All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
1-29-03
The author takes a classic comic ...
and damages it by inserting a bunch of superfluous narration ...
in yellow boxes the color of my kitchen counter. My wife hates that counter color, but I kind of like it, so I'll just write a bit more. There are two Asian girls standing here, looking at you.

 

by kaufman
1-29-03
Yo.
Yo.
Yo.
Yo.
Yo.

 

by kaufman
1-29-03

 

by kaufman
1-29-03
Hey, I've got a good joke. You know why Jupiter's Great Red Spot is the second biggest red spot in the solar system?
No, why is it?
Because Uranus is bleeding!
Ha ha ha, good one. I'll have to remember that.
Susan, you know why Jupiter's Great Red Spot is the second biggest red spot in the solar system? Because my anus is bleeding!
Check, please!

 

by kaufman
1-30-03
My anus is bleeding.
Ho ho ho, another one?
Here you go, big guy. The first of the Ronco solar-powered anal douches, hot off the assembly line. We'll have 500 ready for Christmas.
Great. Far as I can tell, the whole stripcreator community needs them.
Allo, I am ze late great Jacques Cousteau. Please do not send ze anal douches to ze stripcreators. It might harm ze marine life inside ze douches and make me unhappy.
Sixteen of your compatriots have already called in. Sigh, I'll stop the deliveries. With French like that, who needs enemas?

 

by kaufman
1-31-03
I just flew in from Chicago, and boy, are my wings tired.
Tough crowd.

 

by kaufman
1-31-03
So anyway, you know how there's always one twig in your nest that is darker than the re... Hey, what are you doing up here?
You're coming with me.
Ain't he great? Let's hear it for the new featherweight boxing champion of the world!

 

by kaufman
1-31-03
My anus is bleeding.
Why don't you come with Tinman, Lion, Scarecrow, Toto and me? We're on our way to 'Emorrhoid City.

 

by kaufman
2-02-03
I'm so glad they opened up this Dave and Buster's. Luna City is so much more interesting than Bethesda.
I don't know. This place seems a bit lacking in atmosphere. Hey, what's the pool tables' wait?
About a sixth as much as it would be on Earth.

 

by kaufman
2-02-03
Sorry I'm late, I had to be online so I wouldn't miss writing Comic 5,000,000.

 

by kaufman
2-03-03
Hello, my hysterically obsolete old friend.
Me? Look who's talking, rotary dial boy.
Face it, we props have all gotten long in the tooth. Does anybody remember wires?
Ha! Thanks to world disarmament and gravity drives, who could have aged worse than me?
Uh, I think this piece of technology has you beat ...
RAAAR! TOBOR WILL GERITOL YOU!!!

 

by kaufman
2-03-03
One day at the reunion...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves."
Ha, ha.
What the fuck was I saying?
Beats me.

 

by kaufman
2-03-03
So, Captain Monosyllabic, tell me all about where you've been these past 20 years.
Earth.
You're looking good, Bazilla. To tell you the truth, you don't look a day over 40!
Gee, thanks a lot.
You're so pink. Still. How do you do it?
If you must know, Grecian Formula.

 

by kaufman
2-04-03
Here, catch! I'd hate to be in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

 

by kaufman
2-04-03
Remember all that fear of cloning at the start of the century? Look at us now; organ harvesting is big business.
Tell me about it. It's done great things for the stripcreator community.
Yeah, Gabe's hair, wirthling's body, not to mention Spankling after that "accident."
And these days, Cthulhu goes through about 12 of me each week.
Excuse me, arm, but could you come outside with me a moment?
Why if it isn't Old Man Kaufman! What is it, another 17-year-old newbie challenging you to a pun-off?

 

by kaufman
2-04-03
Xjsuimjoh!
Pcj!
J ufmm zpv xf'wf ibe pvs vqt boe epxot. Uif tvnnfs pg '15 xbt hsfbu, boe uif xpstu xbt bgufs uif Dpmvncjb ejtbtufs. J dpvmeo'u hfu b kpc jo bfsptqbdf fohjoffsjoh!
Zpv uijol zpv ibe ju cbe? J xbt jo Fbtu Ufybt bu uif ujnf.
Mppl, Cpccjf-Tvf, J gpvoe nf b tpvwfojs!

 

by kaufman
2-04-03
Quote originally from Dave Barry
A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which you realize you are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how you release the anxiety you feel at this knowledge.
Ha, ha.
Ho ho ho, hee hee hah woo!
Bwahahahaha ha ha ha ha hahahahahah wahahaha heeheehohoohahaha!

 

by kaufman
2-08-03
You were weaving erratically and driving slowly. I think you're driving under the influence.
Good thing I took those Altoids. They're strong enough to beat a breathalyzer.
You expect a breath test? Hell, we both know they're unreliable. Around here we detect alcohol residue on the colon wall. It's foolproof.
Huh?
PREPARE FOR TOBRIETY TEST!

 

by kaufman
2-08-03
Checkmate!
What do you mean checkmate? My king can escape to f4 or e3.
No, those spaces are covered by my rook and bishop. See h3? See h2?
OH!

 

by kaufman
2-10-03
This specimen has been drinking Scotch on the rocks. He is very drunk.
This one has been drinking Bourbon and water. He is totally zonked.
And this one has been drinking "lite beers," which are essentially watered down malt beverages. He is completeley plastered ... Computer, RECORD: water causes drunkenness in Species 6109.

 

by kaufman
2-11-03
The money may be good, but never, ever take a job tending bar at an Irish Pub Internet Cafe.
One Harp lager. You want draft or a 12-ounce bottle?
I want it in a half 1337r mug.
The clientele will drive you absolutely nuts.
All your Bass are belong to me. Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Oh, brother!
You wouldn't believe some of their requests.
My name is Craig. I only have a few months to live, and my dying wish is to get a postcard certifying that I broke the world record for getting the most Guinnesses...

 

by kaufman
2-13-03
The fuck?

 

by kaufman
2-13-03
There you have it. President Bush has just proven Fermat's Last Theorem, recited "Hamlet," and solved the Grand Unifying Theory of Physics. Now for his policy speech.
What a genius!
My fellow Americans, We need to shore up the economy. No longer will we be subsidizing the rich with useless and fiscally irresponsible tax cuts.
Absolutely brilliant.
I know many of you are concerned with Iraq, and I am ready to tell you the real reason behind this conflict. Saddam, we will stand down our troops if only you return our stapler.
I knew it!

 

by kaufman
2-13-03
11-year-olds find these funny:
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
I don't know, why?
Because he was stapled to the chicken.
Ha ha!
Meanwhile:
Damn.

 

by kaufman
2-13-03
And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
And God saw that it wasn't very good, so God decided to staple the waters back to the waters.
But He couldn't find a Himself-damned stapler.
Screw it. I'll just leave it as is.

 

by kaufman
2-16-03
Hello, Buffy, I just wanted you to know that I've set the volcano next to your house to erupt in 90 seconds, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Mwahahahaha!
That's what you think, Siegfried. Transformo-bot and I will be able to save the day!
You called for me?
Yes, Transformo-bot. I need you to transfrm into a giant stapler so that we can staple the volcano ...
RUMBLE-RUMBLE....
shut.

 

by kaufman
2-17-03
That was your first wish for freeing me from the lamp. You now have $1,000,000. Make your second wish.
Oh genie, what is money without health? I really wish to know the secret to a healthy diet.
Ah, it is simple. For all the talk of vitamins and nutrients, the best way to good health is the daily intake of a well-balanced set of staples.
Aha. In that case, for my third wish ...
I want a never-emptying stapler.

 

by kaufman
2-18-03
We've had below average rainfall here for two years. Things are really starting to dry up. I wish something would be done about it.
Keep wishing man, it'll happen.
FWOOOOOOOM!
Uh, thanks.

 

by kaufman
2-18-03
I can't get that silly hot dog jingle out of my head.
o/` Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, that is what I'd truly like to be ...
Gott in Himmel! How did you know my name was Meyer Wiener? I'll grant you your wish and turn you into an Academy Award.
And the award for best song goes to ... Celine Dion, for "My Song Will Go On and On and On."
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

 

by kaufman
2-18-03
Film Critic Andy Dougan
A new version of "Bedazzled" was released this week. The good news: it's more faithful to the Cook/Moore classic than the 2000 remake.
The bad news: It's dumbed down for today's audiences, who won't figure out that the Devil is twisting every wish maximally. Thus, the wishes are just stated explicitly. Like this:
And for my next wish I want to be a lesbian nun, bound to a vow of silence, jumping up and down on a trampoline, all the while as I make pffffffffft noises.
Granted!

 

by kaufman
2-19-03
You wanted to see me. You are concerned about some issues?
Yes, Dr. Freud. I fear that all my wishes are coming true, and I'm becoming terribly and despotically powerful.
I see, and how long have you felt this way?
Ever since I started making people see through their grinning mouths.
Uh huh, and when exactly does this happen?
When I wish eyes are smiling.

 

by kaufman
2-19-03
The genie from the lamp granted him three wishes.
I want to be a rock superstar, with a multi-platinum album on which every song is a monster hit.
That's one.
His career skyrocketed, and he forgot all about his wishes until ...
o/` I wanna go to the sun! ...
Two.
And no one has heard from him since.
Owwwww! It burns! Cancel my wishes. Take it all back!
Three.

 

by kaufman
2-21-03
I wish this wish wouldn't come true.
...And the universe imploded and was
replaced by a far more complex one.

 

by kaufman
2-22-03
So now that you've been elected the leader of this community of insects, what are you going to do, Mr. Beetle?
The first thing I'm going to do is impose a new set of dietary regulations for the community.
Like what?
No longer will you be allowed to eat triple layer sandwiches with turkey, ham, jalapenos and processed ventricles of insane humans.
So then, soylent peppered looney heart clubs...
BANNED!

 

by kaufman
2-22-03
I still can't get over what happened to Brad. The poor guy, what a horrible thing to have your face disfigured in an accident like that.
And it's turned him into a complete bastard. He's been kicking regulars off stripcreator for no reason. Spankling's been banned. Boorite is banned. EVEN GABE GOT BANNED.
Relax, folks - this is just a hideous alternative future
I can't believe he's gone all bad. Look, he wove my living room rug. Any guy who does something like that HAS to be sensitive.
I don't know if he still does rugs. But I've got a Mexican friend who's tight with Brad. I bet I can find out.
Hola, Pete, que pasa?
I've got a question, Jose: Does that scarred Spankling banner yet weave?

 

by kaufman
2-24-03
Hey, how come I don't see any of you on #stripcreator anymore?
We were BENNED.
(DANCING.)
(DANCING.)
(DANCING.)

 

by kaufman
2-24-03
Daddy, I want a pony for Christmas.
If you're good, honey, I'm sure Santa will bring you one.
December 24, 4:15 PM
I have a package for you from IKEA horse farm.
This was such a good idea buying the kit. I've saved a mint. I'll have it assembled just in time.
11 hours later ...
Ha! Complete! She'll be so happy.

 

by kaufman
2-24-03
You want what?
You heard me right the first time. I said I wanted you to sandpaper my eyelids.
I can't believe I'm doing this. You'd better take me home after this.
Yes, yes, Oh my God! Don't stop! Of course I will. Keep going! MORE!
Okay, here we are. Let's get started. Sand my carpet.

 

by kaufman
2-25-03
The organizers and strippers hired to complete this contest wish it to be known that they have just been sacked.
The final comics have been created in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute.
THE KILLER EXPOSED, by boorite_billings
VOTE FOR US, by KajunLara7

 

by kaufman
2-28-03
Pssssssssst. Hey you, Psychiatric help. 5 cents.
Hey, I know that voice. What are you doing in that get-up?
Well, I kept badgering Schroeder to propose to me, and he finally did. He gave me a 5-carat rock, and I don't want anyone to steal it.
Not bad. Congratulations!
Yo, Dave, how come you're holding your nose?
I have this premonition that a girl with colitis is about to pass by.

 

by kaufman
2-28-03
Hello?
Trick or treat!
Why, that's a ... most interesting costume. What are you supposed to be?
Can't you tell? I'm the Wicked Witch of the West.
Really? I must say you look more like a formless mass of ...
Well, duh! It's raining out here.

 

by kaufman
3-01-03
Woohoo! This hang glider really works. I can fly ! I can fly! I can ... uh oh ...
Yo, look at da guy. Looks pretty beat up but at least da anus is intact. Wondah wheah he came from.
He was in disguise, numbskull.

 

by kaufman
3-02-03
The best thing about Lite Beer is that it's less filling.
No, the best thing about it is that it tastes great.
Nothing like a good catfight to warm the cockles of your heart. Look at those clothes fly! We'll see what's under them in a moment, *drool*.
Less Filling _____________ Tastes great!!!
LESS FILLING!!! _______________ *TASTES GREAT!!!*
Less filling.
Let's sniff each other's butts.

 

by kaufman
3-03-03
Get a load of this, Tobor: the forum users have posted their secret fantasies. Saran wrap, grape jello ... Drexle's into baby barnyard animals.
DISGUISED AS A BABY GOAT, TOBOR WILL FINALLY CORNHOLE DREXLE!!!
BAAAAAA! THIS CUTE BABY GOAT WILL BUTT YOU!
Wait a minute, I know that voice. That sounds like Tobor. Take off that ridiculous costume.
Silly robot, Drex is for kids!

 

by kaufman
3-06-03
Hello, it's me. The President. You're probably wondering right now how I got to being here. This is what happened.
George ran his hand up and down inside Barbara's teddy, squirting some Astroglide onto his finger and inserting it into her tight fanny, while whispering cowboy talk into her ear...
Nine months later, here I am, a breathing, walking advertisement for Trojan conundrums.
CUT!!!

 

by kaufman
3-07-03
You may not think about it in the back seat of your parked Chevy, but you always need protection ...
Oh yes, yes, do it to me. Harder! HARDER!
Because accidents do happen.
Hello, Allstate? My car just got rear-ended.
Relax, you're in good hands.

 

by kaufman
3-07-03
Hey, kids! Call your local newspaper
CONUNDRUM. CONUNDRUM. CONUNDRUM.
features editors, and demand that
CONUNDRUM. CONUNDRUM. CONUNDRUM.
they carry "Zippy the Pinhead."
CONUNDRUM. HOT LESBIAN WESSON THREESOME. CONUNDRUM. CONUNDRUM.

 

by kaufman
3-07-03
I hear the superheroes are forming a band. Adam West on the Bat-guitar, Lou Ferrigno on the Hulk organ, ...
Christopher Reeve on Super-sax, Lynda Carter on Wonderbass, and Arnold Schwarzenneger on the Conundrum.
BOOOOOO!!!!!!
YOU STINK!
Hunts Tomatoes. Enjoy them in bed.
Herbert, aren't you going to throw that tomato at him?
Are you kidding? Look at that perfect curvature, the satiny texture, the allurring shade of red, the drip of its juice ...

 

by kaufman
3-07-03
Excuse me, I'm looking for the philosophers' house. Do you know where it is?
Right down the street. But it's not a house, it's a conundruminium.
Oh my god, you are so sexy! Forget the philosophers, take me inside and fuck my brains out!
Have you ever wondered why other guys get all the babes while you sit at home in your miserable house? It's not money, looks or smarts ...
No, it's because there's no bigger turn-on than a masterful pun. And now you too can learn to pun like the pros. Enroll in the Fuzzykauf School, and we guarantee your dates will triple.

 

by kaufman
3-14-03
Russia, 1917
o/` Imagine there's no countries, It isnt hard to do, Nothing to kill or die for, No religion too ...
Did you write those words, Mr. Lenin? They're very profound and moving. I think I'll grant you your deepest desire.
I dream of a workers' paradise. I would like to be responsible for making all of Mother Russia Red.
Done!
My anus is bleeding.

Showing page 27.

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