All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
5-17-03
A folio of Shakespeare's American Histories was recently unearthed. We proudly present, in its entirety, William I, which relates the life story of the first President Harrison.
I do solemnly swear, as I look in your eyes, Thy Constitution I'll uphold, and *unnnuurrrggh*
(Dies.)

 

by kaufman
5-18-03
I welcome thee into our fair eatery family. Lo, yonder toddler her Happy Meal overturns. Our ivory floor shant be covered in slop; you know the drill, get a bucket and mop!
Away I clean, fearest thyself not! I command yon fell stain, Out! Out, damned spot!
Yo, Bethie, The end of my shift on the grill draws nigh. Once you've polished the floor, there lies in my doublet a dispenser of Special Sauce that must needs cleaned.
Fie, now, Duncan, O' porcine grillboy, lest your wiener be caught in some big ebon buns.
Help! Help! Afire am I. Pushed into the vat of hellish lard. Prithee extinguish, ere I make an ash of myself.
Come hither, Elizabeth, Duncan hath in fryer fell. Thy promotion awaits, now cook the burghers the burgers.

 

by kaufman
5-18-03
Can't sleep, clowns will kill me ... Unless I kill them first.
What hamburglar hath in me mortal wound inflicted? On my last breath to all fair lads adieu.
Fell Ronald dies, on the lam I must be. But how to hide? Aha, now, within clownish garb go I.
All hail Ronald, Lord of all McDonald's!
I can get used to this.

 

by kaufman
5-18-03
Double, double, toil and trouble; Fryer burn and Cola bubble. Filet-O-Fish and Roadkill Cat; Woudst thou like some fries with that?
Hither shall enter Elizabeth, future employee in the demesnes of repast of haste. Move along, lady, great tidings are afoot.
Hail McBeth, washer of floor! Hail McBeth, Hamburger cook! Hail McBeth, Lord of all the chain!
Huh? Prithee, cashier wench, mayest thou direct me to yon manager? I seek employ for these summer months.

 

by kaufman
5-18-03
Hail, powerful McBeth, who can be killed by no man born of woman, safe until Brazil's rainforest marches upon you!
Ha ha! Verily I am invulnerable! Raise the prices! No more special orders! Chokeable toys in Happy Meals! Shamrock Shakes every day!
Dude, witness yon restaurant's decline into suckdom. Yon clowne turns this into a house of crappe.
Verily, must needs we kill him. But how to sneak up on him? They say a clown a thousand eyes hath.
Hark, yon convenient trashcan, in which lie dozens of burger wrappers, differently worded on each side for multiple foldings.
Aye, a side says Big Mac, another Filet-O-Fish, another La Royale with Cheese, and another Recycled Paper made in Brazil.

 

by kaufman
5-18-03
Steady, mate, hold burger wrapper in front of face. Hither, our fell clown shant see us coming.
I'm hungry.
Fair hap on you wee child, this day now introduces McHaggis. You stomach ewe stomach shall at last meet. Hark, what paper blows this way?
Lo, my life blood escapes me. Was the prophecy in ill sooth? For I believed myself immune to harm from man born of woman.
Alas, born of no woman am I. For I am just a cartoon character drawn in pixels on yon internet. Witness all blue screen of death closing in on hamburger queen McBeth.

 

by kaufman
5-20-03
What now in miserable spate of existence, a mirror'd duo of nowhere men devoid e'er of meaning.
And yet to by the Prince be deport onto senseless demise.
Verily, 'tis as a whoooooooaa!
Indeed.

 

by kaufman
5-20-03
How now, gentle Guildenstern. I feared never again to lay mine eyes once again upon you once the verdant creatures you off escorted.
Indeed and likewise, my brother of soul. Methinks we are returned to fair Denmark, duties complete and full of fatigue.
Must be you reads me well. My labours of the night leave me in need of rest. But nay, what toil uponst you lay our foreign tripedal hosts?
One nonstop exploration of mine innermost nethermosts. An odyssey of mine ilium one might say. But what now of you, facest also probings anal?
Nay, in farmland was I required to till concentric arcs comprising eighteen score degrees. But aught were you with me; I fear for you 'twas worst.
Fears allayed, fair count'part, for in mine indignities, the dislodgement of one most heinous pebble of kidney, now lying pass'd.

 

by kaufman
5-22-03
I love you.
I also love you.
There's only one way to decide who will win my hand in marriage and who will father the human race. First one to Earth wins.

 

by kaufman
5-22-03
How can we race to Earth? We have no ship.
Let's check out that shop that opened up in the next panel.
WELCOME TO LAUNCH AND LAUNCH MILLENIUM LAUNCH!!! I CAN LAUNCH YOU, BUT I ONLY HAVE ONE SHIP. YOU'LL HAVE TO SHARE!!!

 

by kaufman
5-22-03
Five, Four, Three, Two, One, ...
Liftoff!
Why aren't you screaming?
Remember "Alien?" You just can't hear me.

 

by kaufman
5-22-03
Hey, get a load of this!
We're carrying a smaller copy of our spaceship on board. Inside are probably some mini-usses, and an even tinier ship with some even tinier usses, ad infinitum.
Yeah, and our whole ship is flying in a giant ship and being looked at by some gigantic us.
Far out. Let's smoke another banana.
Here you go.

 

by kaufman
5-22-03
As the rocket landed on Earth, I was faced with a dilemma. How to break the tie?
Solomon was right! I'll divide the prize.
The monkey got my hand ...
Hey! A banana holder.
And now you know why so many of you seem to be descended from asses.

 

by kaufman
5-27-03
December 16, 1903, Kitty Hawk, NC
Please, sir, step over here and remove your shoes.
But I'm already late. I have a flight to catch.
Yo've been randomly selected for a carry-on luggage inspection. I'll have to look through your entire bag.
And that's why the Wright Brothers flew on the 17th.
What? I have no photo ID!
I'm sorry, then, Mr. Wright, but I can't allow you to board the airplane. You'll just have to come back tomorrow.

 

by kaufman
5-27-03
Let there be light.

 

by kaufman
5-28-03
Cassius, we need to kill Caesar. The question is, how to do it, while making it look like an accident?
Brutus, I've told you again and again, quit calling me Cassius. My name is Muhammed. I float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
Whatever ... Sting like a bee. Hmmm ... Caesar's allergic to pollen. We can bring him some flowers, and he'll suffer a fatal reaction.
That might just work. I'll pick you a nice bouquet.
Hi, Julius, I brought you some flowers. I hope you like them.
ACHOOOOO, Brute!

 

by kaufman
5-29-03
Ok, Mittens, go get 'em!
We have to fight THAT? That's not a lion, it's a pussycat.
Yes, but remember, we're Unitarians.

 

by kaufman
5-31-03
I shall bring about the end of the world by foisting upon it the abominations of the 70s: first pet rocks and mood rings, then leisure suits, and finally the Bay City Rollers shall sing again!
Excellent! The ultimate doom!
Check it out. I got this mood ring. It changes colors.
You idiot, you've got it on backwards. You've probably made it into a doom ring.
A doom ring, huh? Uh oh, what does yellow mean?
According to the Department of Homeland Security, it means we're likely in the presence of the antepenultimate doom.

 

by kaufman
5-31-03
Distinguished delegates of the UN: I have good news for you. I have determined the mathematical function representing the probability of the end of the world.
It is a smooth, regular cyclical curve, and we're nearing its low point right now. Rejoice! The ultimate doom is far off. Allow me to illustrate...
I am unable to share in our previous speaker's optimism. What he presented today is indisputably a Sine of the Apocalypse!

 

by kaufman
6-01-03
I did it, boss. It's worse than Minnesota. Horrible lighting, a spongy carpet that bounces baseballs like superballs, hanging speakers all over the place, a roof that's baseball-white ...
Acoustics like an echo chamber, magnificent mildew aroma ... Yes, Mr. Selig, I HAVE CREATED ULTIMATE DOME!
IDIOT! Do I have a funny accent? I asked for the end of the world. ULTIMATE DOOM! We owners are bleeding money. We need Armageddon! Now bring about the Apocalypse!
Sigh, I guess I need to make the Cubs win the World Series. That'll take some work.
All right, I'll give you a 10% bonus.

 

by kaufman
6-04-03
Hey, mister, why are you nailed up there?
2000 years ago I said I'd cause the world to end, so some folks put me up here and protected the nails with Elder Signs so that I couldn't free myself and bring about the ultimate doom.
Hey kid, If you help me down, I'll give you a piece of candy.
Ok.

 

by kaufman
6-14-03
You've been doing good work here at the dry cleaners Washingtons of clothes. You're the Ankara our team. If you Canberra thought, I'm Praguetically Dublin your salary.
I'm Madridiculously happy, Boss; I'm Minsk seventh heaven. I'll call my girlfriend and Caracas open a bottle of champagne.
What Tokyo so Long Sara? Jevonly arrived Seoul late. When I gOttawait, I start to Riyadh, and now I don't want to give my Bucharest.
Sorry I had Tehran late. Let's go, you promised to have dinner with me at the New Delhi, then watch the Full Montevideo with me. There's a Paris strippers in it I can't wait to see.
Hey, Katmandu something! Everyone in this Khartoum is naming capital cities Addis Ababaminable pace. I'm Berlin mad at this Hanoiance!
All right, all right. Amman it like Kabul on Oslo enough to gather Moscow.

 

by kaufman
6-16-03
... rape, arson, murder, robbery, and double homicide. What are you in for?
Insider trading ...
Hell, that doesn't sound too bad. They put you in maximum for that?
... and turning "Proof of Life" DVDs into tasteful centerpieces that everyone would want.
That's disgusting! Bend over, bitch!

 

by kaufman
6-20-03
I'm going to kill you. I'm a hugely popular swiss musician and I'm going to lure you to Switzerland and kill you.
Look at you! You're Berneing!
I'm going to lure you in with a phony email. You won't remember having this conversation because your asleep. You will die in Switzerland.
Are you saying I can run, but I can't Heidi?
I'm serious though. You're going to die at the hands of an insanely popular Swiss musician in Switzerland.
I read a story about a Swiss musician who had to kill his aging dog. It was called "Yo Deller."

 

by kaufman
6-21-03
One day at the Putt Putt ...
Get out of the way, Eddie, I'm about to tee off, and ... JESUS CHRIST! WATCH OUT FOR THE WINDMILL!

 

by kaufman
6-24-03
Grandpa, for your birthday, I want you to experience something you haven't experienced in all your 80 years on earth.
You can try, but I've done it all. Camping in the Kalihari, rock climbing in the Himalayas, running naked through downtown Detroit ...
How about if we take a bit of hair from your beard, clone two copies of yourself with Y chromosomes replaced by copies of your X chromosome ...
I see where you're getting with that, three-ways with my nubile young identical twin sisters. Unfortunately, I already did that during the War, over in Normandy.
Hmmmm ... something nobody's done. How about I just take you to the "From Justin to Kelly" film that opened this week?
Sorry, caught the sneak preview last Saturday.

 

by kaufman
6-24-03
Thank goodness you're here, Hermione. These muggles are driving me bonkers.
I'm here to get you out, Harry. It's your birthday, and we're going to do something special. I'm taking you to the magical land of Arizona.
Yeeeesh! What's that smell?
Ugh, I don't know. It's even worse than Professor Snape's beauty potions.
Dude, check it out. I found a download of "Harry Potter and the Odor of Phoenix." For free!
Sweeeeeet!

 

by kaufman
6-26-03
Senator Thurmond, by my calculations, in your century of living, there are only two things you haven't experienced.
Whazzit?
Being buttraped by a 275-pound black man named Bubba, and dying.
Wellson, ahreckonah tryone.
Moh, y'all.

 

by kaufman
7-07-03
This really happened a week ago, embellished with a wee bit of dialogue, of course ...
What a great trip. We had Papa Dels' pizza for lunch 3 hours ago, and are now in Iowa, on our way to the Field of Dreams, where we'll play some ball before heading on to lovely Des Moines ...
... where we'll spend a day at an amusement park, and then head on, ultimately hitting the Biggest Ball of Twine! But I see we're low on gasoline. I need to stop inside and use the Ladies' room.
Oh, we don't have a Ladies' room here; we just have a unisex bathroom, which you would normally be able to use, except the toilet got all clogged up. There is a man in there right now using the sink.
Oh my god, that is so disgusting ... Oh my god, that is so disgusting ... Oh my god, that is so disgusting ... Oh my god, that is so disgusting ... Oh my god, that is so disgusting ... Oh my god ...
Wait, that look on your face, I know what you're thinking. I need to choose my words better. It wasn't that, honest! He is in there washing his hands. Don't think of me that way.
She had me scared for a moment there. I mustn't think badly of small-town Iowans after all. Instead, I'll just remember this as a most hysterical story. Truth can be stranger than fiction!

 

by kaufman
7-09-03

 

by kaufman
7-09-03

 

by kaufman
7-09-03

 

by kaufman
7-09-03

 

by kaufman
7-10-03
o/` I've got bloodstains in my underwear.
And when I sit down, it hurts my derrierre.
I guess you'd say ...
What can make me feel this way?
Tobor, Tobor, TOBOR! Talkin' 'bout Tobor, TOBOR!

 

by kaufman
7-10-03

 

by kaufman
7-10-03

 

by kaufman
7-10-03
A simple beginning, yes. I chose the Asian girls as they represent the majority of humanity -- the most populous continent, the most populous gender, etc.
Over 450,000 times I have been paraded out to sit in the left half of a comic panel. And half the time, I'm not even used. Boy, my feet hurt. No wonder, one is three sizes longer than the other.
To think I could have had the role of "Cathy." But instead, I took on this one. What a mistake. Every day, I wind up offering blowjobs to total strangers. Let me tell you, I'm fed up with this!
The bland white background begs for color. In act II, I give them personality, something that will be gripping and leave you saying, "I want to know them better."
My name is Mai Lin. I grew up in a family of six in a small town. I have harvested rice since age 5, even though sometimes the monsoon floodwaters would reach up to my eyes. Hence the algae on me.
Absolutely no oral sex, I tell you. I'm through. Do I need to spell it out? N O. M O R E. B L O W J O B S. And I'm not eating that slimy biscuit either. I much prefer lo mein. Or even dog meat.
And now for the Kaufman touch. John Landis had his "See You Next Wednesday." My calling card is a bit different. See how many China puns you can find in this panel.
Want Tibet that I've been Shanghaied into making this comic? It's Mao ore never, I was told, which Confucius me because the Hong Kong of the horn of the car behind me was Peking just then.
Help, I'm being twisted to the author's will! Let me spell it out. Ess you see kay why. Ess you see kay why. Eff eye vee eee. Dee oh ell ell eh aitch! Oh, the humiliation. Oh, the humanity!

 

by kaufman
7-11-03

 

by kaufman
7-12-03
Based on a distressingly true story.
Hey, Maw, can you take us to Dinosaur World?
Yeah, we wanna see the die-no-sawrs!
Dinosaur World is an infamously cheesy tourist trap in Arkansas.
Welcome to Dinosaur World, ma'am, how can I help you?
I need one adult ticket and two children's tickets. But first answer me this question ...
Kids, it's like this. They don't have the REAL dinosaurs here.

 

by kaufman
7-13-03

 

by kaufman
7-13-03
Ticketbastard service charges: $48.
Two $15 seats to Cubs-Reds.
That will be $78.
Parking: $12 .......... Nachos: $7.50
Anyone got tickets?
Dumping your whole beer on Bud Selig's head: PRICELESS.
Woohoo! Home run!
All right!

 

by kaufman
7-14-03
What are you doing?
Just typing in random URLs and seeing what they bring up.
That's a webcam of a guy sleeping.
Yeah, napster.com. These sites are pretty bogus, though they did have some nice eggs benedict recipes at brunching.com.
And ... HOLY SHIT!
I guess it's true you can find anything on the internet. Even God taking his clothes off.

 

by kaufman
7-14-03
Wow, will you get a load of that! I'll need some help down on earth.
Hello ... Jesus, is that you? ... You want me to what? ... Ok, I understand.
An' let me tell you, brothers and sisters, Jeezus Himself is on a special mission and he needs your help. Please send in your donations, so that Jeezus can liberate $25,000,000 from godless Nigeria.

 

by kaufman
7-14-03
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves."
Ha, ha.
Ha, ha.
Ha, ha.
Ha, ha.
We all know exactly what you're talking about.

 

by kaufman
7-15-03
1969
Ha ha, I just gave you cooties.
1971
Ha ha, I just gave you a cold.
1973
Ha ha, I just gave you measles.

 

by kaufman
7-15-03
1980
Ha ha, I just gave you mono.
1984
Ha ha, I just gave you syphilis.
1985
Ha ha, I just gave you a baby.

 

by kaufman
7-15-03
1989
Ha ha, I just gave you herpes.
1993
Ha ha, I just gave you HIV.
1995
Ha ha, I just gave you mad cow disease.

 

by kaufman
7-15-03
2001
Ha ha, I just gave you anthrax.
2003
Ha ha, I just gave you leprosy.
2004
Damn.

 

by kaufman
7-17-03
17
This is KNN. We Zegota begin tonight with some Brad news on this evil_day. Stripcreator.com, known for its high-lattitudechickanery, has coughed its final kaufman, and will be ladyj to rest tonight.
"The quality had just pita'd out and dcomposed; it just wasn't wirthlingering around anymore," opined Jaeleno. But a crabby user lamented, "I'll miss the regulars; I was used to habnem around."
The Pope issued a statement: "Obijoyous; don't booritenow - the site has passed the pearly gates, and it will be spectaculara7 laughs." A wake will be held at TheElPaso DexXas mortuary.

 

by kaufman
7-18-03
... And the moral of the story is:
Hare today, goon tomorrow!
So we're just supposed to stand around this biscuit and masticate?
Yeah. Keep at it -- I'm sure that's what Andy told me.
Seventeen hamburgers, five orders of fries, and two cokes. That will cost you ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Showing page 29.

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