All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
6-11-01
Excuse me, stewardess ...
Please sit down in your seat and assume the landing position.
But there's a problem, the roof blew off this plane ...
But in spite of the cabin depressurization, no little mask came down for me to put over my face. I demand a full refund!

 

by kaufman
6-11-01
...And how's your voice projection going?
Keen as a peach, Lord Satan! Watch what I can make old Max do...
Out in Max's back yard...
You are suffering from an ear-splitting headache...
Maxwell's silver hammer came down upon his head... Maybe he can hammer out his cauliflower ear too...
Next week I'll teach you an Egyptian rope trick.
Hooray! I'll be able to lasso me a donkey!

 

by kaufman
6-11-01
Not far from Max's back yard...
...And how's your voice projection going?
Keen as a peach, Lord Satan! Watch what I can make old Max do...
You are suffering from an ear-splitting headache...
Maxwell's silver hammer came down upon his head... Maybe he can hammer out his cauliflower ear too...
Next week I'll teach you an Egyptian Rope trick.
Hooray! I'll be able to lasso me a donkey!

 

by kaufman
6-11-01

 

by kaufman
6-13-01
Not me!
Not me!
Not me!
Not me!
Hey, I know you, you're Not Me!
Keep it down, kid!

 

by kaufman
6-13-01
DexX, you slimy-toed rat, did you really expect me to forget?
Eeeew! Happiness IS a warm gun, floppy-ears!
Meanwhile, on a distant planet
Stop that, you're making me red as a beet.
Some date you are.
Thanks for coming; show's over.
Huh? I can't hear you (cheap lemon of a Japanese sound system!)

 

by kaufman
6-13-01
It's fun to stay at the W.
R.
I.
K.

 

by kaufman
6-13-01
Zoe's confusing day...
This is the twelfth night in a row you've refused to kiss me. Is it the make-up on my face?
I'm just not 100% sure it's the right thing to do.
Was it right for me to blow him off like that?
How should I know? I'm just the reincarnation of Genghis Khan (conqueror of all Asia).
Another day, another $200. Soon I'll be able to afford a trip to the fortune-teller!
Hey lady, *I* can give you what you want!

 

by kaufman
6-13-01
Clean
Whoa, that woman shines like a pearl!
There's no secret, I just wash with Dial.
Mean
Please don't take me, I didn't know the fish contained mercury.
Just relax, I've come for the squirrel.
Unseen
Is it safe? Can we go yet?
A few more seconds, Curly, a few more seconds.

 

by kaufman
6-13-01
You are about to hear our #1 shocking story ...
Please be prepared for its heaviness... some may not be able to stomach it.
Now consider the thought of creating a tempest in a small town; it could bring us such pride & joy!
Indeed, let us kidnap a resident who won't have a chance, perhaps a small boy.
Don't worry, I'll protect you. If they attack, you can reach me at RELee@csa.net
But my parents warned my about your type -- aren't you an online fiend (spammer, hooker, pedophile, etc.)?

 

by kaufman
6-13-01
The author agonizes ...
What have I done? I just wanted to draw some *funny and innovative* comics.
Ultimately, any new blood mars the mixture.
Frame #2 for those keeping track
T-minus ^10^ seconds and counting ... ^9^8^7^6^...
Ok, enough. Arm yourself for takeoff; I'm going to another planet.
Apologies to Alfred Bester.
Just to show that it was much ado about nothing, I will name this planet after Gabe and ObiJo. Th@'ll show them!
Excuse me, but have you noticed there's less than 1% oxygen here? In the afterlife, you'll now be a fixture.

 

by kaufman
6-14-01
Five changes,
We've got a problem here, readership is down 30%.
Please relax -- things are really not at all as they seem :-)
two of which involve replacing a word with a well-chosen synonym,
Zero Mostel came from the same small town that I did.
Yecch, I bet he didn't look *nearly* so heinous.
are all that is required to make this strip compliant.
Look, hotshot, if you don't like my offer of $1000 for your eternal damnation, you can stick it up your you-know-what!
Jesus, I only wanted change for a $20 :-(

 

by kaufman
6-14-01
Hey, I just flew in from Frisco, and boy are my arms ti...
RAAAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
That's a good point, why do they call it cornhole? I mean, does corn have holes? No, it's solid spheroids. Maybe if you're talking about popcorn, with little holes underneath where it pops...
Speaking of which, that leads to an existential question: Until you cut open the Jiffy-Pop, does that popcorn have holes?
RAAAAR! TOBOR CORNHOLE SELF, EASE PAIN!

 

by kaufman
6-14-01
Finally, a habitation in the distance.
*beep* *whirr* I have a message I must deliver.
Okay, then let's hear it.
Help me, ObiJean, you're my only hope.

 

by kaufman
6-14-01
Thanks for the astroturf background!
Cool!
Now we just need an orange-furnished room.
Mom, Bobby's out summoning Cthulhu again.
I think it's time to have a little talk with him.
What do you have to say for yourself, young man?
Cindy is a tattle-tale!

 

by kaufman
6-14-01
WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!
What's that, Lassie? Timmie's fallen down the well again?
WOOF! WOOF!
Hang on, son, I'm on my way!
Stupid human doesn't even have a clue that I said to call Guinness; I'd been standing on this stupid ball for 94 hours.
Ooooh, oversized acorn!

 

by kaufman
6-15-01
Dorothy, If you ride that dog around here again, I'll make you so sorry.
Oh Mr. Wizard, can you help me get back to Kansas?
GET THAT DOG AWAY FROM MY CURTAIN AND WE'LL TALK!
Are you all right, Dorothy?
Whoa, what a dream. And you were in it ...

 

by kaufman
6-15-01
Hello, this is Geraldo Rivera. Tonight we will discover the mysteries of Al Capone's vault, LIVE. Who knows what treasures lie within?
And success! l have found this old liquor bottle.
Could you move it along, we're already an hour and a half into the show.
For those of you still watching, this has been amazing!

 

by kaufman
6-15-01
realSim, the posting of animated sigs mandates the death penalty in Texas, Florida, Virginia, and China. In other places, they require that you be kept alive.
Luckily, I have a device. Step inside, please, it will only take a moment for the laser to divide you.
Do you expect me to talk?
Why no, Mr. Sim, I expect you to split!

 

by kaufman
6-15-01
Tell me the truth, do these jeans make my ass look fat?
Let me take a peek ...
Without a doubt, without a doubt.
Ok, then they'd probably have the same effect on me. I'll go with the skirt instead.

 

by kaufman
6-15-01
You material plutocrats have kept me from ascending to heaven.
Why blame me? Your attempts at Rule #5 have been a comedy of errors; forget all the other numbers.
Ok, if I bring up Jesus and you and Tyler too, will I satisfy the seventh Rule?
*Not yet*. That will be $5, please
I will flip you the bird (and beat you like a little girl) if you don't answer yes, donkey brain; am I in compliance with Rule 7?
Absotriplelutely!

 

by kaufman
6-15-01
911, what is your emergency?
Yes, robots from the plane of Chaos are invading -- pushing the walls in, dissolving everything they overrun, I can't hold out much longer, I'm at 943 Elm, hello? HELLO!

 

by kaufman
6-16-01
This strip inspired by Big Evil Dan's comic #21929
RAAAAAR!
RAAAAARR!
(c) 1973, Toho Co, Ltd.
You're cute. Can we be friends? I will call you Toby.

 

by kaufman
6-17-01
Lickee my bush, $3.50, poke me with your johnson for twice as much, for $25 we use a Garfield doll, nix on the freebie, fill more of my pocket before we begin, or my ray gun will blow you to atoms.
Can a D-student afford that? It was cheaper in Lincoln, Jefferson City, Cleveland and Washington, even doing it with Michael Jackson. Can I be subsidized by an NEA grant if I use a Hoover vacuum?
Say, do any of you know the Madison? Oh bummer, is that van burning? With the sun rising, how're you going to put it out? I should have stayed in Africa, nothing but common rows of veldt there.
The grout's melting in here, call a tiler, not a tailor, for harding it up! You in a haze or what?
Will Sonny Bono and Arthur Harrison pierce through those flames? And is Clint in there? Be a true man and fill up you cannon of water and put it out!
We'd have to melt Mt. McKinley to get a sufficiently cool edge to put it out. She must be daft. Cart her away!

 

by kaufman
6-18-01
Judy! Sorry to butt in, but it's been a while. What's new?
Other than my divorcing Phil?
You're finally getting rid of that sleaze-bag? Good for you!
I've decided to join a convent and get into heavy metal.
That sounds a bit contradictory to me. Jackson Browne I could understand, but how will you pull this off?
Nun of your bismuth!

 

by kaufman
6-18-01
I step behind a bush, and look what I turn into. Kafka would be proud!
I wanted to be a composer, but I didn't mean Tin Can Alley.
You look marvelous. You are truly the Cadillac of women, no?
Depends. Are you buying or leasing?
Go ahead, kill me. Where will you put my body?
Gabe bag.

 

by kaufman
6-19-01
Hold that train of thought, ma'am. You say that the strontium in fruits cured your dyslexia and depression?
Smulp was I ere I saw plums!
Hey, remember me? I was the best boy in your Latin class. But how would you say, "Night falls on a tricky dick?"
Nox in Nixon.
Vladimir, am I ...
...Da, Ed, dead!

 

by kaufman
6-19-01
As the war rages on in France ...
Soldier, I want you to try out our new hydrogen-powered jeep.
Yes, sir!
Meanwhile, on a Pacific island
Good news! I've found the locations of General Eisenhower's caches of non-perishable rations.
Spam maps!
And as the time-traveling shuttle orbits overhead...
You thirsty?
Yeah, man, let's head over to the space bar.

 

by kaufman
6-19-01
The parking lot, 2 1/2 hours before showtime
I am so psyched to see Jerry, is it true they played Dark Star last night?
Oh man, it was killer! Want a copy of the tapes?
C'mon, c'mon, drop that veggie burrito!
YECCHeroonie, that guy's got NARC written all over him!
Excuse me, MAN, have you got any LYE-sergic acid you'd like to sell me?
Oh yeah, dood, how many doses do you need?

 

by kaufman
6-20-01
Hello, Lowpazz Den'l, how may I help you?
Uoyple hiyamwohl'nedz zapwololleh!
Doc, I believe your 10:45 came. Need aligned.
All you bwacez. Ah, belong 2 me!
Whazzup, dahling?
I need a filling.

 

by kaufman
6-20-01
Tokyo, 1865
Just my luck. As soon as the plan is in place, my troupe departs on a world tour. How am I ever going to kill the President now?
RAAAAAAAARRRRR!
SIC SEMPER TYRANNOSAURUS!

 

by kaufman
6-21-01
Ok, time for the big jump scene. Places, everyone ... and ACTION!
Excuse me, but I think you're missing something. We're squirrels.
That's right. We're NOT lemmings.
We're not expendable ...
And we're not GOOOOIIIINNNGGG!
Hebbll nbbbo!

 

by kaufman
6-21-01

 

by kaufman
6-22-01
Look, we squirrels are tired of playing the lemming character. It's demeaning, and all that drowning is getting to us.
All of us need to make sacrifices. The donkey has to play a horse. Clango has to play Al Gore. You're the only small, furry rodent around.
Well, how do we get more art in stripcreator, maybe a gerbil or something?
You can talk to Johnny, but frankly, with his backlog, he's liable to tell you, go jump in a lake.
Oops.
Dabmbmn yoububu!

 

by kaufman
6-22-01
The folks at stripcreator are not sympathetic. I'm hoping you can get me out of having to play the lemming.
Tell you what. Follow me, I'll show you how to walk across water without getting wet or going under.
glub glub glub
Piece of cake, eh?
So it's an old joke ...
Y'know, Jesus, you can be a real bastard when you get drunk.
Hey barkeep, another round for me and my buddy!

 

by kaufman
6-22-01
Although it's a little-known secret, this is actually the 34th best restaurant in all of North America. Notice also that the staff sing EVERYTHING.
o/` Hello, my name is Thomas, and although I am an aspiring young actor, I will by necessity be your server tonight. o/`
Hi Tom, my name is Monica, and have I got a tip for you ...
o/` Tonight's specials are fresh-caught Maine Lobster, El Pollo Diablo, Buddha's Delight, ...
mmmmm mmmmm mmmnghghghg ...
o/` Tricolored Penne Topped With Donkey Veal, and if you really want me to come within the next half hour, you'd better insert both fists o/`

 

by kaufman
6-24-01
Help me, Doc! I was fisting Jenna Bush, but my arm started flopping around and then it fell asleep and hasn't awoken since.
Hardly surprising, she was probably so shitfaced, the alcohol seeped through her rectal tissues and into your fist. Your arm's just drunk and sleeping it off.
Really? I wish I knew more about this phenomenon.
After imbibing large quantities of alcohol, it may collect around the excretory organs. This can cause side effects of flatulence and anal discharge.
People with Jenna's perversion drink heavily to get the pleasurable side effects of olestra without having to eat potato chips.
So my arm is intoxicated from fisting her blotto ass? Wow, it's the literal truth, I'm drunk on the moon!

 

by kaufman
6-25-01
Billy's first camping trip
Billy's first chemistry set
Billy's first riot

 

by kaufman
6-26-01
Back, finally! Sorry about the absence, but stripcreator was down two weeks ago, and last week, the author just plain forgot.
Cripes, he'd forget where his head was if it weren't Krazy-Glued on.
Don't let that get you down. We're back, and we have a most interesting strip today.
For crying out loud, cut to the chase -- we've already blown half of it on the intro materials.
Get over it, what's done is done. Let's just start over.
Hello, and welcome back to Tuesdays with Mauras. Today, if we have time, we'll be interviewing ... Maura!

 

by kaufman
6-26-01
Be vewwy, vewwy quiet. I'm hunting Tobors.
No, no, no! That's not how to catch one at all. Tobors are attracted to noise.
They are?
Yeah, watch me. Let me pull out my Tobor-call.
HELLO. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME? I WANT TO GET #1!
RAAAAAAAR! TOBOR IN LOVE!

 

by kaufman
6-27-01
10 REM CC39 HANGOVER
20 LET THERE = LIGHT
30 REM THIS WAS BEFORE SPELLCHECKERS
40 RANDOMIZE
50 RANDOMEYES
60 REM AND YOU THOUGHT I COULDN'T WRITE A CORNHOLE JOKE IN BASIC
70 GOSUB 80
80 END

 

by kaufman
6-28-01
Hey crabby ... what's your secret ...?
...Well ... dick sucking that's very important!!!! ...
Does it help if your thirsty alot ...???
...I drink fluids...!!!!...
I ... like you.
... Well ... have to get off ...!!!!

 

by kaufman
6-29-01
http://babelfish.altavista.com
My dear See Ri No, please tell Romeo, "My love for you is like a thousand moons, like a pure-scented rose, like the lips of a sleeping princess."
Okeedokee!
Juliet says: "It will be extensive it respects and my love thousand month, under mouth alcoholic beverage purity of the princess which sleeps the bird which it puts out is me the rose together."
She said that? Tell her, "You are drunk. I shall ravage you mercilessly tonight, like the tomcat espying a Persian in heat."
Translated English-to-Korean and back again
It spreads out, it drinks. Me inside ten the Persia person espying tomcat ravage you it is merciless and today night, it does at description below.
Such a way with words. Verily, I swoon!

 

by kaufman
6-30-01
I HATE playing the lemming. I hate drowning again and again. And now I've been offered the role of Dr. Pedantic. Can't we swap and let Scientist play the lemming?
I'm afraid it's not so simple ...
You see, our water set's only three feet deep. See what an unconvincing lemming he makes?
Oh, I'm so depressed. We're overpopulated, I think I'll throw myself off the cliff and into the ocean along with all my friends. Look at me, I'm drowning!
On the other hand, watch what happens when we throw YOU in.
ffubbbkibbng basbbbard!

 

by kaufman
6-30-01
I've done it! I've invented a drive that will exceed the speed of light, and in doing so will return youth to us. Thanks to relativity, we will complete this trip younger than we are now.
Sir, are you sure this is wise?
Woo-hoo, It works! Here we are back at home sweet earth, 42 years ago. I'll make a killing betting on the World Series. I'm going to beam down.
DANGER! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!
Danger indeed. For the drive's use had aged Earth into a lifeless husk.
To whomever created the Law of Conservation of Time in this universe: DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free ...

 

by kaufman
7-02-01
Dave, could you please remove HAL's memory a bit faster? He is driving me absolutely nuts.
I'm doing the best I can, Frank.
Come on, *unnnhh* don't stick in there!
o/` On a bycicle built for two...
It's no use. The last one's jammed.
43rd verse, same as verse 42... o/` Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do ...

 

by kaufman
7-02-01
Dave, could you please remove HAL's memory a bit faster? He is driving me absolutely nuts.
I'm doing the best I can, Frank.
Come on, *unnnhh* don't stick in there!
o/` On a bicycle built for two...
It's no use. The last one's jammed.
43rd verse, same as verse 42... o/` Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do ...

 

by kaufman
7-03-01
Black Monolith in sight, sir. 42 kilometers and closing.
Thanks, HAL, I'll check it out.
Who are you?
Who do you think? Due to the limited set of stripcreator characters, I get to play the Black Monolith, or as I prefer it, the Monolith of Color, or at least the African-American Monolith.
My god, it's full of sass!
And don't you forget it!

 

by kaufman
7-08-01
Wash up?
WASH UP!
WASHUP!!!
WASSSHHHHUUUUPPPPP!!!!
WASHUP-WASHUP!!
WAWAWAWASHUP!

 

by kaufman
7-08-01
One beautiful spring day ...
Oh wirthling, you lucky devil, she's sure a cutie!
Ten weeks later ...
Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! It hurts when I pee.
So don't pee!
And not too long afterwards ...
What do you mean I have to pick up wirthling? He isn't due for decades!
It's all here -- no mistake. He's got bloating, internal toxicity, infection where he tied the knot ... take him in!

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