All comics by Zaster

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by Zaster
10-18-04
Man, it smells like bacon in here! Do I look like a sucker to you?
You think I'm a cop? That's rediculous!
Welcome to Dunkin' Donuts! How may I help you?
A dozen chocolate frosting with cream... DOH!!

 

by Zaster
10-31-04
Have you got a match?
Yeah, your face and my butt!
That's a good one. I'll have to remember that!
Say, do you have a lighter I could borrow?
Yeah, your face and my butt!

 

by Zaster
11-07-04
Choose a recurring character that will still be funny after 1,047 uses. _______________________________ Your choices are A: terminally ill comedian...
I'm dyin' out here.
B: "foot up your ass" Jesus...
How can I attain the kingdom of heaven, my Lord?
Accept my size 9 where the sun don't shine, my child!
C: trick question -- no recurring character is still funny after more than 1,024 uses.
My eternal reward awaits!
Actually, I'm just going to cut your head off.

 

by Zaster
11-13-04
Zzzzz....
Zzzzz.... No... Please, no...
You've fallen asleep at the switch! Get away from the switch!
I'm glad you woke me, boss! I was dreaming I was about to be fired.

 

by Zaster
11-13-04
Though I excelled in golf, I decided to join the Young Republicans instead. It was a tough decision, but then in my senior year...
Zzzzz!
Maura?
Zzzzz... No, no!
Maura? wake up!
What a nightmare! I dreamt I was out on a date with this total doof... oh.

 

by Zaster
11-13-04
I'm warning you. Don't come any closer!
Slurp! Glorp!
No! Stay away from me. Eeep!
You'll never believe the nightmare I just had! Gabe?
Zzzz... Seize her, my tentacle beast... Bring her to me...

 

by Zaster
11-14-04
No... No! It can't be!
What a horrible fucking nightmare. I may never sleep again!
I dreamt all the Doom III servers were down!
Son? It's a beautiful day outside...

 

by Zaster
11-18-04
...
I have absolutely nothing sarcastic to say about that.

 

by Zaster
11-26-04
Alright, let's do it. Take me now!
I just can't wait...
really?
...to get this over with!
Oh.

 

by Zaster
11-27-04
Biff, Dave didn't show up. You'll have to give Bob's eulogy.
But -- I didn't really like Bob very much. In fact, I hated his guts.
Well, just think of something.
Folks -- I didn't really like Bob very much. In fact, I hated his guts.

 

by Zaster
11-27-04
Biff, Dave didn't show up. You'll have to give Bob's eulogy.
But -- I didn't really like Bob very much. In fact, I hated his guts.
Well, just think of something.
Rarely have I seen a man beg for mercy with such eloquence. It may comfort you to know that my very first blow rendered him unconscious.

 

by Zaster
11-28-04
I can't believe you've been cheating on me with the pool boy again!
Honey, I swear he means nothing to me!
That's a relief. What was it then? Loneliness? Boredom? Desperation? Let's work this out.
Actually, he's just way hotter and better hung than you are.

 

by Zaster
11-28-04
I mean, who can blame me? You should see this guy naked. He's huge!
I've never seen one so big. And boy does he know how to use it! I've never had so many orgasms in one...
OK, I get it. Thank you.
But you've still got a cuter nose, honey.

 

by Zaster
12-13-04
How do the Christmas decorations look?
I'm the wrong guy to ask, Maura! I hate Christmas.
But how can you say that, Pete?
It all started when I was a kid...

 

by Zaster
12-18-04
I hope you enjoyed the dinner, my dear.
Oh Neal... This has been such a romantic Christmas night. You shouldn't have!
I'm afraid I should have... Because tonight is the night I must tell you my dark secret!
Why always me?
I am the great and terrible Lorgon, 26th level half-elf cleric of Baphomet!
I'll catch a cab home.

 

by Zaster
12-18-04
I hope you enjoyed the dinner, my dear.
Oh Neal... This has been such a romantic Christmas night. You shouldn't have!
I'm afraid I should have... Because tonight is the night I must tell you my dark secret!
If I stare any harder at those bodacious milk wagons, my eyeballs are going to burst out of my head!
I thought you were just surprised alot.

 

by Zaster
12-19-04
I hope you enjoyed the dinner, my dear.
Oh Neal... This has been such a romantic Christmas night. You shouldn't have!
I'm afraid I should have... Because tonight is the night I must tell you my dark secret!
I don't want to hear it.
But it's about...
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA, I'M NOT LISTENING! LA-LA-LA-LA!

 

by Zaster
12-19-04
I hope you enjoyed the dinner, my dear.
Oh Neal... This has been such a romantic Christmas night. You shouldn't have!
I'm afraid I should have... Because tonight is the night I must tell you my dark secret!
Here we go...
I'm a desperado with a bounty on my head and a string of misdeeds to my name. My only friends are my six-shooter and my horse!
Neal, you're an assistant office manager. You work in a cubicle!

 

by Zaster
12-19-04
I hope you enjoyed the dinner, my dear.
Oh Neal... This has been such a romantic Christmas night. You shouldn't have!
I'm afraid I should have... Because tonight is the night I must tell you my dark secret!
Well, whatever it is I'm sure we can...
Oh no, it's too late! I'm... changing! Run Diane, run!
Agh, a were-pirate!

 

by Zaster
12-26-04
MUAHAHAHA! I've got you now! I'm going to chew off your knees and floss with your spinal column!
Uhmm...
What?
I'd prefer you didn't.
Okay, Miss Sissy-Pants! What would YOU rather do?
Ever play Scrabble?

 

by Zaster
12-26-04
Hi, Zaster. Someone told me there was a big New Year's Eve blow-out at your house tonight!
I think you want Zostar's place! That's all the way across town.
Oh.
I was just sitting here alone... wallowing in my depression.
That's certainly awkward. Well, gotta run...
Care for a drink? I just finished the whiskey but I haven't started on the Mad Dog yet.

 

by Zaster
12-27-04
MUAHAHAHA! I've got you now! I'm going to chew off your knees and floss with your spinal column!
Uhmm...
What?
I thought tikis were supposed to bring good luck.
That impression, Madam, stems from the tourist-driven theft of native iconography from the context of its rich cultural heritage!
Is this speech going to take long? I was on my way to the Coconut Club.

 

by Zaster
12-27-04
MUAHAHAHA! I've got you now! I'm going to chew off your knees and floss with your spinal column!
Uhmm...
What?
I'm not buying this at all! Your delivery is stale, your posture is unthreatening, and your ad libs are just doofy and lame.
Don't pull this Prima Donna crap with me, bitch! Who the fuck do you think you are? Merryl Streep?
I can't believe I inhaled the producer's filthy prick for this gig!

 

by Zaster
12-27-04
Well Amigo, it seems they're fixing to hang you at sunrise tomorrow.
I'm sorry. I can't think of a worse way to spend New Year's Eve than contemplating that last round-up.
That's why I'm going to stay here 'til midnight playing showtunes for you on my accordian.

 

by Zaster
1-07-05
Thanks for coming. Are you sure you weren't followed?
Of course!
Wait a minute... how do I know you're not a fed!
How do I know you're not?

 

by Zaster
1-12-05
You're probably wondering why I called you here. The murderer of Lord Bunbury is right in this room. Is it his wastrel son, Lord Bunbury, Jr., who needed his inheritance to pay off debts?
Is it his upstairs maid, with whom he shared one night of love thirty years ago that resulted in issue? Is it that issue, who arrived here just last night on a boat from Inja? Is it Lady Marbury?
Is it her brother, the Duke of Earl, or one of the rent boys he regularly hires? Is it Rickets, the chauffeur with the shady past? Is it Pierre LeCirque, international art forger and blackmailer?
Or was it, mayhaps, someone else? I think the answer will surprise most of you just as much as it surprised me when I realized it. The murderer of Lord Bunbury is-- GREAT SCOTT! THE LIGHTS! AAHH!!
...and that's why I had to kill him. He just wouldn't shut up!
We'll argue justifiable homicide!

 

by Zaster
2-04-05
Hi, I'm new! Wanna be friends?
With you? Yeah right!
We could play with my Megazord Rocket Ranger and my Galaxy One Class A Star Destroyer!
As if. Beat it, you little geek!
Sorry, Megazord. It looks like its just you an me!
I'll warm up the hyperdrive engines.

 

by Zaster
2-04-05
You just crossed into a toll zone, kid. Fork over your lunch money or I'll rearrange your face!
Hey, what are you looking at me like that for? C'mon, cut it out!
Alright, here! -- take MY lunch money. Just quit it with the eyes, already!
Score!

 

by Zaster
2-05-05
Are you still working on homework, Sis? You'll be late for your abduction!
Abduction?
Your alien abduction. I traded you to the Grays for a next generation cellphone!
Aliens make cellphones?
We prefer the term "mind control induction unit".

 

by Zaster
2-20-05
I take you back to my place. We start talking.
You can't help but notice that my PC is a home-brewed, dual core workstation with enhanced PCI graphix and water-cooled case!
You gasp in amazement. Your body starts to tremble as I boot Linux from a custom compiled...
This is the worst cybersex ever.

 

by Zaster
2-20-05
Listen to the loons calling from across the lake, Maura! Isn't it romantic?
Jesus is returning in a UFO!
Spiders! Spiders everywhere get 'em off me!
No, not particularly.

 

by Zaster
3-23-05
Cynthia totally wants me!
How do you know?
I can just tell!
You mean even without any indications to that effect WHATSOEVER?
It's a gift!
Did you keep the receipt?

 

by Zaster
4-09-05
An instant message from Penny! What's going on, Penny?
Doug, turn on channel 23! The best ever documentary about the paranormal is on.
OK. Wait...
It's hard to believe all that stuff really happened... right in the middle of New York City!
Um, you're watching Ghostbusters, Penny.
There's a special about the Men in Black coming on next!

 

by Zaster
4-09-05
"More bang for the buck!"
What do you think?
I'm not convinced that hookers NEED slogans.

 

by Zaster
4-10-05
I'm tired of all these cartoon strips portraying me as nothing more than a dumb blonde.
It's such an ugly sterophile!
Don't you mean steroTYPE?
I think it's a Sony. Why do you ask?

 

by Zaster
4-10-05
At last, the stars are right! I awake from my eons-long sleep to rise from the watery depths and reclaim the planet.
Bow before the mighty Cthulhu, ape-spawn!
You're much shorter in real life.
Lovecraft was prone to exaggerate... big deal!

 

by Zaster
4-15-05
Professor! Have you really found a way to rescue us from the island?
Perhaps, Ginger. You see, I've constructed a tramp steamer from coconut shells and dried monkey scat!
That sounds hot. Mary Anne and I were wondering if you'd like to come rescue us from our loneliness!
Certainly. However, I think you should know that Gilligan is starting to suspect the nature of our relationship!
The professor gets all the pussy around here! Well, ALMOST all...
*sigh* -- I wouldn't mind so much, except I'm afraid my kids are going to come out stupid!

 

by Zaster
4-16-05
Water dissolving, and water removing. There is water at the bottom of the ocean!
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean. Remove the water from the bottom of the ocean!
That's the last time I call the David Byrne advice line!

 

by Zaster
4-20-05
Master, tell me -- how may I transcend duality and attain the one?
One cannot transcend duality. Nor can one NOT transcend it.
But what does that mean?
It has no intrinsic meaning. Nor is it without meaning.
OK, you're just fucking with me now, right?
Heh! Got me.

 

by Zaster
4-20-05
Before I can truely instruct you, I must first bludgeon you within an inch of your life!
Wha... WHY?
Because, only then may you understand the true nature of suffering!
Also, it will purge my mind of the disdain I feel towards you!
Are you sure? Most people find that doesn't do it for them.

 

by Zaster
4-21-05
Master, I have become enlightened! I have achieved liberation from desire!
That's wonderful! But why aren't you wearing any...
Pants! I've transcended the desire to wear pants!
I think you might be missing the point of...
I feel so free! I must share this teaching with the world!
Um, OK -- just do me a favor and please don't mention my name.

 

by Zaster
4-29-05
And this is my bedroom. You know, where all the magic happens!
Hint, hint!
For the last time, I do NOT want to join your geeky gaming club!

 

by Zaster
5-10-05
Bro, check out my new tattoo! The knuckles on my left hand spell out F.D.M.Y.
What does that mean?
It stands for "Fuck Da Man, Yo!"
Um, that last letter looks like a "V", not a "Y".
Oh... You're right... It stands for "Fuck Da Man Vigorously?"
Word. That's some eloquent shit right there!

 

by Zaster
6-23-05
So, I understand you're a music major.
Yes. I play the oboe and the bassoon.
I can make trumpet noises with my mouth. Want to see?
Um, here?
BWOWNT BRRRP BRRRP BRRRP BWOWNT!!
I have another date to go on tonight. Could you drive me home?

 

by Zaster
8-07-05
My family and I are here to ask for your representation.
What is it you do?
We degrade ourselves in the grossest, most apalling ways, and yet... get this.. we call ourselves the aristocrats!
Vaudeville is dead, Ma'am.
No, you fool -- we're the Hilton family! We need someone to produce our reality series.
Oh yeah. *Snif*. I'm so coked out of my mind I forgot where I was.

 

by Zaster
8-08-05
Boner Man, Boner Man -- friendly neighborhood Boner Man...
Is he big in the pants? Yes, he's sporting a mighty lance...
Look out -- here comes the Boner Man!
Do I know you?

 

by Zaster
8-08-05
Oh god -- your horrible death dealing claws are raking through my tender flesh!
Now your glistening fangs are sinking into my helpless frame and pulverizing my bones!
I haven't even touched you yet.
YOU MEAN IT GETS WORSE!?

 

by Zaster
8-12-05
OK, stop me if you've heard this one -- Bill Gates, a nun, a monkey, and a Norwegian bob-sledder walk into a bar....
What order does the nun belong to?
Franciscan.
Is the monkey a new-world or old-world variety?
Old-world.
Heard it!

 

by Zaster
8-13-05
I've won! I found the golden ticket!
Children - welcome to my chocolate factory! Enjoy your visit but remember to follow the rules or you may "disappear".
Umpa dumpa dumpity dee... Bad little girls must die hor-rib-ly...
I just wanted some @$&% gum!!
You're turning your chocolate factory over to me?
I need to do some "disappearing" myself. The FBI, OSHA, and the Immigration Department want to turn this place upside-down!

 

by Zaster
9-06-05
Hi folks -- Bob Denver here! You remember me as that skinny ass-bite from Gilligan's Island. But I was also Dobie Gillis' beatnik pal, Maynard G. Krebbs!
Of course, I never did LSD or mushrooms, or wrote any deep poetry, or thought about life in any kind of meaningful way.
I was a pretty shitty beatnik.

Showing page 3.

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