All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
3-14-03
Outside of Helsinki, waste products such as vodka, Raid, and thalidomide leak out of trash cans and sink into the snow.
With June's spring thaw, the snow melts, and the contaminated water runs off into the lakes, where the local fish are fornicating.
The results are, of course, tragic. The resulting babies are all mute ants.
He has his father's eyes.
I have no mouth and I must swim.

 

by kaufman
3-15-03
_________ Terrorist suspect _________ ______ Three-day interrogation ______ _______ Does not say a thing. _______
______ Cracks under pressure ______ ____ Suspect suddenly combusts ____ __________Spontaneously. __________
_______ But he, we find out, _______ __ Was just a common street mime. __ ____ Break out the champagne! ____

 

by kaufman
3-16-03
All the members of this Canadian Club adhere to its First Rule.

 

by kaufman
3-18-03
Good morning, how may I help you?
I want a divorce. Can you represent me?
Wait a minute, I recognize you. You're Cinderella. You married the handsome Prince two months ago. Why would you need a divorce?
Irreconcilable differences. Let's just say I found a few things out about him that I just can't deal with.
I'm afraid you'll have to be a bit more specific than that.
Do I need to spell it out? The guy's a fucking foot fetishist!

 

by kaufman
3-19-03
menGIGO!

 

by kaufman
3-19-03
I must return to my quest, Fezzik. I will seek out the six-fingered man all over this earth, and when I find him, I will hold up my sword and say:
HELLO, MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA. YOU KILLED MY FATHER. PREPARE TO DIE!
Well, what do you think?
You'd better lay off the booze first, Mengigo. You can't even pronounce your name right.

 

by kaufman
3-20-03
Let's go.
We can't.
Why not?
We're waiting for Godot.
Who's Godot? I'm waiting for Mengigo.
Ah.

 

by kaufman
3-21-03
Booooooo!
You suck!
Go back to Eurasia, scumbag!
Big Brother is closing in on you!
It's amazing how doublepluspopular the Two Minutes Hate has become now that we replaced Goldstein with Mengigo.

 

by kaufman
3-22-03
Wow, Judge Mengigo has really gotten into the branding of prisoners since the Prynne case. What were you folks convicted of?
Stalking Barbara Feldon.
Throwing a bone at a black monolith.
Preaching a heliocentric universe.
Treason, horsetheft, embezzling, extortion, necrophilia, dancing, idolatry, sodomy, noogieing, intoxication, being gay and hopscotch.

 

by kaufman
3-22-03
Welcome to American Idle. Tonight we have an exciting semifinal match. Our first contestant is Helen Fuller ... Oh, she's asleep. Isn't that outstanding! She'll be hard to beat.
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Next we have her opponent, James Winger. James is ... uh, where is he?
We haven't seen him. It looks like James couldn't be bothered to come in tonight.
Incredible! Well, there you have it. James Winger will advance to the finals of American Idle, next Tuesday on Fox.

 

by kaufman
3-24-03
Can you spin straw into gold for me?
Ok, but tehn I get to rapp you hard.
That's a hefty price to pay. Can't you offer anything better?
How's this? I rapp you unless you can guess my name.
Ok. Is it ... Mengigo?
Damn.

 

by kaufman
3-26-03
YOU WON SECOND PRIZE IN A BEAUTY CONTEST. COLLECT $10.
Yessss!

 

by kaufman
3-28-03
Congratulations. You | That is so far are the winner of the | out! I don't sacredest cow of this | believe it! Wait year award............... | till I tell Bossy.
Hamaka kozi shamegi dooja remi sutra heshkay.
Mooooooooo.
Your prize is a lifetime's supply of hamburger.
Lakona miza cooroomay shah rojosikha.
FANTA SHOKATA.

 

by kaufman
3-29-03
Excuse me, I think you ate my brother.
Wait a minute, how are you talking to me?
I dunno. I just ate some cheese that had been dumped overboard, and it must have been radioactive or something. Speaking of which, mind if I have one of those salty dog cheese fries before I eat you?
Sure, go right ahead.
Le Ring! Le Ring!
Allez le grand orange! Zomeone is calling on ze secret freed... er, FRENCH fry fone. Le Super Jesus must be in deep merde!

 

by kaufman
3-30-03
Stacy the Radical Feminist has just died, and meets St. Peter at the gates of Heaven ...
Whoa, I get to go in here?
Absolutely, and I think you'll like the place. Not a man to be found.
No men? Come on, even I'm sure a few of them lived good lives.
Even the best men wind up in, how shall we say this, a remote place.
CLICK ... CLICK ... CLICK ...
This afterlife is the BEST! I just love these remotes!

 

by kaufman
3-31-03

 

by kaufman
3-31-03
We've been walking for hours. This looks wrong. Won't you please ask someone for directions?
Relax. I'm sure this is the right way, and besides, there's no one around here to ask.
Now I'm positive we made a wrong turn somewhere. If you refuse to ask, will you at least check the map?
Ok, Ok. Let me look in this atlas ... According to this, we should be right around ...
*urp*
R'lyeh.

 

by kaufman
4-02-03
So here I am, alone on my ship, light years away from earth, engines dead thanks to an ion storm, and no chance of rescue whatsoever.
Oh well, might as well keep from being bored. Computer, bring up FreeCell.
Hmmm, have I lost again?
Hey stupid, put the red 4 on the black 5!

 

by kaufman
4-02-03
You know that Rolling Stones song, that country-sounding one about "the girl with the faraway eyes"?
Yeah, I think I remember that tune, haven't heard it in a while.
So, like, where are her eyes? Peru? New Guinea? And does she look like Orphan Annie, or what?

 

by kaufman
4-03-03
Look around us. No sky, no trees, no cars, no nothing. Just a vast featureless void.
Yeah, i'ts like we were sucked into a vacuum.
Could I borrow five dollars? We need to pay for the sucking.

 

by kaufman
4-07-03
It's truly tragic what happened to kaufman.
I know. It's hard to fathom the pain he was going through, but losing his own themed contest must have driven him over the edge.
Yeah, but to take such drastic action ... I could never do what he did.
Me neither. What twisted soul would really make how many now? 150 multiply-punned entries to CC 181?
Juan ate; he won. Heh heh heh!
Save Comic?

 

by kaufman
4-08-03
July 12, 1990, Washington DC
Whoa, it really is raining cats and dogs!

 

by kaufman
4-09-03
Hello, guess what? I made the big time. Yes, they made a comic contest in my honor.
Huh? Oh, it's this online thing where people make up comics and try to be the funniest. And this week, they're all about ME!
What? WHO AM I? I'm your son. Your only one. Yes, you have one ... Hello? Hello?

 

by kaufman
4-14-03
Package for you. Please sign here.
Oh boy! Here at last.
Paint both units black, insert pointy side down into the ground, and your life will be a comic strip!
Hey, Frank, how's it going?
Just great. My Stripcreator Panel-Divider Posts arrived today. See, there's one right behind you.

 

by kaufman
4-14-03
Huh? Where am I? What am I doing here?
On a drunken bender, Kajun flew to Detroit. He is now beginning to sober up.
Hey, thanks a lot.
This guy's trying to sell you something.
Never be lost and confused again. Order your Onstar Narration Box Service Subscription now, and you'll NEVER wonder what's going on.

 

by kaufman
4-15-03
Wow, that's beautiful. Is it ...
Yup, the limited edition stripcreator chess set, with pieces crafted in the image of your favorite forumusers.
So who chose who got to be which piece?
It was obvious. Spankling's the Kink, Andy's the Biscuit, Jrnmn's the Nate, DragonXero's the Rock, and of course the 8 Puns are in my image.

 

by kaufman
4-15-03
******************* START ******************* Collect $5 whenever you land here.

 

by kaufman
4-16-03
Post a creatively doctored image to Photoshop Valley. Unfortunately, it is hosted by Geocities. Go back 2 spaces.
x
CHOICE: Lose two turns reading the entire Colossal Geek thread, OR lose two turns pondering the paradox of how you can both not be Scyess, and not be not_Scyess.
DexX finally gets around to completing your forumuser character. Move ahead four spaces.
I'm so glad I did yours, bunner. The site needs more teenaged characters.

 

by kaufman
4-17-03
Hey, you're grazing.
Why, yes I am.
But ... but ... won't Dr. Atkins ...
No. Didn't you hear? He just died.
He did? Well, thank god. I was getting tired of this cannibalism diet.

 

by kaufman
4-21-03
Play some Buttonmen. The RNG hates you. For your next 5 turns, your left-hand opponent sets your die rolls.
*BASTARD*
Start a "What are the rules of this contest?" challenge. Add a new secret rule to this game and collect $1 from each violator whenever it is violated (remember, YOU must always follow your rule).
A man, a plan, a can, that is the question.
All right portion words got odd lengths.
A visit from Cthulhu leaves you insane. For the remainder of the game, move forward on odd rolls or instructions, and backward on even ones.

 

by kaufman
4-22-03
I hear you're the biscuit game champ in these parts. Draw!
The Iceman Cometh

 

by kaufman
4-23-03
CONTEST DEADLINE PASSES. But real life gets in the judge's way. You all wait. Everyone goes back 20 spaces.
Reload
Reload
BRILLIANT, WINNING COMIC! But the judge is an idiot. Move right hand opponent's piece one space in front of yours.
And the winner is ... OMGLOLasianbaebs.
The End.

 

by kaufman
4-25-03
Spy satellites with x-ray cameras are looking down at you and know the length of your penis to the exact millimeter.
That's bullshit!
Princess Di really survived, and is now training an Al Qaeda camp in France to produce land mines.
That's bullshit!
There's something brown and stinky under your feet.
That's bullshit!

 

by kaufman
4-25-03
Jack, there's only enough space on the lifeboats for women and children. I can't bear to let you die. In my cabin there's a suit of armor that will protect you.
And then we'll be together forever, Rose.
CUT! That didn't work. He still died. I want a happy ending! How about if you two sing songs from West Side Story?
Glub.
When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, from your first ciga...
Hang on, wait a second. It's 1912 here. What the fuck's a jet?

 

by kaufman
4-26-03
Suddenly I am feeling totally horny. I want you to rip off my clothes right here on this deck and then we'll fuck like crazed weasels.
Yes, ma'am!
ARE YOU TIRED OF HAVING EVERYTHING RUST? TRY NEW RUSTOLEUM. IT REALLY WORKS! SEE, LOOK AT ME. UNDER THE OCEAN FOR SIX MONTHS, AND NO RUST!
Hey, sorry you missed that, but I am a guy. Hand me a remote and I've got to change channels. I just couldn't help myself. You males out there understand.
Whoa, that was incredible. I am totally satisfied.
Me too!

 

by kaufman
4-26-03
What's the matter with her, eh?
I don't know, it's probably PMS.
PMS? Look at this! Snowdrifts up to here; someone even built a snowman in the middle of the rink. Our curling match is supposed to start in 15 minutes!

 

by kaufman
4-29-03
INSTANT IQ TEST
Do you know what I am?
Clearly, you're a hole in the ground.
WORST THING TO HEAR FROM A DOCTOR
And best of all, for new patients, I throw in a free autopsy on the first visit.
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO AN ASSASSIN
No, silly, that's a finger. Your gun's in your other pocket.

 

by kaufman
4-30-03
HOBBIES FOR THE INVULNERABLE
Tyler! What happened to you?
Oh, I was just playing some Extreme Twister. Don't worry, I'll straighten out in a few days.
Worst Pun Ever
Don't you think having an assraping robot portrayed as host makes a colon mockery of "Whose Line"?
WORST THING TO HEAR FROM THE DOCTOR
Let's switch roles. I'll be the patient, and you play the doctor. Here, I'm lowering my pants.

 

by kaufman
5-01-03
All done, lassie, I put in a new faucet. There'll be nae more drips.
Thank you very much.
My drainpipe is clogged, Lois. Do you have a recommendation for a plumber I could call?
Well, I use McOnaughy. He's very good, but I should warn you: He IS a Scottish plumber.
Scottish? I don't follow. What difference should that make?
Put it this way: When he bends over, you see the OTHER end of his crack.

 

by kaufman
5-03-03
LITTLE-KNOWN SECRETS OF THE SC REGULARS
Pssst pssst pssssst pssst psst.
What was that? WHO sits naked in the dark at 3 AM watching Mork and Mindy reruns?
REJECTED COMIC CONTEST IDEAS
CC 196: Comics about Protozoa? That won't do.
How about this? CC 196: Creative uses for Cream of Wheat.
HOBBIES FOR THE INVULNERABLE
What are you going to do with your vacation time?
I'm becoming President for Life of Bolivia.

 

by kaufman
5-05-03
I've got a clogged drain. I think it's hair. Can you come fix it?
Hair, huh? You don't suppose it's RAT hair, do you? I'll find that rodent and chew on it until it squeals ...
Look, I've just got a leak. What can you do for me?
Someone's leaking? Well, I can take a sawed-off AK-47, with teflon-coated rounds, and when I get ahold of that fink, you'll have to scrape him off the wall with a putty knife.
Hold on, you are McOnaughy, the plumber, aren't you?
No, ma'am. I'm G. Gordon Liddy. Right above McOnaghy in the Yellow Pages. A lot of people make that mistake.

 

by kaufman
5-06-03
You're the plumber?
Yes, ma'am, at your service.
Thank goodness you're here. The blockage is getting worse.
I'll be able to take care of it. Just show me where the problem is ...
WHOOSH!
On second thought, I think I can find it.

 

by kaufman
5-06-03
Hang on a moment, lassie. I'll go back to my van and fetch you a condom.
A WHAT? Listen, bud, you've got the wrong idea. I called you over to fix my pipes. Or let me rephrase that ...
Whoa, I didn't mean it that way. Sorry for the misunderstanding. But backed-up sewage water is a leading cause of infectuous diseases.
And you think a condom will protect me?
Works for me. Do I look like I have SARS? AIDS? Leprosy?
I guess water on the brain isn't infectuous ...

 

by kaufman
5-06-03
How's it coming?
Just tighten this a bit more, and everything should be fixed. Did I mention about our money back guaran...
What the hell was that?
My phone. I set the ringer on extra-ultra-super-loud, so I can hear it when I'm out of the office on a call. Gotta run so I can pick it up before the second ring.

 

by kaufman
5-06-03
Hello, there's this drip I really want to get rid of. What do you suggest I use?
I dare say a standard wrench ought to do you fine.
I don't think you understand. I've got a buddy I want to "send to the showers." What should I fill my gun with?
Just use caulk. You can get some in aisle 15 at the Home Depot.
Hold on a second, you are G. Gordon Liddy, the Watergate plumber, aren't you?
Nae, laddie, my name is McOnaughy. Right below Liddy in the Yellow Pages, I am. Lots of folks make that mistake.

 

by kaufman
5-12-03
Hey bitch, give me all your money!
Oh crap. I hate getting mugged.
Zzzzzzzzzzzz...
That was amazing. You closed your eyes ... and he closed his eyes and went to sleep. I must take you to my school.

 

by kaufman
5-12-03
This here is Emotion. Her facial expressions propagate to other people.
Hi there.
I'm Wolverine. You may have seen me in "Edward Scissorhands."
My name is Magneto. I attract metal.
I'm Mystique. I'm a shape-shifter.
And my name's Cyclops. I need some new shades.

 

by kaufman
5-12-03
several hours later ...
Here you go, boss, Jane's Book of X-Men, updated last week.
Excellent. Now I can go about swapping their powers. Wolverine will be able to use Cerebero from a wheelchair. Storm will attract metal objects...
Rogue will have remote-control eyelids, and so forth. Heh, heh. When this takes effect at sunrise, you know what we'll have?
Scrambled X?
No, moron, we'll have the opportunity to blow up the mutant school, and NO ONE will be able to stop us.

 

by kaufman
5-12-03
Help! Help! Someone's invading the school!
I'd love to help out, but I can't walk, and I'm feeling destructible.
*CLICK* ... THIS IS CNN. ... *CLICK* ... Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! ... *CLICK* ... The 3-1 pitch to Sosa ...
Rogue, everyone's helpless with swapped mutant powers. Is there anything you can do?
How about you, Cyclops, can you help? Uh, I guess not.

 

by kaufman
5-12-03
Everybody's helpless. Now I can push this button and blow the whole school to smitheree...
Hey there, cutie.
I'm so happy! I feel so gruntled. I'm just going to step outside and pick some flowers.
You go do that. Run along, now.
I don't get it. Why weren't my mutant powers affected?
That's simple. He didn't know you were an X-Man. You weren't in his copy of Jane's so he couldn't go and switch you. You might say you were our X-factor!

Showing page 28.

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