All comics by biped

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by biped
4-24-04
Inspector Tex closes in
Don't let it worry you none, Inspector Tex...l've heard tell even the great Salvador Dali had problems performin' now and then.
It's just this dang case I'm on, Belle...it's got me all hog-tied "down there."
Well, there's worse things that could happen to you, I reckon. Like havin' a full-growed cow shoved up your ass sideways.
Yep, I reckon.
Later, at the general store...
"Stay-Hard" creme? Hmm, seems lak I had a tube of that somewheres...
It's fer a friend of mine. He's been -- hey, hold on a dang minute --

 

by biped
4-24-04
Case closed
What'd you do it fer, Belle?
That sidewindin' polecat Pete tried to stiff me after I done give 'im the Giddy-Up Special. So I went surrealistic on his ass.
Well, another case solved, Inspector Tex. And a humdinger at that.
Yep. I reckon I'll never be able to look at a cow the same way agin.
I shore am gonna miss ya, Belle. Nobody could herd a head of beef up the old lonesome trail like you.
Heh...'member the time I made ya laugh, and milk shot out'n yore nose?

 

by biped
4-24-04
That's the last straw! OW! OW!

 

by biped
4-25-04
Here, we are allowed to witness the creative process...and the birth of a new Stripcreator character.
Hmm...I think I'll create a new character based on...on... Porky Pig.
Only I'll call him...DORKY Pig! Ha-ha!
And instead of a pig, I'll make him a dog. That'll be more original.

 

by biped
4-25-04
Now I'll choose a dog from the available dog characters, and he'll be Dorky Pig.
How about this dog?...Or perhaps this one?
I'm not a dog, I'm a coyote, numb-nuts.
Hmm...this coyote could be Dorky Pig's sidekick. I'll call him "Dickey Mouse." Ha-ha!

 

by biped
4-25-04
And now that my characters are established, I can begin their comic misadventures.
"INTRODUCING...THE MISADVENTURES OF DORKY PIG AND DICKEY MOUSE" by Dustin.
"Dorky Pig" -- and I'm a dog. What's that about?
"Dickey Mouse"? What the fuck, over?
Wha -- oh, great. I guess he expects us to go in there.
Fuck that! I'm staying out here!

 

by biped
4-25-04
Well, surprise -- here we are inside the haunted house.
If anything jumps out at us, I'm swear I'm just gonna shit!
Oh, it's only a comic strip. Let's see what Dickweed comes up with next.
What if he can't think of anything? What'll we do then?
Beats me -- I have absolutely no idea what this "Dorky Pig" character's motivations are.
I think "Dickey Mouse" is just supposed to be scared shitless all the time!

 

by biped
4-25-04
Heck -- I can't think of anything for them to do inside that haunted house.
Ah, screw it -- I'll just put them in the "happy place", and make them both flaming homos.
"I love you madly, Dickey-sweets... let's have hot, sweaty anal sex right now." -- Oh for fuck's sake, now what's this?
"I yearn to passionately fellate your weiner, Dorky-poo." -- OH MY GOD! Somebody kill me! PLEASE, just fucking KILL ME!

 

by biped
4-25-04
I've had enough of this shit. It's time we took control of our own destinies.
Yeah! And I really, really don't want to fellate your weiner, either!
There...that's better. Now we can live out the rest of our lives in this idyllic paradise, and not be called "Dorky" or "Dickey."
And be a dog and a coyote like we're supposed to be! And have sex with girl dogs and girl coyotes! Oh, boy!
...WHAT THE FUCK?

 

by biped
4-25-04
This Stripcreator-User Control Pad is cool. I'm using it to make you read this word balloon right now. And if I press A and B at the same time...
...you are compelled to proceed to the second panel, heh-heh-heh! Oh, you're really in my power now, muppethead.
What kept you? HA-HA! Now I simply press the red button, and you must leave me alone and go do something else. OBEY ME NOW, DORK!

 

by biped
4-27-04
1.
Join me behind the barn for some sex, my dear?
Oh, COME ON -- let's try to be a bit more original than bestiality, shall we?
2.
Them shore wuz good grits we had fer breakfast this mornin', Maw.
Them weren't grits, Paw. Them were young Jasper's zit squeezin's.
3.
Yum-yum! Those farmers sure grow nice big hamburger patties in their hamburger patty patch.
That's not a hamburger patty patch. It's where I go to take a nice big steaming shit, dumbass.

 

by biped
4-27-04
1.
Guess what, Paw? I'm a-gonna have yore next young'un AND grand-young'un at the SAME DANG TIME!
2.
Them hormone pills I bought from that travelin' salesman er a-kickin' in, Paw. Best git them britches off.
3.
PAAA-AAAAA PAAA-AAAA!
Oh, COME ON...

 

by biped
4-27-04
Yes? What can I do for you?
My girlfriend just found a human foot in her barbecue sandwich.
...and?
"AND" this is totally unacceptable, "AND" we want satisfaction RIGHT NOW.
...okay. I'll get one for you, too. But I can't guarantee that they'll be a match.

 

by biped
4-27-04
What a disgusting dump. Where the hell do you yokels get your meat from, anyway?
It's...uh...driven in from out of state.
Well, I want to see your food preparation area right now. There just might be a lawsuit in the offing here.
It's...uh...right behind you.
Where? I don't see anything but a couple of meathooks.
Well, if you insist...I'll give you the "cook's tour."

 

by biped
4-27-04
NO! NO! DON'T KILL ME! Here, I'll...I'll give you twelve dollars! I'll give you my library card! I'll give you an unused condom...RIBBED!
I already have a library card.
Your boyfriend? Nope, haven't seen him. *BURP*
Oh, that dweeb. He must be hanging around here somewhere.
I swear, he'd lose his head if it weren't attached. What a meathead. I'd dump him if he weren't such a beefcake.
Slow down, please...too many set-up lines for me to deal with all at once...

 

by biped
4-27-04
GAAA!!! You're going to KILL me, aren't you?
To put it bluntly, yes.
If you let me live -- I'll have sex with you!
Er...I'm afraid I accidentally chopped off my genitalia this morning. Remember that hot link you just ate?
EWWW!!!! KILL ME!!! HURRY UP AND KILL ME!!!
Well...at least I threw in those two extra-runny soft-boiled eggs for free...

 

by biped
4-27-04
Yes? What can I do for you?
My girlfriend just found an unused condom in her barbecue sandwich.
Ribbed?

 

by biped
4-28-04
Oh, boy...I love to read "Creepy Crab" comics.
Excuse me...do you have the new "Creepy Crab" comic?
Uh...no.
What's that behind your back? Is that the new "Creepy Crab" comic?
NO! IT'S THE NEW "SHUT UP OR I'LL KILL YOU AND CHOP YOU UP INTO LITTLE PIECES" COMIC!
Oh. Umm........ ............ ............ .......... err............... ........ ......... uhh......... ........ .......... .......... .......... What issue?

 

by biped
4-28-04
Silly...there's no such thing as "Shut Up Or I'll Kill You And Chop You Up Into Little Pieces" comics. I just said that to get rid of you.
Oh. So that IS the new issue of "Creepy Crab", then?
Yes. But this is the only copy we have left and you can't have it.
Well...would you read it to me, then?
Sure. I'll even act it out for you. Here, I'm just coming to the part where the comics store clerk grabs an axe and kills the guy in the blue shirt.
Cool. Is he a new character?

 

by biped
4-28-04
"And so, Creepy Crab, the Crab of Steel, girded his mighty loins for a fierce to-the-death battle with Nefarious Lester..."
Oh boy! I love Nefarious Lester! He's the most evil bad guy EVER!
"But first, Nefarious Lester had to go to the bathroom really, really bad."
Huh?
That's what it says. And there's a picture of him dashing into a public restroom with stink lines coming out of his butt.
Wow! It must be all those chili-cheese burritos he ate in the last ish!

 

by biped
4-28-04
Ah-ha...a flashback. It appears he bathed those burritos in radiation before he ate them. "And now, armed with a deadly arsenal of lethal, radioactive turds..."
I shoulda KNOWN! That's just the sort of dastardly scheme Nefarious Lester would come up with!
Uh-oh...looks like he scored a direct hit. Creepy Crab's grabbing his mouth...he's gagging...he's throwing up.
Yay! Is it his special patented anti-bad guy corrosive acid throw-up?
No...it looks like masticated brussels sprouts.
NO! Not his SUPER-SECRET ENERGY SPROUTS!

 

by biped
4-28-04
"Now utterly bereft of his mighty crab-powers, Creepy Crab staggers into a nearby Jiffy Mart and lurches toward the produce section..."
...and casts the magic power spell of the planet Krab-ton over a heap of fresh brussels sprouts!
"OH, Krab-ton's power...bright and keen! Fortify these spheres of green!"
"With vitamins of A and C! OH, mighty Krab-ton... TRANSFORM ME!"
Oh, wow. Now he's ripping Nefarious Lester a new asshole all over the centerfold. A classic Jim Steranko moment. Awesome.
NO FUCKING WAY! YIPPEE! THAT'LL TEACH HIM TO FUCK WITH CREEPY CRAB'S SUPER-SECRET ENERGY SPROUTS!

 

by biped
4-28-04
"And so, at long last...the city is safe...its innocent citizens free to go about their lives in peace once again...thanks to Creepy Crab."
Wow! Thanks for reading it to me, dude! Now I don't have to buy it! HA-HA!
Thought he'd never leave. It's hard making all that shit up on the spot.
"And so, at long last...Creepy Crab had talked the beautiful Wendy Wayne into giving him a big, sloppy blowjob..." Oh man, I'm so glad they finally deep-sixed the friggin' Comics Code...

 

by biped
4-29-04
RAAAAAR! TOBOR COME TO CORNHOLE!!!!
Holy Powdered Hyena Semen! How'd you get in here?
TOBOR FIND KEY UNDER WLECOME MAT. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF TOBOR, THE RED ROBOT RUMP RAPIST?
I don't believe I have.
Tell everyone the play's on again, Bobby! I think we've just found our Eliza Doolittle!

 

by biped
4-29-04
1.
I'm sorry, sir, but due to your persistent nonpayment, I'm going to have to repossess the "Coop-Fresh" air circulator.
Dern...that really blows.
2.
...I'm going to have to repossess the milking machine.
Dern...that really sucks.
3.
...I'm going to have to repossess the Accu-Jac.
Dern...that REALLY sucks.

 

by biped
4-29-04
Jan...am I adopted?
Uh...no, Cindy. I remember when Mom had you. She was in labor for two weeks.
Bobby...am I adopted?
Heck, I don't know. Have you seen Tiger? I can't find him anywhere.
Greg...am I adopted?
Yeah. Sam the butcher knocked Alice up one year at the Meat Cutters' Ball, and Mom and Dad took you off her hands for ten years of free maid service.

 

by biped
4-29-04
Hey, Greg...guess what? I joined Junior Law Enforcers at school today!
Great. My own brother...a friggin' narc.
Now, Greg...this is fine news for Bobby. Why, he may even grow up to be a policeman someday.
Oh, goody. Maybe he'll arrest you for being such a fucking dork, Dad.
Bobby...give me back that acid you found in my underwear drawer this morning.
Acid? I thought it was chewable vitamins and took 'em -- OH MY GOD! SHITFUCKPISS -- THE COLORS ARE HURTING MY SKIN!

 

by biped
4-29-04
Darn it, Marcia! Why do the boys always like you better?
Gee, I don't know, Jan...have you tried wearing more makeup?
It's not fair, Mom! Marcia always gets more attention than me!
Did you say something, Jan? I'm sorry...I was just thinking about how adorable Marcia is!
Alice, maybe you'll understand. How do I get the boys to notice me?
Well, dear...you'll just have to suck and fuck their brains out before they get a good look at you. And make sure the lights are off, too.

 

by biped
4-29-04
DAMN, Marcia. You lookin' fine-ass FINE tuh-DAY. UH uh-UH.
*Gasp* SHUT UP, Greg! How CREEPY!
MOM! Greg's acting positively GOOFY today! Like...like he wants to DATE me or something!
Oh, Marcia! I'm sure he's just pulling your leg. I'll have a talk with him.
Greg, could I have a word with you, please?
DAMN, Mom. You lookin' fine-ass FINE tuh-DAY. UH uh-UH.

 

by biped
4-29-04
Hi, Mr. Spankler. Do you need your lawn mowed or anything today?
Why, Peter Brady! I haven't seen you in a gerbil's age. Come on in, dear boy!
So, like, what are those long, shiny things over there? They look like big bottle rockets but there aren't any fuses on 'em.
Oh, the fuse is LIT, my dear Peter! And if you'll join me in my rumpus room, I'll show you how to see ALL the lovely fireworks!
Whew...gee, Mr. Spankler, that was super-intense. I didn't know you were an amateur chiropractor.
Heh-heh, yes, well, don't tell Mom and Dad. They may not approve of my little "vocation."

 

by biped
4-29-04
RAAAAAR! TOBOR COME TO CORNHOLE!!!!
Holy Powdered Hyena Semen! How'd you get in here?
TOBOR FIND KEY UNDER WLECOME MAT. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF TOBOR, THE RED ROBOT RUMP RAPIST?
I don't believe I have.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm expecting guests. And I haven't even finished building the makeshift plywood pillories yet.

 

by biped
4-29-04
Sometimes I don't feel like a real member of this family at all...like I was adopted or something.
Oh, but you WERE adopted, Jan! Ha-ha! Right, Cindy?
Thath right, Marthia, ha-ha! Jan wath adopted, nyah nyah nyah-nyah nyah! Jan wath adopted, nyah nyah nyah-nyah nyah!
Shut up! SHUT UP!!! You fucking CUNTS!!!
*sob* Mom, was I adopted?
Oh, of course not, Jan dear. Why, when you passed through my birth canal on that beautiful, magical day, it felt like I was shitting a fucking water buffalo.

 

by biped
4-30-04
Has anybody seen Cousin Oliver lately?
EWW...that super-creepy TROLL! I caught him with his HEAD buried in my PANTY DRAWER yesterday!
Mike...the kids are worried about Cousin Oliver. He hasn't shown up for milk and cookies all day.
Oh, I'm sure he's around somewhere, Carol. You know how kids are.
Now, Oliver...all you have to do is submit to a few more special "endurance" trials and you'll be an official Brady.
NO, DAD! PLEASE! NOT THE ANCIENT SPARTAN RITUALS OF MANHOOD AGAIN!

 

by biped
4-30-04
Oh, my god!
Guess again. Sorry for crashing through your front door like that. I like to make an entrance.
What are you doing here?
I am going to spawn a son here on Earth. And I've chosen you to give birth to him.
Wow! That's a hell of a pick-up line! I trust you're taking me to dinner first, at least?
I would, but I just took the liberty of eating your dog. How about some pie?

 

by biped
4-30-04
WAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! KILL YOURSELF.
Yes, Kramien. It's for you, Kramien.
Eat me.
Mmm...okay!
Heh-heh...GIDDY-UP!
CRUNCH!!! CHEW!!! SLURP!!!

 

by biped
4-30-04
Kramien, it's your turn for Show and Tell.
Whoa, yeah! K-man likes Show and Tell! K-man's gonna knock your socks outta your ass today, baby!
This is my pet, Scruffy! He kills and eats everyone who stands between me and world domination! Speak, Scruffy! Speak!
GRRAAARRR!!!
That's AWFUL! Get that horrible thing out of my classroom at ONCE!
KILL 'ER, SCRUFFY!!! EAT 'ER ALIVE!!!

 

by biped
4-30-04
Oh, my! I'm certainly not going to grade you very highly for this!
GGRRRAAAARRR!!!!
CRUNCH!!! CHEW!!! SLURP!!!
YEAH! Feast, Scruffy, feast! Suck 'er down like a Junior Mint!
Well, she's dead! Come on, kids, let's go play video games!
YAY!!! KRAMIEN FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSE!!!

 

by biped
4-30-04
Hey, Kramien! The guys're havin' a keg party tonight! Let's go get shit-faced and try to pick up some girls!
Leave K-man alone! K-man is busy using the internet to lay the groundwork for his future domination of the world!
GAA-ha-ha!!! What a geek! Dude, you KILL me!
No, YOU kill you.
Yeah! ME kill me! For some reason, walking in front of a speeding train suddenly sounds so awesomely fucking COOL! Check ya later, GEEK!
'Bye. Say hi to Dad for me!

 

by biped
4-30-04
Oh, I'm so PROUD of my widdle Kramien! Ruler of the entire world! King of all he surveys! Undisputed emperor of --
SHUT UP, MOM!
OKAY, everybody! Go out and KILL!!! KILL each other!!! KILL yourselves!!! KILL EVERYTHING!!! KILL!!! KILL!!! KILL!!!
Ah, what sweet music to mine ears. How my black heart swells to the point of bursting with the exquisite sin of pride as his melodious words flow like --
SHUT UP, DAD!

 

by biped
4-30-04
SHU -- YOU...tell...ME...to SHUT UP?
YOU BET YOUR BIG, RED, FUCKING ASS, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS!!! NOW GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!
YAAAY!!! EVERYTHING'S BLOWIN' UP!!! EVERYBODY'S GETTIN' KILLED!!! COOL!!! FUCKING COOL!!!
Well, everyone's dead...everything's destroyed. And now, I can just draw pictures of naked girls having sex with each other, and lay around jerkin' off to 'em all day long.

 

by biped
5-01-04
Hey mister, do you like football?
No. A fifty-yard overtime field goal attempt hit me right in the balls once.
Oh. Do you like baseball?
No. A hard line drive into center field in the ninth inning with the bases loaded hit me right in the balls once.
Oh. Well, then...how about bowling?
No. No, I really, really hate bowling.

 

by biped
5-02-04
PUNY HUMANS, YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR OUR SUPERIOR TECHNOLOGY AND INTELLECTUAL CAPACITY. PREPARE TO --
Oh, shut up.
WHAT? YOU DARE TELL ME TO SHUT UP? YOU PUNY HUMAN --
Fuck you. That "puny humans" shit gets real old after a while, dickhead. And you can take your whiz-bang technology and your whoop-te-doo intellect, and shove 'em straight up your fucking ass.
BUT...WE CAN ABDUCT YOU AND ADMINISTER ANAL PROBES...
So, you're like a high-tech gay prostitute who makes house calls. Golly whillickers, Mr. Intellect.

 

by biped
5-02-04
RAAAAAR! TOBOR COME TO CORNHOLE!!!!
Holy Powdered Hyena Semen! How'd you get in here?
TOBOR FIND KEY UNDER WELCOME MAT. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF TOBOR, THE RED ROBOT RUMP RAPIST?
I don't believe I have.
But then again, I don't have a red robot rump, now do I?

 

by biped
5-03-04
1.
So then, I fustigated my wife for undercooking the waffles.
Was that before or after you bludgeoned her with a fustigate? Speak up, man!
2.
So, your honor, it's quite clear that my client is NOT GUILTY of defacing those library books.
HELL, no! I was knifing a couple of crack dealers in front of Wal-Mart at the time! Just check the surveillance video!
3.
It was fun. He died real good.
Cried like a bitch, too!

 

by biped
5-03-04
1. Dog On Ball as defendant
Ah-HA! And WHAT, exactly, did you say to the victim THEN?
HEE HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND KILL YOU WITH IT!!! VROOM-VROOM!!! ME RACE CAR!!!
2. Dog On Ball as prosecutor
GRRRR!!! YOU AM GUILTY, BUTTFACE!!! MEOW!!! KISS MY BUTT!!!
I CONFESS!!! I CONFESS!!! I KILLED THEM ALL!!! JUST MAKE HIM GO AWAY!!!
3. Dog On Ball as judge
Your honor, I call for a mistrial on the grounds that you are incompetent.
WHOOPS!!! YOU OUT OF ORDER!!! WHOLE SYSTEM AM OUT OF ORDER!!! BOING-BWOING!!! LOOK, ME HOP-A-LONG CASSIDY!!!

 

by biped
5-03-04
Uh-oh...we've wandered into gang territory! I'm scared!
Relax, fraidy cat. Just act like a tough guy and they'll never know the difference.
Act tough? How?
Oh, if they give us some shit, just say something like: "Say, bitch...we're in the market for a couple of sloppy blowjobs. Is your mom on duty, or is this your shift?"
Shortly...
"They'll never know the difference!" Great plan, Einstein!

 

by biped
5-03-04
Uh-oh! I was playing with this gun I found in my dad's closet, and I accidentally blew my little brother's head off.
So?
"So"? My parents said the next time I killed one of my siblings, they'd break my legs!
Aah, just rig up his corpse like a puppet and make him dance around every once in a while. They'll never know the difference.
Shortly...
"They'll never know the difference!" Great plan, Einstein!

 

by biped
5-04-04
JOEY AND JEFF'S TEACHER HAS TAKEN THEM ON A FIELD TRIP TO THE ZOO!!!
THIS SURE IS A GREAT ZOO, HUH JEFF!!! I JUST WISH IT WAS A PETTING ZOO SO WE COULD PET THE ANIMALS!!!
HEY JOEY, I HAVE A SWELL IDEA!!! LET'S SNEAK INTO THIS CAGE AND PET THE GORILLAS!!!
BUT WOULDN'T IT BE DANGEROUS TO PET THE GORILLAS, JEFF!!! WE MIGHT GET BEAT UP OR SOMETHING!!!
NO!!! WE'LL JUST EAT BANANAS AND ACT LIKE GORILLAS AND STUFF!!! THEY'LL NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!!!
"THEY'LL NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!!!" GREAT PLAN, EINSTEIN!!!

 

by biped
5-04-04
Mummy, can I have some pancakes?
We have to wait for Daddy, sweetheart. He will be home any minute.
3 hours later...
Where's Daddy? I want pancakes!
Where the hell is he?
Meanwhile, on the other side of town...
The cloning process is almost complete, Mr. Schwartz. Soon, you will be released.
Yes, well, this "cloning process" of which you speak is currently preventing both me and my family from eating delicious pancakes, sir.

 

by biped
5-04-04
Human cloning is both illegal and immoral. But, more importantly, it's keeping me from eating the delicious pancakes.
Oh, DASH the law! And DASH morality! Soon, the whole WORLD will enshrine me in the pantheon of scientific endeavor!
But, what about the pancakes? I could be eating them right now.
ENOUGH with the pancakes, you fool! I -- HARK! The timer just sounded! The clones are READY!
So then, if we're done here, can I go home now and begin eating the pancakes?
SHUT UP!

Showing page 3.

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