All comics by Savage

Profile

 

by Savage
7-18-04
ooohhh... what happened?
Damn! Not again!
I really have to stop mixing 20 year old Quaaludes with Absinthe!

 

by Savage
7-22-04
Wow, look, Ed. We're right back where we started.
Wow. Can you feel the nostalgia, brother?
I guess here is where I say something stupid.
Yes, and then I put you down with one of my patented cliche-type sayings.
I have performance anxiety, Ed. I think I just wet my pants.
I'm telling mom.

 

by Savage
7-26-04
Ed! You're in my dream?
Yes, Fred. Wanna see something scary?
Eeeek!
Ha Ha! And for my next trick...
Nooo! Don't erase me!
Bwahahahaaaaa!

 

by Savage
7-26-04
Oh no! Where am I?
Fred! Fred! Wake up, bro!
Oh Ed! I was so scared! That was the worst nightmare ever!
I guess you'll think twice before eating 14 enchiladas right before bedtime again.
From now on, I'll stick to bourbon after six p.m.
Right. If you don't take care of your health, who will?

 

by Savage
8-03-04
*sigh* Moving the furniture around doesn't help. I need to completely change my life.
Maybe I should join a religious order.
Or succumb to my dark side. Yeah!

 

by Savage
8-05-04
Bro, I sense a great disturbance in the force.
Shut up, freak. Did you eat all the popcorn?
No, really! I feel that our lives are in jeopardy!
Damn it! I told you that thirteen enchiladas were about ten too many!
I'm... I'm... I'm fading. Hold my hand, Ed!
Oh crap. Not again. I'll dial 911. While I'm gone, try not to inhale your own vomit, okay?

 

by Savage
8-05-04
The sky's on fire, Tommy.
No shit, Timmy.
What does it mean, Tommy?
Well duh. The world as we know it is coming to an end.
Oh. I was going to get us some pizza. Should I wait?
Yeah.

 

by Savage
8-09-04
What the hell?
Give me that pencil!
Listen up, little missy! If you ever pull something like that again, I'll kick your ass from here to Tijuana!
Yes, ma'am.

 

by Savage
8-10-04
Oh, look Ed! Everything is back to normal!
Yeah, Fred. I don't mind admitting that I was kind of scared there, for a minute or two.
Why do things like that happen, Ed?
Well, Fred, some folks would say it's because there is someone up there who is always watching us, and who controls our every move.
Like Santa Claus?
More like the Tooth Fairy. She'll give you something nice, but she wants to rip something out of you in return.

 

by Savage
8-15-04
Now, now, honeybunch.
But she almost destroyed us all!
But everything's all right now, isn't it?
I guess. But I hate to think that someone has that kind of power to control us like that.
Heh heh. You're so sexy when you're riled up.
Oh damn. All right, I'll put on the Janet Reno costume. But this is the last time!

 

by Savage
8-16-04
Ed! Guess what I just heard? There's going to be a drunkard's convention in Las Vegas!
Woo hoo! We've got to go to that!
I'm going to go and pack right away. This is so exciting!
I'll charge up the camera. I still feel bad that we forgot to take pictures at Disneyland.
Las Vegas! We should sleep in a park right by one of the big casinos.
No, no, my dear brother. This time, we do it in style. We'll stay in a hotel! Now you go and pack, and don't forget the vodka!

 

by Savage
8-16-04
Oooh, Ed. I think the bus fumes are making me sick.
You just need something to take your mind off your stomach. Here, read this.
Modern Drunkard Magazine? Cool! Where did you get this?
The busdriver lent it to me. He says it's his bible.
Look! It has an article about the classy way to vomit.
P.J. O'Rourke always cracks me up.

 

by Savage
8-16-04
Wow! Las Vegas! I feel like I died and went to heaven!
Steady on, bro. It's a common-enough reaction. Have another swig of bourbon.
Whew! That's better. Hey, you know, I kind of expected Las Vegas to be all lit up with flashy neon lights, like in the movies. But it's actually kind of drab. I don't see any lights.
That most likely would be because it is eleven o'clock in the morning, oxy-dep boy.
Oh. So it's daytime? I get confused sometimes.
We'd better check into our hotel, before the sun fries what's left of your brains.

 

by Savage
8-29-04
Hi, Mister creepy guy; me and my brother would like to check in.
I see. Do you have a reservation?
Oh yes! Only I forget what name I made it under.
No problem. I'll just look it up in the drunken bum file. Oh, Security!
Hey! This isn't a hotel, is it, Ed?
No, my brother. And in about three and a half minutes, that big building over there won't be one either.

 

by Savage
8-29-04
Cool! You always do the best explosions, Ed!
Well, I really hate poor customer service, Fred.
Can we go get some tacos before we find another hotel, Ed?
Sure thing, bro. Though I think the devastation has destroyed about half of the strip, I'm betting that there'll be plenty of available rooms in the remaining hotels when we come back from lunch.

 

by Savage
9-21-04
Where are we, Fred?
Well, I thought we went through the door to the mens room, but we seem to be backstage.
What should we do?
Just go with the flow, I guess. Meanwhile, I still got to find the men's room. Back in a moment, bro.
Hi! Are you in the show?
Oh no! I knew I shouldn't have mixed tequila shooters with Vicodin!

 

by Savage
9-21-04
Hey, I think I'll go get some popcorn. You want some?
Uh, yeah. Sure.
Hubba-hubba!
What are you doing here?
About two hundred bucks an hour. Say, if you lose the sports bra, I could bring the take up to an even three hundred.
I'm going to close my eyes, and when I open them, I'll be back in my cozy little dungeon.

 

by Savage
9-22-04
Hey, Ed. Guess who I ran into?
No. You guess what I just found.
A pony?
No, stupid one. A whole bottle of Absinthe, just sitting by itself! Let us imbibe, my brother.
Wow, this is good stuff, Fred. But I sure would have liked to have had a pony ride.
You know you're adopted, don't you?

 

by Savage
9-22-04
What is going on here?
My brother is taking a swim. Hey, aren't you that creepy guy from the other hotel?
I work at this hotel now. You tell your brother to get out of the fountain, right now!
But it's 115 degrees out, and the lifeguard at the hotel pool wouldn't let us in.
I don't care how hot it is. There's no swimming permitted in the fountain. And for heaven's sake, put on some pants, both of you! This isn't California, you know.
I'm telling Arnold on you.

 

by Savage
10-05-04
Wow, I can hardly believe we made it. The Modern Drunkard convention! Oh no! My flask is empty.
So is mine. I'll get us something to drink at the bar. Don't get into any trouble while I'm gone.
Yeah? What'll it be, scuzzball?
Two bottles of Wild Turkey 101, please.
Two BOTTLES?
Yes. We each need our own drink. My brother slobbers when he drinks bourbon.

 

by Savage
10-05-04
So? Pay up for the booze, already!
Errr, pay? I thought the drinks were free.
Prepare to die, scuzzball.
Can I at least finish the bottle first?
Hey, settle down. I'll pay for the scuzzball's drinks. And I'll have a Glenlivet on the rocks and a Maker's with just a splash of coke.
Why do all the weirdos show up at these conventions?

 

by Savage
10-05-04
There you are, peasant. You may kiss the hem of my robe, if you like.
Wow, thanks a lot for saving me! Are you really a King?
No! He just thinks he is!
Of course. I am King Grumpy. Can't you tell by my regal bearing and ingrained aura of authority?
Who is that woman in purple shouting at us?
My wife. Pay her no attention. She's falling down drunk, and anyway, she's more than a few sequins shy of an evening gown.
Uhm, now she's beating the bartender with an empty champagne bottle. Maybe she needs help?

 

by Savage
10-05-04
Wild Turkey! Thanks, brother.
Well, you better make it last. The booze costs money here, and we're broke. Some King paid for this.
A real King? Ooh, I should go thank him.
I don't think so. Looks like he's got his hands full, dragging his wife out the door.
Ooh. I saw her earlier. She was drinking bourbon from the bottle with a big straw, and doing high kicks on a table. She kicked a security guard in the eye.
But you behaved yourself, right? We don't want any repeats of the incident at Grandpa's funeral. Those stained glass windows were incredibly expensive to replace.

 

by Savage
10-05-04
Look, they're announcing the winner of the drinking contest.
Drat! I didn't get a chance to enter.
And the winner of the Clash of the Tightest is...
O-Gar! O-Gar! O-Gar!
Well, does the loser have anything to say to the crowd?
Oooooooo... Help me....... I'm dying...........

 

by Savage
10-05-04
Heh-heh, this Hazi Palinka's not that strong.
Yeah. I could drink it all night.
Gotta go hurl now.
Right behind you, pally.
Hee hee! Somebody forgot their bottle.
Finders keepers, bro! Down the hatch!

 

by Savage
10-05-04
Hazi Palinka? I never heard of it. It's okay, though. Better than that brass polish I drank last winter.
A little on the weak side, but it'll do.
Wow. I think I might need glasses. You look kind of strange, Ed.
Shut up, and pass me the bottle again, Fred. Hey, I like your dress.
floating...
floating...

 

by Savage
10-06-04
Eeek! Where am I? I want my brother!
How do you do? You must be our guest speaker, Reverend Killjoy. Would you like some dietetic imitation lemonade before your speech?
Good evening, loyal members of MADD. I am now pleased to introduce to you, the world famous temperance advocate: Reverend Cedric Killjoy!
Uh-oh...

 

by Savage
10-06-04
Will Ed come to in time to save his brother?
--------?
Or will Fred stand on stage in wet pants until he is dragged off by an angry mob of teetotallers?
Oops...
For the answers to these, and other compelling questions, tune in tomorrow to the fabulous adventures of Fred 'n Ed.
Funny, I keep hearing some guy talking from the ceiling...

 

by Savage
10-06-04
Suddenly, Fred makes a near-fatal mistake.
Wow. I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I could sure use a stiff drink!
At first, there is but a deadly silence.
Then, mob mentality kicks in, and the MADD-ers rush the stage.
A bottle or two of Wild Turkey would sure hit the spot!
Kill him! Rip him from limb to limb!

 

by Savage
10-06-04
The mob grows uglier.
Wow. I wonder where they got those burning torches and pitchforks?
No more alcohol! Prohibition now!
Fred, you really ought to be leaving about now.
Gee, that sounds like a good idea, Mr. Voice in the Ceiling.
Won't someone please think of the children? Hand out some rocks to those kids!
ARGH! FOILED AGAIN!

 

by Savage
10-08-04
Oh Ed, am I ever glad to see you! I almost got killed!
I can't leave you alone for a moment, can I, Fred?
It wasn't my fault! These terrible people were after me!
You idiot. You wandered into the wrong ballroom. That was the MADD convention in there.
Mad? Boy, were they!
Mom always said you were the stupider one.

 

by Savage
10-08-04
Hey, look. That drunk guy is giving out awards.
Awards for what?
And finally, the award for most disgusting drunk goes to the scuzzball with the paper bag! Let's give him a hand, folks!
Thanks mister. But there's two of us. We're twins.
Two of you! Good God! In that case, I should be seeing FOUR of you! I'm not drunk enough yet! More Scotch, STAT!
Here. Have some of mine.

 

by Savage
10-08-04
Excuse me, do you have a moment?
Can't talk now, sonny. Those slot machines are calling me!
It will only take a minute...
Say, how did you get on this trip? It was supposed to be for senior citizens only.
I...uh... I'm a lot older than I look.
Well, come along then. There's a jackpot with my name on it!

 

by Savage
10-08-04
Granny! What are you doing here?
I'm on the Golden Agers Gambling Club Tour. Oh my, where are my manners? Sonny, I'd like to introduce my new friend, Mr. D.
Hi Mr. D. Nice to meet you.
Most people don't think so--I mean, thanks. Same to you.
So, where are you headed now, Granny?
We're off to the all-you-can-eat buffet. Mr. D says the crab surprise is to die for!

 

by Savage
10-08-04
So, umm...How're you feeling, Granny?
Just fine, dear. Aren't you a lovely young man for asking. You know, my grandaughter is married to a real loser. I'll give you her number; you give her a call.
Are you sure you feel okay? Maybe you'd like to lie down?
Hee hee! Fresh! I'm much too old for such shenanigans!
Uh...
Oh what the heck! Let's see what you're hiding under that robe, cutie!

 

by Savage
10-08-04
Oh Ed, I don't think I should have had that crab for dinner.
Told you so! It isn't supposed to be green and fuzzy, you know.
I really want to play one of those machines, Ed, but I'm almost out of money.
It's okay, bro. I'll go back out and fish some more change out of that fountain. Now remember, while I'm gone, stay out of trouble!
Oh, I'd give ANYTHING to win one of those big jackpots!

 

by Savage
10-08-04
?
Who are you?
Guess. You were saying something about giving anything to win some money?
Well, my brother and I are almost out of vodka, and we were getting a little worried.
No problem. I can guarantee you riches beyond your wildest imaginings. Just sign here...

 

by Savage
10-08-04
I don't have a pen. Say, did the casino redecorate or something?
You don't need a pen. Just hold out your hand.
Ouch! Hey, I'm bleeding!
That's right. Now, just sign your name here, and here, and here. Initial this copy. Thumbprint. Now, stand still and look at the flash.

 

by Savage
10-08-04
Wow, Ed. I just met this weird guy--
Yeah yeah. I got some quarters, and a kid dropped a sock full of nickels. Let's go gamble.
But Ed. This guy, he--
Push the button, lame-o, push the button!
JACKPOT! JACKPOT!
Wow! Look at all that money!
That's just a start! We just won a million dollars!

 

by Savage
10-08-04
We're rich! We're rich!
A million bucks! What I could buy with that!
Did I hear someone say a million dollars? Hellooooo... Oh my God!
Mom!
Mom!

 

by Savage
10-08-04
Oh my god...
Mom! What are you doing here? Where's Dad?
I uhmmm.... I'm looking for a job! As a waitress! Yeah, that's it!
Oh, that sounds nice. You could make a lot in tips.
Yeah. Well, gotta run!
Okay. Hey Mom, why is that penguin following you?

 

by Savage
10-08-04
Wow, it was great to see Mom. Only I tripped and fell down. Luckily, that nice penguin helped me up.
Mom's such a hardworking woman. I hope Dad appreciates her.
Wow. Now we have all the money in the world for drinks.
Party on, dear little brother!
Heh-heh. Waitress! Think they bought it?
Shuddup and give me some quarters. I'm going to try for a car.

 

by Savage
10-10-04
Gosh, I wonder where my wife could be?
I don't know, boss. Haven't seen her around for days.
I sure do miss her. It gets mighty lonely out here alone in the desert.
Well, you got me to keep you company, boss.
Yeah. Say, you are kind of cute. Why don't you go put on the Janet Reno costume, and I'll make us some drinks.
Not again!

 

by Savage
10-10-04
There they are! The evil drunkards who crashed our MADD convention! Throw them out!
Right away, madame. With pleasure.
???
!!!

 

by Savage
10-10-04
Oh no. What shall we do, Ed?
We'd better get going, and fast. Hey, look. Las Vegas has a monorail!
But, remember Disneyland?
I'll be more careful this time. Let's go!
It's okay, everybody. My brother is a really good driver. Would anyone care for a drink?

 

by Savage
10-10-04
Ed, I think something fell off the monorail.
What fell off the monorail?
I think it was the other cars.
Bummer.
Ed, I think we've left the tracks. I think we're flying.
You may be right. Is that a planet I see outside the window?

 

by Savage
10-10-04
Ladies and Gentlemen, the captain has turned on the No Screaming sign. We will be landing shortly.
I'm really good at this. I always wanted to be a stewardess.
Wow! Great landing, bro. Where are we?
I don't know. Hey, I think those people are trying to get our attention.

 

by Savage
10-10-04
Damn! Would you look at that? What a pair of assholes.
They are really hopeless.
Only those morons could crash a monorail in the Mormon's baptismal pool.
You are correct, my brother.
Let's go over there, and see if they'll buy us some booze.
When I find the guy who sold us the bogus fake I.D.s, I'm going to bite his face off.

 

by Savage
10-10-04
Oh look, Billy. Some seekers have come to be accepted into our holy embrace.
Like the one you gave me last night?
We must go greet them, and welcome them.
Shall I fetch the emergency jello mold, Reverend?
Yes. And then leave me alone with these new ones. I must get to "know" them.

 

by Savage
10-10-04
I don't like it here, Ed. That guard was mean to me.
Well, you should have known better than to ask for a salad with ranch dressing on the side, instead of just eating your bologna sandwich and keeping your mouth shut.
Well, we wouldn't even be here if it weren't for you punching out that minister.
Well, call me crazy, but I just don't like having my nipples tweaked.
Can't argue with that.
You're damn right.

Showing page 3.

« Previous Next »