All comics by somnambulist

Profile

 

by somnambulist
4-01-06
This is Matt. I know him through an ex, but we've stayed good friends.
OK, wise guy, my hair isn't actually blond in real life. And where the hell are my pants?
http://www.stripcreator.com/comics /somnambulist/343283
Steve alludes to this girl in the above-mentioned strip. Assuming she approves, it's possible she might appear someday, most likely on her computer, probably as seen here.
Just don't confuse me with my evil doppelganger that Steve has already inserted on a couple occasions.
http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/335908
I represent "Steve at work." See the above-mentioned strip for details about my various appearances.
I also represent "Steve at work," except in this version, I'm "Steve in a meeting." Exciting, huh?

 

by somnambulist
4-04-06
Hey, sweetie. What are you reading?
Oh, just a friend's unpublished novel. It's actually pretty good. Way better than the one I did. I don't think I'd be brave enough to share mine.
Oh, come on. She showed you hers, so you should show her yours!
Nah. I don't think it's a genre she'd enjoy. Plus, it'd be like the equivalent of sex for nerdy bookworms.
Well, if that were true, wouldn't your not reciprocating be like scampering off with some kind of literary blowjob?
I guess. But those would be the worst paper cuts ever.

 

by somnambulist
4-06-06
Why do you think it was repetitive?
Well, eventually, no matter how hard I tried to think up new ones, I started running out of ways to kill people.
In my novel! C'mon, it was a war story!
Must... maintain... vow... of... silence...

 

by somnambulist
4-13-06
I'm sorry, Steve. I know I said there'd be a day for us when I was ready, but I decided to see some other guy exclusively after, like, two weeks.
Wow. You really deserved it when I pissed on your dry-cleaning pile.
You have 1 new e-mail from Leigh.
Email? You're quasi breaking up with me by email?
So that's the whole story. Even if she took it all back, I don't think I'd ever really trust her.
Well, you'll always have your fictional comic girlfriend.

 

by somnambulist
4-26-06
*http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/345366
I know you're mad and bummed out about Leigh*, but how come you aren't making any new comics?
Even when I'm not feeling sad and/or pissy, nothing very funny is happening.
Come on, there must be some life experiences you can draw from. What about that blind date you had this weekend?
I wasn't feeling it. It's hard to be attracted to a girl who looks like a pre-op transsexual Humpty Dumpty.
Maybe you can put out a call to find Allison's real-life counterpart. Then fantasy and reality will finally merge!
Yeah, that'll work... "Weird guy seeks crazy girl who wishes to emulate a clip-art web comic character."

 

by somnambulist
4-26-06
Hey, Matt, why do girls cause us so much calamity?
They're evil. Except my sister. But you can't touch her, or else I'll have to shoot you.
*http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ LuckyGuess/sets/women/336855
Hey, Lucky, why do girls cause us so much calamity?
They're evil... and I'm not just saying that because your girlfriend looks just like my ex*.
Ali - don't hit me, but... why have girls always caused me so much calamity?
We're evil. Except the fictional ones like me. And we're evil too, but it's a lot less destructive.

 

by somnambulist
4-27-06
Listing MySpace friend requests (1): Jolene wants to be your friend.
That's weird. I don't know any Jolenes.
Like, OMG! You should totally check out my page. I have some super sexy private pix just for you...
Ah, crap. More damn porn-spam. Where the hell do all of these people keep coming from?
Judge for yourself: http://www.myspace.com/ jolene232babe22
[Jolene has 86 friends. All of them are extremely horny, gullible men. And she isn't even all that hot, either.]
OK, that's enough of this crap. If I get one from a girl selling herself as a Russian mail order bride, I'm just going the hell to bed.

 

by somnambulist
4-27-06
I love spring! It's warm and sunny and the seagulls have come back to crap all over the rich peoples' Porsches... and I'm kicking your butt by about 10 strokes.
That's just because if there's such a thing as pollen poisoning, I think I probably have it.
Excuses, excuses. Why did you wear your goofy spy disguise just to come play mini- golf, anyway?
I'm incognito. I was afraid I might be assassinated by a squad of mini-golf commandos.
That's crazy. What are those, a bunch of guys in ninja outfits who carry two-piece putters that unscrew in the middle and turn into bazookas?
Well, I was mostly thinking of unruly children raised by their incompetent parents, but, sure, that's an equally valid concern.

 

by somnambulist
4-27-06
*Continued from http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/347864
Oh, crap. I'm never going to hear the end of this one*...
Exterminate!
Exterminate!
Sigh. Dammit, Ali, this happens every time we come here. You know the drill... I'll take care of them; you go find where we parked the phone booth.

 

by somnambulist
4-27-06
These gas prices are killing me. I'm stuck working 9-5 and have to go 35 miles each way in rush hour traffic, but I can't afford to live closer, either.
How come you don't just move in with Allison?
Alas, I am unable to transport my real self into this virtual reality paradise.
Bummer. I was hoping that maybe you'd end up going all Jennifer Jason Leigh on her.
Nah... I'm neither homicidal nor female. Plus I'm way too lazy to go buy a whole new wardrobe that will just end up making my ass look big.
Actually, come to think of it, with your luck, it'd probably just end up playing out more like "Misery," anyway.

 

by somnambulist
4-30-06
Pretty, smart, and you play golf? You'd better tell your boyfriend to watch out for my son!
I'll... uh... be right back in a minute with your drinks.
Dad, it's awkward enough to hit on waitstaff when one of your parents isn't trying to do it for you. Besides, her boyfriend is the cook here, and I don't want a case of food poisoning.
Well, it's not like you're doing so well on your own.
And you giving her a creepy old-man hug helps me how, exactly? Come to think of it, has there ever been a girl I've liked whose boobs you didn't eventually ogle?
Umm... does when you were 7 and liked to play Ms. Pac-Man count?

 

by somnambulist
5-04-06
Interview #1
I can tell you're really talented. My plan would be to leverage those skills to help us fulfill our mission.
Does he want me to do all of his work for him, or is he actually going to let me go ahead and finally just fucking do something?
Interview #2
I'm a tool, I'm a tool, I'm a tooly tooly tooly fucking tool.
So I was hired for my experience in financial systems, but you want me to manage $1 million & 300 departments using QuickBooks?
Interview #3
Oh, the VP? Yeah, we just talked smack about you the whole time. Nah, I'm kidding. We should try and automate stuff and avoid duplicating work and effort.
At least he's better than the last guy. Plus, he's kind of fat, so if I want to leave here by 5 PM, I can probably just outrun him...

 

by somnambulist
5-04-06
I'm going home early today.
You don't look sick.
I'm not. I'm taking a "fuck this" day.
You're not allowed to do that.
OK, then I'm taking a "fuck you" day.

 

by somnambulist
5-06-06
This is Devan. I know her from KoL (http://www.kingdomofloathing.com/).
Attack with my duck on a string...
You hit for 578 damage. You win the fight! You acquire an item: Quantum Egg.
Devan plays a lot of KoL.
I wonder if there are any new combinations...
You combine your Quantum Egg and Sticky Meat Pants. You acquire an item: Quantum Meat Pants.
I think I just sensed a great disturbance in the force. I hope Steve isn't trying to refine uranium in our cellar again...
Well, I didn't think anything of it at the time, but he did suddenly twitch slightly and then asked me where he could buy some Schrodinger brand condoms...

 

by somnambulist
5-06-06
*http://www.stripcreator.com/ comics/somnambulist/349239
Hey, I wonder what these things* do?
Equipped: quantum meat pants.
Uh-oh.
Hey, wait a minute, I'm pretty sure I dismantled my interdimensional time defibrillator...
OK, maybe that wasn't such a good idea after all...
OK blondie, who are you and where is my geek tech? If you brought back the dinosaurs I'll kick your ass. Well, maybe after I ride a velociraptor or two.

 

by somnambulist
5-09-06
Well, if you didn't steal my time dilation accelerator (or whatever it's called), how'd you end up here?
I dunno. Don't ask me how anything works. Especially in KoL. I just make Steve tell me.
Well, if you don't know how you got here, can you at least explain what you're doing here?
Hmm... I think it was to tell Steve I'm sorry for telling him to chase that girl who ended up with some other guy. Last I saw him he seemed pretty down about it.
You do know I'm his girlfriend, right?
Wait, when did he get one of those? I was trying to figure out if you were the crazy drunk, the married Russian girl, or the one who I told him to date...

 

by somnambulist
5-09-06
So, wait, is this the reason why a bunch of random girls keep showing up at our house?
Let me try and think of the best way to explain...
Well, I know Steve is too harmless to be evil. He couldn't even cheat on his last girlfriend who he knew was cheating on him.
Wow, he's right, calamity really does follow him everywhere.
But just out of idle curiosity, who are all these girls?
Well, thanks to his luck, probably no one you'd need to worry about...

 

by somnambulist
5-09-06
So you're saying I live in a cartoon? That's crazy talk!
You're supposed to be an engineering major, right? Have you ever noticed anything strange happen that defies all logic and common sense?
Well, I live with Steve, so you just derscribed every day of my life.
Well, then how do you explain that ACME catapault out your window?
I built that so Steve could get to work without sitting in traffic... oh, OK. I see where you're going with this.
I wonder if I can get her to make me a laser cannon to use on my unruly customers...

 

by somnambulist
5-09-06
So how do I get out into this real world where the real Steve lives?
I'm pretty sure you can't. I had to beg him to include me for weeks before I ended up in here.
Wait, the "real" Steve is controlling our every move?
That sounds about right. You know, now that I think about it, I'm not sure that I thought my request all the way through...
Well, now I'm not so sure whether I should be relieved or disturbed by what he had us doing last night...
Well, just look on the bright side - you can probably make a killing by selling the video on eBay?

 

by somnambulist
5-09-06
OK, Devan, maybe I can send you back. I've been wanting to try out my new quantum tunneling vortex generator for a while now...
Please enter the exact location and speed of the object or person you wish to transport into a parallel universe:
Ummm... Ali, I don't mean to complain, but is this anything I should be at all worried about?
Oops, hi sweetie. Funny story... you remember how sometimes I forget to carry the one...?
Devan? What are you doing here? And dare I ask what you did with my girlfriend?
Wow, now he's even managed to lose a fictional girl. Maybe I should stop encouraging him after all...

 

by somnambulist
5-23-06
OK, it looks like Devan accidentally transported Allison into a KoL server. Maybe if I win the game, she'll be able to get out...
[ You have reached the top of the Sorceress' Tower ]
You're fighting a Naughty Sorceress (2)
You will never defeat me!
Wanna bet.............? * * * MOLITO! * * *
You're fighting a Naughty Sorceress (2)
Um... gesundheit?
Dammit, that was Wizardry I. Crap, if I live through this, Steve will make me admit I should have been playing KoL all along after all...

 

by somnambulist
5-23-06
After Allison unimprisms the king...
OK, King Ralph, it looks like you're free to go. Who was the crazy-ass bitch with all the tentacles, anyway?
Oh, that was just my sister. She gets that way every now and again. Live long and propser!
Well, that was, um, interesting.
I wonder why Steve didn't go for the Gourdcore trophy...
You are fighting a drunk goat.
Well, this isn't quite the ending I had in mind, but at least now I don't have to work tomorrow...
baa-aa-aa-aa?

 

by somnambulist
5-23-06
Hey, I need to look up like two dozen journals. Is it OK if I just do it myself? I can't afford to wait three weeks for it.
Sure, sounds OK. Go right ahead.
dum dee dum... form #63,079... OK, that looks good... why, I might be able to reconcile this account before year-end after all...
Hey, some people complained you're in here looking up stuff. I have to do it for you. But don't worry, I can look up anything you need.
10 minutes later, back in my office...
I got voicemail from him already...?
Sorry. It turns out only the head of the accounting dept. is allowed to look those up. And she never looks them up for anyone.

 

by somnambulist
5-23-06
General Accounting
Can you tell me who signed off on these expenses? Some of them don't seem to make any sense at all...
Just let me get the original forms...
Five minutes later...
Any luck?
Yeah, it looks like nobody approved it.
So why the hell did you people put it into the accounting system? Wouldn't it have made more sense to make a phone call about it or something?
Hey, that's just how we do things here!

 

by somnambulist
5-26-06
You know how in the Bible it says that Jesus turned water into wine?
Yeah. I wonder if it was a pinot noir.
I think that might have been a bit of an exaggeration.
You don't say.
Yeah. I think maybe he just showed up to a sermon with a keg one time.
Heh, Jesus wasn't the Messiah - he was the world's first frat boy!

 

by somnambulist
5-27-06
Hey there Steve. I'm just waiting for Allison. In the meantime, what's new with you?
I've been thinking about starting my own company that builds retirement communities.
I know you studied finance, but why would you do that? Do you have any experience with real estate?
No, but I have a great idea for the theme. It'd be a maze-like building, exclusively for seniors who have Alzheimer's.
Three years later...
Do you know how to get to my place?
Lady, I haven't even been able to find a bathroom in here anywhere for the past two weeks.

 

by somnambulist
6-10-06
Loosely based on real life...
Psst... don't tell anyone, but I'm about to quit and take a better job.
Wow, it seems like your entire area is either quitting or having their jobs re-structured.
Oh, I knew my staff would quit if I left and they had to report to my boss's idiot, uber-bitch assistant, so I made sure they all got better jobs.
Hey, she was my acting boss until this past Monday. It's satisfying to know I wasn't the only one who felt that way about her.
*http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/345366
Yeah, we started a pool betting on you. I had "April 12th, suicide." You did look sad* that day... I thought I'd win!
Well, I am pretty much dead inside. Does that count?

 

by somnambulist
6-15-06
So I finally got in touch with that girl who's been sort of blowing me off for the past month.
Oh? What did she have to say?
She said she was sorry -- several times -- and that she has a tendency to "screw things up with everyone" by acting like that.
Huh, that's kinda weird. What do you think you're going to do about her?
Well, half of me wants to be just as much of a dick to her as she was to me, but the other half still hopes I'll get a chance to make out with her.
It's good to see you still have your priorities in order.

 

by somnambulist
6-15-06
I overheard what you just said to Matt. Do you really think it's a good idea to give her another chance?
I'm a guy. We will endure a certain amount of abuse in the hope of getting lucky. But we will become much less susceptible to it the less likely it seems that it'll happen.
That seems like a crazy system.
Yeah. I like to think of it as the "law of diminishing sexual returns," if you will.
And what if I won't? :-P
Then you just proved my theory.

 

by somnambulist
6-16-06
Someday I hope to run for President. Not so much for my ideas, but because I'd just try to have some fun with it.
Do you think people would go for it?
Well, my plan is to hire Denis Leary as my speechwriter.
Ha! I wonder how many F-bombs you can drop on TV and still get elected.
Well, we know it's at least one, because it worked for Dick Cheney.
Viva la revolucion!

 

by somnambulist
6-20-06
*http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ somnambulist/345366
So I went back and read Leigh's* blog again, because I'm an idiot. Turns out she's already out thinking rings with that guy. So either she was nuts, or some guy stole the life I should've had.
Hold on, let me go take a look.
:-(
Did you get to this part? "While I won't go into a great amount of detail, let me just say that everything in the bedroom is very compatible and there are no concerns there."
No... I didn't. And even if I did, why would you think I'd ever want to be reminded of it?
Well, I thought it was funny. And I thought you would too. But then I realized too late that you're still brooding about it.

 

by somnambulist
6-20-06
Since it's $5.88, I'll make it easy and give you $10.13.
Uh... let's see... four, no, five, no, four, no... errr... carry the Q...
5 minutes and 10 blank stares later...
Can I please just have my frickin' $4.25 already?
Ha! I win! He told me how much it was! Who says you need to know any math to do this job?
You know, if I were emperor, I could have her killed for her insolence. But since I'm not, I just stole all their salt packets instead.
I get all tingly when I see you go all mathcore. It kinda makes me want to get a tramp stamp of a differential equation...

 

by somnambulist
6-23-06
Based on a real life conversation in the car while driving my sister home...
All the lights in my living room burned out the other day, but I didn't have any 60-watt bulbs left, so I had to screw in a couple of 3-ways.
What's so bad about a 3-way?
...
What?
You know, there are some things you just don't ever want to hear come out of your little sister's mouth, and that's one of them.
Haha, now I get it. C'mon, it was kind of funny. Especially if I got to make you all uncomfortable.

 

by somnambulist
7-06-06
This is odd... Who installed a new version of "Adobe Trans-Dimensional Alternate Reality Evil Doppelganger" on my computer?
[processing data...]
Oh look, another series of relatively dull comics in which reality and fantasy collide.
Is it OK to smoke in Steve's comics? He wouldn't let me light up in his car.

 

by somnambulist
7-09-06
Um, hi there. I'm Steve's girlfriend, Allison Danvers.
I'm the girl with whom his real-life counterpart is infatuated. You can call me "Surely."
You don't seem surly. Slightly dishevelled, but not particularly surly.
Very funny. Do you carry a thesaurus around with you all the time, Skipper?
Do you always use that much purple eyeliner, or do you have some sort of Eggplant Wizard fetish that I've never heard of?
Nah, I lay off it when I take out your boyfriend's real-world form, and get his hopes up, only to dash them horribly.

 

by somnambulist
7-09-06
So what you're saying here is...
That I acted really interested in him, took him out for a nice evening, got along with him really well, led him on in the most obvious ways...
And the result of all that was...?
Then I told him that I've been seeing someone else for about a month.
Yeah, that sounds pretty much like Steve's luck.
So this guy I'm seeing, he's got criminal charges pending and could go to jail... in Nebraska. But I still think it has a shot!

 

by somnambulist
7-09-06
So instead of the guy you click with, who treats you well, is right there on the same wavelength with you, and can actually provide everything you want...
I'm screwing some jailbird asshole.
Wow, are all of your life decisions this boneheaded?
What? I like mature guys. He's married, but he's getting a divorce, just like the rest of my ex-boyfriends.
Wow, you really are perfect for Steve. He's got his own bad habit of falling for girls who just got out of long term relationships.
Which is exactly why I told him I'd think it over, then didn't bother to answer his email or phone calls. I wouldn't want to break with the tradition.

 

by somnambulist
7-15-06
So are you going to do anything about Steve at all, or just leave it hanging?
Well, actually, I had his whole family's table tonight at the restaurant.
Oh, how'd that go?
It was ok. Before I blew him off, I told him it wouldn't be weird to see him there just because we hung out. He did talk to me after his family left to see if I was OK, though.
Did you explain to him why you never called back like you said you would?
Oh, yeah. I told him that things are weird. But I said I'd give him a call.

 

by somnambulist
7-17-06
So what's got you down, big guy?
Eh. my semi-annual reminder of why idealism is always horribly misguided arrived ahead of schedule this year.
Well, on the plus side, even though you're unable to stop anything from going awry, at least it's happening a lot faster nowadays?
That doesn't really help me any. I just wish I knew where it got off track, or how I could fix it.
You know what they say: if wishes were fishes...
Everyone would reek of tuna?

 

by somnambulist
7-19-06
So did that girl ever call you back?
Nah. I tried, but I guess she'd rather shack up with a two-bit criminal than be with a guy who actually has a decent future.
Ouch. That kind of sucks, doesn't it?
Well, if she wants to make incredibly stupid decisions that will hurt her, I can't do any more than I already have to try and stop her.
You know, I didn't think you were the type to give up before reaching the bitter, bitter end.
I'm not, but if she is capable of making a choice this dumb, eventually she'd make more stupid decisions. And by giving up, at least it can't affect me.

 

by somnambulist
7-20-06
Well, if you're just an inveterate liar who isn't worth the trouble, what the heck are you still doing here?
Maybe Steve is going to turn his comic into lesbian auto-erotica.
Um, no, I'm pretty sure that's not it.
Or maybe because Steve still hasn't quite put me out of his mind just yet.
That's OK. I'm a cartoon, so I'll just acquire some of the traits of his next ill-advised love interest, once he selects a new one.
You know, you're just as much of a downer as your boyfriend. I'm going to go find some pot or something, and maybe this series of comics will start to seem funny...

 

by somnambulist
7-20-06
Monday
Bah, another boring day at the office. I wish there were something to do...
You have 0 new messages.
Tuesday
Still a boring day. Maybe I'll just take a long lunch. That ought to help break the tedium...
If it were somehow mathematically possible, I'd tell you that you have a negative number of new messages.
Thursday
Man, I'm still kind of bummed out over that girl. I just don't feel up to doing any actual work today...
You have 37 new messages, all from people who want stuff and want it yesterday, and none of it can be done quickly.

 

by somnambulist
7-20-06
When I'm emperor, the first thing I'm going to do will be to change all of the messages on every crosswalk signal.
Why would you want to do that?
Well, for example, instead of "Don't walk," which pretty much nobody ever obeys anyway, I'd change it to "Sit your fat ass down."
Only you could find a way to combat both obesity and traffic congestion in one stroke.
And I'd change the "Walk" signal to read "What are you fucking waiting for, you dumb bitch? Run like hell!"
And if you only had it on the green lights, you could also help combat overpopulation!

 

by somnambulist
8-07-06
So what's on your mind, big guy?
I was thinking it would be fun to spin off the Space Command portion of the Air Force into a new military unit.
Why would you want to do that?
I don't know. It just kind of makes sense in my head. I'm not sure what to call it, though. "Starfleet" seems a bit too tacky.
I guess that means calling SDI missiles "Spaceballs" is out of the question.
Maybe we can call the space shuttle an "Astro Glider."

 

by somnambulist
8-07-06
True story...
And what I choose is my voice... what's a boy supposed to do...?
The killer in me is the killer in you...
[[ very loud, high pitched hiccup ]]
OK, that has to be the weirdest time for a hiccup in karaoke history.
Well, I told you I didn't know the words to this song!

 

by somnambulist
8-07-06
While driving my 19 year old sister home from a Red Sox game last week, we spied a large yellow duck in a store window, and then...
o/~ "How much is that duck in the window...?" o/~
Oink, oink!
(To be fair, she actually did say "quack" the second time.)
A duck says what ?
Um... moo?

 

by somnambulist
8-31-06
So, lots of Christians in the Bible Belt work as contractors...
...and they all revere Jesus, who happened to be a carpenter.
And Jews recall the story of Moses...
...who spent a large part of the Torah arguing with God about rules and procedures, which in a way makes him the world's first lawyer.
So, riddle me this, Batman...
How come the Islamoterrorists haven't given up on that Mohammed dude and started looking for some sort of divine taxicab driver?

 

by somnambulist
8-31-06
I was cleaning off my computer desk earlier and I came across a rather cryptic note that I seem to have left for myself.
Hmm... do I really want to know?
I think it says, "Llama mania for all the orphans."
Please tell me our back yard is currently occupied by neither llamas nor orphans.
No. I probably just thought there was a punch line in there somewhere when I wrote it down, but now I can't imagine what it might be...
Knowing you, probably to release a stampede of llamas upon an unsuspecting group of orphans.

 

by somnambulist
8-31-06
Hi, I'm going to yell at you because you're enforcing a policy that your predecessor simply ignored.
Well, I'm supposed to enforce it. It's actually sort of illegal if we don't. The last person who had my job was just lazy and irresponsible. And kind of a slut.
OK, then I'm going to yell at you because that policy doesn't let me do things the way I want to do them and got used to and I think you should either ignore it or change it back to the way I want it.
That's a lovely sentiment, but I wasn't even in the meetings that established it. The Comptroller is in charge. We just follow the rules.
So are you going to fix this, or what?
I wonder how long of a lunch break I can take before anyone actually notices I'm gone.

 

by somnambulist
9-02-06
Hey sweetie, why the heck do you have that single of "Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk?" You're really not all that into asses.
Huh? Oh, no, I heard Ted Kennedy was having a rally over in Peabody, so I was going to go crash it and play it on a boom box during his speech.
Hmm... where's she going?
I'm guessing you're not coming along with me, then?
Actually, count me in. I was just getting my copy of "Baby Got Back."

Showing page 3.

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