy.
This is neat! What's this doohickey over here?
NO! DON'T TOUCH THAT! THAT'S THE...
*click*
... plot device.
Everyone freeze. This is a government investigation!

 

by Scyess
3-17-05
I'm with the CIA, the FBI, the NSA, the KGB, the IRS, the NASA, the FDA, and the ASPCA. We're investigating some suspicious information about your activities here.
What information?
Well, we don't have any. That's what's so suspicious.
ARE YOU HEARING THIS, GEORGE ORWELL?!
GAH! BUGS!

 

by Scyess
3-18-05
I'm looking for anything suspicious. Seen anything?
Nope.
How about you? Seen anything suspicious?
Sorry. Nothing.
This is HQ. Anything to report?
I quit.

 

by Scyess
3-18-05
Hey, Samantha. I haven't seen you in a while.
Yes. The job's been miserable.
You still working at the soul torturing plant?
Yep. Sure the work is fun, but the pay is miserable.
Can you join the union?
I work for tips.

 

by Scyess
3-18-05
Why can't you get paid more money? Aren't there any unions where you work?
You mean in Hell?
I guess that was a pretty stupid question.
Even our unions are members of union unions.

 

by Scyess
3-18-05
Why don't you ask your boss for a raise?
Would you ask the manager of a soul torturing plant for a raise?
Er... probably not.
It's probably better not to get on his bad side.

 

by Scyess
3-18-05
Hey. I seem to be suddenly out of a job. Do you guys have any openings?
At the soul torturing plant? Do you have any qualifications?
I just left a job at the IRS.
Sorry. Don't call us; we'll call you.
That was wierd. I would've thought he'd've been pefect.
Yeah. There's going to be a management spot opening up soon, and I don't need that type of competition.

 

by Scyess
3-18-05
So how was the blind date? Was he really "tall, dark, and mysterious?"
I don't want to talk about it.
You couldn't find him, could you?
Next time I'll put more emphasis on "tall."

 

by Scyess
3-23-05
Buy our breakfast cereal! It's the crunchiest!
So?
"So?" "SO?"??? OUR PRODUCT HAS A SUPERLATIVE ASSOCIATED WITH IT! OBVIOUSLY, IT'S THE BEST! NOW GO BUY BREAKFAST CEREAL SO HARD IT CRUSHES YOUR TEETH TO DUST EVERY MORNING!!!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!
...and while you're out, buy some of our bananas. They're the straightest!

 

by Scyess
3-24-05
Holy crap! I've never seen one person cook so much in my life.
Yeah! Gotta cook! I've been bitten by the cooking bug!
Damn tasty she was, too.
Did you notice that half your leg's gone?
No time! Gotta cook cook cook!

Showing page 22.

« Previous Next »