All comics by smamurai

Profile

 

by smamurai
3-17-04
Choose your weapon fool, be it pistols or haiku? Sword or pointy stick?
I plump for haiku, as the setting here is apt, and I fear pain.
One bottle wine-rack, Large torpedo hit the slot, Beer can in warm fridge.
Watch it fall from grace, Stool slips out of it's own will, Never squeeze again.
Shiny toothless mouth, Mouthing words of shame and fear, Never smell it's breath
Expulsion of air, Reverbates around the halls, Skin didgeridoo.

 

by smamurai
3-17-04
Meat meat red raw meat, Marbled sinewy raw red gape, Scald 3rd degree bum.
Cling onto the sides, Descent into the malestrom, Down the burrow go.
Fear the swinging knob, The pit and the pendulum, Fall into darkness.
Join with your sister, Mainline her warm enema, Sit on tub-girls ass.
Pot-hole-ing venture, Wrap faeces around your waist, Link up man to man.
Discover your roots, You eat what he has eaten, Return to the womb.

 

by smamurai
3-17-04
Bear him on your head, Goatse won't let you stumble, Two become tall God.
Not scared of the dark, For I have spent many long nights, Foraging for spleen.
Holier than thou, None canst be, you truly have, The gates of heaven.
Hole man role model, Superhero to tight-butts, They want to be you.
Allergic to lube, You show us how not to need, vaseline again.
You had a dream, The man who would be Ring-King, Your subjects hail you.

 

by smamurai
3-17-04
Fresh scene of a crime, Everything to see here, Forced entry? Exit wound?
Mark St. Goatses day, Patron Saint of train drivers, And chimeny sweeps.
His burning ember, Is a beacon for us all, It's message is clear.
He tore asunder, United States of Ass-hole, Anarchy is truth.
You glorius bitch! I die now.
Ha ha! I won. So I was correct, your mother is a bit of a slag.

 

by smamurai
3-18-04
Arf Maul has demanded to see me immediatly.
He didn't sound happy.
I don't understand it. I delivered him a fully operational Death-Star well ahead of schedule.
Ok so I took some liberties and dumped the foreboding black exterior for a more fetching colour scheme but that's not so bad is it?
Ouch! why you make me do this?
The plans were to scale you illiterate fool. You have built me the most expensive hair-dryer in the entire universe.

 

by smamurai
3-18-04
I can't be expected to house 20 million Stormtroopers into this thing.
Even my big toe won't go through the front door.
Mind you the tractor-beam works your penis like a pro.

 

by smamurai
3-18-04
Suck my penis you exquisite little tart.
Oh I can't believe this is happening to me.
Hey! When did your twin sister get here?
The producers were right, this really shouldn't happen to a TV vet.

 

by smamurai
3-18-04
What is that smell?
I don't know.
Is it coming from you?
Wait a minute could it be that...
What?
Ah yes, I am terribly sorry old chap but I appear to have aquired a rather nasty gangrene infection.

 

by smamurai
3-18-04
Gangrene is rotting your leg off. Do you need to go in the fridge?
We need to use something to remove it.
I'll get the cheese grater.
Or how about using drugs instead?
I'm on the wagon dude, and you bring me down when we get stoned together.
Jeff listen, do me a favour and slug me real hard. I don't want to disturb you with my dying yelps.

 

by smamurai
3-19-04
Lord Maul we are close enough to make visual contact with the rebel fleet.
Excellent, let me see them on the big screen.
Behold the puny rebel fleet... um.
CLICK... HERE..FOR.. FREE..HENTAI X.. X.. X? What the fuck is going on here.
Sorry sire, it appears our pop-up blocker needs upgrading.
Idiot! Come here for a Vulcan death neck pinching thingy.

 

by smamurai
3-19-04
We have taken posession of her Majestys puny vessel my Lord.
And have you secured Princess Mia in my own private quarters?
Negative sir, we tried to but house-keeping would not permit us.
For what reason?
A burst waste pipe Lord Maul. Seemingly there is shite everywhere.
Well where the hell am I supposed to sleep tonight?

 

by smamurai
3-19-04
If you have followed the directions oulined in this letter you should find youself in a dumpster containing one pair of soiled white Y-fronts. SUCKER!!!

 

by smamurai
3-22-04
Holy crap! It's a scary alien! AAGGHH!
Take me to your leader.
Why? What do you aliens want from us humans?
You know what we want...
No! Not our world famous erection strengthening anus-fruit?
Anus-fruit eh? I'll try anything if it helps remove the taste of the Memory Improving Penis-Juice the last guy gave me.

 

by smamurai
3-22-04
Hey boss!
Is that a vagina in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
Both.
I give you a job and this is how you repay me?
um.
Then I gave you a job working in my sex-shop, and you steal stock on your first day?

 

by smamurai
3-22-04
Lord Singeburn how do respond to the recent allegations made against you?
It's all a lot of nonsense.
So you deny you make it a rule never to hire disabled people to work on your estate?
No, but this morning I donated a puppy to be trained as a guide dog for the blind.
That's very generous but how does that prove you don't discriminate against disabilities?
The dog was also blind and had only three legs.

 

by smamurai
3-22-04
Did you express any emotion after your grandparents died in the accident?
I started to go off the rails when they died. I stole money and jewellery from my parents.
So, although your parents were also grieving, you thought it would be a good time to start stealing from them?
Well, I suppose there is never really a good time to steal from your own folks.
To tell the truth the best time is just after they have hired a new maid.
Should you be saying that?

 

by smamurai
3-25-04
Hello sir or madam, can I help you?
I would like to purchase a can of laughter please.
Ah Ha hahahaha! Bwah ha ha hee hee he! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha grak!
There you go.
Careful, you are spilling it.
Ah Ha hahahaha! Bwah ha ha hee hee he! Ha ha ha ha *applause*
What a tragedy. It was the last can as well.
The laughter at this moment is highly innapropriate.

 

by smamurai
3-29-04
Help!
What's the problem little mouse?
I'm a handsome prince turned into a mouse by an evil spell
I'll see what I can do about it.
What did you do? Nothing has changed.
I think you will find my tits have gotten slightly bigger and you are no longer lactose intolerant.

 

by smamurai
3-30-04
Doc you're Alive?
Am I Marty? Am I?
I have brought you a fossilised human fetus from the year 3020.
Great Scott! Do you realise that could create a tear in the 'space-time continuum'?
That's code for it might hurt my colon right?
Shake your ass over here and let's find out.

 

by smamurai
3-31-04
You wan flies wit dat?
No I do not want flies with that.
Okee!
But I will however take some fries with that. Ha ha ha!
Ok you wan fries you try other shop. You want flies you come back here ok?
Umm I'm still on for the bugger though, right?

 

by smamurai
4-06-04
I can help you, how?
I wish to hire part 2 of this DVD.
Part 2?
It was hardly biographical. Not once did it mention Quantum Leap.
Ma'am you rented Blacula.
Who would have guessed he was a negro vampire before he became a Jewish white guy?

 

by smamurai
4-06-04
At the Vatican.
Is the Pope a Catholic?
Does a bear shit in the woods, my child!
At the Rockies.
Do bears shit in the woods?
Is the Pope a Catholic, sonny-boy!
In San Francisico.
I thought travelling would widen my horizons but now I am just confused. Can you help me?
My my! What a tight little horizon you have.

 

by smamurai
4-06-04
You....you're ending us?
I am sorry but we just don't feel right anymore.
You want me to get the operation don't you?
That's not what it's about. Do you take me for some kind of body facist?
Nevertheless on Friday my proctologist will be fitting me with a brand new pull-cord and extra sturdy toggles.
I prefer tassles myself.

 

by smamurai
4-06-04
Flynn, let's never bet on a mob horse with a mob jockey again.
What's happening? Is our horse getting beat?
Well that's one way to put it.
Pete why is our horse lying down?
Even a horse feels the adverse effect of two minutes rapid pistol-whipping.
Ulp!

 

by smamurai
4-13-04
Hey nice badge, whats it say?
It says 'Congratulations Birthday Girl'.
I will be the judge of that.
2 minutes later..
Yup! Those sure are nice badges.
I'm only wearing one.

 

by smamurai
4-13-04
So, you been wearing that 'Happy Birthday' badge for a while?
Just today.
You wear it on this day each week?
No, I tend to wear this type of badge only once every year.
Is that your jacket?
Stop looking for a loophole and admit you don't have a gift for me.

 

by smamurai
4-13-04
You say it's your birthday but have you taken jet-lag into account?
What? I 've never been on a plane. It's my birthday today.
You do realise that this year is a leap-year and the clocks usually go back around this time of year?
Yes, but today is my birthday.
Another year, another wrinkle.
You know, maybe today is not my birthday.

 

by smamurai
4-13-04
You just had a baby and it's your bithday? Wow many happy returns.
Thanks, that's so nice of you.
Yes I am sure you will be happy if your belly button, hips, bladder control, free time.....
8 minutes later..
...satisfying sex life, admiring glances from men in the street, decent posture and boyfriend ever return.
I will make it my lifes work to train my baby, to kill you all.

 

by smamurai
4-14-04
This is weird.
It seems so decadent.
I've never seen a velvet-lined 'reply box' before.

 

by smamurai
4-15-04
I think I just took a shit in this spacesuit.
Why the fuck are you wearing that? Were in Kansas!
Just in case a tornado picks me up and carries me ... WHOOOAAAA! ... to the moon.
Earthling, you landed on top of our second most wicked witch. You know what you must do now, don't you?
Yes, we must finish this comic by saying something funny.
Help! I'm a giraffe. Sorry I've tits'd it up again haven't I?

 

by smamurai
4-16-04
Cycle Times Monthly
For sale. One pair of slightly stretched lycra cycling shorts. £1 or £3.50 with full bottle of Febreeze.
The Pink Pages
Exchange. 1 gerbil (4"diameter) for slightly thicker gerbil. Hamster considered. No rabbits.
The Redneck Reeder
For sale. 1 family-sized bed. Not much burn damage, $2 or will swap for tyre-swing.

 

by smamurai
4-16-04
Which? Dog Monthly
Japanese Chin. 3 months old. Excellent bitch. £300.
Beijing Gazette
Charlie Chin. 3 weeks old. Dishonorable mother. Sell for £12,000.
Hollywood Knives Medical Journal
Chins. Made in Korea. Lose your double at the double. High success rate. $3000.

 

by smamurai
4-16-04
Israeli Musical Times
Wanted. Drummer for band 'the Hamas and the Papas'. We are heavily influenced by ABBA and strong arm tactics.
Blue Peter Round-up
Need. Extra large time-capsule for Blue Peter Garden. Must be approximately the size of Caron Keating.
Which? Dog Monthly
Seeks. Dachshund to catch missing gerbil (4"diameter). Must love the wet.

 

by smamurai
4-22-04
Stop animal testing.
Rats and beagles are people too.
What kind of society tortures innocent animals?
Won't somebody please think of the children?
I will

 

by smamurai
4-26-04
Hi, I'm Richard Dreyfuss.
And I'm his stunt-beard double. I also play in a band. An unknown band.
Now I'm not sure what type of animal lives in a dray.
But you guys do, and you probably keep them dirty critters as pets right?
And you probably hate having to clean up all the shit they shit in the afore-mentioned dray. What did them suits say we should use again?
Now I'm no Dreyfuss, but don't use me, use 'Lemon Fresh No Dray-Fuss!' It shouldn't make your pets bald.

 

by smamurai
4-26-04
Martial Arts Today
Sharing a room? Send off £21.99 to learn the art that Japanese Masters have known for centuries, Stealth Wanking!
Marital Aids Tonight
Have you heard the buzz? Eliminate breakfast table awkwardness. Send £21.99 to learn how to secretly sound-proof your mothers room in minutes.
Martial Law Tomorrow
It's everyone's nightmare isn't it? Send £21.99 and we will kill Arsenio Hall and Sammo Hung. For an extra 2 bucks Cynthia Rothrock dies also.

 

by smamurai
4-27-04
I thought we fired you last week. We need a tax assessor not a motivational harasser.
I'm not going anywhere. Do you want to be spat at before or after lunch today?
I'll call the police.
Come now, you don't want anything to happen that blond haired little girl of yours would you?
Okay, okay what do you want? Money?
No, I want you to be more pro-active, you cunt.

 

by smamurai
4-28-04
Well?
I am afraid your son is infected with Welsh.
Welsh? But he is Welsh doctor.
That's what I said.
Is it serious?
Seriously shit.

 

by smamurai
5-05-04
So tell me, do you guys have any so called 'weapons of mass destruction?
Tons of 'em.
Ha! So then why don't we just come and invade your country eh?
Because son, we have weapons..... of ...mass... destruction.
Now get off my lawn!

 

by smamurai
5-05-04
Make no mistake...
...I will be barely suppressing a smug grin throughout this entire speech....
...and saying 'make no mistake' a lot.

 

by smamurai
5-05-04
Bush raps with kids to show he still cares about the little things...
Mr President any tips on how I should approach my math test?
Make no mistake.
Can you tie my shoelace please?
I will not bow down.
Your replies are in context with my questions. Is it just coincidence or....
To terrorism.

 

by smamurai
5-05-04
Doc, until I become a bona-fide sex addict the press won't take me seriously.
Ok take a look at these Rorschach tests. Tell me what animals you see.
A clam. A beaver. A pussy. Um, dog? Is that one a dog?
C'mon man, think outside her box.
Um, black labiarador?
We're done here. Take a couple of hookers and call me in the morning.

 

by smamurai
5-05-04
Do you think there is a conspiricy to accuse the defendant of hub-cap theft?
Wheels within wheels my friend. Wheels within wheels.
Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left.
Fo fie dorra you don't corr the shots. Just rie back and enjoy.
Do you have a receipt for that loincloth?
I ate it. So fucking sue me. Again.

 

by smamurai
5-05-04
On the campaign...
The ratings on that last speech was an all-time low.
The public are bored with the 'terrorist' angle. We need a new enemy.
Nobody likes kiddy-fiddlers.
We should write a speech that spearheads a new drive towards eliminating paedophiles.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in your daughter.

 

by smamurai
5-12-04
Bernie has an eating problem.
Fat Bernie?
Yes, he always goes to the toilet after lunch. I followed him today and now I know why?
Gross! Did you find vomit all over the toilet?
No, I found a stick of butter, a loaf and a large pack of cheese slices sealed in a plastic bag floating in the cistern.
The dirty bastard.

 

by smamurai
5-12-04
Sup?
Look at the state of your boxers.
You mean 'cos one of my balls is hanging out right?
Yes and the other one looks like it's wearing a string vest. You wouldn't have worn those when we first started dating.
But I did wear these when we first started dating?
Yes and they looked good then, but that was 4 years ago.

 

by smamurai
5-12-04
No!
Yes!
Mom, I won't do it on general principle.
We'll see about that.
GENERAL PRINCIPLE?
Look I don't care who does it but I am not leaving here till someone shits on my head. And for the last time I am a Captain not a General.

 

by smamurai
5-13-04
How is my wife Doc?
Wait here, I'll check.
Mmmm hmmn, now that's what I call 'deep' coma.
Please stop.
She's fucking awesome dude!

 

by smamurai
5-14-04
National Vegan Society Headquarters...
You're fucking firing me? I thought this was a volunteer position?
We're all fed up of your purile pranks Brad, and last week you were spotted eating a hot-dog.
Pranks? I don't know what you mean. Anyway most guys in here eat meat every day.
That's nonsense, I speak for myself and most of our staff when I say I haven't eaten meat in decades.
Oh yeah? Try telling that to the sea-monkeys I put in the water-cooler last week.
See this is what I'm talking about.

 

by smamurai
5-14-04
I saw it first.
Everything we find we give to the King.
Shit!
What is it?
It's just a candy wrapper.
I knew it wasn't a dollar bill. Lets get back before my face cracks.

Showing page 3.

« Previous Next »