All comics by israphael

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by israphael
11-25-01
So how are we going to get rid of Surly Dragon now that all your other plans have failed?
This time I worked everything out. I guarantee that this rocket launcher I ordered from Acme Industries will do the trick.
I don't even think you could get laid if a sheep caught it's head in a fence. And another thing -
Nice try, bimbos! You missed me! Lucky for you, you didn't hit anyone important... just Israphael.
Is there a doctor in the house?

 

by israphael
11-27-01
You called Father?
It's come to my attention that Earth has become a truly evil place. Be a good lad and go down and destroy it for me. Off you go.
Damn, figures God would go and spoil my fun.. and right after getting George W. elected president. Only one man is bad-ass enough to stop Jesus.
Meanwhile in a trendy hair salon in SoHo...
Finally, you finish each braid by placing one of these little rubber bands on the end.
THANK YOU. TOBOR GLAD SPANKLING TAUGHT HIM HOW TO CORNROLL.

 

by israphael
11-27-01
Sigh... It's such a nice little world. Shame it has to go. What the hell, might as well get this over with.
Hold your horses, stick-boy.
Who are you to defy the son of God?
I am the spawn of the one true source of evil. I'm the son of Bill Gates.
Oh shit! Time for plan B!

 

by israphael
11-27-01
So how do we resolve this? We could fight each other, but since we are so evenly matched, it would be pointless.
I have an idea.
I don't even want to ask.
C'mon, trust me. How about pulling a "Job".
You mean arbitrarily screwing with the mind of some unsuspecting mortal? I like it!
I thought you would.

 

by israphael
11-27-01
Oh Lord, I did what you asked. I glued floppy discs all over my car. What do you wish of me now?
Flap your arms, strut around, and cluck like a chicken.
HA HA HA This is a great idea of yours, Spankling.
Jesus H. Christ, what mischief are you up to now? You get your butt back into heaven right this instant before I smack you!
Aw mom, I was only having a little fun. Besides, it was dad's idea.
Don't you worry, I'm going to have a few choice words with your father when we get back.

 

by israphael
11-28-01
Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to welcome you to the First Annual Stripcreators Christmas Special. We have a lots of entertainment planned. I guarantee it will be a real pantload.
Shortly Tobor and Clango will dance Swan Lake, Attitudechicka will do her knife throwing act, and Gabe will be doing some sort of act with animals. So sit back, relax, and enjoy.
BOOOOOOOOO! GET OFF THE STAGE!
YEAH, YOU SUCK!

 

by israphael
11-29-01
Damn it, Andy! This script of yours is all fucked up. You have the visitation happening after the trip to Bethlehem.
Well, I was trying to go for a Quintin Tarantino-like non-linear plotline.
Just fix it! The audience has no idea what the hell is going on and are leaving.
Sorry, the shoot-out between the manger animals and Herod's troops has been cancelled
That's whack! I was looking forward to seeing Spankling as the Gimp.

 

by israphael
11-29-01
Hey boys and girls it's now time to say hello to that jolly old elf in the red suit! That's right, let's have a big round of applause for Santa Clau-
RAR! RAR! RAR! MERRY CHRISTMAS! BEND OVER AND TOBO- UM- I MEAN- SANTA WILL GIVE YOU A LITTLE HOLIDAY CHEER!
Tobor get off the damn stage! And stop poking everyone with your 3 foot long hydraulic candy cane!

 

by israphael
11-29-01
Well, that was a suprise! I promised that the boys and girls will get to see Santa! And damn it they're gonna see Santa!
But while I track down Santa, I will leave you in the capable hands of Clango who has a comedy routine he assures me will knock your socks off!
Pull my finger.

 

by israphael
11-29-01
The open road calls to me. Every morning before work, I get up, get on my bicycle, and ride twenty miles come rain or shine.
I don't always want to do it. Sometimes I'd like to stay in bed for another hour. But I don't. This routine make me a better person.
-----------------------Got Milk?-----------------------
For one hour every morning, I am truly free. I am a woman. I have dreams. I have goals. I have breasts.

 

by israphael
11-30-01
Honey, these credit card bills will be the death of us.
RRRAAARRR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU NOW!
Relax, sugar. We have a Capitol One card.... Sugar, are you listening to me?
----------WHO'S IN YOUR WALLET!---------
Hey, get off my husband! Didn't you hear? We have a Capitol One credit card!
SCREW THE DAMN CARD! TOBOR CORNHOLES BECAUSE HE LIKES IT! P.S. YOU'RE NEXT!

 

by israphael
12-03-01
Well we're back! And now for one of the highlights of our show, we give you Gabe and His Amazing Ass! Take it a way, Gabe!
That act can't go on right now. The donkey ran away.
Why? Did it finally get tired of the continuous sexual abuse?
No, it wanted top billing.

 

by israphael
12-03-01
While we sort out this little mess, Holly is going to entertain us with a display of martial arts.
Thank you. This evening I'll be doing a series of high kicks.1... 2... 3... 4...
High Kicks! How is that Christmasy? How is that even entertainment?
5... 6... 7... 8...
If they don't stop with these sexually suggestive acts, I'm going to explode.
I think it's already too late. Is it me or did the floor just got stickier?

 

by israphael
12-03-01
It's a little known fact that Brad has a beautiful tenor voice. He has consented to sing "O Holy Night" for us. Thank you Brad.
Thank you. May I have a spotlight please?
AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!
Damn it, Stan! That's the third person to burst into flames! Are you sure you know what you're doing?
I never had any complaints when I worked for Jerry Springer.

 

by israphael
12-03-01
Damn it, this show is going to hell in a handbasket! Israphael go out on stage and stall for time while I fix things!
B... But I ne... never been in front of an audience before. Wh... What do I do?
H... Hello. Tonight... Um.. We are... No, I am... Wait... Uh... What I mean to say is...
That was a short act. I never seen anyone vomit, defecate, and urinate on themself, and then run off crying like a little girl, all in less than fifteen seconds.
I was disappointed it didn't last longer. It was my favorite act of the night.

 

by israphael
12-03-01
Wirth, I really need to finalize the scenery designs for the 'Christmas in Fire Island' dance routine.
Damn it, not now Lady J! Can't you see the whole show is going in the crapper.
Relax, it's just a show. You need to take it easy. Why... one second you're buzzing over yonder... next you're whizzing over there.
Well hell, I think if it wasn't screwed on you would lose your hea...

 

by israphael
12-03-01
Eugene, you look thin. Have you been eating? How are your bowel movements?
MOTHER! I'm a grown man. I'm fine. Anyway, I want you to meet my girlfriend, Maura.
So let me meet the little whore who is stealing my baby boy from me.
Well, that went better than I expected.

 

by israphael
12-03-01
What Eugene saw.
It's a real pleasure to finally meet you. I feel like I already know you, Eugene's told me so many wonderful things about you.
What his mother saw.
Where do ya keep the booze. Travelin' sure makes a gal thristy. What a shithole this town is. Christ, who do you have to fuck to get a drink around here?
What his father saw.
It's the bottom of the ninth inning. The score is tied. Two outs. The count is 2 and 2. It's the pitch. And a hit. It's going... going...

 

by israphael
12-03-01
No one in our family has ever dated one of you hairless monkeys. Oh, we once had a strange aunt who lived with a lemur with a bad case of mange. But we don't like to talk about that.
Yeah, I was a army ranger in 'Nam. One mission I was the only survivor of my platoon and stranded behind enemy lines. Had to walk back 60 miles to camp. Killed 15 vietcong using only a knife.
Please tell me you were adopted.

 

by israphael
12-03-01
It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Eugene. It's reassuring to know that Maura is dating someone so bright and upstanding.
Oh, that's good. I thought you might be upset by the idea of Maura dating outside of her species.
Not at all, in fact I once dated a horse back in my college days.
Great, now he's going to try to convince me how liberal he is.
Come to think of it, you do remind me a lot of him.
That's nice of you to say... Wait a second. Him? That can't be right... Oh.

 

by israphael
12-04-01
So I say to Colin, "Those boys in the Taliban aren't gonna just give themselves up."
Ha, Ha!
What the fuck are you talkin' about.

 

by israphael
12-05-01
Spankling, I'm having trouble meeting production targets this holiday season. I need something to 'motivate' my workers.
I have the solution to your problem right here. Meet the Robo-Flogger Mark II.
Excellent! I have one question though. Why does it look like a penquin?
It runs on Linux.
Linux!! What would people think if they found out that I don't use my own operating system!
Well, do you want something that works or something you have to reboot every hour?

 

by israphael
12-05-01
Meet another one of our resident one-note characters: Stan.
Let's see. You ordered the BLT, a bowl of the clam chowder, and an iced tea. I get your food right out to you.
No one is sure whether he is evil...
Here you are sir, enjoy your meal.
or just incompetent.
AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!
*Sigh* I can kiss that tip goodbye.

 

by israphael
12-10-01
Thanks a lot, Spankling! Even after I told you not to do it, you go ahead and do it anyway and get us thrown in jail! What now, Genius!
Relax, I seen plenty of prison movies. I know how to act in here. Just follow my lead and everything will be OK.
Hey dude...
DON'T FUCK WITH US, MAN! I'M KNOWN AS THE RIGHTEOUS MANSLAYER! AND MY FRIEND IS... UM... HE IS... SENOR GRABBY HANDS!
SENOR GRABBY HANDS!!! What kind of prison nickname is that?
I guarantee that people will think twice before dropping the soap in the shower when you're around.

 

by israphael
12-10-01
Thanks a lot, Spankling! Even after I told you not to do it, you go ahead and do it anyway and get us thrown in jail! What now, Genius!
Relax, I seen plenty of prison movies. I know how to act in here. Just follow my lead and everything will be OK.
Hey dude...
DON'T FUCK WITH US, MAN! I'M KNOWN AS THE RIGHTEOUS MANSLAYER! AND MY FRIEND IS... UM... HE IS... SENOR GRABBY HANDS!
SENOR GRABBY HANDS!!! What kind of prison nickname is that?
I guarantee that people will think twice before dropping the soap in the shower when you're around.

 

by israphael
12-10-01
Thanks a lot, Spankling! Even after I told you not to do it, you go ahead and do it anyway and get us thrown in jail! What now, Genius!
Relax, I seen plenty of prison movies. I know how to act in here. Just follow my lead and everything will be OK.
Hey dude...
DON'T FUCK WITH US, MAN! I'M KNOWN AS THE RIGHTEOUS MANSLAYER! AND MY FRIEND IS... UM... HE IS... SENOR GRABBY HANDS!
SENOR GRABBY HANDS!!! What kind of prison nickname is that?
I guarantee that people will think twice before dropping the soap in the shower when you're around.

 

by israphael
12-14-01
Hi Spanks. How's it going?
Lady J, I just have to show you the really hot outfit that I'll be wearing at the S&M Ball. Wait right here.
Wow, you sound really excited. It must be really great.
Oh, it is.
So that's what you're wearing to the ball. Spankling, you do realize you're crazy?
We prefer being called "psychologically divergent".

 

by israphael
12-17-01
Why do I have to be Mr. Pink?

 

by israphael
12-20-01
Hi Andy, who was that cute girl I just saw you with?
Oh that was my sister.
You two look pretty close.
Yeah, she's been with me at all the important times of my life: my first little league game, high school graduation, the night I lost my virginity, the first time I....

 

by israphael
12-25-01
Well I finally defeated Bill Gates, helped Spankling save the world, and delivered gifts to all the good boys and girls. It's time for a good rest.
Not so fast!
Doctor Who!
That's Correct. You can't take a rest at this time!
You mean there are forces threatening the existance of Christmas in the far future?
No, I need your help fulfilling rule #4.

 

by israphael
12-31-01
Hi I'm Andy Dougan, film critic of "The Evening Times". Tonight I'm going to review "A Beautiful Mind".
Beat it, punk. Everybody knows I'm the only person who deserves using the "Jon" character to portray themselves.
Well if it isn't Israphael. Still trying to be funny using obscure pop culture references?
Better than lame jokes about biscuits and Cameron Crowe.
Looks like the fight heating up.
I wonder how long before they call each other bitch and the slapping, scratching, and hair-pulling begins.

 

by israphael
12-31-01
So what's up with The Ambiguously Gay Duo over there?
That's just Israphael and Andy Dougan fighting over who gets to use the "Jon" character.
I like using the "Jon" character as it fits in well with the loser persona I've cultivated.
If that's the case, then I win. I haven't gotten laid in the last three months.
HA! I got you beat! I didn't get laid all of last year! And you know what, I probably won't get laid this year!
Gotcha!

 

by israphael
12-31-01
Andy Dougan and Israphael take their case to Brad.
Look, I don't want to be confused with this whining low-rent Dennis Miller.
As if soggy biscuits and "yer maw" jokes are major cultural contributions.
If I understand things correctly, you both want characters that better reflect your personas. I can fix that.
I hope you're happy.

 

by israphael
12-31-01
Thanks for inviting me to dinner, Spankling. I really appreciate your help in becoming a real forumuser.
No problem. I'll use any excuse to come here. It's my favorite restaurant.
Hello gentlemen. Tonight's special is venison. We get it so tender by having Norwegian dwarves club a fawn to death with cricket bats.
I don't think I like the idea of dwarves beating my meat.
I do.

 

by israphael
12-31-01
So you want to become a real forum user. That's good. But you must realize that this honor comes with some major responsibilities.
Responsibilities? I don't understand.
As a forum user you serve as a role model to others.
Ha Ha Ha. No offense, Spankling, but you a role model?
Where do you think little perverts come from?

 

by israphael
12-31-01
Have you gentlemen decided what you wish to order?
I... I really don't know...
I'll order for you. We'll both have the number seven.
Here you go, gentlemen. Enjoy your meal.
I like exotic food as much as the next person. But do they have to leave the head on?
The head is the best part.

 

by israphael
12-31-01
So what's up with Lady J? Why is she alway so bitchy.
You're mistaking our on-line personas with real life. Although I play a submissive male, in real life I'm a powerful man with an important job.
SIR, I'M SORRY TO DISTURB YOU, BUT WE HAVE A SITUATION.
What the hell is that?
That's real life calling. I have to go. I'll be back as soon as possible.
What is it now, Lorraine?
Mr. Cheney, the president's head is stuck in the trash can again.

 

by israphael
1-01-02
What Israphael Will Have For Breakfast
I'll be hungover, so I'll have a big bowl of menudo (a soup made of chili, cow's stomach, pig's feet, and hominy) and a couple shots of tequila.
What Matthew Eastaugh Will Have For Breakfast
I'll probably be hungover, so I'll have eggs, sausage, kippers, black pudding, deviled kidneys, and a couple of pints of Guiness.
What Spankling Will Have For Breakfast
I'll be in pain, so I'll be having a pair of Gastone Lucioli black patent leather thigh-high boots with five inch heels in a size nine.
Quit your chattering, worm. And start licking.

 

by israphael
1-01-02
RAR!!! I AM YEKNOD!!! BEND OVER AND PREPARE TO BE CORNHOLED!!!
Ha Ha Ha. That's cute. You're one funny pink donkey.
THINK I'M FUNNY, TWO-LEGS? HOW FUNNY IS WHEN I DO THIS... AND THIS... AND THIS...
OUCH! Stop that, it hurts. If you're doing this then what is Tobor up to?
And when it was over, Pooh and his friends had tea with sweet cakes and plenty of honey. The End.
Yay!! Tell us another story Mr. Tobor.

 

by israphael
1-02-02
What are you watching?
It's a satellite feed from PBS. It shows nothing but children's programming twenty-four hours a day.
Must be for preschoolers with insomnia.
Or for graduate students trying to avoid writing their dissertations.
Why are we watching TV when there is a bed in the room.
Behave.

 

by israphael
1-02-02
OK Tobor. I know it's your first photo shoot, but relax and remember to have fun. Make believe the camera is your lover. Let's see you long for her.
*CLICK* Great! Now let's see you angry. *CLICK* Brilliant! C'mon big red and sexy, work the camera. *CLICK* OK, now your lover's gone, let me see sorrow.
*CLICK* Fantastic! I guarantee you're going to be THE romance novel cover-boy of the century. You'll be bigger than Fabio.

 

by israphael
1-05-02
Oh man, I'm late for work. Honey, you're going to have to give the cat his pills. I left them on the dining table.
Later That Day
This constipation is killing me. Why aren't these pills working? Wait a second, this is the cat's thyroid medicine.
Damn, looks like I have to change the litter box again.

 

by israphael
1-05-02
TOBOR! Get the hell away from me! I don't want any trouble from you.
TOBOR SORRY. TOBOR WANT TO BURY HATCHET WITH SPANKLING. LET TOBOR BUY YOU DRINK.
I suppose there's no harm in that. Wait a second, I don't feel so good. What's happening?
BWA HA HA HA! YOU FELL INTO MY TRAP! I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU MY BITCH, KILL YOU, AND DISPOSE OF YOUR BODY! BWA HA HA HA!
What the hell am I doing here with a shovel in my hand?

 

by israphael
1-09-02
Israphael, did I hear the rules right? We are supposed to write a strip on one of the seven deadly sins, except for lust?
That's right, Lady J. Even though I studied in a seminary, I don't have a traditional concept of sin. I see sin as more of a failing of the personality than of the soul.
People encounter a emptyness in themselves which they try to fill with more tangible things. But no matter how they fulfill their "want", the emptyness remains.
This "want" then becomes so overpowering that it becomes a compulsion that leads you to become blind to the needs of others.
So what do you think? Does personal emptyness and unfulfillable "want" make for a more meaningful model than the christian concept of sin?
Look, I'm trying to write a funny strip here. I "want" you to shut the hell up before I'm compelled to kick your ass.

 

by israphael
1-09-02
So you're, like, all-knowing and stuff. So can you name all seven of the deadly sins?
That would be a simple task, my son. Let's see there is anger, and pride, and... oh yes, envy, and... um...
Not so easy is it, stick-boy?
Yes- I mean No- You're confusing me. The seven deadly sins are pride, anger, envy, greed, and... Did I mention envy yet?
Just admit it, you don't know all seven of the deadly sins.
Screw you, I know all the sins! There is anger, pride, greed, envy, and... and... grumpy, sneezy, and dopey!

 

by israphael
1-11-02
Hey hon, what are you doing?
Shhh... I'm watching Oprah.
Explain to me why Oprah is so popular. It's some kind of girl thing, isn't it?
Oprah is in touch with her feelings. She says no problem can't be solved by opening up and communicating.
YUCK! I feel dirty. Now I gotta go kill something.

 

by israphael
1-14-02
Noticing that half of Stripcreator's User are from the British Isles,
Let's see, what do I know about the British? They like cricket, tea, and the Queen. And the Irish are always angry, drunk, or both.
Israphael decides to write a strip appealing to this audience.
The Scots like to eat disgusting foods and wear those plaid skirt things. And the Welsh... Screw the Welsh, nobody likes them anyway.
G-day, Mates. Today I'm going to do something guaranteed to impress the Sheilas out of their knickers. I'm going to stick my head in a crocodile's mouth, Crikey, That's a big croc!

 

by israphael
1-16-02
I call this meeting of the Donner Party Cannibal Club into session. Is there any new business?
Yes there is a report on our ongoing recruitment drive for new members.
As you know, Spankling has been asked to contact people who might be sympathic to our lifestyle and see if they would like to join us.
Spankling, didn't you have dinner with Israphael a little while back? What did you think of him?
Tasted like chicken.

 

by israphael
1-17-02
TO POKE SPANKLING WITH MY TOOL, I THOUGHT WOULD BE A LARK,
SO ONE NIGHT TO FULFILL MY PLAN, I STROLLED TO THE PARK,
UNFORTUNATELY THERE WAS NO MOON AND IT WAS VERY DARK,
BY DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT, WHO'S STUCK TO MY PRONG, ITSCLARK.
Burma Shave.
Can someone help me here? I'm really hurting here!

 

by israphael
1-19-02
Over the years we've had some really good times.
Yeah, How about the time when I became delirious after a long jog...
How could vomiting possibly be worse than fainting from heat exhaustion?
You don't understand, Chunks is my Dog.
Dude, that never happen to us! And a second thing, you can't just steal someone else's material.
Why not? TV shows do it all the time when they can't come up with anything good or original.

Showing page 3.

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