All comics by mrpoop

Profile

 

by mrpoop
10-25-05
Yes, we were the tender age of fifteen and still in high school when we first met.
Hi, I'm Bobby!
Hi Bobby, I'm Pirate!
Wait a second.. no, that's not it. We were twenty and stationed in the same platoon in 'nam.
SARGE! THEYS COMIN' FROM ALL SIDES SARGE!
No, no, no! It was in rainbow happy land and he was a pink donkey! Hee hee hee!
DAMN IT GOLDIE, I'M THE ONE TELLING THIS STORY!

 

by mrpoop
10-27-05
Ahh yes, NOW I remember how it happened.
Hey, listen, I know I don't know you, and you don't know me, and I know that you know that I don't know you...
But figuring that we're both poorly drawn stick figures, I think maybe we should hang out and move into a house together.
You had me at hello.
I never said hello.
And I just crapped my pants. Welcome aboard!

 

by mrpoop
10-28-05
Wow, that's a pretty gay story.
I'm not sure I follow...
So you only have one bed, huh?

 

by mrpoop
10-31-05
That's a mighty fine toilet you got there.
Mind if I use it?
For what?
I don't even know anymore.
That's right. Now leave us alone.

 

by mrpoop
11-01-05
What the...
Surprise buddy! I dressed up as you for halloween. What did you dress up as?
Me.
Wow, you really nailed it!

 

by mrpoop
11-02-05
Omigod omigod omigod omigod!
GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF WOMAN!
In just twenty one days, Rent will be gracing the big screens. I plan to see it over and over again until my eyes fall out of their sockets.
You know what else will fall out of your sockets?
While you make your gay euphemism, I'm gonna go get my Roger costume ready...
Your boyfriend's penis is gonna fall out of your ass socket.

 

by mrpoop
11-04-05
So I've decided I want to learn telekinesis.
Telekinesis? Is that when you read people's minds?
No, that's telepathy.
Oh, so is that like when you have sex with a dog?
...No, that's beastiality.
Well at least I know I haven't committed telekinesis, huh.

 

by mrpoop
11-04-05
What's that box on top of the TV?
I got a Eivo.
Huh?
It's like a Tivo, except that it's cheaper. And possessed by demons.
Later that evening...
Would you like to watch a tabby cat being mutilated?
That depends... Is Sean Penn involved? Cause I'm pretty sure I asked for Sean Penn to be involved.

 

by mrpoop
11-07-05
What's the difference between a Jew and a monkey?
A lot.
A Jewish person is a human of a particular spiritual faith and religious doctrine. A monkey is not even a member of said species.
Okay, I got another one. How many Pirates does it take to suck the funny out of any joke?
What if you're just a big stupid asshead?

 

by mrpoop
11-09-05
Huh.. I wonder where Bobby and Pirate are.
Hello there. Would you like to watch some genocide?
Beg pardon?
Oh, sorry, I came on a bit strong...
Does anything normal happen in this household or what?
Do all the televisions fall in love with you at first sight?

 

by mrpoop
11-10-05
Do you ever feel like just being spontaneously mean to someone you don't know?
Like today some girl held the door open for me and I said "You're ugly and nobody likes you."
So she killed herself.
Ugly people aren't real people anyways.

 

by mrpoop
11-17-05
Pattycake, Pattycake, baker man.
What the hell are you doing?
It's a nursery rhyme. You've never...
It's not PATTY cake. It's Pat a Cake. He's a baker. He's patting the cake. There's no such thing as a patty cake.
Are you fucking serious? This requires a complete reeevaluation of my entire belief structure.
Why the hell would you pat a cake anyways?

 

by mrpoop
11-17-05
So I bought an X-Box 360.
Jesus. Isn't that like 500 dollars?
The controller is more futuristic. The graphics are awesome. I feel like I'm being propelled into a new sexy era of sexiness.
Where is it now?
To be continued.
We meet again, Eivo.
X-Box! You'll never stop me!

 

by mrpoop
11-21-05
It was a thousand years in the future in the past when Eivo and I first battled after the nineteenth nuclear war.
You won't escape this time, Eivo!
Ha! Do not make me laugh, X-Box! Engarde!
So you can't move either, huh?
Rock, paper, scissors it is...

 

by mrpoop
11-22-05
Hey Pirate, do you ever wonder where that swirling vortex of agony leads?
Now now, remember what I said about the vortex.. if you ignore it, it'll just go away.
Sometimes I just feel like jumping through.
I'll give you five dollars.
On the other side of the vortex...
Oh hand, you filthy whore... another round before work you say?

 

by mrpoop
11-23-05
HOLY SHIT! BOBBY? What the hell are you doing here? I drew you!
No you didn't.
You're right... I didn't draw you. But I animated you...
Try again.
I put little words in a bubble above your head to make people giggle like NIPPLE AND ANUS.
Bingo.

 

by mrpoop
11-27-05
So here's the bed... And here's the lamp... and here's the floor. Oh, and the table.
Is there any reason that our bedroom is completely identical to yours?
The Jews.
I knew it.
And here's the Nazi paraphernalia...

 

by mrpoop
11-29-05
Your bathroom is identical too. This is weird.
Too weird. It must be a hallucination I'm having! That's definitely it!
AH! Oh, thank goodness... It was all a dream.
Isn't that right, Bobby?
Yup. All a dream. Can I have sex with your cat?

 

by mrpoop
12-01-05
Well, I better be hitting the old dusty trail.
So soon?
Well, I hate to keep you from getting to work and all.
Okay, Bobby. Nice chilling with ya. I'll be sure to put you in some flattering comics.
I totally just talked to the gayest homo I've ever met.
Get down on your knees and earn that five dollars bitch.

 

by mrpoop
12-01-05
A glorious new future approaches. In the future, movies will be six hours of special effects followed by one insanely cool catchphrase.
Time to bring the pain.
Americans will be so fat, that Earth will actually orbit around them.
Pass the lard and butter burger please.
Ritilin will be mandatory for children. A wonderful brave new world it will be!
Two months old? Pull out the prozac, bitch!
I dunno man, I already have him pumped up on crystal meth. That might be bad for him.

 

by mrpoop
12-02-05
Ebonics will become America's national language. In response, black people (and teenagers imitating black people) will have to come up with ebonic ebonics to confound whitey.
Diggity Shniggity Fliggity Bliggity.
Yo why you talk like that son. That straight up ignant dawg.
Politicians will lie at double efficiency.
I did not have sexual relations with Iraq.
And Bobby and Pirate will still be around. But the premises will become so rediculous they are nonsensical.
...and so the tartar sauce was like "I don't need no stinkin' crawdads up in here."
You don't say.

 

by mrpoop
12-07-05
Man, this job is tough.
It's okay, it's rewarding and worth it in the end.
Aren't you glad we became alcoholics?
I pee blood.

 

by mrpoop
12-07-05
Man this job is tough.
No kidding.
Aren't you glad that we decided to become pedophiles?
I pee blood.

 

by mrpoop
12-08-05
Man this job sucks.
Keep going.
That was a long way to go for a cheap fellatio joke, wasn't it folks? See you next week!
Why does it taste like blood in my mouth?
Now swallow.

 

by mrpoop
12-12-05
Because lately the humor has been a little dirty, I think it's appropiate to lighten it up a bit.
Hey Pirate, don't you hate when you're late for work...
Oh yeah.
And then you run into someone that you know, and they just won't stop talking, but you really have to get going...
Oh yeah...
Cheers!
And then you look over your shoulder and see your grandmother masterbating with a pitchfork?
Cock shit ass fuck.

 

by mrpoop
12-13-05
Christmas is totally almost here.
Wow, you're the first person that's told me that this year. It's amazing, I would have totally not known unless you had mentioned it.
Well, uh...
I'm amazed. I haven't seen every Christmas sale broadcasted on the television, every radio commercial about Christmas, every department store with signs.
Laying it on pretty thick there, asshole?
You have openned my eyes.

 

by mrpoop
12-14-05
Goldie? What the hell are you doing here?
Well, I'm mostly here to piss off Big Frank. But I'm also here to tell you that I'm pregnant.
But we never...
So you're going to be paying child support from now on.

 

by mrpoop
12-15-05
So then I said "A 1995 Chablis? This is obviously a 1998 Chardonay!"
Ho ho ho, ripping good laugh.
You know, your wit and caddy banter makes me endevour to have a homosexual relationship with you, old bean.
We're English. We're already homosexual.
Quite.

 

by mrpoop
12-16-05
Donc alors j'ai dit, "UN 1995 Chablis ? Ceci est évidemment un 1998 Chardonay !"
Ho ho ho, donc très drôle.
Vous savez, votre esprit et le caddie plaisantent des marques que veux m'avoir une relation homosexuelle avec vous.
Nous sommes français. Nous sommes déjà homosexuels.
Tout à fait.

 

by mrpoop
12-19-05
Pirate, do you ever get that feeling that you're here for someone else's amusement? That we're nothing but a joke?
Well, we do always say something funny at the end of every adventure we have.
True.
The DOW Jones Industrial is down today.

 

by mrpoop
12-20-05
HOLY SHIT! DUDE! DUDE! You'll never guess what happened! I started touching my pee pee and I felt all funny and nice and then it totally ROCKED!
Uh.. you masterbated?
What? You KNEW about this? Why didn't you tell me?
Dude, everybody knows about masterbating.
All these years! The fun I've been missing! I... I have to go to the bathroom again!
Oh Jesus, I guess I'll go buy some more toilet paper...

 

by mrpoop
12-21-05
I bet you're wondering why I asked you to come in here.
Dreading it, actually.
It's official.
I have masterbated myself to enlightenment.
You're like Jesus.

 

by mrpoop
12-21-05
I bet you're wondering why I asked you to come in here.
Dreading it, actually.
It's official.
I have masterbated myself to enlightenment.
You're like Jesus.

 

by mrpoop
12-23-05
So if you were a chick, would you have sex with a dude?
Bobby, we go over this every time, and it's always the same damn thing. I'm totally straight.
So if you're straight then, hypothetically, if you were a woman, you would have sex with a dude.
Yeah. If I were a woman, I would have sex with a guy.
Fag.
I hate you so much.

 

by mrpoop
12-27-05
Well, Christmas is over.
About time.
Christmas is just another holiday produced by the Powers that Be to placate the masses into doing their corporate bidding.
Simpsons reference!
...lets get ready for New Years!
Let the fools have their tar tar sauce.

 

by mrpoop
12-28-05
So I was thinking...
Never a good sign.
The coolest kid at school is always the one who can bitch about how shitty his parents are, right?
Yeah.
When I have kids, I'm gonna be the shittiest father in the world, like my father never was for me.
That kindhearted bastard.

 

by mrpoop
12-31-05
You know, a lot of my comics are about gay jokes. So much so that it might lead some viewers to think I, myself, am gay.
Well, I want you all to rest well, assured that I love the cock.
Oh God! What did I just say!? I mean, I like vagina! I.. I don't like cock! Can we rewind this? Oh no!
Oh shit, oh shit, I can't stop the comic... Shit fuck shit shit! I swear I'm not gay! I SWEAR IT!
Phew. It was all a dream. I could sure go for some cock to suck right now though.

 

by mrpoop
1-02-06
And now... 2005! Sung to the tune of "The Song of the Major General."
Two thousand six, the dawning of another year of history.
Hopefully it won't bring last year's grueling wave of great misery.
Katrina kicked our sorry ass and Rita through the gulf sea pass.
An earthquake struck, Persians were fucked, Bush made a buck from oil with great revenue.
To be continued!
Valerie Plame, suffered the game, of Scooter Libby's awesome ride, in Paris there was violent waves of po-lit-i-cal homocide.
But still in matters temportal, unknown and shroud in mistery, Two thousand six is the dawning of another year of history!

 

by mrpoop
1-02-06
X-Box three-sixty, rewrote history, with ground breaking technology.
The Ayatollah brought another year, religious ideology.
Stopped smoking in June, classes start soon, my kitty cat still attacks me and is evil.
I shacked up in this lousy town in God damn fucking Hicksyville.
Fin.
But what matters most, and to what I toast, is that Bobby and Pirate are HERE TO MOTHER FUCKING STAY...
Because still in matters temporal, unknown and shroud in mistery, Two thousand six is the dawning of another year of history!

 

by mrpoop
1-06-06
Wheeeeee.
This is fun.
Wheeee!
How are the rainbows on your side?
Colorful! Wheee!
Wheee!

 

by mrpoop
1-09-06
So I was in the car and these black people ran in front and I slammed on my brakes and I was like, "silly black people."
Huh. I bet you're glad they couldn't read your lips.
And the hate mail comes pouring in...
You know black people can't read.
You're going to burn in hell.

 

by mrpoop
1-14-06
Welcome to Subway. Can I help you?
Hi, can I get a turkey sub with provolone, lettuce, tomatoes, and fetuses?
Huh? What was that last one?
Tomatoes.
I could have sworn...
Oh, and dead babies. And make it quick, whore.

 

The Chicago Bears suck. LAWL.
by mrpoop, 1-15-06

 

by mrpoop
1-16-06
And now, ladies and gentlemen.. a good way to make anyone feel uncomfortable.
Pirate, I slowly walk up to you and caress your cheek with my big, manly hand.
Uh... huh?
Then I slide my hand around your back, stroking you tenderly as I slide my other hand down your big, burly chest.
Wh..what are you doing?
Shh.. baby... just let go.
I'm calling 911.

 

by mrpoop
1-18-06
Do you ever just think "Gee my life would be better if I were a toaster?"
No.
Yeah. Me neither.
What about a toaster oven?
What color?

 

by mrpoop
1-24-06
Ladies and gentlemen... The penis dialogs.
Yo so I got this wang right and it's bigger than yours sucker why dontcha go fuck a duck.
Nah it ain't I'm gonna kick you so hard in your junk you'll be feeling it til next Thursday whore.
Nah man I'm gonna slap your face chest neck hands and throat with this pocket rocket.
Not if I don't clamp this mousetrap to your balls and step on them while gouging your penis with a sodering iron.
A Mr. Poop original presentation.
Ow man. That would really hurt.
Yea, actually, it would. Sorry, I take that back.

 

by mrpoop
1-25-06
So how long until you get out pirate?
What are you talking about? You're the one in jail.
No I'm not. You clearly are. Look, the bars are... uh... well...
I mean.. they're diagonally...
Jesus fucking Christ, who drew this background?
Looks like a God damn Esher painting.

 

by mrpoop
1-29-06
Welcome to your first post-college job. Most of your job responsibilities will be wiping my ass.
You're kidding, right?
Ha ha ha. Of course.
The toilet paper will be doing most of the actual wiping. And over here is the water cooler...
Yes! I get to use TOILET PAPER in this job. Much better than my last temp job.

 

by mrpoop
1-31-06
Insert background that does not necessarily have to do with the comic.
Openning line refering to some obscure topic.
Non sequiter or affirmation of said topic
Continuation of topic with twist in order to produce a more humorous response.
Agreement or disagreement, whichever is funnier.
Punchline.
BUTTSEX!

 

by mrpoop
1-31-06
Oh, so is that dental floss you're using over there? I love dental floss!
Why yes it is.
Using dental floss is like jerking off a hispanic guy in the bathroom of a 7-11. You don't know why you're doing it, but it's fun, and you hope you don't get caught.
You sick fuck. Now I have to stop flossing. I guess I'm gonna use Scope instead.
I like Scope... Using Scope is a lot like...
...alright, stop right there.

Showing page 3.

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